(Cracks knuckles) Alright then, lets get this review started...
First of all: I would suggest adding an [AU] tag, mainly because if Rarity killed herself or Big Mac was a murderer then that would really throw off the next season of MLP. (Or at least an author's note in the story desription.)
Second: Grammar was quite good. The only real mistake I noticed was a paragrah in Big Mac's chapter (I think). There was a random new line started in the middle of a paragraph.
Third: I dislike how in some chapters there isn't much of an explaination as to how they got where they are for instance: Spike's chapter, Derpy's chapter, and Big Mac's chapter all (mostly) explained how or why they were there in the first place. Spike = slave, Derpy = unloved, Big Mac = just plain crazy. Whereas in Pinkie's chapter and the unicorn slave's (who I can't name) chapter there wasn't any reason for them being there or feeling that way. That's how I felt anyway.
Fourth: I fail to see any real plot (get your mind out of the gutter) to these stories. When I say plot I mean... how to best say this... Like, there is no real point to reading these because nothing really happens.... I hope you're getting this because I am having a hard time to put it into words. I think I'm quoting someone when I say "A story should start with a question and should arrive at the answer. The question could be a simple one such as 'this person likes this person, what happens?' Or it could be a complex one like 'is war bad?'" I am finding it hard to find that question in these stories.
While I respect the talent it takes to write something like this I don't really want to read any more because I just feel like it is all just kind of... there. Nothing about it really reels me in and makes me want to come back.
I hope you liked your review which story should I do next?
Hmm... well, if you're up for it, I have yet to see a lengthy response to this...
In defense of my story (I still respect, and am grateful for your opinion, of course):
1) As the description states, these stories are inspired by and based on songs by the band Swans (which are meant to be listened to along the way), the writing itself emulating the frontman's style. The main reason I did these was because I haven't seen anyone else try this kind of writing before (the content itself probably, but not the actual presentation), and was curious about how people would react.
2) Indeed, there is no central "plot," but I would say there is a central "theme." These stories simply attempt to take a certain element of the show and "reinterpret" them in a much, much more bleak environment (all characters so far are canon, by the way). Think of it as a "snapshot" of the events as they unfold, the subtle details hinting at the full extent of what is going on, or the lack of them letting the reader decide for themselves (e.g "why is Rarity where she is, in the condition that she is in, and who is she after?")
In some of the coming chapters, however, there will be some more "coherent" stories being told (their complexity progressing along with the songs that they are based on).
3) Regarding character "deaths": It might just be the effect of the countless banal Cupcakes-clones out there, or my own failure to deliver the message through my writing, but not all the characters in these stories appear to have a firm grasp on reality. In other words: not all is as it seems...
I like this because it's amazing, yet makes me want to puke at the same time. Like a Baconator for my brain. Okay, not exactly like a Baconator. This fic doesn't make me hate myself. Edit: It is exactly like a Baconator in every way except it's not a sandwich.
Well, that was disturbing... but I like disturbing stuff. That shows some ponies in quite interesting perspective. My favourite chapters were Scootaloo's, Rarity's, Derpy and Big Mac's, which actually reminded me of another song, "O'Malley's Bar", by Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds (which is basically a sweet, 14 minutes long ballad about a guy, who went to a bar and murdered everyone inside).
Yeah, man. I hear you I'm getting this story more, mainly because of Swans. Duh. But I am more curious in your writing, so I'm going to take an extra careful look with my eyes and learn something from you.
(Cracks knuckles) Alright then, lets get this review started...
First of all: I would suggest adding an [AU] tag, mainly because if Rarity killed herself or Big Mac was a murderer then that would really throw off the next season of MLP. (Or at least an author's note in the story desription.)
Second: Grammar was quite good. The only real mistake I noticed was a paragrah in Big Mac's chapter (I think). There was a random new line started in the middle of a paragraph.
Third: I dislike how in some chapters there isn't much of an explaination as to how they got where they are for instance: Spike's chapter, Derpy's chapter, and Big Mac's chapter all (mostly) explained how or why they were there in the first place. Spike = slave, Derpy = unloved, Big Mac = just plain crazy. Whereas in Pinkie's chapter and the unicorn slave's (who I can't name) chapter there wasn't any reason for them being there or feeling that way. That's how I felt anyway.
Fourth: I fail to see any real plot (get your mind out of the gutter) to these stories. When I say plot I mean... how to best say this... Like, there is no real point to reading these because nothing really happens.... I hope you're getting this because I am having a hard time to put it into words. I think I'm quoting someone when I say "A story should start with a question and should arrive at the answer. The question could be a simple one such as 'this person likes this person, what happens?' Or it could be a complex one like 'is war bad?'" I am finding it hard to find that question in these stories.
While I respect the talent it takes to write something like this I don't really want to read any more because I just feel like it is all just kind of... there. Nothing about it really reels me in and makes me want to come back.
I hope you liked your review which story should I do next?
3325396
Alright! Some lengthy feedback!
Hmm... well, if you're up for it, I have yet to see a lengthy response to this...
In defense of my story (I still respect, and am grateful for your opinion, of course):
1) As the description states, these stories are inspired by and based on songs by the band Swans (which are meant to be listened to along the way), the writing itself emulating the frontman's style. The main reason I did these was because I haven't seen anyone else try this kind of writing before (the content itself probably, but not the actual presentation), and was curious about how people would react.
2) Indeed, there is no central "plot," but I would say there is a central "theme." These stories simply attempt to take a certain element of the show and "reinterpret" them in a much, much more bleak environment (all characters so far are canon, by the way). Think of it as a "snapshot" of the events as they unfold, the subtle details hinting at the full extent of what is going on, or the lack of them letting the reader decide for themselves (e.g "why is Rarity where she is, in the condition that she is in, and who is she after?")
In some of the coming chapters, however, there will be some more "coherent" stories being told (their complexity progressing along with the songs that they are based on).
3) Regarding character "deaths": It might just be the effect of the countless banal Cupcakes-clones out there, or my own failure to deliver the message through my writing, but not all the characters in these stories appear to have a firm grasp on reality. In other words: not all is as it seems...
I like this because it's amazing, yet makes me want to puke at the same time. Like a Baconator for my brain. Okay, not exactly like a Baconator. This fic doesn't make me hate myself.
Edit: It is exactly like a Baconator in every way except it's not a sandwich.
3327650
Glad you enjoyed it! I believe that's the effect that I was aiming for...
Well, that was disturbing... but I like disturbing stuff.
That shows some ponies in quite interesting perspective. My favourite chapters were Scootaloo's, Rarity's, Derpy and Big Mac's, which actually reminded me of another song, "O'Malley's Bar", by Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds (which is basically a sweet, 14 minutes long ballad about a guy, who went to a bar and murdered everyone inside).
3327975
"Scootaloo's chapter"?
Oh, you mean the first one? Well, I did leave these open to interpretation...
3327984
Now I'm rereading the first chapter, and I'm more convinced that it's Fluttershy... (how could I miss "doormat"? )
3328000
Still, I enjoy these reactions, since they bring forth entirely new interpretations that are just as interesting as what I originally had in mind...
3327033
Yeah, man. I hear you I'm getting this story more, mainly because of Swans. Duh. But I am more curious in your writing, so I'm going to take an extra careful look with my eyes and learn something from you.
Derpy, obviously.