> An Agent of Chaos
>  by AleneShazam
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1. Prologue
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you prepared for what lies ahead of you?” Asked the white elderly unicorn. I sighed internally. Of course I am. Why else would I be standing before him now? I had placed my bets years ago, and I lost. Such is the nature of gambling. You win, you come clean, and more often than not, richer in some sense. You lose, and the consequences are clearly set. For my bet, the consequences were severe. Very severe.

“I am.” I answered honestly. I have nothing left to fight for, and there is nothing left for me in this world. For once in my entire existence, I was alone. Alone, without my sister beside me, this time forever. We had a little falling out a while back. She had put up with my ‘pompous, assuming, stuck up attitude’. I told her to stop being a little bitch and suck it up. Now, I’m not much for swearing, but really, even the most cultured and civilized degrade into barbarism when their most trusted life companion abandons them. She had called me a good many names, ‘good-for-nothing ass wiper’ being one of the bunch.

Naturally, we went our separate ways, her exit a bit more forceful than mine. But still, we were both traumatized by our little spat, and the loneliness definitely got to us both. I became a psychopath obsessed with maintaining my illusion of a world, the world as it appeared before we split. It was a beautiful world, at least for me. I lived in seclusion after that, planning to spend my days as a hermit. But fate, as it seemed, threw me a curve ball, and sent a project my way. Realizing that completing this project was far more important than moping, I slapped post-traumatic depression in the proverbial face and carried out the machinations of destiny.

I was almost done, literally -this- close to completing, when my sister returned. I was pissed beyond belief. First she abandoned me, leaving me to stew in this hellhole of a world. She didn’t even bother to write! Now, when she came back, I was shocked to see who she became. She had changed from a whiny little bitch to a fully fledged, mature young lady. And I was jealous. Who was she to become so lovable when I was wallowing in the illusion of my perfect little world? So, using the near completed project I created, I attempted to force her back into submission. Of course, it backfired, sort of, and we made up shortly afterwards. And the project? I left it to bite the dust.

And then, I was happy. I was reunited with my long lost sibling. I was surrounded by loving family and friends. I was doing the job of my dreams. Nothing could have been better.

“Excuse me, but there is no time to waste.” The pony said to me. I sighed and followed him. After all, I’m not in control of this entire situation. I was used to being in control of my own fate, blazing my own trail in the woods of destiny. It seems that the ability has deserted me as of late.

We were walking down a white hallway. It was too white, as a matter of fact. Too pristine. Too clean. Back when I had my own abode, I would paint the walls a light cream color. It just made the place seem that much homier. These walls were too unnatural. Designed to unnerve whoever was walking though it, no doubt. Well it won’t work. I held my head high, to signify that they have failed to break my will.

We stopped at a room that was slightly less... strong, in its decor. It was a simple wooden room, with a chair and an altar. The elderly pony walked up to the altar and flipped open a book lying there. “Now, I will give you your final rites, and we will proceed. Understand?” Oh hell no. Of all the things they had to give me, this was it? “In the name of the two sisters, they who art exalted in all ways...” Of all the things, they gave me a lecture on the two sisters? Do those fools even realize who I am? But perhaps this is yet another attempt to shatter my will. Yes, that must be it. By subjecting me to such warped holiness, they try to besiege my mind’s walls. Well, it’s not working! I toned out the sermon and stare blankly at the white pony’s face.

“Prisoner.” I ignored him, drowning him out with mental noise. 

“Prisoner.” I resolutely looked away from him, albeit somewhat childishly.

“The sermon is over.” He said, sighing. My ears perked up and I smiled. Finally. “Come along now. I hope you understand what this final segment means?” I nodded. End of the line, obviously.  I’m childish, not stupid. And I’m not naive enough to believe that I would luck out somehow and miraculously get spirited away by some powerful force of beyond.

“Q’lar makan tesh’ub, Doflar er’er fabu.” I muttered in Ancient Equestrian. It meant ‘You can take my body but you will never take my soul.’, but actually is better fit to ‘Fuck you I’m never giving up.’ The elderly pony raised his eyebrows, obviously not understanding what I said. Few ponies understand Ancient Equestrian nowadays. “It means I’m ready, you foolish old pony.” I said, scathingly. He frowned but did nothing else otherwise.

