Snips' Clips Barbershop

by AtomicMuffin

Rock Farm Follies

Snips sighed heavily as he unlocked the shop the next morning. He flicked the switch and the barber pole outside spun to life. Wrapped in his corona of magic was a single cup of Starbuck coffee. Today he was skipping breakfast.

He had started the day as chipper and excited as a young colt. He fixed his mane and strolled purposefully out of his home. All of the confidence burned in his heart just as it did last night. He marched into the still market, but stopped abruptly. Even from clear across the square, his eyes saw Sweet Roll with crystal clarity. She blew a stray hair out of her face and pulled a fresh tray of rolls out of her cart. The tray must have still been hot, because she quickly lowered it back onto the cart and started sucking on the tip of her hoof.

Snips froze. His body felt suddenly rigid. He remembered a picture that Snails had shown him in a magazine when they were younger. A beautiful mare stood in a her shower. Her mane was wet and slicked back as she glanced seductively at the camera, one hoof teasingly lingered on her full lips and the other... NO! NO! NO! I can't do it!

He ran all the way back home and dove into his own shower. Cold water poured down on top of him as he thought, Who am I kidding? Everything she does is adorable! Now thoroughly sober, he dried off and started his day again.

Business was usually slow in the mornings, but it doesn't stay that way for long. Snips had been patiently waiting for customers, while simultaneously cleaning his tools and brooding over his hasty retreat earlier that morning, when two bedraggled strangers dragged themselves into his shop.

They were a pair of unicorns who both had pale yellow coats, red and white streaked manes and tails, shabby blue and white striped vests, crooked bow ties, tattered straw boater hats, and thick scruffy beards. The clothing looked like it had once been pristine, but now it showed the wear and tear of hard times. The dark bags under their eyes attested to their hardships.

Snips called hesitantly, "Um... Come in, gents. What can I do for you today?"

The pair removed their hats and clutched them tightly in their hooves. Then on of them said, "Dear barber, could you spare some of your services for my brother and myself?"

The other added, "Indeed. We're just some poor sods down on our luck."

The first brother spoke up again, "And we figured a handsome and strapping stallion such as yourself would see fit to aid poor wandering souls like us."

Snips eyed the pair suspiciously. Something about them looked familiar. Their smooth talking and flamboyant clothes reminded him of a particularly memorable cider season. Suddenly it clicked.

"Hey! You guys are Flim and Flam! You tried to take Sweet Apple Acres away from the Apple family. You're lucky that you didn't come in yesterday or Big Mac would have beaten you both all the way to Canterlot. Get out of my shop! I don't help theives!" He glared at them menacingly, then charged his horn for added effect. Snips had learned long ago that the right stance could intimidate any opponent into backing away.

Surprisingly, Flim and Flam just latched onto his front hooves and cried piteously. They groveled at his hooves like a pair of foals that had just been spanked. Flim begged, "Please, sir! I just want to be rid of this horrible beard!"

Flam pleaded, "Right you are brother! And I do miss my dear mustache!"

Snips rolled his eyes at the pitiful display happening right in front of him. In his life, he had seen (and done) some pretty regrettable things, but nothing could compare with the pathetic sobbing of these two grown stallions. He finally relented.

"Alright, alright. Stop crying and I'll trim your beards, but I want you both out of Ponyville as soon as we're done. Clear?"

The pair leaped back to their hooves, their eyes miraculously dry. "I told you he was a top notch stallion, didn't I Flam?"

"That you did, Flim. And might I say-"

Snips waved a hoof to interrupt. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of you get in the chair."

The one called Flim jumped into the barbers chair and spun excitedly. He looked as happy as a foal on Hearth's Warming Eve. Snips mixed the shaving cream in his hooves while he used his magic to manipulate his scissors. The scissors went to work trimming away the bushy beard while Snips used a boar's hair brush to whip up the thick shaving cream.

Finally, curiosity got the better of him and he asked, "So how did you two get this bad? What exactly have you two been doing these last few years?"

Flim had the sense to remain silent, since a variety of sharp instruments were dangerously close to his exposed throat. Even in the expert hooves of a master barber like Snips, he didn't want to take his chances. So it turned to Flam to tell their tale.

"Believe it or not, we were getting by just fine until three months ago. We were selling products in Canterlot, Trottingham, Manehattan, Fillydelphia, you name it! But we didn't like working to make somepony else money, so we struck out again to try a new scam- I mean, plan. Yeah! We had an idea for a product that would take Equestria by storm! We were gonna put one in every apartment and two in every home! It was gonna be huge!"

