Chapter 1: More to a Female
Chapter 1: More to a Female
The capital city of the Griffin Kingdom, Asgard, was still in the soft morning light. It was something Nelan had always enjoyed most about the city. The day was too early for the early risers, and too late for night owls. To Nelan it was the perfect time of day, when the whole world seemed to hold it’s breath and for once everything was at peace.
Closing his eyes Nelan could pretend the city was whole and complete, not the ravaged mess that it was. The war with Equestira had ended four or so months ago, but Asgard was still in ruins. The fighting had been terrible for both sides, but it had been the griffins that suffered the most. When the ponies had left, they left a broken city. The once mighty gates had been smashed open, laying the city bare to any who cared to enter. Most of the buildings had been severely damaged and no longer were suitable for use. Many buildings lacked walls and roofs, having been obliterated during the siege.
Nelan stood still with the world for a moment, letting the sun’s rays wash over him. He missed the countryside where reminders of the war were scarce, and it was moments like this that let him feel like he was, for a moment, back home at Barton Hollow. He’d been gone from home and his country for almost a decade. The war had been strenuous on his country, but the city was the hardest to look at. Even though Nelan had seen this sight upon his arrival a few days ago, it was still heart-rending to see the evidence of lives devastated, buildings turned to rubble.
Ruffling his inky feathers Nelan huffed. Drawing his mind back into the present he rapped his knuckles on an oaken doorway, the entrance to an estate. The estate itself had once belonged to an officer of King Alaric. After the failed war and the death of the officer, his sister, Eriviara, had commandeered the estate. Soundlessly the door swung open, revealing a large grey griffin. Nelan tried to not let Fata, his sister’s doorkeeper, intimidate him. He was Eriviara’s older brother, and couldn’t hurt her anymore than he could chop off his own wing, but that didn’t save him from Fata’s suspicious glower. Fata didn’t trust anyone, Nelan often wondered if Fata even trusted Eriviara. A moment passed between the two of them before Nelan spoke,
“Are you going to let me in?” he asked his tail flicking irritably.
“I’m not stopping you,” she replied through her thick accent, even as she remained in the doorway. Nelan paused for a moment before stepping forward to squeeze past into the stone building. Fata closed the door, nipping Nelan’s tail as he slipped by. “She’s meeting vith Lord Gallar. They’re in zee office.” Nelan nodded his head absently affirming that he’d heard and understood the message as he glanced about the foyer. The room was nothing extravagant. There were no wall hangings or golden statues. Nothing to flaunt her wealth, not that the family or Eriviara were terribly rich to begin with.
Nelan wandered through the mansion’s winding hallways to his sister’s office, his claws clicking on the stony floor, echoing off the empty halls. Glancing down hallways Nelan found Eriviara’s headquarters in Asgard were strangely empty. Each day there seemed to be fewer and fewer griffins traipsing the halls. At first Nelan had assumed the griffins were abandoning his sister. However, when pressed Eriviara had only answered Nelan with a, “Don’t worry about it.” Nelan shrugged at the memory, if Eriviara wasn’t concerned then Nelan didn’t see any point in worrying himself over it. Nelan’s mind drifted back to his current goal, as he turned a corner Eriviara’s office door came into view at the end of the long hall.
Nelan tried to keep his wings from twitching from irritability. He’d been in the capital for three days and while he’d managed to greet Eriviara they hadn’t had a moment to truly talk. Nelan had hoped he’d find a moment of free time in the early morning before Eriviara was called away to do...whatever it was that she did. He still hadn’t been able to ask her what was consuming so much of her time. That had been one of the questions he’d been hoping to ask. However, if Eriviara was dealing with a Lord then Nelan would likely get only a few minutes. Heaving a sigh Nelan resigned himself to taking what he could get.
As he approached the downstairs office, the door swung open, revealing a charcoal colored griffin besides Eriviara. The dark griffin could only be Lord Gallar.
Wow, he’s huge.
Nelan’s mind buzzed at the sight of the large griffin who towered over the two siblings. Gallar’s eyes flicked to Nelan for a moment before switching back to Eriviara.
“So we’re in agreement then?” Gallar asked Eriviara, his voice laced with contempt. The Lord had little patience for a female playing at war, but for the moment he played along. Heaving a sigh Eriviara waved the Lord out of her office.