He marched me straight through a throne room. I nearly jumped out of my skin. I knew that throne room. Its official name was The Thrones of the Two Sisters. Although for a great thousand years it was occupied by only one of the divine sisters. With a pang in my heart I noticed how rundown the place looked. It was the relic of an bygone era. The once grand stained glass windows were smashed down, the red carpet torn and rugged, and the white tiles were stained with soot and ash. Gone was its royal grandeur. It looked like some rundown hovel which might have once been a decent hotel, instead of a throne room.

We passed through the throne room and and stopped at a balcony overlooking the entire city of Canterlot. Or what’s left of it. Not much left standing after the siege. A grand dragon lay on the half crushed ruins of the Wonderbolt racing course stands, eyeing me curiously. Dragon whelps milled around the ground and in the air, doing whatever it is that dragons do. There were griffons too, blending into the tapestry of chaos and destruction. There was also the entrance to a changeling hive, shown by the green webbing and the two burly changelings standing at attention.

This was the perfect mixed race society, formed from the collapse of another kingdom - a phoenix, risen from the death of Equestria. “See. Ponies prevented this - a land where species does not matter, only their agenda.” I turned to face the newcomer.

“...You.” I glared at the floating winged being. “I trusted you with my life. I gave you everything. You were nothing without me.” He chuckled, before landing and standing next to be. “Now you have me. Do what you must.” He gazed into my eyes, and, finding steel like resolve, nodded.

“Very well.” He floated upwards once again. “This is your execution, a process I’m sure you’re familiar with.” He smiled sadly. “It will be painful, that’s for sure. I’m sorry this has to happen. I truly am. But... all things come to an end, I suppose.” He lifted a giant sword that simply materialized in his hands. “Any last words?” He hefted his blade.

I stared him in the eyes. “...My name is Celestia, the last pony. And I will not go down without a fight.” My horn started glowing.
> 2. Induction
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 My head hurt. I felt like a steamroller just went over my skull, my crushed skull pulled apart, the pieces ground down into powder, the powder boiled into a soup with my poor battered brain, and the soup forced into my gullet with a long wooden spoon. Hang on. A spoon WAS being forced down my gullet.

My eyes flew open and I gagged, grabbing the wooden spoon and quickly pulling it out. I coughed as my body tried to deal with the sudden intrusion of my throat. As I recovered, I quickly scanned the surrounding room, taking note of several things. The walls were made of stone bricks, obviously melded together by some sort of cement. The door was made of metal. There was light, but without a source. And I was lying on...

SWEET JESUS. What am I lying on?! It was a bed, but with a bright pink cover. And on it were little... ponies? Little pastel ponies lined the bedcover. I wouldn’t be surprised if this bed belonged to a little girl. The colors sure looked the part. The bed, with all its pastel colors and ponies, did not fit in with the strange, glowing stone room.

“Excuse me?” I asked. If I was trapped in this room, perhaps there would be a listening device or something. “Can anyone hear me?” There was silence. “...Yeah, okay.” I walked over to the door, and tried pushing it open. It wouldn’t budge. I sighed, and kicked it as hard as I could. The metal crumpled on impact, and fell flat on the floor. I gaped in surprise. “Since when did I...?” Never mind. Probably just shoddy workmanship. The bricks the door was attached to was also completely busted... was it also shoddy workmanship? “Hello?”

Beyond the crumpled door was another room. Made of more bricks. With another metal door. The only difference it had from the room I was in was that there was no bed. I walked inside, this time combing the walls and floor for bugs. The electronic kind, I mean. There were a couple of the biological kinds, mostly ants. I sighed, walking over to the door. And slammed my foot into it. As before, I left a shoe shaped indent in the metal, down to the grooves in my sole. And beyond it was... another room.

Ten rooms and ten kicked down doors later, I came across the final room. I call it the ‘woah dude, I’m on crack’ room. The walls were constantly shifting colors, twisting and turning in a extremely hypnotic and mesmerizing fashion. I found myself staring at it for a few seconds more than I had to, and tore myself from the gaze. The ceiling was made of clouds. Pink clouds. I reached my hand up, poking at the layer of pink fluffy clouds. And pulled some of it down. I licked it. Cotton candy! It was a ceiling of cotton candy! Whoever did it is either a genius, or just plain dumb. I could escape, theoretically, but that would mean getting completely coated in cotton candy, which sucked. Or I could continue bashing down doors. I went for the doors.