"Yeah? What were you selling?"

"Why, pet rocks, of course!"

"Pet rocks?"

"Yes, pet rocks."

"Seriously?" Snips deadpanned.

"Well, why not? Each pet rock is already housebroken, you can name it whatever you want, they don't eat anything, and you can even teach them tricks. Some tricks may require minor assistance from the owner, but it's the perfect pet."

Snips just focused on his work. If he thought about it too hard, he might get an aneurysm. It amazed him that guys like this almost took over Sweet Apple Acres. "So what happened?"

Snips saw the corner of Flam's mouth twitch slightly. Obviously the memory was painful, but he continued with the story. "The first thing we needed were the rocks. So we thought it would be smart to pitch our idea to a business minded rock farmer who could stand to potentially become a millionaire. So we visited a farm run by a vicious old goat by the name Igneous Rock."

Snips paused mid snip. "You mean, Pinkie Pie's father?"

Flam grumbled, "The very same."

Snips cracked a knowing smile. "How'd that go?"

Flam gestured grandly to himself, as if the the evidence spoke for itself. He groaned and said, "We should never have set hoof in that backwater hick town..."

~`~`~The Rock Farm~`~`~

Flim and Flam strolled confidently onto the dusty rock farm. It was simple yet functional. Dusty fields stretched as far as the eye can see. Scrubby trees and rocks of various sizes littered the landscape. The only sign of equine habitation was a solemn farmhouse in the distance. As they approached the farmhouse, the details of the farmstead became more apparent. A large grain silo towered over everything, casting a shadow on a shabby farmhouse and a rusty windmill.

"What a dump, Flim."

"I agree, Flam."

"I guess it's time to speak to the farmer."

"After you, brother."

A stern looking mare called for lunch, and two young mares and an older stallion trudged wearily out of the field. Flim and Flam trotted up the path to intercept the stallion.

"Dear sir, my brother and I would like to speak with you about a business proposition that will be of great benefit to the both of us."

The stallion looked unimpressed. He cared nothing for the slick city ponies in front of him, but he couldn't deny them his hospitality.

He raised a single eyebrow and asked, "Is that right?" He turned to his wife and said, "Mama, you and the girls head in for lunch. I'll go have a word with these gentlponies in the silo."

His wife nodded and the three mares retreated into the house. The aged stallion ushered his guests into the silo. There was no grain stored within, probably because they raised rocks, not wheat. Igneous gestured for the two ponies to be seated at a rough wooden table. Each stallion pulled up a stool and prepared to talk business.

With their usual vigor and charisma the Flim-Flam Brothers launched directly into explaining their newest scheme.

"Tell me, Mr. Rock, does a worldly pony like yourself get tired of rolling around dust old rocks day in and day out?" Flim asked.

Without waiting for a reply, Flam added, "How about that lovely family of yours? Don't you want to give them everything they have ever wanted and deserved?"

They grinned and said in unison, "Then do we have a deal for you!" They continued their practiced pitch strategy of alternatively speaking for every sentence. With any luck, the geezer would get lost halfway through the presentation and sign on to anything.

"We want to take some of your troublesome rocks off your hooves and sell them as pets to loving homes."

"Your rocks will bring joy and love to some excited colt or filly."

"And the best part is that we will handle all sales and marketing!"

"All you have to do is provide us with your rocks and we will offer you twenty percent of the profit. Sound's too good to be true, doesn't it, Flim?"

"I think so, Flam!"

Again their voices united in practiced synchronization, "So what do you say, Mr. Rock?" They both reached out a hoof and smiled expectantly.

Igneous Rock stared at the pair quietly. Years of farm work had taught him many things, some of which were patience, shrewd business practices, and the ability to smell a scam the instant it set hoof onto his property. The wise stallion gently set his hat on the table and stroked his thick beard thoughtfully. He was about to deliver his verdict when a loud clanging echoed through the silo.

Clang! Clunk! Bonk!

All three sets of eyes turned toward the grain chute riveted to the ceiling.

"WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

A pink cannonball shot from the end of the chute and rocketed towards a stack of hay sitting conveniently on the floor of the seldom used silo. It collided with the pile, launching loose hay and dust all over the room. As soon as the dust had settled, a pink pony bounced out of the partially destroyed stack, giggling hysterically.

"Hello, Pinkamena. This is a welcome surprise," Igneous said, though his tone implied that he was anything but surprised. Over the course of her life, his daughter had proven to be unpredictable. After a while, he just stopped trying to figure her out and nothing has surprised him since.

