The Ghost with the Most

by Equestria Buck Yeah

Chapter 2

The freakish thing in front of the Crusaders quickly looked over its surroundings, looking for whoever it was that called out for them.

"Hello? Hey, where the hell are ya?!" He spotted the costumed fillies on the ground. "And who the hell dresses their dogs like that?"

"Dogs?" Sweetie Belle fired back.

"Ho-ly crap, you can talk!" He paused, a realization fast approaching. "Wait a minute. You can talk, so..." The ghost looked around once more and back at the trio. "Oh God, it was you who summoned me, wasn't it?"

"Summoned?"

He threw his hands in the air and stomped at the ground, throwing a tantrum. "Son of a bitch! I've died and gone to Hell, haven't I? That's it! That's gotta be it... No, wait, I'm already dead and I've been to Hell. Nice place, cozy in the summertime. Oh! Wait, wait, I got it. This is my own personal hell, isn't it? Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have pissed off that gypsy back in the fourteen century and now I'm stuck here with three talking dogs," he muttered to himself.

"We're ponies, not dogs!" Scootaloo snapped.

"Oh, even better! Well, at least this ain't Saturn. I don't think. You haven't seen any sand worms anywhere, have you?"

"What the hay are sand worms?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Ewww, why do we have to keep going back to bugs?"

"Worms aren't bugs."

"They're still gross!"

"Okay, I'm gonna take that as a 'no'. Alright, so," – in a flash, he leaned over and snatched the Crusaders up in his arm, holding them tight up against his chest. His rather powerful breath almost instantly left them gagging – "might as well make the best out of the situation. You called me here, so you obviously want something. So what can I do for ya? Ah, I know! You need somebody brutally tortured or killed, is that it? No problem! You're looking at the best!"

"No! We don't want anypony killed!" Scootaloo hollered.

"Or tortured!"

"Ah don't know, Ah could go for killing somebody," the biped spoke, mimicking the little farmer.

"Apple Bloom!" Sweetie gasped.

"Ah didn't say anything! That was you!" she snapped, pointing at their new 'friend'.

"What? What're you talking about?"

"Ah watched your lips movin' and you sounded like me!"

"Hey, I'm just trying to speed things up here. Can't blame a guy for wanting to have a little fun, can you?"

"We are not killin' anypony!"

"Alright, alright, we'll put that on the shelf for later then." The striped thing stopped and dropped the three to the ground. He wiggled a finger in his ear, popping out a spider or two. Seeing the arachnids fly out and land in front of them made the girls jump out of their skin. "I'm sorry, I thought I was just hearing things before, but did you just say anypony?" he asked, leaning in close.

"Err, yeah, why?"

He stared blankly and shook his head as the vernacular sunk in.

"Why?" Apple Bloom repeated.

"Nothing, nothing. Don't worry about it. Anyway, no killing, got it, so what else–"

"Hold on a minute," Sweetie Belle interrupted. "Who are you?"

"Yeah, Mister uhh... You are a Mister, right?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Well, I don't like to brag or nothing."

"Errr...right. Anyway, where'd ya come from?"

"You mean to tell me you called me here and you don't even know how you did it? Pfff, like dealing with a bunch of children here," he mumbled – quite deliberately – loud enough for the girls to hear.

"We are children," the unicorn deadpanned.

"Well there you go. But if you must know, I'm the ghost with the most, kid," he explained while rubbing his rotting fingernails on his jacket. He did have an image to maintain, after all.

"But, what's your name?"

The ghost winced and looked around once more. The coast seemed clear enough. Maybe if these three were as dumb as he thought they were, he could risk telling them a little more directly than he had with others in the past. "Uhhh, well... Oh, I know! Let me give you a card." He patted down his pants and then reached into an inner coat pocket, finding a snake and tossing it on the ground. "Here, hold this for a moment, will ya?"

"AHHHHHHH!"

The rustling of leaves overhead grabbed the thing's attention. "Oh, come on down. She won't bite unless you ask her to." With a ridiculous stretch of his arm, he reached up and plucked the shaking girls out of the tree and plopped them back down on the ground. The snake in the meanwhile crawled its way up his pant leg, further terrifying the kids. Their guest suddenly jumped in surprise from a pinch he felt. "Ooo! Getting fresh with me, eh? Hehehe." He finally found what he was searching for in his back pocket and handed it to Sweetie Belle. "Ah, here we go."

It was a simple, plain white card with two lines written across the middle.

"Beetlejuice. The Ghost with the Most." The white filly glanced at her friends, annoyed. "Didn't I tell you? Bug guts. It's even spelled that way."

"Now that you mention it, I could go for a snack..."

"Huh?"

"You...you mean you're really a ghost?" Scootaloo chimed in, suddenly excited in spite of the recent reptilian repercussions. "Show us something scary! That...isn't a snake, I mean."

"Everyone always wants a free sample," he grumbled. An idea formed and he took hold of his temples. "How about this?" Screaming all the while, he forcibly stretched and removed his head from his body. His corpse collapsed to the ground and his head slipped from his hands and rolled toward the girls with his eyes rolled back and his mouth hanging open.

The girls shrieked at the top of their lungs. When their hollering finally settled down, even just a little, his head said to them, "How's that?"

"AHHHHHHHH!"

Cackling with sadistic glee, the ghost's head reappeared atop his body as if nothing happened and he floated back to his feet. Once the Crusaders' hearts stopped racing, Scootaloo rolled over and started chuckling.

"That was so awesome!"

"Haha, that's the spirit! I'm glad at least one of you knows a good thing when you see it," Beetlejuice said, sitting down next to the pegasus and putting his arm around her. "You and me, kid, we'll do whatever you want tonight so long as it scares the absolute Hell out of someone. What do you say, are you with me?"