Another long while of door kicking. I tried punching too, after seeing how (relatively) effortless it was to kick them down. Surprisingly, my fist left a dent as well, even if the door mostly held. I had to kick it down anyway. I must’ve walked at least two kilometers nonstop, which was strange considering I didn’t feel stressed in the least. My body just felt lighter in general, compared to normal. So I’m some sort of superhuman now, with super strength. Weird, since I had wanted to be a superhero since... like, ever.

More kicking. It had to be at least more than a hundred rooms since the crack room. I stopped for a short rest, then moving to kick down the door. I paused before the door, having a sudden brainwave. I turned to the left wall, and kicked as hard as I could.

There was a cloud of dust as the grey stone bricks exploded, obscuring my vision. At least I knew that there was a cavity behind the bricks. When the dust settled, I peered inside the empty space. It was a small cave, just enough for me to touch the ceiling. Again, it had a sourceless light, something I hope to figure out soon. And placed smack bang in the center of the small enclave was a statue.

The statue itself was made of grey stone, similar to the walls of the previous rooms. The subject of the statue was... strange. It was reminded me of a Chinese dragon. It had two horns, one shaped like an antler and one which was curly like a gazelle’s or something. Its body was long and elongated, with a clearly divide between neck and body. Its left arm was eagle-like, ending with a taloned hand. Its right arm was that of a large cat, perhaps a lion or a cougar. It had a serpentine left leg, and a hoofed right leg. In conclusion, it looked really weird. Like, REALLY weird.

I sat down, and stared at the statue for a while. It was nice to have something to look at that wasn’t grey stone and metal door. Well, the statue was grey stone. But it at least it wasn’t a wall. Then I kicked the statue in where I assumed where the nuts would be.

“OUCH. OW. OW. OW.” The statue came to life, clutching his groin and moaning loudly. Judging by the voice, I’d say that it’s a he. “Ah, that was pain in the purest sense.” He recovered quickly enough, and was grinning at me. “Well! That was interesting. Nice to meet you.” He took a bow, somehow bowing through his crotch and completing a full 360º spin.

“...Who are you?” I asked, apprehensive at this strange dragon-thing that could shift through his junk.

“My name is Discord.” He flashed me a wide smile. “And just for that, I like you!” He ruffled my hair.

“For what?” I asked.

“For asking who am I, instead of what am I!” He said. “Shows you have respect! But then, I have no respect. Hah!” He cackled. “And, for your information, I am a draconequus, a being of immense power!” He pointed at me. “I brought you here. And this infinite line of rooms.” Huh. So I would have been stuck kicking down doorways. Cool.

“...Where am I, anyway?” I asked. “With beings like you, it sure as hell isn’t my own.”

“Ah, straight to the point!” Discord bent down. “See, I need a servant. Well, more like partner in crime, but servant is also fine. So I summoned the most dangerous creature in the multiverse.” He peered at me. “You don’t look too dangerous to me.” I punched him in the face, sending him flying backwards. He smashed into the cave wall, his face completely bashed in.

“I’m dangerous.” I said simply. His face popped back into shape and he grinned.

“Right. You’re dangerous. But not to me!” He laughed and snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. “Uh. That was supposed to happen!” He smiled nervously and snapped his fingers again. Still nothing. “Okay, I’ll come clean. That was supposed to make you my eternal slave forever, but since that didn’t work, I guess I’ll just have to ask.” He clapped his hands and he appeared inside a suit. “Will you work for me?” 

I paused. “You’re a being of unlimited power whose power doesn’t work on me. What’s stopping me from forcing you into working for me?” He smirked.

“Because I can still kill you.” He waved a hand, and the cave started shrinking. I held fast, until the point where I would be crushed to death when I sighed.

“Fine. FINE. I’ll be your damned follower.” The cave snapped back to original size. He smiled and gave me a hug, which was awkward.

“I don’t even know your name! What’s your name?” Discord asked, floating in mid air. “Bob? John? Daenerys Targaryen?” 

“You can call me Nevermore.” Yes, I know I’m referencing Edgar Alan Poe. It sounds cool. “It’s not my real name, but I don’t tell anyone that.” Except for everyone back in my own world. 

