An Agent of Chaos

by AleneShazam

2. Induction

My head hurt. I felt like a steamroller just went over my skull, my crushed skull pulled apart, the pieces ground down into powder, the powder boiled into a soup with my poor battered brain, and the soup forced into my gullet with a long wooden spoon. Hang on. A spoon WAS being forced down my gullet.

My eyes flew open and I gagged, grabbing the wooden spoon and quickly pulling it out. I coughed as my body tried to deal with the sudden intrusion of my throat. As I recovered, I quickly scanned the surrounding room, taking note of several things. The walls were made of stone bricks, obviously melded together by some sort of cement. The door was made of metal. There was light, but without a source. And I was lying on...

SWEET JESUS. What am I lying on?! It was a bed, but with a bright pink cover. And on it were little... ponies? Little pastel ponies lined the bedcover. I wouldn’t be surprised if this bed belonged to a little girl. The colors sure looked the part. The bed, with all its pastel colors and ponies, did not fit in with the strange, glowing stone room.

“Excuse me?” I asked. If I was trapped in this room, perhaps there would be a listening device or something. “Can anyone hear me?” There was silence. “...Yeah, okay.” I walked over to the door, and tried pushing it open. It wouldn’t budge. I sighed, and kicked it as hard as I could. The metal crumpled on impact, and fell flat on the floor. I gaped in surprise. “Since when did I...?” Never mind. Probably just shoddy workmanship. The bricks the door was attached to was also completely busted... was it also shoddy workmanship? “Hello?”

Beyond the crumpled door was another room. Made of more bricks. With another metal door. The only difference it had from the room I was in was that there was no bed. I walked inside, this time combing the walls and floor for bugs. The electronic kind, I mean. There were a couple of the biological kinds, mostly ants. I sighed, walking over to the door. And slammed my foot into it. As before, I left a shoe shaped indent in the metal, down to the grooves in my sole. And beyond it was... another room.

Ten rooms and ten kicked down doors later, I came across the final room. I call it the ‘woah dude, I’m on crack’ room. The walls were constantly shifting colors, twisting and turning in a extremely hypnotic and mesmerizing fashion. I found myself staring at it for a few seconds more than I had to, and tore myself from the gaze. The ceiling was made of clouds. Pink clouds. I reached my hand up, poking at the layer of pink fluffy clouds. And pulled some of it down. I licked it. Cotton candy! It was a ceiling of cotton candy! Whoever did it is either a genius, or just plain dumb. I could escape, theoretically, but that would mean getting completely coated in cotton candy, which sucked. Or I could continue bashing down doors. I went for the doors.

Another long while of door kicking. I tried punching too, after seeing how (relatively) effortless it was to kick them down. Surprisingly, my fist left a dent as well, even if the door mostly held. I had to kick it down anyway. I must’ve walked at least two kilometers nonstop, which was strange considering I didn’t feel stressed in the least. My body just felt lighter in general, compared to normal. So I’m some sort of superhuman now, with super strength. Weird, since I had wanted to be a superhero since... like, ever.

More kicking. It had to be at least more than a hundred rooms since the crack room. I stopped for a short rest, then moving to kick down the door. I paused before the door, having a sudden brainwave. I turned to the left wall, and kicked as hard as I could.

There was a cloud of dust as the grey stone bricks exploded, obscuring my vision. At least I knew that there was a cavity behind the bricks. When the dust settled, I peered inside the empty space. It was a small cave, just enough for me to touch the ceiling. Again, it had a sourceless light, something I hope to figure out soon. And placed smack bang in the center of the small enclave was a statue.

The statue itself was made of grey stone, similar to the walls of the previous rooms. The subject of the statue was... strange. It was reminded me of a Chinese dragon. It had two horns, one shaped like an antler and one which was curly like a gazelle’s or something. Its body was long and elongated, with a clearly divide between neck and body. Its left arm was eagle-like, ending with a taloned hand. Its right arm was that of a large cat, perhaps a lion or a cougar. It had a serpentine left leg, and a hoofed right leg. In conclusion, it looked really weird. Like, REALLY weird.