"Well, it is Nightmare Night..."

"Nightmare Night, huh? I'm already liking the sound of that," he uttered, smiling devilishly.

"Yeah, playing pranks and scaring ponies is half the fun tonight!"

"Now you're talking my language! Come on," he said, standing back up, "show me where to go and we can do this. It'll be a blast!"

"Ponyville's just beyond the orchard. We were already heading that way," the orange filly explained, nodding in the town's direction.

Beetlejuice smirked and rolled his eyes. "Ponyville. Of course. Christ, what the hell's with these names?"

"Err, ya really think this is a good idea, Scootaloo?" Apple Bloom asked, a twinge of doubt in her voice.

"Sure it's a good idea! Now, come on, let's go!" Beetlejuice tried to interject but to no avail.

"What do you mean?"

Ah don't mind if we cook up some good scares or nothin' but," – she glanced up at their striped friend – "you're not going to hurt anypony, are ya?"

"What? Nah, course not!" he said with a dismissive wave of his hand and a rather large grin. "We're just gonna have some good old-fashioned fun, right?"

The young earth pony eyed him suspiciously. "Ya promise?"

"Yeah, sure, promise! Come on, we're wasting time here!" he hurriedly said, floating toward the town.

"Uh, Mr. Beetlejuice?"

He stopped short upon hearing his name and turned to face the tiny Wonderbolt, putting a finger up to her lips. "Oh, uh, one other thing. Call me Beej or BJ, alright? No need to be saying my whole name or anything." He glanced back to town and lifted an eyebrow curiously. "Hmm, speaking of BJ's, I wonder if there's somewhere in town I may be able to...well, let's just say that when I'm about to get down to business, I always want to really get down to business, you know what I mean?"

The girls looked at each other utterly baffled, his innuendos flying right over their heads.

"Ummmm...I was going to suggest that maybe you put on a disguise. The best scares are always the ones you don't see coming, right? And I don't recall seeing anything that looks like you in any of our books. Seeing you the way you are could scare some ponies away before we even got a chance to do anything,"

"Hmm, not a bad idea, kid." His hand found his chin while he looked over the trio in front of him. After a second, an idea came to him, and in a white flash of light, he reappeared anew with four legs, hooves, and a striped coat and mane.

"Hey, you look just like Zecora!" Sweetie Belle noted.

"Yeah, whatever. Hah, I bet I'm hung like a horse looking like this! Y'know, I wonder if I can do that thing without removing my head this time?" he said as he leaned his neck a little too far forward. The girls' eyes burst open and they hid their gazes in horror as they figured out what he was trying to do.

"Gross!"

"Ewewewewew!"

"I need an adult!"

"Oh, what? Don't be such prudes! Jeez!" With another burst of light, Beetlejuice returned to normal, though the now-mentally scarred fillies weren't aware of this just yet. "You know what? Forget the damn disguise. Was too itchy anyway," he complained, scratching at his hair and releasing crickets, cobwebs and loads of dead skin.

One by one, the Crusaders slowly reestablished eye contact with the insane ghost, still a bit sick to their stomachs. "Beej," Scootaloo finally spoke up, "could you, like, never do that again? Please?"

"Spoil a guy's fun, why don't you?" he mumbled under his breath. "Alright, fine. As long as we get a move on so we can scare the piss out of those friends of yours in town." With a cock of his neck and a straightening of his tie, he added, "But if there's someone there whose acquaintance I'd like to make... first things first, y'know?"

Sweetie Belle gulped back down the last of her nausea and spoke up. "Well, Princess Luna is going to be there. She stops by every Nightmare Night since the holiday's dedicated to her."

An eyebrow was raised once again. "A princess, eh? Hmm. Never been with one of those before. She look like one of you?"

"What, you mean a pony?"

"Yeah."

"Well, of course."

"I see." He shrugged after a moment of quiet contemplation. "Ah, what's the worst that could happen? I get a disease? Hahaha!"

The Crusaders looked at each other, unsure of how to respond to such a bizarre statement. "Uhh...okay. Anyway, I think you'll like her. She's really nice and always happy to meet new ponies, especially this time of year."

A top hat and monocle popped onto his person. He took a breath spritzer from his pocket, sprayed into his mouth and spoke with a fake posh accent. "I say, dearies, despite my obvious rigor mortis, I assure you that I will be a perfect gentleman." With a flick of his wrists, he snatched the accessories and flung them away. "Think she'll notice I'm dead too? Hahaha!"

They shared another glance. What the heck was he going on about this time? "Ummm, I...guess?" Apple Bloom finally asked.

"Come on, let's get out of here. We've wasted enough time shooting the shit." He smiled duplicitously at his three little hosts and tapped his fingertips together. "Why don't you take me to see this princess of yours?"

"Sure thing," Sweetie Belle said happily. "She's probably near the center of town."

"Lead the way," Beetlejuice said as politely as he was capable, floating along behind the girls as they went.

Comments

[Pizzaro]

aaaaaaand it's the movie Beej. We're in for a sweet treat!

[The Red Angel]

This is the best thing I have ever read.

MOAR!

[BrownDog77]

This is glorious, It's nicely paced, has great humor, and you got his character down to a T. Please continue

[The Fiery Joker]

Huh boy. This won't end well...

*grabs popcorn*

[Funinightmare]

Oooooh, looks like we're dealing the Beetlejuice from the movie. *rubs hands together* gooooood.

[Superbowl]

This chapter is unrealistic, since we now know that Scootaloo is an absolute chickenshit - she would run away screaming from BJ when he did that detachable head thing and never come back.

[Paton Pendeng]

Discord vs. Beetlejuice.

It must happen.

[Clemerl]

"I need an adult!"

He is an adult. A dead adult, but still an adult.