It was just a normal day for me, got home from school, changed out of my uniform, played video games. I thought it would be just your regular sleep, but nope. I end up in the Everfree Forest with my backpack, filled with my Bible, Sonic Screwdriver flashlight (or torch as it said on the box), my DS Lite (with Pokemon Soul Silver inserted), the katana in my room, my tatai's (Grandpa in Tagalog) hatchet, shirt and jeans, and my glasses. Hitching the backpack over my shoulder, I have to find out why I was sent here, and how to get home.
Chapters (3)
Hey, what can I say, I like it!
can't wait for more.
I like it, but its a little bit rushed. Now i under stand its the whole first chapter thing but just slowdown and this will do great.
so all in all right now its a 4 out of ten derpy story.
3481777 Yoooooooou....
LOL this is cool, I may make one like this but not exactly. More anthropoid and more towards the beginning of MLP. The same as being a random guy transported with weapons and stuff.
3481994 So, you two got some kinda history I take it?
3482005 lol, he killed me with 18 inch guns from his battleship
Sweet Jesus on a pogo stick, this is fucking horrible.
Is this a story or a shipping manifest? It kinda looks like one. I don't mean to sound like a dick but I don't really give a fuck about the things you have in your inventory. You seem to have Aragorn's pants syndrome, man.
Pacing is horrible. I mean, after 2 fucking paragraphs (In which you wrote shit nobody cares about. "LOL I PLAYED SKOOYRIM, FOR A FEW HOURS AND WENT TO BED" Did you even read this stuff?) and then you SUDDENLY wake up in an unknown forest for no reason whatsoever? Seriously dude. Who gives a shit about the stuff in your bag? Why would I? A story is supposed to be about a person (okay, something with a personality). Who gives a shit about where you went to with your family, or the shit you have in your bag if there is no YOU?
When will kids learn katanas are one of the worst swords designed.
Bible
Ds lite
Sonic screwdriver flashlight
Katana
What is this I dont even
Oh God, what? The katana is absolutely useless unless you have years of training under your belt, even then it ends to become dull very quickly. It also shatters quite readily if it impacts something at the wrong angle.
Okay, I'm not going to downvote this, but seriously, you need to work on... pretty much everything.
You could have stopped right there.
No one cares.
Obviously. North Korea isn't big on letting outsiders in, especially not foreign military.
No one cares.
Your family and close friends care; the average reader does not.
Unless every single item is put to use in the story, you're wasting the reader's time. And there's no need to capitalize "torch".
No one cares.
If you're referring to the country, it's Colombia. Also, idle chatter about temperature and weather is how strangers fill time; including so much in your narrative doesn't bode well for the rest of the story.
And what's the very first item pulled out of the bag? Something that wasn't included in the inventory!
I'm assuming you mean "hatchet". Also, that makes two in a row! Why bother to give us a list if you can just pull out anything you want?
He's incredibly casual about finding himself in a fictional setting. He must be so badass.
The hell?
This needs...At least 20 editors. At least.
This is bad. The concept is bad. The plot is bad. The character is bad. Everything is bad.
GARY STU CHARACTERS ARE BAD
HAVING A BACKPACK FILLED WITH BULLSHIT IS BAD
unnecessary information for the readers is bad.
Unleashing some idiot with a sword into Equestria is bad
Giving an items list in your description is bad.
There is no upside to this story. My advice to you is to talk to a proofreader about coming up with a better plot, and grounding yourself into reality. Go read some good HiE stories. Go read Tolkien, or King, or another published author and see how they show interactions and descriptive elements. Don't waste your word with fluff. If you want to write a successful story you have to start by learning what makes a successful story. Show the imagery you want the reader to see through the story. DO NOT LIST IT never tell the reader every unnessassary detail when they can imagine a better scene with a little push in the right direction.
Don't give up on writing, but learn what you need to do to write a good story first. Shit like this is a dime a dozen, and is unimaginative and played out. Write something people with love to wait for, and remember when they're done.
3485516 Well then, Mr, Tree, how bout you search through my other stories then? And I have read Tolkien, Carrol, Rowling, a Romeo and Juliet, among other things, Like the Night Angel Trilogy
3485543
I have attempted some of your other stories. They aren't very good almost universally. I'm glad that you've read good authors, but you should probably try harder to emulate the writing styles if you want more than 1 of you 11 stories to have more positive reviews than negative reviews. It might help if you focus more on one story at a time considering you don't seem to have a single completed story.
So how bout you learn how to write a semi-decent story Mr. Diokno44
3485543
And for some reason you don't seem to respond to the majority of comments criticizing you. I wonder why?
As a Filipino, my instincts tells me to correct this error. 'Tatay' in Tagalog means father, while 'lolo' means Grandpa in English. You didn't even spelled 'Tatay' correctly, so I'm already disappointed...
3487041 I only know some Tagalog, as I primarily learned English, and I've always called my grandfather that, as my grandmother has also called him that around me, and he was the closet thing to a father I had, mine left. I am Filipino aswell, raised in CA all my life, and my family normally speaks in English around me, as I only know a few words. And it was late when I wrote the description.
This is so bat-shit aweful that I love it!
Your OC is an obvious self-insert with WAY too much info on your real life, and with so much OP bullshit you add on to make yourself your own published power-trip.
Fuck this shit.
In fact, NO! Don't fuck this shit!
I need a horrible story in my life to read whenever I feel shitty about my writing abilities, so to the favorites list this goes!
3642540 Alright, I admit, my character is the chosen one. But, if I were in that situation, even IRL, I would say screw it, no. And list how every chosen one has either died, turned evil, gone insane, or ascended to a higher plane of existence, not for me
3643346 That doesn't omit your character from any kind of scorn.
3643541 Fair enough
I dont know what this faggot is saying ---> 3643541
but i LOVE the story! I love how the character is so badass and cool!! MUST HAVE MORE!
3647662 You do realize its actually supposed to be ME, IRL, being sent to Equestria. I would probably get out only one swing, then have to run like hell. Imagine, if you were in the Everfree, surrounded by Timberwolves, with only a sword and little to no formal training.
Also, thanks
but please do not use that type of language
3647728 its still a good story!
3647733 Again, thanks
Nope. Bland character, bland writing, terrible story.
It's sad that the word 'katana' sets off an alarm in most readers. Just like every brand of hand soap kills 99.99% of germs, 99.99% of stories with a katana are crap.
This is so awful I can hardly believe I read it. When I finished, I went to the pharmacy and bought a drug test to make sure the story was legitimately terrible and I wasn't drugged at some point during the workday. So thank you for inadvertently bringing me some measure of reassurance.
4861948 so, could you give me a reason why? And which of my other fics do you think is bad?
4862388 Is that a serious question? You haven't registered the comments/reviews and ratio of down votes to up on your stories?
4896230 Do you think ANY of my work is good?
4896413 No. I'm not trolling. Nor am I flaming. But your stories are unreadable. Not as abominable as Jussonic's, chatoyance's, or metroxlr, but unreadable nonetheless.
4896444 So, even the ones like The Equestrian Chronicles, Killer is Dead, and Centurio De Iteris, which have gotten more positive than negative views, are bad?
3828886 The katana is included only because the author actually owns one. It's a family antique that he cherishes and prizes. Also, how is it bland and boring? He seems to have tried very hard to keep himself from becoming a Mary Sue character. I, for one, have liked and favorited this little diamond in the rough. Keep writing more, please!
5902348 I will my friend, just wait, more shall come
5902405
I've returned for more, please write it. This is really neat! :D