“So, Nevermore. You be my lackey, and I’ll guarantee you that you won’t die of anything beyond natural causes. So that’s just old age to worry about.” He smiled and held out his hand. I hesitated for a moment, before shaking it reluctantly. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t want invincibility. I just don’t like giving control of myself to someone else. Hell, my mother couldn’t get me to take a bath when I was three, and I was a rebel since.

“Cool. Now, do I get payment?” I asked, grinning. The grin was quickly wiped off my face when a stack of gold coins fell onto my lap. “Is this.. real gold?” 

“No. I could make them real gold, though!” The pile suddenly turned much heavier.

“Do you have dollars?” I asked. Hey, who knows, I might get back to my old world. He sighed, and the gold turned into cold, hard cash. In the thousands. “Nice.”

“You realize you’re never getting back, right?” Fuck. Fuck you too, Discord. “...If it makes you any happier, I’ll gift you some of my power later. If you’re a good boy.” Yeah, definitely. I’d screw you in the ass with a watermelon. “Fine. I hold you here for fifty years, and if you don’t die by then, you’re free to leave.”

“Why the change of heart, Discord?” I asked, mockingly. I hated his guts already, and we had met for barely 10 minutes. He got on my nerves.

“I’m a spirit of chaos. Not evil. You want evil, go to that Sombra fellow.” He laughed. “I don’t want to cause pain, silly. I just want to entertain myself. And gods be darned if I treat my own employees poorly. The boss will fire me!” He waved his hand dramatically. “...This is the part when you comfort me.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Trust me, Discord. No normal boss would fire someone simply for treating his underlings bad.” Oh the memories. “I should know. I’ve been under quite a few douche bags myself.” At least I’ll leave a rich man. “So, Discord.” I said his name with as much venom as I could muster. “I don’t know anything about this world. Enlighten me.”

He pressed a finger to my forehead, and my brain just fucked itself. If this was what computers felt when a usb is plugged into it, I’m never subjecting a computer to such pains ever again. My head felt like it was going to split, as every bit of information that Discord thought I should know about the land flowed into my head. Fuck, I knew more about this place than I knew about home. Am I going local? I’m going local aren’t I. Oh fuck me. “There. enlightened.” Discord smiled smugly.

“Thank you.” I said, politely. I won’t give him the satisfaction. Fuck you Discord. “Wait. If you power doesn’t work on me, how did you...?”

“You gave me consent.” He shrugged. “Now, do you want some cake? I made some cake!” He snapped his fingers and a cake fell on top of me. I licked the icing.

“Yum. I am so happy right now.” I said, flatly. “Now get it off.”

He pouted. He actually pouted. “Spoilsport. You’re no fun. Well, now that you know of the local environment, I’d like to give you your first assignment.” Already? Well someone’s a fucking slavedriver. “Your job is to infiltrate pony society. Blend in. See what you can find out on the boring side of things.”

“...I’m not a pony. I can’t blend in.” I said. “Genius.” He looked hurt.

“Again, spoilsport. You ruin all the good stuff.” Discord muttered, before slapping on a very fake smile. “Well! Obviously I didn’t mean blend in as in that! I meant for you to be accepted by their community. Maybe even gain a high rank!” He grinned. “Before I send you off, here’s what I’ll allow you to take. A full understanding of Equestria, but it will be inaccessible until three months of your integration. A basic understanding of Equestria in general on the boot, but not too much. Your knowledge of the human world. Your natural strength. And, a little gift from me, fighting prowess I picked up over the millennium.” Wait, he’s sending me now? “I won’t be send you now, of course. I’ll want you to meet the family, first!” Fucking mind reader.

“...The family? I don’t recall being in your family.” I muttered.

“Ah, but all my operatives are one big family!” He grinned. He did that a lot. “Come now, you’re part of the team!” He tapped the cave wall, which opened like those cheap ass spy movies.

“Cliché.” I noted.

“Ah, but sometimes clichés are the most fun!” Discord cackled. “Miss Anders! I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.” He said in a freakishly accurate Bond imitation.

“The man with the golden gun?” He nodded happily. “How do you even... you know what? Never mind.” At that Discord stared pointedly at me.

“I can drag beings through the fabrics of time and space with little or no effort. I can shatter physics and create black holes without even trying. Surely I can watch otherworldly movies.” He stared at me like it was obvious. “I have a widescreen plasma TV, only one in Equestria. Want to see it?”

“I don’t watch TV that much.”