I sat down, and stared at the statue for a while. It was nice to have something to look at that wasn’t grey stone and metal door. Well, the statue was grey stone. But it at least it wasn’t a wall. Then I kicked the statue in where I assumed where the nuts would be.

“OUCH. OW. OW. OW.” The statue came to life, clutching his groin and moaning loudly. Judging by the voice, I’d say that it’s a he. “Ah, that was pain in the purest sense.” He recovered quickly enough, and was grinning at me. “Well! That was interesting. Nice to meet you.” He took a bow, somehow bowing through his crotch and completing a full 360º spin.

“...Who are you?” I asked, apprehensive at this strange dragon-thing that could shift through his junk.

“My name is Discord.” He flashed me a wide smile. “And just for that, I like you!” He ruffled my hair.

“For what?” I asked.

“For asking who am I, instead of what am I!” He said. “Shows you have respect! But then, I have no respect. Hah!” He cackled. “And, for your information, I am a draconequus, a being of immense power!” He pointed at me. “I brought you here. And this infinite line of rooms.” Huh. So I would have been stuck kicking down doorways. Cool.

“...Where am I, anyway?” I asked. “With beings like you, it sure as hell isn’t my own.”

“Ah, straight to the point!” Discord bent down. “See, I need a servant. Well, more like partner in crime, but servant is also fine. So I summoned the most dangerous creature in the multiverse.” He peered at me. “You don’t look too dangerous to me.” I punched him in the face, sending him flying backwards. He smashed into the cave wall, his face completely bashed in.

“I’m dangerous.” I said simply. His face popped back into shape and he grinned.

“Right. You’re dangerous. But not to me!” He laughed and snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. “Uh. That was supposed to happen!” He smiled nervously and snapped his fingers again. Still nothing. “Okay, I’ll come clean. That was supposed to make you my eternal slave forever, but since that didn’t work, I guess I’ll just have to ask.” He clapped his hands and he appeared inside a suit. “Will you work for me?”

I paused. “You’re a being of unlimited power whose power doesn’t work on me. What’s stopping me from forcing you into working for me?” He smirked.

“Because I can still kill you.” He waved a hand, and the cave started shrinking. I held fast, until the point where I would be crushed to death when I sighed.

“Fine. FINE. I’ll be your damned follower.” The cave snapped back to original size. He smiled and gave me a hug, which was awkward.

“I don’t even know your name! What’s your name?” Discord asked, floating in mid air. “Bob? John? Daenerys Targaryen?”

“You can call me Nevermore.” Yes, I know I’m referencing Edgar Alan Poe. It sounds cool. “It’s not my real name, but I don’t tell anyone that.” Except for everyone back in my own world.

“So, Nevermore. You be my lackey, and I’ll guarantee you that you won’t die of anything beyond natural causes. So that’s just old age to worry about.” He smiled and held out his hand. I hesitated for a moment, before shaking it reluctantly. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t want invincibility. I just don’t like giving control of myself to someone else. Hell, my mother couldn’t get me to take a bath when I was three, and I was a rebel since.

“Cool. Now, do I get payment?” I asked, grinning. The grin was quickly wiped off my face when a stack of gold coins fell onto my lap. “Is this.. real gold?”

“No. I could make them real gold, though!” The pile suddenly turned much heavier.

“Do you have dollars?” I asked. Hey, who knows, I might get back to my old world. He sighed, and the gold turned into cold, hard cash. In the thousands. “Nice.”

“You realize you’re never getting back, right?” Fuck. Fuck you too, Discord. “...If it makes you any happier, I’ll gift you some of my power later. If you’re a good boy.” Yeah, definitely. I’d screw you in the ass with a watermelon. “Fine. I hold you here for fifty years, and if you don’t die by then, you’re free to leave.”

