Losing Harmony

by Philonius Phil

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Celestia sat up in her bed, drenched in sweat. She checked the time and sighed, just past midnight. It was going to be another sleepless night; an endless sea of memories hadn’t allowed her a peaceful nights sleep in years.

She felt a breeze through the balcony window as she got up, the chill of the night air stinging against her body. She walked over to it, peering over the edge. The landscape was gently lit; the moon was encompassed by the same enthusiastic glow it had had before...before she had banished Luna. She couldn’t help but stare, it was mesmerizing, enchanting, as if nothing could go wrong with it guarding the night.

She closed the window and went about lighting a new fire; winter was approaching and the castle had yet to be insulated. After wrapping herself in her covers, she headed to her desk; if she couldn’t get any sleep she might as well get some work done. Twilight was supposed to be arriving in Canterlot tomorrow to discuss the new duties she would be taking on as a princess of Equestria. She worried about how Twilight would handle the pressures of governing, she needed to be eased into it, especially with how her mind was prone to cracking under stress. But she knew she could handle it with a little bit of guidance and the support of her friends, after all, she had earned this position, proven that she was capable of handling Equestria’s fate time and again.

A draft snuffed the candle on Celestia’s desk, making the parchment she had been writing on too dark to see. She looked to the window, the moon was no longer visible, dark clouds now in its stead; they weren’t due clouds for another few days. She relit the candle and resumed her work, she would have a talk with Cloudsdale later about keeping to the schedule.

The clock ticked, second after second, Celestia’s ears twitching to each one. A minute went by. Then another. Celestia sat at her desk, her face blank and head drooped. She jumped up, the sound of a bell reverberated throughout her room. It was one in the morning.

She walked to the fireplace and stood there, watching the flames as they danced about. There was a cold splash on her neck and she flinched. She wiped it off, it was...water. Another. Then several. They stopped. A little white flake gently drifted down and settled on her nose. She took in a deep breath, and as she breathed out a slight mist had become visible. She shivered, it was probably just Luna pulling a prank on her.

The flakes had started clumping together into snow. “Alright Luna that’s enough, you’ve had your fun, now fix everything.” A gust of wind extinguished the fire. “Luna, I swear if you don’t fix this now, I will pay you back tenfold.” The snow was coming down at a steady rate now. “Luna?”

A gust of wind blew open the balcony window. Celestia jerked back. “Guard I need you, come in here.” No response. She slowly made her way to the door. “Guard?” She looked back, her room was blanketed in white. “Sergeant Stormwing?” She put her hoof up to the door, it burst open, letting the storm in her room flow out into the corridor. The hallway was shrouded in black, not a single one of the torches lining the walls lit. “Is anypony there?” She lit up her horn, no guard was in sight.

Several moments passed by, when the sound of hoofsteps began echoing from down the hall, slowly, one at a time. A faint blue glow emerged from the spiral stairs, emanating from a shrouded figure. He stopped moving, just standing there with a black hood over his head, staring at Celestia.

“Who are you?!” Celestia yelled, “Answer me!” The dark figure walked towards her. “I’m warning you, I will not hold back if you approach me any further!” she warned, her horn glowing. There was no response, the figure just continued. “I don’t want to hurt you.” She could now see it well enough to make it out to be the shape of a pony. “So be it.” She let out a blast of light from her horn, illuminating the hallway. A small explosion lifted dust and rubble into the air. The cloud settled, the shrouded figure still there, without a mark on him. He stepped forward, taking his time with each step. She tried another spell, but her magic passed straight through the figure. “Get away from me,” she yelled, backing away from it.

Celestia was preparing to teleport away, when she was interrupted by the feel of an icy touch from behind, “It’s good to see you again Celestia, it’s been far too long,” a voice whispered into her ear. The figure in front of Celestia had vanished into the air.

Her body stiffened. “You…how?”

“How did I recover from your betrayal you mean?”

“You were a threat to the safety of Equestria, and I did what had to be done to ensure the safety of my little ponies.” She turned to face him, he hadn’t aged a bit.

“Is that what you think you accomplished by putting me through that hell!? Well it doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that I’m back, and this time, you’ll be powerless to stop me.”

“Like I’d just let you—“

“My dear Celestia, I don’t think you understand your situation. What I’m saying is you’re not going to be around to stop me. In fact, you’re not going to make it past the night; everypony must pay the price for their actions, don’t you remember saying that to me once? Well that includes you.”

Celestia jumped back, her horn glowing. He just smiled. The faint blue glow encased his body. His horn and eyes started giving off the same blue glow. “Goodbye, Celestia.”

***

Luna sat at the balcony, tapping her hooves impatiently on the ground. The sun was late, and she was tired. Celestia must have overslept. She headed for Celestia’s room. The castle was beginning to wake up, the bustle of everypony’s morning routines filling the great halls.

