Find an editor. Conversely read this. thoroughly

"So this is what the inside of my head look's like," she thought to herself, "it's much warmer than I thought it would be." 

Create a new paragraph whenever a character speaks, or thinks.

Try not to make paragraphs too big etcetera etcetera

Strange sensations were dancing through Twilight's head.  Even considering that it was a dream it felt strange, felt being the keyword.  Perhaps this was the first time Twilight had ever been self-aware while dreaming.  Twilight gazed around at her surroundings, the whole area was dark blue and purple with spots of white above her, giving the appearance of a painted night sky.

Use some pronouns, or substitute "Twilight" for "the girl" or "the mage" it gets tiring reading the same word repeatedly.

1) Uh, the dialogue needs to be separated properly. every time someone new starts talking (or thinking), then you need to start a new paragraph.

Example: Twilight awoke in her bed, it was about 8 o'clock in the morning and light was pouring in through the window. "What a bizarre dream... and I wonder why it was so hot" (need a comma after hot) Twilight mumbled to herself. There was still some sweat lingering on her dark skin which she wiped with her pajama sleeve. "I guess I was just using too heavy of a blanket for summer-" (comma, not a dash thing. a dash is used for when the interruption takes the reader to another paragraph. otherwise, the dialogue just ends with a comma like normally)Twilight's thoughts were suddenly interrupted when she noticed a strange tightness at the front of her pajamas. Twilight quickly peered under her sheets only to see a 9" erection pitching a tent at the front of her pants. "GAH!" she cried out.

"Twilight!" (i would suggest using a ?! combo, to show that he is yelling a question.) yelled Spike from the kitchen.

Twilight could hear him dashing up the stairs, and by instinct she covered up her groin area with as much blanket as she could to hide her new attachment.

"Are you okay?!" shouted Spike as he burst through the door.

"O-Oh yeah, I just, uh, conked my noggin on the headboard when I woke up and it surprised me is all." (comma needed, not a period) responded Twilight.

"Is that it? Man you nearly gave me a heart attack."

"Sorry, by the way what are you doing up so early?" Twilight asked.

"Oh well I just thought I would make you some breakfast, seeing as it's your birthday and all."

Twilight went a little wide eyed at this comment, in all the excitement she had completely forgotten that it was her birthday. "Aww, that's so sweet of you, just let me get changed and use the bathroom and I'll be right down."

"Well I was just going to give you breakfast in bed" Spike said with a big smile.

"No! I mean, I uh, don't want to get the bed messy is all so I'll just eat at the table."

"Well fine, just come down soon so it doesn't get cold." (comma, not period) said Spike just before he returned to the kitchen.

2) There could stand to be some more description and inner dialogue. you know, so that the paragraphs aren't just a few sentences all the time. Every once and a while, or when it's just back and forth dialogue, with no inner thoughts, is fine, but having it done all the time is just bad writing.

Example: Twilight didn't waste a moment, she grabbed a change of clothes and hurried into the bathroom. She made sure the door was locked and the blinds were closed before finally dropping her pants to inspect herself. Twilight sighed in dejection. Her erection hadn't gone down at all. In fact, it was still going strong, even after almost getting exposed. 'Oh man oh man what happened? What am I going to do?!' she thought to herself, (period, not comma) 'okay,' she thought to herself, 'I just need to analyze the situation.' She hesitantly reached down and touched her penis. The first thing she noticed about her new appendage was that it was above averagely long. she also noted that it was a good inch and a half, to two inches thick, if she had to guess. It was surprisingly sensitive, and sent a chill up her spine as soon as her hand made contact with it. To sum it up, It was long, thick, dark, and intimidating. in fact, Twilight even heard it roar! Well, that actually came from a bobcat that was being transported to Fluttershy's house at that moment, but that's beside the point.

Note: the red is what I added for the example. the brown is the original writing, and the purple is notes.

3) When you switch locations in the story, like the small part with celestias mail, you should use something to show that you'r switching locations. it's also used for time lapses, switching view points to another character, etc.

Example: Princess Celestia was very confused about why her star pupil would send her two uncooked eggs, a piece of bread, and a glass of milk but she was far too busy to question it.

instead of this, i'd suggest something along these lines.

"Sorry it's not much. When I started we only had three eggs, and I tried to cook two of them with my fire breath and well..." Spike trailed off at the end of his sentence.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in Canterlot, Celestia sits at her desk in her room, puzzling over why her most faithful student had just sent her two uncooked eggs, a piece of bread, and a glass of milk. She gives the situation some thought, before ultimately dismisses it as twilight being twilight, and returning to the mountainous pile of paperwork in front of her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh uh, it's fine don't worry about it" responded Twilight.

4) Also, i'd suggest using italics and the single tic marks ('example') when someone has thoughts inside their head.

Example: Strange sensations were dancing through Twilight's head. Even considering that it was a dream it felt strange, felt being the keyword. Perhaps this was the first time Twilight had ever been self-aware while dreaming. Twilight gazed around at her surroundings, the whole area was dark blue and purple with spots of white above her, giving the appearance of a painted night sky. 'So this is what the inside of my head look's like,' she thought to herself, ' (highlighted red because you used a comma when a period would have been more appropriate) it's (not capitalized) much warmer than I thought it would be.' Not only was it warm, it was getting warmer, so warm in fact that a sweat began to form at Twilight's brow. At that point a ball of light began to form at Twilight's crotch, a very hot ball of light. 'What is this!? I-I can't...!'

I'm not saying the story was bad! I'm actually very interested to see where all this will go. But all of this will help so that it isn't all scrunched together like it is. It'll also help with the flow of the story, making it easier for people to keep track of whats going on and where the story is. i'd even be willing to be an editor, but i'm not sure how one goes about that, or if you even have one already.

As a fan of da Futa-Twi...I'm intrigued...but you may wanna clean this up, dood.

Thanks for all the feedback, I really appreciate it. I'll make some edits to the formatting and various other things when I get the chance.

3090168 actually it is gramatically correct to use the characters name whenever you refer to them except for descriptions. There's even a name for when you do what you said on this site. It's called lavender unicorn syndrome.

3091420 if you use it excessively yes, but I like to have three different variations on a character and just cycle through them. The character's name is always the first when rolling the cycle over, or changing character.

3091227 JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST.... it's the Tyrant Overlord, dood... when did you become a brony...your evilness, dood?

3091025 I appreciate the offer to be an editor for me, but I think for now I would like to just edit for myself. Mostly because I want to get experience with this sort of thing on my own, so the most I will ask is that you keep giving me advice like you just did. That way, pretty soon I won't even need an editor! Thanks again.

3092161 welp, if you need advice or have questions about how to write, i'm just a message away.