Why was I so lucky? Because magic

by Artyom the Brony

Really? Just... really?

“So what did you think of the tour?” Twilight asked, closing the door behind me with magic.

“Oh you know. Fun. Awkward at first, but fun,” I replied

“Well that’s nice. Are you hungry? It’s been a while since you last ate,”

“You know what. Yes. Something to eat would be lovely,” I said with my unseen smile. I should trademark it.

“I’ll go make something then!” She said in a very cheerful voice.

I shrugged and sat down, not seeing a use for myself in the enar future. I glanced over to the table where I had set the makeshift mask. It was still sitting there, in all it’s just makeshiftiness glory. That’s a word right? Anyways it kinda fell apart, because I had some enchanted cloth that was bound around a few other synthetic parts Twilight had replicated from my mask, and that was all bound to my head via rubber band. We had established it worked, but I wouldn’t really trust myself with it.

Scratch that I wouldn’t trust anybody with that. It’s like… begging to fail horribly at the worst of times.

Ah well, nothing to do about it I suppose. Actually I could do something about it if I wasn’t so lazy. How the hell did I manage to become a soldier?

“Mphf!” Came Twilight, voice muffled by a tray in her mouth. I grabbed it so she could sit down and grab a sandwich with her magic.

“Why didn’t you use magic to carry the tray?” I asked, chewing on the sandwich. It had lettuce, tomatoes, and bread. So about ten trillion times better than an MRE.

She blushed and looked away.

“I guess I just forgot,”

“Forgot? That’ would be like me forgetting I had hands. Whatever. So anything else planned for today?”

“No, but I was going on a picnic tomorrow with my friends. They all wanted to get to know you better,”

“Fair enough,”

I hummed a sweet tune as we ate. Twilight seemed to enjoy it. Winning on all fronts!

Eating was slightly annoying, as I had to lift up the mask, take a bite, and then let the plastic seal back down on my skin, but it was better than breathing freely and risking someone barging in. I also figured I could contaminate the air around me, and it would stay ‘polluted’ for Odin knows how long. Better safe than sorry definitely applies here.

I drifted off into think mode. Think mode encompasses all of three things, what have I done with my life? What will I do with my life? And G.I. Joe. Man I really want an action figure now. Just to mess around with, y’know, for old times sake. I kinda miss being a kid. The blissful ignorance when people made sex jokes and I just stared at them with a cocked eyebrow. Heh. See, it’s funny, because people are immature, and cocked kinda sounds like a slang word for penis. Fuckin comedy gold right there.

Oh shi-oot. Need to tone down on the swearing. Keep it PG for the ponies. OH! I figured how I should act around them! It’ll be just like how I act around my nephew Keith! He’s about ten years old, really interested in zombies. Movies, games, whatever, as long as it’s got zombies. Still mostly innocent though, so no swearing or anything like that around him. Oh man, this one time, mah buddy Keith and I-

“Etrius?”

“Hm?” I asked, thinking about that particularly hilarious incident.

“I know it’s a really sensitive topic, especially since it happened so recently… but why didn’t you want to… y’know…”

“Get down and dirty with any of you?” I callously stated. Wait… DAMNIT! Okay, they are innocent, keep it that way.

She blushed pretty furiously at that.

“Well… yes… that’s one way to put it. But… specifically the Princess. Most would consider it an honor to… lay with her,”

“No offense, but I don’t find ponies attractive. Like… at all. Anything outside my own species just… doesn’t do it for me I guess,” I sound like a total prick. And I know it. That’s the worst part! I know I sound like a douche but I don’t ever do anything to stop it!

“OH! Oh, why?” She asked, plopping herself down on the couch next to me.

“Well, back on Earth, ponies weren’t sentient. They were just animals, no thoughts beyond primal instinct. I understand you aren’t like that, at all! Just, it’s been ingrained in my mind for such a long time… I guess. It’s all speculation of course, but nobody really… wanders outside the species if you catch my drift,”

“Oh… I see,” She said, looking downtrodden now. She stared at the ground and pawed the cushion for a while. I obliviously rested my head against the back of the couch and closed my eyes. It’s really nice to not have to be on guard at all times. I just close my eyes and the whole world is no longer a threat to me. I smiled.