As she drew closer she noticed a guard collapsed on the ground. “Guard, are you alright?” When he didn’t respond she knelt beside him, touching him with her hoof. His body was cold…and stiff. She alerted some nearby guards she had passed on the way, before she ran towards her sister’s room, several more collapsed guards lining the hallways.

When she reached the final corridor heading towards Celestia’s room, she noticed the door was cracked open. “Celestia, what happened, are you alright?” she asked, almost slipping as she lost her footing. The floor was iced over. When she didn’t get an answer she pushed her way through the door.

Inside the room, furniture was scorched and strewn about, tables turned and chairs broken. Her hoofs sank into snow. She picked up what looked like a piece of one of Celestia’s bedposts. It shattered into icy shards in her grasp.

Luna gasped when she spotted her sister. She was spread out on the floor, buried under a blanket of snow, her hair no longer flowing. Luna rushed to her side. Celestia’s eyes were wide open, empty, staring into nothingness. Her body was pale, even the coloring in her hair was faded.

Luna collapsed, trembling, tears welling up in her eyes. She called out, her voice reverberating, “GUARDS! I NEED A MEDIC!” She lightly touched Celestia’s face, withdrawing immediately; Celestia’s body wasn’t just cold.

Tears streamed down Luna’s eyes, her body shaking. A few guards rushed in with a medic. She embraced her sister’s body, the warmth of her own fracturing the frozen corpse.

Comments

[RedRaven]

I read this later...

[Hierophant]

Commentary will be limited by the fact that this only a 1300-word chapter. I will endeavor to critique what is available.

Mechanics:
How the work is grammatically and mechanically structured. Not a lot you can say. Grammar and punctuation are sound. Sentence construction is a little odd. Some of the sentences frame oddly, or seem unnecessary. Also, passive tone is okay if the object is more important than the subject.

Structure:
How the story is told. The overall flow of the verbiage is a little choppy, but that's favorable over drooling lines of prolixity. In that aspect, your writing style is artful in its efficiency. You get accurate portrayals without the cumbersome fluff that sinks most fiction works. The setting and action is conveyed effectively, but there is a noticeable uneven adherence to verbal economy. Less is more, until you have so little the story itself starves.

Example- an endless sea of memories hadn’t allowed her a peaceful nights sleep in years.

There’s a prime opportunity to inject something compelling, or some artful and alluring foreshadowing here. Instead, the paragraph ends. Don’t be afraid to expound if it works toward delivering a message.
Without artistic divergence, you end up with the following story: “He went to the fridge. He opened the fridge. He grabbed the mayonnaise jar. He opened the jar. He started punching the mayonnaise savagely, shouting, “Active voice is my only voice!”

Content:
By content I mean the actual guts of the story. The content of the narrative. What it is trying to tell me. Again, in one chapter, I can't really discern any overarching themes to judge adherence by, or to decide if the leveraging thereof is compelling. From what I have read, it's interesting, but the threat of playing out as a cliché looms heavy. What separates a thought provoking work from a tired rehash? The encompassing message, and how the narrative structure and character development play into and amplify it. Again, I can’t rate either from so little material.

-My Call: Promising

[Philonius Phil]

3569859

I'd be very surprised if you could guess the overarching theme/message of the story from the first chapter. At this point I'm more interested in feedback on the lower level mechanics of the story rather than the high level stuff. And you provided, thank you. I've read so much fan fiction which, even though it's interesting, I'm unable to really enjoy because of how needlessly and tiredly verbose it is. So I really take that as a compliment. I'll keep your other points in mind as I write and rewrite this story though. On a side note: I think you're the first author I've ever heard complain about too much active voice, though I agree, passive voice has its place.

[Hierophant]

3570779

On a personal note, I enjoy your writing style. It just, in places, feels like I am being jabbed with words. It's "show, don't tell" taken to the extreme end of "show".

I'm not saying aim for passive voice, just don't be scared of it. It can add style to otherwise violently direct exposition.

[Philonius Phil]

3573595

I think chapter 2 or 3 might have a little bit of passive voice. Maybe.

[Slip Kid]

M'kay, this review is brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Auth- oops, force of habit. Y'know what? I'm going to do it like that anyway... :WARNING: MAY CONTAIN GLUTEN SPOILERS:

Pros:

1. Good grammar and few, if any spelling mistakes.

2. The plot promises to be fairly interesting so far.

3. Good use of show vs. tell.

Cons:

1. Though it may just be personal preference clouding my judgement, I think too little has been said. When it says that Celestia is at her desk, it gives no indication of when, or how, she got there; this makes it possible for less astute readers to get lost.

2. Pacing. So far, Celestia has woken up, done paper work and... oh yeah, been murdered. I'm just saying, that's quite a heavy plot point to drop within a 1,300 word chapter.

3. Characterisation. When approached by a pony in a cloak, who may just be lost or even deaf, she immediately responds aggressively to their advance. This doesn't really reflect in her canon representation.

Also:

The faint blue glow encased his body

Should probably be "A faint glow".

This story shows definite promise, though it isn't something that I'd particularly enjoy. Hope this helped!