“Yes, yes. I’ll make the arrangements.”
“Good,” grunted Gallar. “I can’t stand by and let these disgusting attacks against me go unpunished!” With a flurry the boisterous lord was gone, leaving Nelan alone with his sibling.
“Idiot,” mumbled Eriviara. Glancing down the hall Eriviara motioned for Nelan to join her, adding, “shut the door.” Doing as he was bid Nelan shut the heavy door before taking a moment to examine the room. It was, in all honesty, what he would have expected of his sister; efficient and simple. There wasn’t anything in the room that didn’t need to be there: a desk, two chairs, books, scattered papers, and maps. There were maps everywhere, three that he could see on Eriviara’s desk, another on the wall, the floor, dozens of maps rolled up in neat piles, and even more that were haphazardly thrown together.
“I see you still like to keep your eye on the world,” Nelan said as his gaze lingered on the world map laid out across the stone floor. Tiny notes were scribbled all over it with pins and string stretching from one point to another.
“Hmm? Oh, yes, it helps me organize things.” Glancing back at his sister Nelan found her scribbling on a scrap of paper.
“So, what was that about?” Nelan asked casually. He doubted his sister would tell him. She had always loved her secrets, but he figured it couldn’t hurt to ask. Much to his own surprise she answered.
“Oh, he’s pissed about nothing. Nothing new there,” she said shaking her head in disgust. “All he can think about is how much money this, conflict is costing him, and affecting his lofty ambitions.” Nelan blinked more than a little confused.
“Conflict? With whom?” The only conflict that came to mind was the disastrous war with Equestira and that had ended months ago.
“With ourselves,” Eriviara said heaving another sigh. “Ever since the Equestrians left with the parliament they installed and approved, the country has been politically frozen. You have the royalists, or loyalists as they call themselves, griffins wishing to reinstate a monarchy, on one side and on the other you have ‘parlies’, griffins demanding that we keep parliament. Both sides are at each other’s throats, both in parliament and out. There have been threats, bombings, assassinations, small firefights between loyalist and parlies, and other acts of terrorism. Each side is trying to cow the other into submission.”
Eriviara’s eyes flicked back to her desk and a loose stack of papers. Picking one up she scanned it before her eyes returned to her brother. “Here’s a report about a bombing last week, one killed and three others injured. The target was a bakery, not a politician or bureaucrat, a baker. He was targeted because he liked the idea that the country wasn’t ruled by the whim of a single griffin. He liked the idea of a parliament, so he was killed.” Eriviara let out a disgusted snort. “And here,” she said pulling out another report, “is one where a griffin wrote a letter to a friend in Learsi complaining about the lack of stability since the monarch was ousted at the end of the war. Unfortunately for him, the mail system isn’t private these days and his letter became public knowledge. He was shot four days later.”
Nelan stood motionless for a moment, letting the weight of his sister’s words set. Nelan hadn’t been in the kingdom long, and had yet to see the chaos his sister described. However, he didn’t doubt Eriviara’s words. All this conflict and death, because everyone wanted to run the nation their way, while griffins like Gallar were more upset with their shrinking wealth.
“So what specifically in the conflict is costing Gallar money?” Nelan asked hoping to get a better understanding of the situation.
“Many of his assets have been attacked and damaged, but the biggest loss to his wealth is the lack of trade with foreign nations. His wealth has always relied heavily on trade with other countries. However, since the end of the war the country hasn’t been stable...” Eriviara trailed off letting Nelan finish the thought himself.
“And without any stability even our closest allies wouldn’t wish to do business.” It was no wonder that Gallar was unhappy with the lack of stability. If his family's wealth came from what limited trade the kingdom could garner with foreign nations then Gallar would be looking at emptying coffers.
“So...why is he coming to you?” Nelan was certain Eriviara would berate him for suggesting that she couldn’t be of use to Gallar, Lord Gallar. However, what he hadn’t been expecting was his sister to crack a grin and laugh. It wasn’t a full belly laugh, just a light chuckle, but to Nelan she might as well have given a full throated guffaw. Eriviara had always been more reserved of the two of them. To hear her laughing now, even a fleeting chuckle, was uncommon.
“I guess you haven’t been keeping up with current events have you dear brother?”
