A brilliant view was what Tim awakened to. Beautifully grown trees with lush green leaves swaying gently in a sun-heated wind, giant ripe apples plump and ready to fall into waiting baskets below. Tim stood beneath such a tree, the shade keeping the kind warmth of the sun off his skin.
Off in the distance of this vast plain was a large red barn-themed house that seemed awfully familiar to the boy. Even further into the distance was an even more familiar small town, painted with the majority of pink and yellow apart from a giant gingerbread house, a large white and blue carousel, and a tree. Anyone who had spent half a year repeatably watching a certain show about magic and friendship would be sure to understand the extreme circumstance that Tim found himself in.
Looking a bit lower, however, showed the also familiar rear end of an orange, stetson wearing, happy farm pony. And the familiar way her legs were reared back and aimed at the tree while whistling a merry tune as if this were a everyday thing. In another word, oblivious.
"Ehhh?"
*Smack*
The good news, the apples fell down. The bad news, so did Tim, wheezing out the last of his breath in an attempt to express the unbearable amount of pain his stomach now currently endured.
The orange pony, named Applejack as known by many, turned swiftly on the spot to confront the obstacle her kick had meet. "What in tarnations?!"
Despite being in no small amount of pain, Tim always liked to make a good first impression. So, with sheer determination and tears in his eyes, his managed to say, "H-Hi. Nice kick."
Applejack was baffled. A creature she had never seen, never heard of, and didn't even resemble something she knew of, had just sneaked its way behind her right in the middle of her kick. Then complemented her on it.
"Ah- Ah'm sorry? But what were- why are- what are ya?!"
His stomach screamed through his nerves not to, but Tim stilled sucked in a breath to answer. "I-"
That was as far as he got before his inner fluids spewed up his throat and onto the roots of the apple tree of covering most of his shirt.
Once again he tried to get some sort of communication by raising a hand, but it fell flat, as did his mind. Applejack just simply stared, bewildered and gaining no small headache from trying to place reason into the situation. Finally an idea came to mind, to get the one pony who could make some sense from his scene. As she turned to leave, a series of beeping placed into a small tune rang out from the creature. Further investigation showed it to be from the pocket of the pants if was wearing.
Wanting at least some peace of mind, Applejack gently pushed the object from the pants and onto the ground. It was a small and rectangle shaped, made mostly of a very soft coloured metal. On one side that had squishy parts and a square made of glass that shone, were the words '1 new message'.
'A message? How in Equestria did that thing get a message? It was sittin' in front of me the entire time!' This only added more questions, and grew the desire to find answers. Applejack was careful not to smash the device as she pushed down the squishy part, and it responded by changing the words to something different.
'text me, pls, im lost"
I'd read this because of the description... but then I saw the chapter lengths.
3425467
Prologues mate, they are meant to be short. The next chapters are going to be in the thousands.
3425479I'll take your word for it. Please don't disappoint.
3425524
I have a point of making my chapters 1500-2500 words long on a bad day, or I'm very disappointed in myself. For the Taran chapters, I'll talk to him to make sure he does the same, or better.
LOL, even the chapter title!
myfacewhen.net/uploads/4006-continue.jpg
An Interesting take on an HiE. I will watch and see how it goes.
It's booootiful
Error checking, starting with the description:
there
This is difficult to parse because it makes no sense as written, to say nothing of being grammatically incorrect.
get pulled
Missing a period after place.
From the Taran prologue:
"places" should be used here instead of "conditions"
That reaction is a bit jarring. What basis does this stallion have for assuming Taran is a "foul creature", or displaying overt hostility in any case? After all, Taran is just walking around the forest minding his own business. He isn't even armed.
Props on getting the archaic pronouns right, though. :)
Stray comma here
From the Tim prologue:
plump
waiting (awaiting is used incorrectly in this case)
Again, this reaction makes no sense. Applejack's first reaction would be to apologize, ask if this newcomer is okay, and carry him up to the farmhouse to lie down. Because she has absolutely no reason to be immediately distrusting and hostile toward an unfamiliar creature, let alone one she just injured.
tree's
Repetition is redundant. Everything after "ring" in that sentence is unnecessary redundancy.
My thoughts:
These individual prologues are far too short, they are uninteresting, they do virtually nothing to capture the attention of the reader, and the characterization of the two ponies seen thus far is so off-putting and contrary to what is known and accepted that unless there is some IMMEDIATE, DEFINITIVE REASON for these ponies acting so hostile, then it's impossible to accept their behavior as valid.
I'm sorry, but you've earned a failing grade.
3427698
Yeah...
Tried to type late at night with worries of assessments the next day and friends bickering on Skype. Thanks for pointing them out, I'll fix 'em up now.
3427698
Right! Fixed. I'll tell TheLuckyPucker to fix up his chapter and hopefully give you a better story. These are just the prologues, so they are short for a reason. As for not being that captivating, I'm sorry. We are only teenagers trying to get used to writing after all, and we learn something new everyday thanks to it.