"Hi, Papa!" She rushed over to hug the stallion, completely ignoring the flashy siblings standing just across the table. She started talking animatedly, "I just wanted to come over and see how the old place was doing, and I also wanted to show Mama my new cupcake recipe, and I wanted to see how Inkie and Blinkie are doing. Oh, whatever happened to that purple dog that you used to have? I think Mama called him Courage. Poor little doggy was always scared of everything. Can't forget about all of my favorite rocks too! I was wondering how Slate and Slag and Rubble and-"

She stopped as Igneous shushed his daughter firmly."Hold your tongue, Pinkamena." Pinkie was clearly confused by his request, but she stuck out her tongue and gripped it with one hoof. Igneous massaged his temple with a hoof, but said nothing since her action achieved its desired effect. He continued, "I am in the middle of a business meeting with these two city stallions. Your mama and sisters are in the house having lunch right now. Why don't you go visit with them and I will come in whenever we finish our discussion."

Pinkie turned around and regarded the stallions as if seeing them for the first time. When she saw who it was, her eyes narrowed and she started sputtering frantically. She attempted to explain to her father just how underhanded these stallions were, using words like 'charlatans,' 'con-artists,' and possibly even 'Scumbag Steves' at some point. All her ranting was pointless because she had forgotten to let go of her tongue. Ultimately she only succeeded in thoroughly soaking the brothers in a generous layer of saliva.

Igneous' voice remained level, "Pinkamena, go inside with your mother and sisters."

"Budff Paffffpa!"

"Pinkamena Diane Pie." His firm voice never wavered or showed any unnecessary emotion. Pinkie bowed her head and walked out of the silo. Despite her desire to protest, she loved her father and respected his sage wisdom and stoic pride.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Flim and Flam launched onto their target with practiced ease. "So do we have a deal, Mr. Rock?"

Igneous replied, "No."

Flim sputtered in shock, "Surely you aren't going to turn down this once in a lifetime opportunity. As a family man you should-"

Igneous glared at him dangerously, but still refused to raise his voice. "Don't presume to tell me what is best for my family. We are honest and hard working folk who make an decent living out of these rocky fields." His face returned to it's usual blank stoicism. "As for your proposition, you didn't let me finish. I don't like it the way it is, but I am willing to negotiate. Here are my terms. If you both are willing to work on this farm for three months, then I will see that you are serious about this enterprise and you will also prove that you have the skills to take care of my precious rocks. If you can stick it out for three months, then I will give you full access to our west field to do with as you please. We will provide food for you and you will be allowed to sleep in the silo, but I have to warn you that you will have to abide by my rules on this farm. If you leave, you get nothing. If you break my rules, you get nothing. But I can assure you one thing." His eyes glinted wickedly in the dim light, and his lips curled into a sadistic smile. "If you do anything to hurt any member of my family, then you will get something." Their confused looks made his grin stretch even wider. "You'll get a long wooden box and a very deep hole in the south field. Do we understand each other?"

The brothers gulped nervously and nodded.

"Good. Those are my terms, boys. What do you make of 'em?"

"Would you give us a moment to consult?"

"By all means."

The pair went to the opposite corner of the silo and debated quietly for several minutes. They argued the relative merits of leaving and finding another farm before they realize that they didn't have a contingency plan. They had expected to smooth talk some country bumpkin into giving them whatever they needed, but they didn't expect to have to earn it. Flim, ever the optimist, pointed out that they would be getting the rocks for free if they worked for it. Their lodgings and food would be free, and from what they heard there was nothing that tasted as good as down-home cooking. They wouldn't have to spend a single bit!

Grinning eagerly, Flam stretched out his hoof to shake on the deal, "You have yourself a wager, boss."

"We promise you won't regret it!"

Igneous put on his hat and chuckled, "We'll see."

~`~`~The Barbershop~`~`~

Snips whipped away the barber's cape and Flim leaped triumphantly into the air. He shouted, "FREEDOM!!! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE IS BACK! THE WORLD IS MINE FOR THE TAKING!"

He jumped out of the chair and started running in circles around the room, giggling like a simpleton. Flam looked apologetically at Snips and settled into the now vacant chair. He leaned back and groaned in ecstasy. "Please, just make sure to leave my mustache. It's my pride and joy."

Snips rolled his eyes and went to work. He said, "So you mentioned something about Igneous setting rules. What kind of rules did he set?"