In Israel, if you close your eyes, they whip out a knife and slit your throat. Then they video tape it, send it to America, and a war starts. Scratch that, that was racist, mean, and kinda dark. Terrorists of all flavors have been known to use dark means to get what they want. There, politically correct way of saying it really sucks to be an American soldier in an unstable country.

“So what are you going to do the rest of the day?” Twilight asked, having regained her composure.

“Uhhh… uhm…” I think it’s high time I got some exercise. “Prolly run some laps. Crunches, sit ups, if I can find a tree then I’ll go for some pull ups. Workout stuff in general,” I said, getting up.

“Okay! Well, have fun!” She said, wandering over to a book case. I nodded with my now trademarked smile, (not really) and walked outside. I turned to the left and wandered towards the park.

I suddenly became aware that I had a pear in my hand, though I don’t remember taking one with me. Huh. I tossed it in the air a few times, catching it as it fell to the ground. I repeated the process until a mess of rainbow hair and cyan fur snatched it away. Rainbow hovered in front of me, smiling as wide as she could while munching on my pear.

“I hope the stem gets stuck in your teeth,” I said, crossing my arms and shifting my weight to one of my feet.

She rolled her eyes, and with a cartoony gulp, swallowed what was left of the pear.

“What are you doing?” She asked, floating next to me as I started walking again.

“I’m going to exercise. Been a while since I did anything like that,”

“Cool! Mind if I join?”

“Not at all. Just don’t get fussy when you finally loose at something,” It was still odd how I knew so much about these ponies from the memory reading thingy Celestia did to me. It made me feel uncomfortable, knowing their basic personality without actually having spent much time around them at all. This whole place was just… strange.

“Is that a challenge?” She asked, poking me in the chest a few times.

“Was I too subtle?” I asked, looking down at her.

“OH! It is ON!”

She bolted away from me, flying towards the park.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Peace and quiet for a few minutes whilst I reflect on past events.

Oh sweet merciful Odin never again! Recent events suck! I was abducted, I can’t go home to my sweet, natural air, and I have two days before I must use jury rigged pieces of stuff that will probably fail miserably.

I sighed, which made me sound like a scuba diving Darth Vader… fuck my life. SHIT! I mean… darn! Tone down on the swearing. Everything starts with the brain, can’t even think about fu-swearing.

“Hey!” Dash called “You coming or what?”

I was tempted to sigh again, but that would make me repetitive. Nobody should be repetitive. It would also fog up the lenses. Anywho. I started a brisk jog to Rainbow Dash. I caught up with her quickly enough, and I was breathing heavily.

“How are you already winded! We haven’t even started!” She complained

“Hey! This thing is really restricting. It was designed to keep you alive when you absolutely have to. I knew one guy who liked wearing one, and he was stupid anyways. I can still do everything, but I’ll need to take it slower, or take more breaks or something,”

“That makes sense I guess. What’s that made of anyway?”

“Rubber, glass, and the filter is a bunch of science stuff that Twilight could explain if you really wanted her to,”

“HA! No offense, but I’m no egghead,” She said, punching me on the shoulder lightly.

“Same here. If it works, I use it, and that’s the end of that. I don’t need to worry about the how and why and all of that,” I said smiling. I am an ignorant moron, and I love every second of it.

“Finally! Somepony who agrees!” She shouted

“Ground pounders! HOOAH!” I shouted, raising a fist to her.

She got the message and punched my fist with her hoof. We shared a silence, walking towards a lake. It was a beautiful lake, and the sun was at just the right angle to make it shimmer and sparkle like in oh so many movies. It was truly beautiful… but then again this place was rigged, so it was probably always like this.

“Pretty neat huh?” Dash said, gesturing to the scenery.

“Yeah… yeah it is,” If only Cobra Commander were here. The cartoon one, not the real people actors one… he was stupid.

“So what were you thinking? A few laps?”