“I also have a super computer devoted to gaming. And internet strong enough to penetrate the dimensions.” I perked up. “I can get you infinite WoW access.” 

“Take me to my new home!” He smiled and hooked an arm around me, leading me through a myriad of tunnels and pathways. Without him as a guide, most beings would have gotten lost within minutes. Discord must be either half mole, or really familiar with the terrain. “Discord, are you half mole?” I asked, somewhat stupidly. “Cause navigating this crap is neigh impossible. Shit. Nigh impossible.” Fuck I’m going local.

“Hah. Beings going local have a special place in Hell, right next to the Canadians.” I snorted before noticing the insult. “No offense if you’re Canadian. Cause then that’s just sad.” Wow. Way to go, Discord. “Am I doing this right? Your homeland’s humor is new to me.” 

“You’re doing well, for an outsider.” I said. “But try not to use the same branch of jokes twice. Unless it’s a pun, then really you deserve a punch.” Ha ha ha. “That’s how comedy back home is.”

“Puns, eh?” Discord scratched his chin.

“Don’t even think about it. Puns are right down there, next to lame practical jokes and sarcasm.” I said. “Are we there yet?”

He snapped his fingers, and we teleported into a... well, a very normal room. There were shelves of books, some about quantum theory, others were... triple X in nature. There was a totally kickass gaming rig sitting on a table, which was placed in a corner. There was a bed, with... the bed cover from home? Cool. There was a wardrobe which contained all my clothes, and a cupboard with everything else I had organized in boxes.

“Personally, I hate order, but I know you like things tidy, so I did this, just for you.” He fluttered his nonexistent eyelashes. I’m so fucking grateful right now. And HOLY SHIT. Was that a full scale copy of Frostmourne I spy hanging off from a wall? “Fully functional.” I blanched. “With all the magic and everything.”

“...Now all I need is the Lich King armor, and I’m off to ComicCon.” I said, reaching out to grab the sword. I grabbed it, and instantly felt power surging through my body. OH YEAH! That felt good. I spun around, and slashed Discord right down the middle. Yeah, retribution, baby! Of course, he recovered in a blink, but that was cool. Frostmourne is one hell of a sexy sword. 
“I can get them for you, if you want. The Warcraft universe is three universes to the left of us.” My jaw dropped. Holy shit. “I’m on first name basis with Illidan. I could get you his glaives if you want, if only for a while.”

“Guy, Discord, Dad, whatever, I’m wanting an extra clause to my employment contract.” I stared hungrily at him. “I get to go to any universe I want.”

“Except for your own, and you can’t stay forever.” Discord added. “And you call me Dad. It feels good.”

“Done deal... Dad.” I smiled. Oh, multiverse, you won’t know what hit you. “Now... about that Lich King armor.”

“I’ll have it delivered to you within the next week.” He morphed into a FedEx deliveries guy. “Thank you for using Discord Deliveries, and we hope we see you again.” He cackled and snapped his fingers. “It takes time to breach dimensional walls, see.” 

“And you were talking about your... other operatives?” I said, checking out the insane gaming deck. Dude this was mad stuff. It had all the hot games. Call of Duty. Skyrim. And holy shit they have Minecraft here. Oh shit. There was this sweet ass headset, too. And... oh. Oh. Oh my god. They have the Occulus Rift. Aw shit yeah.

“Oh yes. Time to meet the others, Nevermore.” He glided over to a wall, and a door just materialized out of nowhere. “This way!” He phased straight through the door, leaving me to hurry and catch up with him. The door led to a large sitting room like area, where Discord was speaking to three beings. Two of them I recognized as ponies, thanks to the new knowledge Discord granted me. The other... was shadow. Literally, he was a bipedal being made of shadow. It was a disturbing sight.

“Meet Screwball, my special little girl.” Discord smiled proudly. “I made her, you know. From the ground up. She’s a master of chaos magic, although not nearly as good as I am. She’s getting better, though. She’s already capable of holding off one of the Princesses, if need be.” Screwball grinned maniacally and raised a lightning laced hoof. “He’s immune to my magic, and probably all forms of magic too, dear.” She lowered her hoof, saddened. The lightning flickered out pathetically.

Then she brightened and launched the lightning bolt anyway. I leapt backwards and literally swatted the lightning away. “Bitch yo should listen to yo daddy.” I said, angrily. Screwball looked genuinely stunned that I could bat her magic away just like that. She beckoned at Discord, and whispered something in his ear.

