The first paragraph displays the same past/present tense confusion I pointed out before. The use of 'beamed' is erroenous, as this is typically a visual depiction, but here you've applied it to Scoot's voice, making it discordant to read, and the paragrah overall is rather strongly Telling with narrative rather than Showing with character.
she watched her reflection, hesitate?
You did this first chapter as well, I recall? The sudden shift in narrative tone (by suddenly becoming a question) seems imprecise in a way) The 'hesitation, Question Mark' is what Scoots is feeling so, in lieu of such, I'd suggest as I think I did before that such instances of in-narrative questions should be rewritten to either being moments from Scoots that show us such feeling, or at the least to be distinct sentences of their own, seperated from the exposition at large.
The fact that Sweetie Belle is not, as far as I yet know, somehow depraved or, ya know, dead is surprsing, and good. Remember what I said before - having Dark darkness of utter darkliocity is far too monotonous, whereas having a spectrum of emotion works much better. Here we see what, in another 'verse, could be a happy relationship budding, and it is, but oh what's this oh right there's that one little detail about our leading little lady being a psychotically degenerating murderer. The image of the mildly-messy house punctuated by the shattered mirrors really presents that impression aptly.
She undressed herself entirely, leaving her gloves on until the end,
This is a blink and you'll miss it moment in the middle of a scene, and one that I latched onto. Not because it's a sexy image, (shut-up), but because it tingled my review senses. We've seen the fingerless gloves before, and I suspect they're something of a prophetic fallacy about Scoot's personality shifts. I'll be keeping an eye out for mentions of them. In anycase, it's a nice attention to detail that enrichens the scene without cutting into the pacing or narrative at all.
I see you've stopped using colour coded internal conflict voices. I don't know if you've done this retroactively to the first chapter since I saw it before, but I'd definetly recommend that even before being right or wrong, that you be consistent. Either keep it always in colour or never, but don't have some of both. I kinda liked the colour, truth be told, though from a sterner perspective it wasn't entirely correct either. Your call.
Interesting letter~ makes me think of the one's 'from a friend' that you get in Skyrim. There's a miscapitalization on the second instance of 'scootaloo' there. This certainly adds a new layer of complexity to the whole mess; somebody knows. They seem quite enthusiastic, though, in machivellian accordance with the dark tag you've got. Again, we see a victim that has the flimsiest pretense of 'derserving' the fate befalling them, barely enough to satisfy Scoot's own twisted need for justification.
Twitch.
I have to go with the impression I get - Scoot's is having a back and forth with herself, both halves talking over one another. Basically a la Gollum or Harvey Dent, with the twitches depicting each shift. Could have been written a little more elegantly, I feel. Otherwise we just get a lonely word alternating every line and paragraph.
Otherwise, again we see that even 'normal' Scoots is very, very dodgy and mentally fractured. Our first instance of connotating sleep with death, and in lieu of the backstory concerning Rainbow Dash, perhaps a revelation into Scootaloo's desire to, ahem, 'sleep.' Again, she resorts to the insane counterlogic of being rude to Sweetie Belle. Without having to narrate it, the dialogue shows that she's losing her grip on morality, which is becoming more and more centered around her own experiences and life. Murder isn't wrong because it's wrong, it's wrong because it's inconveinant or, in this case, rude.
The fact that she seems almost sane with Sweetie Belle really serves to highlight the festering madness within. Quite lovely stuff, really. Oh, and that's a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off, Sweetie Belle, I mean.
The orange mare was so busy with her talking that she didn't notice the light hoof steps coming from the stairs.
Another blink-and-miss moment. Good thing the story by and large is lean enough to accomodate these nicely.
So our mystery friend has had a mystery visit of mysteriousness as well, hmm. Looks like someone other than Scoots is murder-happy. Leaves the reader with more questions than answers, Who, why, that sort of thing, but again the narrative leaves me feeling like these questions are intended and will be addressed appropriately. For now, we get to return to the happy shippy cutesy cuddly naked anthro-bominations (I jest) ((not really)) sleeping blissfully together, which again serves to really highlight and emphasise the fuckup'dness of the whole thing. Befitting for a story of insanity and murder, by and large.
My pet theory? The mystery mare (if it is a mare) is [REDACTED]
P.S. - not relevant, but a classic knife-across-the-throat-kill is so effective because it severs not only a major artery (and opens the wind pipe if you put a bit of muscle into the effort) but because it also causes a massive and sudden pressure loss of blood supply to the brain. Hence, it's an old technique still favoured in the slaughterhousing business. Point is , there's a lot of blood involved in this method, and messy spurting is to be expected.
Overall? Pacing is slow, but steady and comfotable. Sweetie is introduced, as is our mystery mare, and the next kill spreads the taint more thoroughly across the shrivelling husk that is Scootaloo's spluttering and dying soul. Happy days. The past/present tense issues are less prevelant, very few typos at all, though the change from the coloured text is something to be addressed.
I need that "you had my curiosity, but now you have my attention" meme, but I'm too lazy to get it. This is getting good, and the basement scene left me quite ruffled. Oh, yes. I like this. I'mma gonna drop out here for the night and come back to this fic tomorrow, but great job so far, Chase.