“What are you talking about?” he asked slightly bemused. “I’ve been keeping abreast of everything while I was in Learsi.”
“Maybe you did as well as you could have,” a cocksure grin slowly began to grow on Eriviara’s face. “However, I think you’ll find that you missed a number of things. A number of important things.”
Nelan paused for a moment, his sister’s growing amusement causing him some wonder. He knew she was enjoying lording her knowledge over him while it lasted. He’d often done the same to her when they were hatchlings.
“Okay, okay I give,” he said admitting her triumph. “You know more than me. Will you now please tell me what you’ve got that has a lord making house calls?”
“Oh alright,” she said as she lorded her superiority over him. Nelan had forgotten just how competitive his sister could get. “Shortly before the war I left the Mistweavers to join the Gemiehe.” Eriviara held up a claw, cutting Nelan off before he could unleash a barrage of questions. “At the end of the war I took control of what remained of the organization and have rebuilt it. Gallar needs me.”
Nelan stared blankly at Eriviara as his mind caught up with his ears. The Gemiehe was the secret police of the Kingdom. For generations they had protected the monarchy and insured that no internal threat arose. When King Alaric was dethroned by the Equestrians Nelan had assumed that the group had either been disbanded or destroyed. Discovering that they were still in operation, and run by his sister no less, was bewildering.
“You? How...” Nelan’s beak open and closed it again. Eriviara sat back and delighted in watching Nelan try to comprehend how his sister had managed to become in charge of one of the key elements of the old monarchy. That Eriviara was female was troubling enough. The Gemiehe had been made of loyalists. Nelan doubted that any of the old royals would have considered allowing a female to do something so important or involved with conflict of any kind.
If the Gemiehe had been full of northerns or the griffins from Skyfall, Nelan could more easily believe that Eriviara was in charge. The Northerns came from the clan tradition, where matriarchal roles were accepted. However, deep sexism ran through the rest of the kingdom, and particularly in the Gemiehe. Eriviara’s news was mind boggling.
“I’ll answer your questions in time brother. Meanwhile there are other things that I must attend to. Our esteemed visitor, has demanded answers on the latest attack against him and now I must provide them.” Eriviara rolled her eyes and snorted in contempt. As if I didn't already have them. Not that Lord Gallar needs to know that-she thought. “While I’m attending to Gallar’s demands I need you to begin packing.”
“Packing?” Nelan took a step back in surprise. He had been here only a few days. He’d hoped to help restore the Royal Archives and library, and maybe do a little tinkering on the side.
“I’m relocating west and I don’t want you to remain in Asgard, especially now. It’s...” Eriviara paused, a flicker of concern flashed across her eyes. “It isn’t safe, especially for you.”
Nelan’s shock and disappointment gave way to a flood of warmth. Eriviara was still his sister. Ten years and she still protected him. “Where am I headed?” he asked accepting his fate. If Eriviara decided he was going to leave Asgard there wasn’t anything he could do about it.
Eriviara locked her eyes with Nelan’s own, her eyes glimmered and crinkled into a warm smile, “Barton Hollow. Home.”
* * * * *
“Prime Minister?” The voice drew Calack from his musings.
“Yes,” he asked, his normally chipper voice tempered with wear. Ever since the end of the war, life in the Griffin Kingdom had been tense and strained. However, the past few weeks had been the worst. Stability was decreasing at an alarming rate, and Calack’s fear that civil war would break out grew daily. “Yes,” he asked again finally turning his full attention to his secretary.
“Sir, I was told to tell you, ‘Queen to Queen side. Gates are barred.’ I assume that means something to you?” The young secretary promptly found himself the center of Calack’s full attention. The young griffin shifted uncomfortably under the elder’s gaze.
“You’re sure the message was, ‘Queen to Queen’s side?’ Not, ‘Queen to Rook?’”
“Umm, yeah.” The secretary shifted uncomfortably. “Uh, is it important sir?”
Prime Minister Calack studied his young secretary for a long moment, noting the earthy colors that the griffin sported. Trusting anyone these days was dangerous. Calack hated the paranoia that was engulfing the nation, that was invading him as well. However, it was necessary and unavoidable.
“You’re name is Cricket, correct?” Calack asked. His secretary flinched at the name.
“Yes, sir.”