“Relax, darkling. He’s about as magical as the fly next you. Oh wait, is that Burt? Never mind. But yes. He can’t hurt me as much as you might be able to.” Discord smiled. Oh, Screwball. Paranoid already.

“This is Screwloose. She used to be a crazy dog lady, but she... changed her mind. Now she’s the sane part of our little team. She coordinates our efforts, but can occasionally go feral if the situation arises.” Discord patted her on the head, much to the displeasure of Screwloose.

“And this is... Thorn. Our infiltration and assassination expert. If Screwball is the bomb, then he is the dagger. You want someone dead in a quiet fashion? Get him to do it. You want to get to the most secure facility in the world? Get him to do it. He can use the very environment around him, and twist the world to his whim. He is not magical, at least not his abilities, save for one. But he is the only being that has ever even come close to beating me, so respect that dude.” 

Thorn gazed at me with his single red eye. I stared at him curiously, before lashing out with a quick kick which he blocked expertly. Twisting my body, I struck out with my other leg, swinging it around in a powerful spin. He blocked that as well, and smacked me with one of his own strikes. I was sent crashing into the floor, and I probably broke a bone or two, too. Jawbone, I think.

“...You have potential.” Holy shit. Thorn’s voice was deep, guttural, and grating, the kind of voice you’d think evil would have if evil had a body. “I will... train you. You will... be strong.” His sole eye burned with barely concealed fury. “Then... we will destroy... the trickster... who has bound me... to this form... Just as... he has... bound you... to this plane.”

Discord laughed. “You couldn’t kill me if you tried! Even I tried killing me! And I can do anything!” He conjured up a glass of chocolate milk, just to prove his point. “Even the pony princesses had their go at me! And they had the Elements of Harmony!”

“Almost Impossible... Almost...” The darkness that shaped him suddenly shifted, forming an enormous scythe-hand. “There will... come a time... when you are... outclassed...” Then he sighed jarringly, and the scythe faded. “But it will not be today...” 

“Good Thorn. Now, you, my dear Nevermore, will be our tank. You’re the first on the battlefield and the last to leave. You cannot die, but two of our number can,” He gestured at the two ponies. “You job is to drag along as many enemies as possible, clearing a path for vulnerable.” He stared at me, still pancaked to the floor. “...after you recover.” He took a pump and stuffed it in my mouth. I was about to protest when he pumped actually pumped air into me, somehow inflating me in the process. Because in this crazy world, physics takes the sideline. Another thing Discord taught me.

Once I was sufficiently pumped and ready to go (ahaha), Discord led me on a trip across the facility. It was a myriad of hallways, rooms, and chambers, sometimes all three at once. There was a swimming pool, a gym room, a sparring arena, some sort of wizards den, a computer-slash-magic operated kitchen, and a torturing chamber. Any evil villain HQ has to have a torture chamber. 

Apparently, even with my somehow enhanced strength, I still get tired just the same, because after the tour ended, I returned to my room and almost immediately passed out afterwards.



“You need to be fast.” My blade hissed as it passed through Thorn’s intangible body. His clawed hand slashed my face, unable to break my unnaturally strong skin. Apparently Earth’s Gravity is much stronger than here. I can jump higher, punch harder, and run faster than most things. I’m also nigh invulnerable. Something about Earth’s air being one of the most acidic in the multiverse. 

“Faster!” I slashed and stabbed, following with a strong kick to the face. Thorn simply dodged the sword and blocked the kick. But he stumbled from the force of my kick, and I kicked him again, knocking him to the floor.

“Good. You can aim now.” Thorn said, standing again. Turns out he could speak normally, but he didn’t like to. It was by my request that he did. So now I’m his protégée, and we’ll destroy Discord when we are ready. Apparently he’s this ancient spirit from a bygone era, forced into his current form by Discord. “And wipe that smug smile off your face. You realize that at my current full power, you wouldn’t last five seconds.” 

“Yeah, I remember.” I sighed, and drew my sword. It’s been a month since I’ve been here, at least by my standards. Time stops in this weird little base thing. 

Thorn morphed his claws into talons. Apparently he would make it harder and harder, until he starts bringing in multiple weapons and ultimately his full arsenal. “Ready when you are.”

