1. Prologue
"Another day done." I said to myself, tossing my green backpack on my bed. The backpack was a gift from my uncle, a Chief Petty Officer in the Navy, and a former SEAL, he's stationed in Korea, South Korea I believe. Taking off my lime green shirt, keeping the white T-shirt underneath on, I hung my khaki pants on one of the hook on the clothes holder connected to my door, and changed into some comfortable shorts.
Plopping down on my bed, I switched on my iPad Mini, and turned on my Xbox 360, loading up Skyrim. A few hours later, after some warm dinner, I climbed into bed, placing my glasses on the cabinet across from the bed, the last thing I saw were those glow in the dark Pokemon sticker things I stuck on my ceiling when I was five or six, as sleep overtook me after saying a quiet prayer.
Bird chirping awoke me the next morning. Wait, birds?, that wasn't right, If it were anything, crows would be the one waking me, odd seeing them in San Jose of all places, and my two lovebirds, Angel and Micheal, were gone. Angel had flown off when my uncle was grabbing food, and Micheal perished of a broken heart a few years ago. Looking around, I discovered I was in a large forest, my backpack laying nearby.
Opening the top compartment, I found all my school supplies gone. In their stead, my Bible, Sonic Screwdriver flashlight, or Torch if you're British, spare clothes, glasses, and my DS were tucked in. Slinging the backpack on my back and pulling my glasses on, I decided to look around. Not the smartest thing I should have done, but curiosity got the best of me.
The forest seemed immense, bigger than a forest I had read about that was in The Philippines, my family's homeland, and my mine too, even though I was born in Hawaii and raised in sunny California. A cool breeze whistled through the air, nothing much. It was colder at night when my family vacationed in Nevada, and in winter in CA. Granted, My friend Corey said its colder in Columbia, but I wouldn't know. That was when I heard the growling.
Stopping for a minute, I turned my head this way and that, searching for the telltale sign of rustling bushes or the SNAP of a twig. "Hello? I don't want to hurt you, I actually like animals!" I called out into the thick brush. No dice, the growling sounded again, clearer. "Wolves, I don't know whether to be excited or not." I muttered, being a fan of wolves.
Setting down my bag, I rummaged around, pulling out the katana, its black sheath covering the blade. Slowly, I pulled it out, the steel still sharp as when it was forged, I pulled out the hatched and tied it the backpack with some vines.
SNAP!
I turned to the left, watching as, to my surprise, Timberwolves, scouting party maybe, only five, emerged from the brush. "Let's see, its Tuesday, and I'm in Equestria-I am so screwed." I said, as one wolf sauntered towards me, growling. I held my katana in both hands, ready to strike. As the Timberwolf bared its razor sharp wooden stakes for fangs, and leaped, I swung as hard as my lean body could, leaving a deep cut in its head, as it fell to the ground.
"Hah, take that sap breath!" I said, fist pumping, before remembering this was a Timberwolf. "Oh crap." I muttered, backing away as the large cut filled with golden tree sap, Timberwolves bleed sap? I thought, as the wound closed, leaving a very pissed off animal and its buddies.
Now, I'd like to say I did something heroic or badass, like standing up to a group of nigh-invulnerable wolf golems made of tree bark with just an old hatchet and a katana, well-
"Oh craapppp!" I screamed, running like hell as the beasts gave chase, rushing through thick foliage and vaulting over logs. Now, I'm not the most athletic guy, but under duress, I'll run like there's no tomorrow. I could feel the lead wolf snapping at my heels, I thought it was game over, until I heard a stern and commanding voice that could only belong to one pony.
"HEY! LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Fluttershy yelled, placing her flower basket down and gliding down the incline between me and the Timberwolves, her eyes showing quiet fury. She turned to the leader, her tone softer, but still scolding. "Now Juliet, what did I tell you when you chased Henrietta last month?" Juliet whimpered, but Fluttershy continued, "No buts young missy, now, you take your little friends back home, or I'll tell your mother. You got it?" Juliet nodded, as she and her gang sauntered off back into the depths of the Everfree Forest, tails tucked in between their legs. Fluttershy turned to me, smiling, "Now, are you alright?"
I took a deep breath in, dusting the dirt off of my jeans, nodding, "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks Fluttershy." I said, before my eyes widened.
She raised an eyebrow, looking me over, "Are you a human?" Surprised, I nodded, as she continued. "Oh, because I met a human before, Brian, he cared for Rainbow after she was stranded on, um, Earth was it."
"Yeah, Earth. So, um, I guess you know about...." I said, trailing off about the show, Fluttershy mumbled a "Yes", as I smiled slightly. "Well, I guess thanks are in order." I stuck out my hand, which she shook meekly.
"So, since you know my name, may I ask you yours, um, if that's alright with you." Fluttershy said, smiling as she stepped back, quavering.
"Diokno, Christian Diokno, Chris for short." I said, fixing my jacket, just as my stomach grumbled lightly, causing Fluttershy to giggle.
"Well, Christian, we should get some food, I'm feeling a bit peckish myself." Fluttershy replied, picking up her flowerbasket, and setting it on her back, "So, would, um, meat work for you? The humans we've met with, like Captain Marvel, have said humans are omnivorous. So, um?"