Both brothers froze. Flim even stopped dead in his tracks. Their eyes glazed over and they spoke in monotone unison, "Rule number one: there is no magic on a rock farm. Rule number two: work is from sunup to sundown. No exceptions. Rule number three: obey the farmer. These are the rules. This is the code. Live by the code."

The brothers blinked three times and then resumed their previous activities. Flim ran around as if nothing had happened and Flam apologetically smiled at Snips. He noticed Snips' confused look and said, "Terribly sorry, I believe that I must have spaced out there. Anyway, the old goat shook on the deal and we moved to the house to meet the family..."

~`~`~The Rock Farm~`~`~

The three stallions made their way into the farmhouse. Flim and Flam were struck by how plain and simplistic it was. The interior was made entirely of wood except for the stone fireplace. There was no electricity, no running water, and only one book seemed to exist in the entire house.

The mares were all seated at a large wooden table. Igneous took his place at the head of the table and introduced the brothers to the family.

"You boys already met Pinkamena, so now you get to meet the rest of my family. This is my wife, Cloudy Quartz," He gestured to the stern matriarch. Her mane was tied back in a thick bun and her spectacles flashed whenever they caught the light. She looked tough, which slightly intimidated Flim and Flam, "and these are my other daughters, Marble Pie and Limestone Pie." Marble and Limestone were plain looking mares. Both had coats and manes of some shade of grey or other. The only real distinguishing feature was their eye color. Marble's were a dull purple while Limestone's were a light dusty brown. The salesponies didn't pay much attention to them.

"Now, Mama, I expect you to treat these boys as our own. That means that you'll have to discipline them if they get out of line too. Girls, these boys are going to be working with us for a few months," The grey mares looked skeptically at the pair, as if sizing them up, "but I don't want you around them without Mama or myself around. It wouldn't be proper. Does everypony understand?" Everypony nodded their understanding.

After all the introductions were complete, Igneous stood up and said, "Well, it's about time to get back to work. We're going to break you boys in by moving some rocks from the south field to the east field. Let's see if you can handle it."

The work was back-breaking and the sun was unrelenting. By the time the sun started to set, the brothers felt like they were going to collapse on the spot. Igneous nodded approvingly, "Not bad for a half day's work." Then he trotted off back to the house. Flim, Flam, and the girls followed him.

Exhaustion had completely eliminated they boys' minds, so they cleaned themselves up and ate dinner in a complete stupor. When the time came for them to retire to the silo, they collapsed on their bed of straw and were sound asleep before they even had time to complain about the meager furnishings.

The next morning they were awakened by a splash of cold water. The pair sputtered and sat straight up, the shock of the drenching taking them completely unawares. Igneous Rock stood over them with an empty bucket in his mouth. He spat the bucket out and gazed in disappointment at the pair.

"Sun's been up nearly an hour and you two have already missed breakfast. Time to go to work."

The pair tried to protest, but a quick look from the farmer silenced them. He turned to them and explained, "I've already gone over our rules. We get up with the sun and work with it. If you don't like it then you can go. If you really need to eat, then take a bite out of that hay you were sleeping on."

He walked out of the silo and the brothers shared an indignant look. With a groan they followed the old stallion into the field and prepared for the longest day of their lives.

Even in their worst nightmares, Flim and Flam couldn't have imagined how horrible a rock farm could be. The first few hours were spent rotating more rocks from the south field to the east field. The night's chill was wearing off and the sun was asserting its dominance over the land. Before long, the brothers were drenched in sweat and their muscles were already straining. Looking around, they noticed that the farmer and his daughters looked as refreshed as if they had just woken from a good night's rest.

After a quick lunch came rock polishing in the north field. Apparently this is where the farmer kept the biggest and most cumbersome rocks. There were boulders easily three times bigger than any of the ponies present. The act of polishing wasn't nearly as physically straining as moving them, but the repetitive motions and tedious nature of the work was draining on a different level. By the time the sun had set, the hyperactive brothers were nearly driven mad from the monotony.

They continued to work in this same fashion for a solid month. Luckily today was Sunday, the one day every week that the family was not allowed to work. The brothers were allowed to leave the farm if they wanted, but exhaustion from the punishing week left them with nothing but the desire to sleep and recuperate. On this particular Sunday, they needed some time to talk strategy.

"Come on, Flim. There is no way we can keep this up for two more months!"

"Have some faith, brother of mine. The old goat said we get the west field after this little game is done."