“Why the change of heart, Discord?” I asked, mockingly. I hated his guts already, and we had met for barely 10 minutes. He got on my nerves.

“I’m a spirit of chaos. Not evil. You want evil, go to that Sombra fellow.” He laughed. “I don’t want to cause pain, silly. I just want to entertain myself. And gods be darned if I treat my own employees poorly. The boss will fire me!” He waved his hand dramatically. “...This is the part when you comfort me.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Trust me, Discord. No normal boss would fire someone simply for treating his underlings bad.” Oh the memories. “I should know. I’ve been under quite a few douche bags myself.” At least I’ll leave a rich man. “So, Discord.” I said his name with as much venom as I could muster. “I don’t know anything about this world. Enlighten me.”

He pressed a finger to my forehead, and my brain just fucked itself. If this was what computers felt when a usb is plugged into it, I’m never subjecting a computer to such pains ever again. My head felt like it was going to split, as every bit of information that Discord thought I should know about the land flowed into my head. Fuck, I knew more about this place than I knew about home. Am I going local? I’m going local aren’t I. Oh fuck me. “There. enlightened.” Discord smiled smugly.

“Thank you.” I said, politely. I won’t give him the satisfaction. Fuck you Discord. “Wait. If you power doesn’t work on me, how did you...?”

“You gave me consent.” He shrugged. “Now, do you want some cake? I made some cake!” He snapped his fingers and a cake fell on top of me. I licked the icing.

“Yum. I am so happy right now.” I said, flatly. “Now get it off.”

He pouted. He actually pouted. “Spoilsport. You’re no fun. Well, now that you know of the local environment, I’d like to give you your first assignment.” Already? Well someone’s a fucking slavedriver. “Your job is to infiltrate pony society. Blend in. See what you can find out on the boring side of things.”

“...I’m not a pony. I can’t blend in.” I said. “Genius.” He looked hurt.

“Again, spoilsport. You ruin all the good stuff.” Discord muttered, before slapping on a very fake smile. “Well! Obviously I didn’t mean blend in as in that! I meant for you to be accepted by their community. Maybe even gain a high rank!” He grinned. “Before I send you off, here’s what I’ll allow you to take. A full understanding of Equestria, but it will be inaccessible until three months of your integration. A basic understanding of Equestria in general on the boot, but not too much. Your knowledge of the human world. Your natural strength. And, a little gift from me, fighting prowess I picked up over the millennium.” Wait, he’s sending me now? “I won’t be send you now, of course. I’ll want you to meet the family, first!” Fucking mind reader.

“...The family? I don’t recall being in your family.” I muttered.

“Ah, but all my operatives are one big family!” He grinned. He did that a lot. “Come now, you’re part of the team!” He tapped the cave wall, which opened like those cheap ass spy movies.

“Cliché.” I noted.

“Ah, but sometimes clichés are the most fun!” Discord cackled. “Miss Anders! I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.” He said in a freakishly accurate Bond imitation.

“The man with the golden gun?” He nodded happily. “How do you even... you know what? Never mind.” At that Discord stared pointedly at me.

“I can drag beings through the fabrics of time and space with little or no effort. I can shatter physics and create black holes without even trying. Surely I can watch otherworldly movies.” He stared at me like it was obvious. “I have a widescreen plasma TV, only one in Equestria. Want to see it?”

“I don’t watch TV that much.”

“I also have a super computer devoted to gaming. And internet strong enough to penetrate the dimensions.” I perked up. “I can get you infinite WoW access.”

“Take me to my new home!” He smiled and hooked an arm around me, leading me through a myriad of tunnels and pathways. Without him as a guide, most beings would have gotten lost within minutes. Discord must be either half mole, or really familiar with the terrain. “Discord, are you half mole?” I asked, somewhat stupidly. “Cause navigating this crap is neigh impossible. Shit. Nigh impossible.” Fuck I’m going local.