Chapter two review -
The first paragraph displays the same past/present tense confusion I pointed out before. The use of 'beamed' is erroenous, as this is typically a visual depiction, but here you've applied it to Scoot's voice, making it discordant to read, and the paragrah overall is rather strongly Telling with narrative rather than Showing with character.
You did this first chapter as well, I recall? The sudden shift in narrative tone (by suddenly becoming a question) seems imprecise in a way) The 'hesitation, Question Mark' is what Scoots is feeling so, in lieu of such, I'd suggest as I think I did before that such instances of in-narrative questions should be rewritten to either being moments from Scoots that show us such feeling, or at the least to be distinct sentences of their own, seperated from the exposition at large.
The fact that Sweetie Belle is not, as far as I yet know, somehow depraved or, ya know, dead is surprsing, and good. Remember what I said before - having Dark darkness of utter darkliocity is far too monotonous, whereas having a spectrum of emotion works much better. Here we see what, in another 'verse, could be a happy relationship budding, and it is, but oh what's this oh right there's that one little detail about our leading little lady being a psychotically degenerating murderer. The image of the mildly-messy house punctuated by the shattered mirrors really presents that impression aptly.
This is a blink and you'll miss it moment in the middle of a scene, and one that I latched onto. Not because it's a sexy image, (shut-up), but because it tingled my review senses. We've seen the fingerless gloves before, and I suspect they're something of a prophetic fallacy about Scoot's personality shifts. I'll be keeping an eye out for mentions of them. In anycase, it's a nice attention to detail that enrichens the scene without cutting into the pacing or narrative at all.
I see you've stopped using colour coded internal conflict voices. I don't know if you've done this retroactively to the first chapter since I saw it before, but I'd definetly recommend that even before being right or wrong, that you be consistent. Either keep it always in colour or never, but don't have some of both. I kinda liked the colour, truth be told, though from a sterner perspective it wasn't entirely correct either. Your call.
Interesting letter~ makes me think of the one's 'from a friend' that you get in Skyrim. There's a miscapitalization on the second instance of 'scootaloo' there. This certainly adds a new layer of complexity to the whole mess; somebody knows. They seem quite enthusiastic, though, in machivellian accordance with the dark tag you've got. Again, we see a victim that has the flimsiest pretense of 'derserving' the fate befalling them, barely enough to satisfy Scoot's own twisted need for justification.
Twitch.
I have to go with the impression I get - Scoot's is having a back and forth with herself, both halves talking over one another. Basically a la Gollum or Harvey Dent, with the twitches depicting each shift. Could have been written a little more elegantly, I feel. Otherwise we just get a lonely word alternating every line and paragraph.
Otherwise, again we see that even 'normal' Scoots is very, very dodgy and mentally fractured. Our first instance of connotating sleep with death, and in lieu of the backstory concerning Rainbow Dash, perhaps a revelation into Scootaloo's desire to, ahem, 'sleep.' Again, she resorts to the insane counterlogic of being rude to Sweetie Belle. Without having to narrate it, the dialogue shows that she's losing her grip on morality, which is becoming more and more centered around her own experiences and life. Murder isn't wrong because it's wrong, it's wrong because it's inconveinant or, in this case, rude.
The fact that she seems almost sane with Sweetie Belle really serves to highlight the festering madness within. Quite lovely stuff, really. Oh, and that's a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off, Sweetie Belle, I mean.
Another blink-and-miss moment. Good thing the story by and large is lean enough to accomodate these nicely.
So our mystery friend has had a mystery visit of mysteriousness as well, hmm. Looks like someone other than Scoots is murder-happy. Leaves the reader with more questions than answers, Who, why, that sort of thing, but again the narrative leaves me feeling like these questions are intended and will be addressed appropriately. For now, we get to return to the happy shippy cutesy cuddly naked anthro-bominations (I jest) ((not really)) sleeping blissfully together, which again serves to really highlight and emphasise the fuckup'dness of the whole thing. Befitting for a story of insanity and murder, by and large.
My pet theory? The mystery mare (if it is a mare) is [REDACTED]
P.S. - not relevant, but a classic knife-across-the-throat-kill is so effective because it severs not only a major artery (and opens the wind pipe if you put a bit of muscle into the effort) but because it also causes a massive and sudden pressure loss of blood supply to the brain. Hence, it's an old technique still favoured in the slaughterhousing business. Point is , there's a lot of blood involved in this method, and messy spurting is to be expected.
Overall? Pacing is slow, but steady and comfotable. Sweetie is introduced, as is our mystery mare, and the next kill spreads the taint more thoroughly across the shrivelling husk that is Scootaloo's spluttering and dying soul. Happy days. The past/present tense issues are less prevelant, very few typos at all, though the change from the coloured text is something to be addressed.
I need that "you had my curiosity, but now you have my attention" meme, but I'm too lazy to get it. This is getting good, and the basement scene left me quite ruffled. Oh, yes. I like this. I'mma gonna drop out here for the night and come back to this fic tomorrow, but great job so far, Chase.
3385976
here!
Okay, now I'm curious, the first chapter didn't really give me any interest, but now I'm curious.
so is scootaloo hearing rainbow dashes voice or someone else? I’m confused as hell, but still an interesting story