"I just don't think a scam like this is even worth it."

"Don't tell me you would rather sell worthless junk to make money for somepony else."

Flam stomped his hoof emphatically. "We aren't farm ponies, Flim. We aren't built to work like this."

Flim glared defiantly at his brother. "Do what you want, but I am sticking it out. I believe in this project, and so should you."

Flam blinked in confusion. He and his brother had never argued before. They had always been the perfect team, always on the same page. After only a month their perfect team was starting to fall apart.

"This isn't about the rocks anymore, is it Flim?"

Flim sighed heavily and slumped into the hay. "It's just... we never finish anything. Every scam we ever tried failed miserably. I just want, for once, to see things through to the end. I want us to be big shots."

Flam shook his head and smiled at his brother. Flim had a point. Their previous schemes never really worked out, but they always kept trying. He gently nudged his brother and said, "Come on, Flim. Let's go check out that field. We need to keep our eyes on the prize after all!"

Flim climbed to his hooves and smiled warmly at his brother. "Count me in, Flam!"

They exited the silo and strode purposefully out onto the field. They approached the west field and caught view of the beautiful sight before them. A field stretched out before them. It was smaller than the others, but jutting with rocks of all shapes and sizes. To some it would just be a rocky field, but to them it was the promise of a brighter future. They just leaned their forelegs against the fence and stared at the barren field before them.

The sun started to set, casting an orange glow over the land. Flim and Flam continued to lean on the fence and watch the field before them. They perked up their ears as they heard the gentle clip-clopping of hooves approach them. The fence groaned as Igneous Rock joined the brothers.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" he asked.

"Sure is," they replied in unison.

Igneous chewed on a stalk of wheat for a moment, then continued, "You know boys, I have to be honest. I didn't think you two would last a single day on this farm, but you proved me wrong. I know you don't care much for our way of life out here, but we are hard working and honest folk. One day I hope that you both will learn to respect us."

The brothers said nothing, and the three of them watched the sun set over the field. Igneous turned to walk away, but he paused. With his back still facing the pair, he said, "I honestly hope that you two can make it. This last month, you boys have been like the sons I never had. This field may very well be yours one day, and I just want to make sure that it is going to somepony who can really appreciate its value."

With that thought he started walking away, leaving the two brothers to contemplate the growing darkness before them.

~`~`~The Barbershop~`~`~

Snips set down the shears and slid the razor several times across a whetstone, preparing for the final stretch. All that was left was to shave the remaining stubble from Flam's face. Flim had since stopped running and had settled for sitting on a bench and rubbing his face constantly, with a manic grin plastered on his face.

Snips asked, "Igneous really said that?"

"And we believed it too."

Snips was surprised to see a tear roll down Flam's face. He looked over at Flim and saw that the stallion had similar tears in his eyes. Flim whimpered, "The old goat treated us like family."

Snips asked hesitantly, "What happened?"

Flam took a deep breath. "Everything went sour a little over a month later. We were getting used to the work, and the old goat was actually starting to show some pride in us. He even asked us to call him Papa. With only a few weeks left, the old goat asked about our plans."

~`~`~The Rock Farm~`~`~

The stallions had just finished raising a barn on the border of the north and west fields. The months of toil on the farm had toned their muscles and the brothers now boasted thick beards much like the farmer.

Stepping back to admire their work, Igneous asked, "So boys, your time here is almost up. How do you feel?"

"Honestly, Papa? I am really happy that we stuck it out. Flim and I have learned so much from you. Don't you agree, Flim?"

"Sure do, Flam. And I want to thank you and Mama for treating us so well."

"My pleasure, boys. Now, you two take the rest of the day off and get some rest. Tomorrow we start harvesting the west field."

Flim blurted, "But Papa, the west field is supposed to be our field. Why would we harvest it now?"

The old stallion chuckled, "Why the hay do you think we built this barn? It's yours!"

The pair stared dumbly at the old farmer. He continued to laugh heartily as he made his way to the house. Flim and Flam just stared at the retreating figure. Suddenly they both broke into wide grins and danced joyously with one another. They laughed so hard that they collapsed on the dusty ground. When the laughter subsided, they picked themselves up and trotted to their silo.

The pair entered their temporary home and jumped straight into their beds that they had cobbled together out of broken water barrels, split fence posts, and fresh hay that they had collected from one of the fields. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was something.

Flam giddily exclaimed, "We're almost there, Flim! Just a few more weeks and we can start making millions off those Pet Rocks. I tell you, when we make our first million, I'm just going to fill a tub with bits and bathe in it!"