“Eeeeeeeh five laps looks good. Then some push ups after that, sit ups, and then some pull ups if I can find a tree,”

“Alright RACE YA!” She shouted, taking off. Jesus is there anything that isn’t a competition with her?

I started a brisk jog. No reason to wear myself out. I was about halfway through my second lap when I saw a stallion waving to me.

“HEY!” He called, I started over to him, and stopped when I was within reasonable conversation range.

“You’re Etrius right?” He asked. He was light brown, with a dark brown mane, and had an hourglass for a cutie mark.

“The one and only,” I replied

“Right. I heard you make a comment about a TARDIS while you were running away from all those mares. How do you know about that?” He also had a British accent.

Was this guy serious? “Just an Earth thingy. It’s from a TV show, don’t worry about it… unless you somehow have a similar thing,”

“OH! You’re from that one… oh that makes so much more sense. Well… how would you react if I said I could show you the real thing?”

“I would probably laugh in your face, call you a liar, and then go anyways,”

“Well then follow me,” He said walking away.

“HA! I call BS, you silly pony… ahhh let’s go,”

And so we walked, and I totally ditched Rainbow Dash at the lake. I don’t think she noticed though, otherwise she probably would have done something stupid about the strange stallion leading me towards a secluded place. That probably sounds more innocent in my head than it would out loud. Meh.

“So how did you get here?” He asked

“Oh… uh… sorry, but I don’t think I ever got your name,”

“Hm? OH! Terribly sorry, I’m the Doctor,”

“Neat. I got here via teleportation. Using Human technology, not pony magic. I was blasted through and the whole thing was being blown up… so I just went somewhere random. Turns out the coordinates stuck me here. Pretty damn lucky, but I have a feeling some amount of magic helped,”

“That’s possible… you are just a very lucky person in general aren’t you?” He said

“How would you know?”

“Oh, just from this ne instance alone I can say that this is either a second chance at a bad life, or just a continued winning streak,”

“Winning streak? I was almost raped two damnable days ago!”

He was silent for a moment. “I suppose that is true… but still, you could be dead, yet here you are, up and kicking, at least trying to live,”

I sighed. “Yeah. So I got that going for me, which is nice,”

“Oh cheer up! Things could be a lot worse!”

“Don’t jinx it you fool!” I shouted

He let out a laugh. “I suppose I shouldn’t. Ah! Here we are,” He said, pushing randomly into the air.

I looked around and saw we really were isolated. Easy to get to sure, but far enough out that nobody would find you if they weren’t actively searching.

I looked back and got a fangasm. Through the air, there was a random blue door, that opened up into a very large room. I grinned ear to ear and walked in. Something was off though, it all looked… dead, I suppose. Nothing was working, and it was very dull.

I voiced my opinion.

“Yes, she isn’t doing so well right now. The apparent magic here is doing a lot of things to her. C'est la vie though right?”

“I suppose. I’m still sorry for you though… want a hug?”

He looked at me in a funny way.

“I’ll pass thanks,”

“Suit yourself. So why bring me here?”

“Just to show you a little something. Brighten up your day. Also, the TARDIS has a funny habit of appearing just when you need her too… if you ever find yourself in trouble, try and find us,”

I smiled at the thought of a safehouse.

“Thanks doc,” I said, taking my leave. Just when I was about to close the door though, I leaned back in.

“Hey Docotor,” He looked up to me. “It’s bigger on the inside,” I said with a voice of wonder, looking around.

He grinned. I nodded and walked back towards Ponyville.

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“Really?” Griffin asked

“Yup,” I said, finishing up the details of the TARDIS

“I hate you. I thought the thing would mess itself up, but nope! You went ahead and fucked it all up for everybody!”

“No I didn’t. Come on, hug it out brah,” I said, swiveling my chair around to face him.

“No,” he said, taking a step back

“Yes,” I said, getting up and taking a step forward.

“No!” He started to run

“YOU GET BACK HERE AND HUG ME! AND YOU LIKE IT!” I shouted, chasing after him.

Author's Note:

Hello! It's me again, authors note. I have literally nothing important to say other than I love you all in whatever way you want it to be.

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[EvilOtaku]

Mental image I get thanks to the end.

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