The Clock is Ticking

by BlueBlitzPegasister

Sweet treats

The pink and purple mare slurped up the rest of her milkshake, pushing it over to the other side of the table to show she was finished. “Aren’tyouexcited,I’mexcited,butI’mnervousat thesametime,didn’tyoucallitnervouscited?” She exclaimed quickly. The pink pony on the other side of the table giggled loudly.

“Calm down, silly!” She exclaimed, her blue eyes glittering with amusement. She took the empty milkshake cup and went up to the bar of SugarCube Corner. The Cakes had passed down the place to them since Pound Cake and Carrot Cake went off to Manehatten to open another branch.

“Now, Sundae Spirit. Take a deep breath and try again” She ruffled her daughter’s pink hair, smiling. Sundae Spirit a few deep breaths and tried again

“Aren’t you excited, I’m excited but I’m nervous at the same time, you called it nervouscited, right mom?” Sundae said again, slowly looking up at the grinning mare, her mom.

“Uhuh.” Pinkie Pie answered back as she stuffed balloons and candies into Sundae’s saddle-bag. “OOooOo!” Sundae exclaimed loudly.
“Don’t forget the confetti!!” She shouted as she grabbed packets of confetti from a box under the table.

Sundae jumped up, hitting her head on the bottom of the table. Did I forget to mention that she was under a table? I think I did. The table tipped over, sending chairs flying and other tables to topple over just like dominos. As the chaos settled down, Sundae looked up from under her hooves.

“Whoops..?” she whispered. Just as she said that the small tinkle of a bell could be heard from the front door. Apple Buck, Shadow Cloud and Crystal charged in, but quickly skidded to a stop as they saw the mess in front of them. Unfortunately, they didn’t stop fast enough, causing them to trip over each other and land in a pile beside Pinkie Pie. Pinkie just giggled and untangled them.

“Looking for somepony?” she gestured at Sundae, who was giving them a shy grin. Crystal shook out her mane, but strands of hair were sticking out everywhere.

“C’mon, we gotta leave now if we’re gonna reach Canterlot in time for the celebration!” She stompped her hoof.

“Okie dokie lokie! I was just packing my saddle-bag!” Sundae jumped up with a squeal as she trampled over the mess to get her saddle-bag. She picked it up and laid it down onto her back before turning around. “Ready to go!!” She shouted. A faint yell could be heard from outside. ‘Be quiet over there!’ It said, but none of them noticed.

Sundae jumped over the mess she had caused and landed beside Apple Buck. “Let’s go!” She exclaimed before leaping out of the door, all the other ponies following her.

Pinkie Pie fell onto the floor, laughing at the destruction her own daughter had caused. Her daughter could be such a klutz at times, but she was such a sweetie, nopony could hate her. She was like a treat, a sweet treat.

Author's Note:

Hey y’all. Are you enjoying this..? Hope you are. Anyways, criticism is appreciated but nothing TOO harsh. We have feelings too, you know? Sorry for any grammar mistakes, we’ll try to work on that. Anywhale!

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Thanks for reading!
-ScarletSagePegasister & BlueBlitzPegasister

Comments

[Blackguard]

Chapters under 1000 words? Check.
OCs are the children of the Mane six? Check.
Each one mentioned in turn, but never reference another that we haven't seen yet? Check.
All children have one defining feature? Check.

Result: Story is not looking very good.

But most of these things, well a couple of them are mechanical and easily fixed. You need to write more. Any chapter that is less than 1000 words is barely worth reading. You're not putting in enough to keep a casual reader's attention and the only people that are willing to put in the time are those that have something invested in this story.

Adam Apple? Yeah, I get the joke but it's not really anything dealing with apples now is it? I'd change his name to something more fitting. Also, why does he call his mother "Applejack"? Shouldn't he call her "ma"?

All in all, it's not bad. It's just not very interesting.

[That_G3_Obsessive]

3203157 Well, I'm interested! Loving it so far. Anyway, MY stories are under 1000 words, and PLENTY of people read them!