Flim remained silent, not at all mirroring his brother's enthusiasm. He meekly whispered, "Flam? I don't think I want to leave."

Flam gasped in shock. He rushed to his brother's bedside and pressed his face dangerously close to his brother's. He spat venomously, "Think about what you just said, brother. I told you before, we are not farm ponies. And it will be a cold day in Tartarus before I give up on all that money. We are sitting on a goldmine here, Flim! I am not giving that up for a monotonous life of back-breaking labor!"

Flim shot back, "We have a family here, Flam. We have a mama, papa, and sisters. Back home we have nopony. Not since Uncle Easy Street passed away." They both paused, remembering the suave stallion who was their guardian and mentor. He taught them everything they knew about sales, even the parts that they weren't exactly proud of.

Flam countered, "We have each other, Flim. That's all we've ever needed. Don't go soft on me now!" Even as he said it, his heart wasn't in the argument. Flam had also grown fond of their new family. He sighed and dropped his argumentative tone. He said, "Just think about it, brother. All of our merchandise is here. The field will be ours, and if we sell out then we are going to have to raise another set of rocks to sell."

A glimmer of hope glinted in Flim's eyes. "You mean we won't have to leave?"

"Not permanently."

Flim jumped out of bed and hugged his brother. The pair had found that their time on the farm had made them closer than ever. Since Igneous had given them the afternoon off, the brother still had a couple of hours before they needed to go to sleep, so they took the time to celebrate like proper stallions. Checking that nopony was outside, Flim reached under his bed and pulled out a small cask of special pear cider. Ever since the Sweet Apple Acres incident, the pair refused to drink apple cider. Flam followed his brother's lead and pulled out two wooden mugs.

They spent the next few hours singing merrily and drinking the crisp cider. In a few hours they were sufficiently buzzed and passed out contentedly.

{The next morning}

"WHAT IN CELESTIA'S NAME IS GOING ON!" Igneous shouted furiously.

Flim and Flam groggily tried to sit up in their beds; however, an unfamiliar weight across their torsos made the movement impossible. They rubbed their eyes blearily and looked down to investigate the strange weight. What they saw made their eyes widen in horror.

"M-Marble!" Flim sputtered.

"Limestone!" Flam gasped.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?!" They shouted in unison.

The mares blinked groggily and gave the stallions weak smiles before holding them tightly and snuggling closer. Igneous Rock stood over them with murder in his eyes and a psychotic grin on his face. In a much calmer, and much more dangerous, tone he said, "Boys? Do you mind telling me what's going on here?"

The pair sputtered, unable to think of anything that would remedy the situation. Flam finally found his voice and said the most horrendous thing that anypony could possibly say in that situation, "Papa, this isn't what it looks like!"

The farmer licked his lips and widened his grin, displaying his discolored teeth. "Would you mind telling me what it looks like then, Flam? In my old age, I seem to have trouble identifying situations such as this."

"I...I...I know it looks bad, but I assure you that we have done nothing unwholesome to your daughters. For crying out loud, they are like sisters to us!" Flim nodded his head rapidly to validate his brother's words.

"I hate to say this boys, but I don't rightly believe you. Even if I did, I couldn't take the chance. I simply have to rectify this situation."

Flim gulped and spoke for the first time, "Wha- What are you going to do to us?"

Igneous glanced down at Flim, malice radiating from his every hair. "Well this can only mean one thing..."

"A WEDDING!!!" Pinkie Pie screamed, jumping impossibly from behind her father's back and launching two hooffuls of rice into the air. If Flim and Flam hadn't been so shocked by her words, they would have thoroughly questioned her about her unlikely appearance. Pinkie proceeded to hop forward and pull both of her sisters out of their beds. She pulled them into a tight group hug and shouted cheerfully, "This is so exciting! My sisters are getting married! Your foals are going to be absolutely adorable! Oh! What kind of cake do you want?"

She would have gone on, but Flim and Flam finally registered her initial words and both cried out, "A WEDDING?!"

Igneous wrapped his hooves around their shoulders and laughed. "Yep! Welcome to the family, boys!"

The brothers ducked under the stallion's legs and slowly backed against the wall. Their eyes widened to the size of saucers and they broke out in cold sweats. They couldn't be getting married! There were too many beautiful mares in the world! It would be a crime against equinity for them to settle down so soon!

Pinkie giggled, "Oooh! Looks like it's going to be one of those weddings!"