I held up a hand, "Meat will be just fine, so, ponies are omnivorous aswell, No offense, but I thought you guys just ate plants." I replied, grinning as we trudged along the dirt path to her home, well, it was less of a path, and more just a loose collection of dirt and leaves that resembled a path.
Fluttershy chuckled, unlocking her door, "Oh, we can and do eat meat once in awhile. Its just that fruits and vegetation are easier for our bodies to digest. I, um, even have a storeroom filled with meat that I give to my animal friends that are carnivorous." She swung the door open, extending a hoof. "After you."
I nodded, stepping into her home, stretching. The animals watched me closely, as if to say if you so much as harm a single hair on Fluttershy;s head, we will end you.I got the message loud and clear.
And that was when moist half-chewed carrot hit me in the side of the head.
Stats
Page generated in 0.027 seconds
Total duration
947 users online
240,092 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Hey, what can I say, I like it!
can't wait for more.
I like it, but its a little bit rushed. Now i under stand its the whole first chapter thing but just slowdown and this will do great.
so all in all right now its a 4 out of ten derpy story.
3481777 Yoooooooou....
LOL this is cool, I may make one like this but not exactly. More anthropoid and more towards the beginning of MLP. The same as being a random guy transported with weapons and stuff.
3481994 So, you two got some kinda history I take it?
3482005 lol, he killed me with 18 inch guns from his battleship
Sweet Jesus on a pogo stick, this is fucking horrible.
Is this a story or a shipping manifest? It kinda looks like one. I don't mean to sound like a dick but I don't really give a fuck about the things you have in your inventory. You seem to have Aragorn's pants syndrome, man.
Pacing is horrible. I mean, after 2 fucking paragraphs (In which you wrote shit nobody cares about. "LOL I PLAYED SKOOYRIM, FOR A FEW HOURS AND WENT TO BED" Did you even read this stuff?) and then you SUDDENLY wake up in an unknown forest for no reason whatsoever? Seriously dude. Who gives a shit about the stuff in your bag? Why would I? A story is supposed to be about a person (okay, something with a personality). Who gives a shit about where you went to with your family, or the shit you have in your bag if there is no YOU?
When will kids learn katanas are one of the worst swords designed.
Bible
Ds lite
Sonic screwdriver flashlight
Katana
What is this I dont even
Oh God, what? The katana is absolutely useless unless you have years of training under your belt, even then it ends to become dull very quickly. It also shatters quite readily if it impacts something at the wrong angle.
Okay, I'm not going to downvote this, but seriously, you need to work on... pretty much everything.
You could have stopped right there.
No one cares.
Obviously. North Korea isn't big on letting outsiders in, especially not foreign military.
No one cares.
Your family and close friends care; the average reader does not.
Unless every single item is put to use in the story, you're wasting the reader's time. And there's no need to capitalize "torch".
No one cares.
If you're referring to the country, it's Colombia. Also, idle chatter about temperature and weather is how strangers fill time; including so much in your narrative doesn't bode well for the rest of the story.
And what's the very first item pulled out of the bag? Something that wasn't included in the inventory!
I'm assuming you mean "hatchet". Also, that makes two in a row! Why bother to give us a list if you can just pull out anything you want?
He's incredibly casual about finding himself in a fictional setting. He must be so badass.
The hell?
This needs...At least 20 editors. At least.
This is bad. The concept is bad. The plot is bad. The character is bad. Everything is bad.
GARY STU CHARACTERS ARE BAD
HAVING A BACKPACK FILLED WITH BULLSHIT IS BAD
unnecessary information for the readers is bad.
Unleashing some idiot with a sword into Equestria is bad
Giving an items list in your description is bad.
There is no upside to this story. My advice to you is to talk to a proofreader about coming up with a better plot, and grounding yourself into reality. Go read some good HiE stories. Go read Tolkien, or King, or another published author and see how they show interactions and descriptive elements. Don't waste your word with fluff. If you want to write a successful story you have to start by learning what makes a successful story. Show the imagery you want the reader to see through the story. DO NOT LIST IT never tell the reader every unnessassary detail when they can imagine a better scene with a little push in the right direction.
Don't give up on writing, but learn what you need to do to write a good story first. Shit like this is a dime a dozen, and is unimaginative and played out. Write something people with love to wait for, and remember when they're done.
3485516 Well then, Mr, Tree, how bout you search through my other stories then? And I have read Tolkien, Carrol, Rowling, a Romeo and Juliet, among other things, Like the Night Angel Trilogy
3485543
I have attempted some of your other stories. They aren't very good almost universally. I'm glad that you've read good authors, but you should probably try harder to emulate the writing styles if you want more than 1 of you 11 stories to have more positive reviews than negative reviews. It might help if you focus more on one story at a time considering you don't seem to have a single completed story.
So how bout you learn how to write a semi-decent story Mr. Diokno44
3485543
And for some reason you don't seem to respond to the majority of comments criticizing you. I wonder why?
As a Filipino, my instincts tells me to correct this error. 'Tatay' in Tagalog means father, while 'lolo' means Grandpa in English. You didn't even spelled 'Tatay' correctly, so I'm already disappointed...
3487041 I only know some Tagalog, as I primarily learned English, and I've always called my grandfather that, as my grandmother has also called him that around me, and he was the closet thing to a father I had, mine left. I am Filipino aswell, raised in CA all my life, and my family normally speaks in English around me, as I only know a few words. And it was late when I wrote the description.