“Hah. Beings going local have a special place in Hell, right next to the Canadians.” I snorted before noticing the insult. “No offense if you’re Canadian. Cause then that’s just sad.” Wow. Way to go, Discord. “Am I doing this right? Your homeland’s humor is new to me.”

“You’re doing well, for an outsider.” I said. “But try not to use the same branch of jokes twice. Unless it’s a pun, then really you deserve a punch.” Ha ha ha. “That’s how comedy back home is.”

“Puns, eh?” Discord scratched his chin.

“Don’t even think about it. Puns are right down there, next to lame practical jokes and sarcasm.” I said. “Are we there yet?”

He snapped his fingers, and we teleported into a... well, a very normal room. There were shelves of books, some about quantum theory, others were... triple X in nature. There was a totally kickass gaming rig sitting on a table, which was placed in a corner. There was a bed, with... the bed cover from home? Cool. There was a wardrobe which contained all my clothes, and a cupboard with everything else I had organized in boxes.

“Personally, I hate order, but I know you like things tidy, so I did this, just for you.” He fluttered his nonexistent eyelashes. I’m so fucking grateful right now. And HOLY SHIT. Was that a full scale copy of Frostmourne I spy hanging off from a wall? “Fully functional.” I blanched. “With all the magic and everything.”

“...Now all I need is the Lich King armor, and I’m off to ComicCon.” I said, reaching out to grab the sword. I grabbed it, and instantly felt power surging through my body. OH YEAH! That felt good. I spun around, and slashed Discord right down the middle. Yeah, retribution, baby! Of course, he recovered in a blink, but that was cool. Frostmourne is one hell of a sexy sword.
“I can get them for you, if you want. The Warcraft universe is three universes to the left of us.” My jaw dropped. Holy shit. “I’m on first name basis with Illidan. I could get you his glaives if you want, if only for a while.”

“Guy, Discord, Dad, whatever, I’m wanting an extra clause to my employment contract.” I stared hungrily at him. “I get to go to any universe I want.”

“Except for your own, and you can’t stay forever.” Discord added. “And you call me Dad. It feels good.”

“Done deal... Dad.” I smiled. Oh, multiverse, you won’t know what hit you. “Now... about that Lich King armor.”

“I’ll have it delivered to you within the next week.” He morphed into a FedEx deliveries guy. “Thank you for using Discord Deliveries, and we hope we see you again.” He cackled and snapped his fingers. “It takes time to breach dimensional walls, see.”

“And you were talking about your... other operatives?” I said, checking out the insane gaming deck. Dude this was mad stuff. It had all the hot games. Call of Duty. Skyrim. And holy shit they have Minecraft here. Oh shit. There was this sweet ass headset, too. And... oh. Oh. Oh my god. They have the Occulus Rift. Aw shit yeah.

“Oh yes. Time to meet the others, Nevermore.” He glided over to a wall, and a door just materialized out of nowhere. “This way!” He phased straight through the door, leaving me to hurry and catch up with him. The door led to a large sitting room like area, where Discord was speaking to three beings. Two of them I recognized as ponies, thanks to the new knowledge Discord granted me. The other... was shadow. Literally, he was a bipedal being made of shadow. It was a disturbing sight.

“Meet Screwball, my special little girl.” Discord smiled proudly. “I made her, you know. From the ground up. She’s a master of chaos magic, although not nearly as good as I am. She’s getting better, though. She’s already capable of holding off one of the Princesses, if need be.” Screwball grinned maniacally and raised a lightning laced hoof. “He’s immune to my magic, and probably all forms of magic too, dear.” She lowered her hoof, saddened. The lightning flickered out pathetically.