Igneous nodded and reached behind him. From seemingly nowhere he pulled out an old double-barreled shotgun.

Pinkie cried excitedly, "SHOTGUN WEDDING!"

In that moment the brothers came to the realization that they were not suited for farm life after all. They needed a way out, and fast! Ever the quick thinker, Flim said, "Now hold on a moment! We both know that these lovely mares deserve a proper wedding, right? There are a lot of things that we need even for a small wedding. Like the cake."

In response, Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a three tiered wedding cake complete with two sets of plastic bride and groom pieces that looked uncannily like the brothers and her two sisters.

"There is still the matter of somepony to preside over the ceremony."

Once again Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a large yellow tome. The title read, "The Elements of Harmony for Dummies: And All the Rights, Privileges, and Responsibilities That Come With It" written by Princess Twilight Sparkle.

"According to this book, I, as the Element of Laughter, have the legal authority over anything that involves a party. As such, I am authorized to perform a legally binding wedding ceremony." She grinned excitedly.

"How about witnesses?" Flam interjected.

Pinkie prodded her chin with a hoof. "Hmmmm, hold that thought!" She bolted out of the silo in a blur of pink. Not ten seconds later she reenters, pulling in a suds-covered cyan mare wearing a shower cap and an indignant white unicorn with a curly purple mane.

Rainbow Dash shouted angrily, "What's the big idea, Pinkie! I was in the middle of a bath, for Celestia's sake!"

"But Dashie! We need you and Rarity to be witnesses for my sisters' wedding!"

Rainbow slumped in defeat. "At least let me go rinse off." She flew off through the door, leaving a trail of bubble in her wake.

Rarity cantered happily in and looked over the brides to be. "Pinkie, would you be a dear and fetch these beautiful mares a set of dresses from my boutique? I think that number seven and number twenty-three from my autumn wedding line will do nicely." She had barely gotten the words out before Pinkie disappeared in another pink blur.

Flim and Flam were terrified. Not only were they being forced to marry against their will, but because of Pinkie Pie's ridiculous abilities they were doing it immediately!

Rarity ushered the two mares out of the silo, leaving the three stallions alone for the first time.

"I swear, Mr. Rock, we didn't do anything! There is no need to go through with this!"

"I thought I told you to call me 'Papa.' And what's the matter with you, boy? Don't you want to be a part of this family?"

The brothers shared a look and nodded solemnly.

"Ready, Flim?"

"Ready, Flam!"

"Let's bing, bang, ZAM!"

They lit their horns aglow and produced a bright flash. Temporarily disoriented, Igneous Rock spun wildly with the shotgun still clutched in his hooves. He accidentally pulled the trigger and blasted a hole into the ceiling of the silo. The brothers took advantage of his temporary blindness and bolted for the door, quickly grabbing their hats and vests using their long neglected magic. As they ran into the farmyard, they skidded to a halt.

Pinkie Pie had already set up a pavilion complete with an arch of white roses. She stood under the arch dressed in a black robe with her sisters standing on either side. They wore simple white wedding dresses, but the simplicity made them look dazzling. The brothers almost considered actually going through with the wedding...almost.

Cloudy Quartz saw the brothers and tried to corner them with a rolling pin held expertly in her mouth. The boys had stolen enough cakes and pies over the last few months to know just how deadly a rolling pin can be. They were especially wary of the mare holding it. Most of the time, Mama was tough but fair. Other times, she possessed a ferocity that would send a rabid badger running in terror.

Looking around, Flam noticed a tarp covering an old plow that was leaning against the silo. With a quick flick of his horn, the tarp whipped off the farm implement and covered Mama. Another blast was heard as Igneous blew a smoking hole in the silo door. Not risking another confrontation, they ran as fast as their hooves could carry them.

Limestone cried, "Wait!"

Marble wailed, "Don't you love us?!"

They didn't heed the calls and continued to run for their lives. They didn't stop running until they were well past the hills that surrounded the farm.

~`~`~The Barbershop~`~`~

Flam rubbed his smooth chin and tweaked his restored mustache. He continued, "The old goat has a surprising social network for a hick-town farmer. We have been hiking through some of the most unforgiving terrain possible for the last five days, avoiding any equine until we felt that we were safe. At least now we remember who we really are."

Snips shook his head and started to clean up the hair that littered the floor. With a quick spell, the hair spiraled up into a miniature tornado and deposited the load of hair into a large wastebasket.

"You know, Flam, that gives me an idea!"

"You don't say? What is it, brother of mine?"

