Shining Armor suddenly summoned a quill. In a swift motion he signed the divorce papers. He lifted his face from the floor, his sorrow replaced with rage.
"So, Mi Amore Cadenza, you never loved me? You were always a villain? It's bad enough that you betrayed me, but to tell me that Twilight is a traitor as well? To tell me that she is not even my sister? that is over-stepping my limit. TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS MY SISTER AND IS LOYAL TO EQUESTRIA! AS CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD, YOU, PRINCESS MI AMORE, ARE CHARGED WITH HIGH TREASON ALONG WITH AIDING AN ENEMY OF THE PRINCESSES! AS FOR YOU, "KING" SOMBRA, YOU ARE CHARGED WITH ATTEMPTED MURDER, MURDER, ENSLAVING INNOCENT PONIES, AND HIGH TREASON AGAINST THE CROWN! YOU ARE BOTH UNDER ARREST!" Shining's voice had risen to a shout. He threw up a shield spell against the unicorn and alicorn. Twilight puffed up her chest in pride over her big brother.
"Oh, Shining Armor, you really are thick aren't you?" Cadence's voice sounded harsh. "I've been planning this day for years! I married you so that I could be close to my daughter, and so that I would have time to cast my spell."
"WHAT SPELL DID YOU PUT ON MY BROTHER?!" Twilight shouted with volume to rival Luna's Royal Voice.
"Oh, we'll show you, won't we, Shining Armor?" Cadence seemed to be taunting everypony. Suddenly, Shining Armor fell to the ground, his spell dropped.
"Empress Mi Amore Cadenza! Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?" He said in the voice of a madly in love pony.
"Ms. Sparkle, when I started to foalsit you, do you remember what Shining and I thought of each other?" She asked.
"You hated each other."
"That's right! And I saw the potential that he had. So I cast a simple spell. He began to court me. Eventually, we were married. In that time I increased my spell. All I had to do was activate it, and your "brother" would be my slave. As you can see, it worked." She said with a sly grin.
"Shining Armor! Listen to me! I trust you above all the other guards. I know you can break the enchantment! Come on, Captain Armor, remember what she's doing to you! Think about what she's doing to Twilight!" Celestia called.
Cadence's horn lit up briefly. "The Empress is helping Twilight." Shining said.
A blast of golden magic flew past Sombra and Cadenza.
"Shining Armor, put a shield around these fools!" Sombra shouted. His horn lit momentarily, signaling him tapping into his wife's spell. In a flash, all but Sombra, Cadence, Shining, and Twilight were in a lavender bubble.
"Come here, Twily!" Shining Armor called to her. Twilight's horn flashed and she teleported beside the shield holding her friends and family.
"FOR EQUESTRIA!" She shouted and a bolt of pure magic flew at her old foal sitter. Sombra and Cadence threw up a shield that shattered instantly under Twilight's blast. Cheers came from the shield beside her.
"Your magic skills are amazing!" Sombra said with pride. "However, I can't have you attacking me like a foal. Cadenza, would you and Armor be so kind as to restrain our daughter?"
"Of course, darling." She said as lavender and blue magic dragged Twilight over to the trio.
"NOT. YOUR. DAUGHTER!" Twilight shouted with rage as she fought against the magical bonds.
"TWILIGHT!" The shout came from within the shield.
"Relax, the spell I cast on you when you broke out was too strong. Don't worry, you'll soon be the Twilight Sparkle we know and love." Sombra said evilly. He leaned in close to the struggling Alicorn, putting his face merely an inch from hers. Twilight suddenly reached out towards him with her head. She caught him right below the horn and bit down as hard as she could. She felt the warmth of his blood in her mouth. Sombra roared and yanked his head from hers.
"Just do it already. I want Twily back!" Cadence whined.
"Alright, dear." Sombra leaned in close and his horn glowed with dark magic. He touched his horn to Twilight's, and she let out a deafening shriek. Her whole body felt as if it were freezing, and being ripped apart. She felt her emotions become twisted, filled with anger and pain. She passed out.
Celestia watched helplessly. "TWILIGHT!" She shouted. She fought against the tears, but that was one battle she did not win.
"Send these ponies back to the Canterlot Castle!" Snapped Mi Amore. It was surprising how cold she had become. Shining obeyed and The ponies in the bubble found themselves in the castle. Twilight's parents didn't hesitate to teleport home, deeply depressed after the loss of their children. They also had the shock of finding that Twilight was not their own.
"Princess Celestia! I am reporting for duty from the Crystal Empire! I was to be transferred onto Princess Sparkle's guard. Where can I find her?" A familiar orange pegusus asked. The princess burst into tears at the sight of Twilight's "secret" admirer, Flash Sentry.
3282828 Well, to be blunt, you're not doing a very good job. There just doesn't seem to be much (if any) logic to the events. You don't set things up to happen or add any reasoning for them to happen-- you just make them happen. Such a lack of reasoning is the definition of random. In addition, the style and pacing are exactly the kind I normally see in comedies. I suggest you try finding and reading some similar stories to see how it's done.
Another issue is this statement in the description:
This statement means that it's good that the secrets are now known, which is the opposite of what I think you meant.
And now that I've read the second chapter... It's just plain wierd. Now you're just being dark for the sake of being dark. It's too much darkness too quickly. It's definitely gripping, I won't deny that, but you aren't really taking advantage of that fact. You should space it out and give some time for emotion to set in, for both the readers and the characters. These gripping events with a lack of good pacing is like buying a sports car's engine, but not buying a car to put it in. You've got the potential for a lot of power, but you aren't putting it to use.
On a more positive note, thank you for not blowing up at me for thinking this was a trollfic. That's happened before, and it's not something I'd like to repeat. It is hard to tell the difference sometimes.
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Thanks for the advice! I'm sorry about the writing! I'm very new to FimFic, and to writing in general. I'll see if I can do better in future chapters. And I'll fix the mistake in the description ASAP.
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Sorry to heat you think that way. :(
Yay for Sombra
More please.