Then she brightened and launched the lightning bolt anyway. I leapt backwards and literally swatted the lightning away. “Bitch yo should listen to yo daddy.” I said, angrily. Screwball looked genuinely stunned that I could bat her magic away just like that. She beckoned at Discord, and whispered something in his ear.

“Relax, darkling. He’s about as magical as the fly next you. Oh wait, is that Burt? Never mind. But yes. He can’t hurt me as much as you might be able to.” Discord smiled. Oh, Screwball. Paranoid already.

“This is Screwloose. She used to be a crazy dog lady, but she... changed her mind. Now she’s the sane part of our little team. She coordinates our efforts, but can occasionally go feral if the situation arises.” Discord patted her on the head, much to the displeasure of Screwloose.

“And this is... Thorn. Our infiltration and assassination expert. If Screwball is the bomb, then he is the dagger. You want someone dead in a quiet fashion? Get him to do it. You want to get to the most secure facility in the world? Get him to do it. He can use the very environment around him, and twist the world to his whim. He is not magical, at least not his abilities, save for one. But he is the only being that has ever even come close to beating me, so respect that dude.”

Thorn gazed at me with his single red eye. I stared at him curiously, before lashing out with a quick kick which he blocked expertly. Twisting my body, I struck out with my other leg, swinging it around in a powerful spin. He blocked that as well, and smacked me with one of his own strikes. I was sent crashing into the floor, and I probably broke a bone or two, too. Jawbone, I think.

“...You have potential.” Holy shit. Thorn’s voice was deep, guttural, and grating, the kind of voice you’d think evil would have if evil had a body. “I will... train you. You will... be strong.” His sole eye burned with barely concealed fury. “Then... we will destroy... the trickster... who has bound me... to this form... Just as... he has... bound you... to this plane.”

Discord laughed. “You couldn’t kill me if you tried! Even I tried killing me! And I can do anything!” He conjured up a glass of chocolate milk, just to prove his point. “Even the pony princesses had their go at me! And they had the Elements of Harmony!”

“Almost Impossible... Almost...” The darkness that shaped him suddenly shifted, forming an enormous scythe-hand. “There will... come a time... when you are... outclassed...” Then he sighed jarringly, and the scythe faded. “But it will not be today...”

“Good Thorn. Now, you, my dear Nevermore, will be our tank. You’re the first on the battlefield and the last to leave. You cannot die, but two of our number can,” He gestured at the two ponies. “You job is to drag along as many enemies as possible, clearing a path for vulnerable.” He stared at me, still pancaked to the floor. “...after you recover.” He took a pump and stuffed it in my mouth. I was about to protest when he pumped actually pumped air into me, somehow inflating me in the process. Because in this crazy world, physics takes the sideline. Another thing Discord taught me.

Once I was sufficiently pumped and ready to go (ahaha), Discord led me on a trip across the facility. It was a myriad of hallways, rooms, and chambers, sometimes all three at once. There was a swimming pool, a gym room, a sparring arena, some sort of wizards den, a computer-slash-magic operated kitchen, and a torturing chamber. Any evil villain HQ has to have a torture chamber.

Apparently, even with my somehow enhanced strength, I still get tired just the same, because after the tour ended, I returned to my room and almost immediately passed out afterwards.

“You need to be fast.” My blade hissed as it passed through Thorn’s intangible body. His clawed hand slashed my face, unable to break my unnaturally strong skin. Apparently Earth’s Gravity is much stronger than here. I can jump higher, punch harder, and run faster than most things. I’m also nigh invulnerable. Something about Earth’s air being one of the most acidic in the multiverse.

“Faster!” I slashed and stabbed, following with a strong kick to the face. Thorn simply dodged the sword and blocked the kick. But he stumbled from the force of my kick, and I kicked him again, knocking him to the floor.

“Good. You can aim now.” Thorn said, standing again. Turns out he could speak normally, but he didn’t like to. It was by my request that he did. So now I’m his protégée, and we’ll destroy Discord when we are ready. Apparently he’s this ancient spirit from a bygone era, forced into his current form by Discord. “And wipe that smug smile off your face. You realize that at my current full power, you wouldn’t last five seconds.”