"Imagine if we could create a portable device that cycled air around to create suction. Then that suction could be used to clean a floor with more precision and less hassle than a normal broom."

Flam grinned wildly, "That's brilliant, Flim! What are we going to call it?"

"Well it's designed to clean and it utilizes a small vacuum inside of a container. How about we call it a 'vacuum cleaner?'"

"You've done it again, brother. Let's go to Canterlot and pitch the idea!"

The pair took off, leaving Snips slightly confused, but without the desire to clear up any of it. He had just finished putting away the razor when the bell over the door rang. He called out, "Welcome to Snips' Clips."

The stallion that entered was a grey earth pony with a spiky jet black mane. Three four leafed clovers served as his cutie mark. Snips called out, "Hiya, Lucky! What brings you hear?"

The chipper stallion returned Snips greeting and said, "Somepony dropped some bits outside by your shop, so I took the hint and figured I would get a manecut."

That was a typical occurrence for Lucky. As the luckiest stallion in Ponyville, everything the guy touched turned to gold. Metaphorically speaking, of course (A literal interpretation would just be ridiculous).

Wanting to shake the memory of Flim and Flam's story from his mind, Snips said, "Take a seat. So what's been going on in your life?"

"Oh, Snips! You are never going to guess what happened!"

Snips was well aware of the crazy things that tended to happen to the lucky pony. No doubt he happened to stumble on the winning lottery ticket again or win a date with some smoking hot celebrity, but Snips was willing to hear his story.

"Try me."

"Three days ago, I caught a ponychaun!"

"Pull the other three," Snips deadpanned.

"Seriously! A little tan pony about the size of your hoof with a bright orange mane, dressed in a green tailcoat, derby hat, and pointy boots."

"Sounds like a ponychaun alright."

"No fooling. I managed to catch it, and it granted me three wishes!"

Snips was now genuinely intrigued. If Lucky had been pulling his leg, then he would have given up by now. Apparently he was telling the truth, but that just brought up another question...What would the luckiest stallion in town even wish for?

Author's Note:

Longest chapter thus far. You may have also noticed that I had to change the rating to "teen." I didn't want to have anyone blowing up my inbox about the innuendos in this chapter. If you find them vulgar and distasteful, then I appreciate you sticking with me this long, but it's only going to get worse (although not by much, I refuse to write clop). For those of you who think a witty innuendo is right up your alley, you are my kind of people and you should stick around. More shenanigans to come!

This chapter was inspired by Weird Al's song "Amish Paradise." Of course, the opening segment can be attributed to Def Leppard's "Pour some Sugar on Me."

As always, like, favorite, and comment.

Comments

[Seether00]

Wait, how did the sisters end up in their bed? I get the feeling Flim and Flam were just tricked.

[AtomicMuffin]

3198606 That's the beauty of it. We don't know!

[Seether00]

3198638

Oh, guess that means PInkie did it.

[AtomicMuffin]

3198644 Stay tuned! You may be surprised.

[thewaffler]

What would the luckiest stallion in town even wish for?

_Christina Hendricks, Emma Stone and Mila Kunis.
_A never ending beer stein, 3 pounds of greatest dark chocolate in existence and to always have great teeth.
_Clothes that never wrinkle, batteries that last forever and a sugar substitute that doesn't taste like crap.
_ A sequel to Enslaved, Mega Man Legends 3 and a third season of The Big O.

I kinda felt bad for Flim and Flam. Oh well at least they invented the vacuum cleaner.

[The Great Derpsby]

You know what? This finally answers where Pinkie gets it.

The rest of her family is just as insane as she is.

[The Invincible]

Flim and Flam: Brilliant minds for business, pretty damn stupid when it comes to everything else. And just when I thought they were going to learn something. They had everything they wanted on that farm, and for some insanely convoluted reason, they threw it away. I refuse to believe that mares were lining up to go out with those two, even if Flam DOES have a fantastic mustache. And they were in place to take over the farm, being part of the family and all. They could've had their business in the end, and a whole lot more. Morons. Seriously.

Well, whatever. Those guys are gone, and hopefully they won't be coming back. Now I'm much more interested in this "Lucky" character. I've always believed that when luck is a crutch, it becomes a curse. Remember that there's good luck AND bad luck, and I feel that the "luckiest" stallion in Ponyville should have both. Then again, we're dealing with a ponychaun, not a genie. So, hopefully it'll be more on the good side.

Great work on this part of the story, really looking forward to what happens next.