“But you don’t like it?”
“No, sir.”
“Why not?” Calack leaned in clasping his front claws together, interested in Cricket’s answer. The youthful griffin looked up at Calack before glancing at the floor and mumbled something inaudible. “Speak up please. Answer me, not the floor.”
Blushing furiously Cricket raised his eyes to meet the Prime Minister’s own. “It’s a female’s name, sir.”
“Ah,” Calack leaned back in his chair. He’d expected the answer, sadly. Cricket wasn’t a common name to begin with, but it had been exclusively female. Calack studied his secretary for another drawn out moment. “What’s wrong with a feminine name?”
Cricket gazed up at Calack. The Prime Minister could only guess what his secretary was thinking; likely something close to, ‘is the Prime Minister senile?’
“Sir? It’s a griffinette’s name,” he said as if that explained everything. “Griffinettes are weaker, they can’t handle the things a griffin can. They’re egg pushers, nest tenders.”
Calack raised an eyebrow as he gently shook his heads. “I think you’ll soon find that there’s more to a female than being a nest tender.” Calack paused in thought. Glancing out a nearby window he was greeted to a spectacular view, the sky blushing, a new dawn, a new day, and a new world.
“Queen to Queen’s side?” Calack asked again.
“Uh, yes sir. It’s a chess piece right? Queen to Queen is referring to a chess match?” asked Cricket. The Prime Minister was silent for a moment before speaking again.
“I think you’ll find that there’s more to femininity than pushing eggs or tending nests. Someday you may find yourself encountering a Queen.”
* * * * *
The sun’s morning rays found Lord Gallar safe in his family’s age old aerie high above the city of Asgard. The city had been the pride of the Kingdom for generations, but not to Gallar. Griffins belonged in the cliffs high above the ‘ground crawlers’ below.
“Father,” a young voice called out to the aging griffin. Turning about Gallar found himself facing his youngest son. The fledgling griffin shifted nervously before the imposing griffin.
“Yes?” Gallar asked arching an eyebrow. “What is it Cathar?”
“I-I... er, nothing.” The nestling scampered away from the aerie’s edge and retreated further into the mountain side. Cathar was a strange child, thought Gallar. The child was far too small for his age, was far too timid, and to top it off Gallar was certain that Cathar was scared of heights! The idea was preposterous! What griffin was scared of heights!
Gallar snorted before putting thoughts of his youngest aside. He would deal with those issues late. Now he had more important issues to deal with. Gallar turned his gaze back towards Asgard as he waited impatiently for his servants to return. Once Gallar had left the Gemiehe’s HQ and the harpy that held their leash, he’d sent out a call to his own officers. Lady Eriviara was moving far too slowly, exactly what Gallar would expect of a female; too timid to take real action.
The moments ticked by slowly for Gallar, his eyes never leaving the capital city. Behind him he heard a faint scuffling as Cathar moved about the inner parts of the aerie, or maybe that was the maid. It didn’t matter to Gallar either way, so long as neither of them bothered him. Not that he expected the maid to do anything so foolish. She knew her place in life, and didn’t try to change what nature intended. Gallar’s thoughts were interrupted when he noticed a small pack of griffins flying toward his location.
“Finally,” he grunted. Despite his determination to move things along Gallar was forced to wait for several minutes longer for the griffins to reach the landing. With light thuds, half a dozen male griffins, landed around Lord Gallar. Each griffin wore a grey uniform with a golden braid running along their right fore claw. Folding their wings, each griffin turned their eyes to Gallar and bowed their heads respectfully.
“Is it time to make our move? I’m getting sick of dealing with the Gemiehe.” Gallar turned his head lazily to face the outspoken griffin.
“Not just yet Commander. Major Flint, do you have the reports I asked for?” Major Flint snapped a salute before striding forward. In one fluid motion he brought forward a small envelope.
“I do sire,” Major Flint’s voice reverberated softly just reaching Gallar’s ears. “The army has reformed into legions without incident. The Equestrian ‘disbanding’ of the royal army simply scattered the griffins. It was only a matter of regrouping. However, the army is as divided and split as the government below its unified surface. The army isn’t made up of loyalists as it once was.” Flint trailed off, his eyes swept the room untrusting. “And traitors are abound.”