“Yeah, I remember.” I sighed, and drew my sword. It’s been a month since I’ve been here, at least by my standards. Time stops in this weird little base thing.

Thorn morphed his claws into talons. Apparently he would make it harder and harder, until he starts bringing in multiple weapons and ultimately his full arsenal. “Ready when you are.”

He launched himself at me, his talons raking at my skin and clothes. I swung my sword, scattering his form, before delivering a devastating uppercut to his reformed body. That’s the quirk with Thorn. He’s intangible for the most part, yet still able to deliver damage. When he’s hit in this state, he scatters, before reforming with a split second of solidity in which I can hit him.
He was sent careening, but righted himself at the last second. “Nice... but still too slow, and not precise enough.” And just to prove his point he pelted me with lightning fast blows to multiple strategic locations, leaving me winded, unable to move a muscle, and trying not to hurl.

“Okay.” I gasped, shaking on the floor. “I got this.” I struggled to my feet, before falling over again. The process repeated itself several times. He sighed and plucked me off from the floor.

“Pathetic.” He snorted. “If it weren’t that I need you to take down the Trickster, I wouldn’t train you this... way...” He paused, his eye flickering. When he was thinking, he does that. “...Nevermore. What if I transferred my knowledge of fighting to you, similar to how the Trickster gave you his knowledge of Ponyland?” I couldn’t help but grin at his nickname for Equestria.

“Why are you so hesitant?” I asked, already suspecting what the answer would be.

“The Trickster.” Called it. “Fearful of my power, I suppose.”

“Hmm. Oh, and why can’t I use Frostmourne? I probably could beat you if I had it.” I remembered the powers I had when I held Frostmourne in my hands. It’s a lot like drugs. You get really high, but then you go evil.

“Arthas was a great fighter by the time he got Frostmourne. In your hands, the blade would be wasted.” Yeah fuck you too, Thorn. And just for that, I’ll waste all your time by learning the hard way. “...I see your resolve. Let us continue.” He sighed, and slashed me across the face. I grimaced, grabbing him, and stabbed the sword into his flesh. He didn’t even flinch, and teleported a few steps back into sword-less area.

“That hurt. Good job.” He phased out of the blade and crossed his shadowy arms. “Another three months or so and you’ll be fighting me not as mentor to apprentice, but as equals.” His eye turned yellow temporarily, which was his way of smiling. “You will make for an excellent warrior.”

We were having a moment of just pure bro to bro silence, when Screwball burst into the room. “Daddy’s calling, Nev.” I hate it when she calls me that. “Mission time.” Oh even fucking better.

I followed Screwball to the Mission Room, where Discord was wearing a full military suit. “Agent Nevermore. Your time has come. Your mission is to infiltrate the Equestrian society, gain rank, and gather intel. I will remotely check on your progress.” He drew himself to his full height, plus a few feet via magic. “I won’t bother to tell you what you’ll get to bring, since you’ll know anyway. But one thing I want you to know is to be careful... and beware of Pinkie.” He shuddered. “There is more to that mare. Much, much more.” He snapped his fingers.

I fainted.

Author's Note:

Rushed, I know, but I'm bad at writing. Please, I be needin the help.

Comments

[Blazing Shadow]

i gave tha first like, this is my judgement! oh holy writer!

[Blue dragon 116]

good story holds great promise

[AleneShazam]

3077787
Good comments also hold great promise for better future content!

[phallus of malice]

The only problem I had with this story is that the begining paragraphs seemed a little boring and slow. But you got your shit together and made some likable characters with an intreaging story, as well as going at a resonable speed. You sir, get a favorite.

[Nightmare Daniell61]

3077791

Muffin oh im a mufffin oh how i love this story i just eat it up!