“I suspected as much,” Gallar grunted. “Everyone is picking sides, and few seem to remember the meaning of honor.” Gallar tore the envelope open and began leafing through the reports. “Do you have anything else Major?”
“No sire.”
“Very well. Commander.” Gallar looked up from the papers to turn to face the griffin who’d called for action earlier.
“Yes, sire?” The griffin stepped forward, his attention locked on Gallar.
“It has come to my attention that your loyalties do not remain with me.” Two griffins flanking the young commander drew their side arms while the Commander’s eyes snapped wide in shock and fear. “While I appreciate that you brought your soldiers into the royal fold, I’m afraid I can’t ignore that you’ve also been feeding information to the Prime Minister.”
“W-what? L-Lord-”
“I don’t really care what you were offered or what your excuses are. You’ve become far more trouble than you’re worth. Commander, you’re relieved of command.” The two officers behind the unfortunate commander leapt forward, grasping the griffin by his wings. The Commander struggled, his muscles straining against his captors, but he remained firmly in place.
Gallar nodded to the officers on top of the griffin, sealing the Commander's fate. With a low growl the two griffins savagely twisted the Commander's wings. With a loud crack, both wings bent into unnatural angles. The young griffin screeched in pain as agony burned through his backside.
Satisfied that the traitors wings were thoroughly useless the two officers dragged him towards the aerie’s opening and to the gaping sky beyond. Realizing his fate the young officer struggled feebly against his captors. With a casual toss the two officer’s overcame the traitor's struggles and cast him into the sky.
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I like this! The writing is quite good, so far.
There are a lot of new characters to keep track of, though. I kept finding myself forgetting how they're related to each other, or what their shared history is. I'm not sure how you could better convey this, but maybe if, in some spots, instead of saying their name, you use "his sister" or "her old commander", or little things like that, to remind us how they know each other.
The other thing was that I found myself liking the first chapter a lot more than the prologue. I almost think it might work better without the prologue? If nothing else, maybe change some of the exclaimation points in the first few sentences into periods -- they felt odd.
So, yeah, I like the concept, and the cast, so far, and the writing is quite good!
3235907 Points taken, I'll be sure to try and keep it clear who's related to who as I go on and when I come back to for my final sweeps.
As for the sole purpose of the Prologue is simply to set the stage. Give the world it's basic back drop and set me up for my next chapters.
Thanks for the feedback and I hope I continue to deliver an enjoyable experience!
A very well-written side-story that could use a lot of cleaning up in the grammar and spacing department. I can help with that. Otherwise, the idea and writing itself is competent.
Silver out!
You know, I faved this when I was looking over it the first time... Guess it doesn't take unless it's published. Huh. Oh well, justice has been done now.
3363529 I think you mentioned not being able to favorite something until it's published after I sent the 2nd to last draft or so to you.
The going is slow, but I think I can get the readers something they'll enjoy.
I think you mean "out across on the floor."
I think you mean "what you've got".
I think you meant "Flint".
It's pretty cool seeing the aftermath of "The Griffon War" from the Griffon's perspective. All these multiple parties vying for power might give this a bit of a Game of Thrones vibe. Not that I know anything about Game of Thrones. I have neither read the books nor seen the TV show. I wonder how this will play out within the rest of the Skyfall series. Anyway, this looks promising, and I look forward to more of it coming up. Keep up the good work.
4762348 Thanks. I will be sure to fix those once I've taken care of Chapter 2. ^_^ I went through this pretty throughly before posting it, but it just goes to show why it's a good thing to have a lot of editors taking a look at your work.
As for the story itself I'm glad you've been enjoying it.
I'm hoping to get chapter 2 out before BronyCon and there shouldn't be any reason I can't do that. I'm simply slow when it comes to writing. I hadn't considered Game of Thrones when writing this, but that is an apt comparison. At least with the different factions. I've drawn a lot of inspiration from a lot of different things (both real life and fictional) so I wonder if you'll be able to see where I'm getting ideas as I continue!
Speaking of which I should probably get to Chap 2! I'm not letting another week slip!
4764567 The Russian Civil War!
4764958 I guess you'll just have to wait and see.
4764958 Oh-and I fixed the things you found. Thanks again.
4765105 You're welcome. It's what I do.
He would deal with those issues late.
He would deal with those issues later that day.