He launched himself at me, his talons raking at my skin and clothes. I swung my sword, scattering his form, before delivering a devastating uppercut to his reformed body. That’s the quirk with Thorn. He’s intangible for the most part, yet still able to deliver damage. When he’s hit in this state, he scatters, before reforming with a split second of solidity in which I can hit him. 
He was sent careening, but righted himself at the last second. “Nice... but still too slow, and not precise enough.” And just to prove his point he pelted me with lightning fast blows to multiple strategic locations, leaving me winded, unable to move a muscle, and trying not to hurl.

“Okay.” I gasped, shaking on the floor. “I got this.” I struggled to my feet, before falling over again. The process repeated itself several times. He sighed and plucked me off from the floor.

“Pathetic.” He snorted. “If it weren’t that I need you to take down the Trickster, I wouldn’t train you this... way...” He paused, his eye flickering. When he was thinking, he does that. “...Nevermore. What if I transferred my knowledge of fighting to you, similar to how the Trickster gave you his knowledge of Ponyland?” I couldn’t help but grin at his nickname for Equestria.

“Why are you so hesitant?” I asked, already suspecting what the answer would be.

“The Trickster.” Called it. “Fearful of my power, I suppose.”

“Hmm. Oh, and why can’t I use Frostmourne? I probably could beat you if I had it.” I remembered the powers I had when I held Frostmourne in my hands. It’s a lot like drugs. You get really high, but then you go evil.

“Arthas was a great fighter by the time he got Frostmourne. In your hands, the blade would be wasted.” Yeah fuck you too, Thorn. And just for that, I’ll waste all your time by learning the hard way. “...I see your resolve. Let us continue.” He sighed, and slashed me  across the face. I grimaced, grabbing him, and stabbed the sword into his flesh. He didn’t even flinch, and teleported a few steps back into sword-less area.

“That hurt. Good job.” He phased out of the blade and crossed his shadowy arms. “Another three months or so and you’ll be fighting me not as mentor to apprentice, but as equals.” His eye turned yellow temporarily, which was his way of smiling. “You will make for an excellent warrior.”

We were having a moment of just pure bro to bro silence, when Screwball burst into the room. “Daddy’s calling, Nev.” I hate it when she calls me that. “Mission time.” Oh even fucking better.

I followed Screwball to the Mission Room, where Discord was wearing a full military suit. “Agent Nevermore. Your time has come. Your mission is to infiltrate the Equestrian society, gain rank, and gather intel. I will remotely check on your progress.” He drew himself to his full height, plus a few feet via magic. “I won’t bother to tell you what you’ll get to bring, since you’ll know anyway. But one thing I want you to know is to be careful... and beware of Pinkie.” He shuddered. “There is more to that mare. Much, much more.” He snapped his fingers.

I fainted.
> 3. Past Tales
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke in the Everfree Forest. Why did I make camp there? It’s fucking dangerous shit, what with beasties and poisonous plants and stuff. The canopy was really thick, and stopped just about any sunlight coming through. Branches snaked along the leaves, like brown veins on green skin. There were no birds, or woodland sounds, just silence. Fucking creepy place. I looked beside me.

Fucking hydra head. There’s a fucking severed hydra head next to me. And behind it, eight more and a mutilated body. I did that?! I looked down at my hands. I was holding a sword that was completely coated in blood. Yep. Now I feel so hardcore. 

I staggered to my feet, and pulled out my compass. I looked around for a bit, unfolding my map and looking up a few key points. “North West?” I muttered to myself. I folded it up again and shouldered my pack. Time to go.

The road was hot, boring, and boring. Nothing happened. It was just an hour of brushing leaves away and tripping on roots. A few times I think I saw wolves made of wood. Timberwolves or something. The canopy didn’t let in any sun, and it sure as heck didn’t let out any of the moisture. My shirt was pretty much soaked by the time I reached the exit, both from humidity and sweat. 

Traveling sucks, sometimes. But other times it’s much worth it. The wonders, the exotic cultures, the food, the sights, the women... Shit. Did I actually write that? Never mind. Traveling isn’t for everyone. You need to be tough, enough to weather the hardships of the worse parts of the wild, and some of the things you’ll be forced to fight... ugh. I still remember the squid. Sweet Jesus the squid. My asshole will never feel the same.

But squids aside, some of the women are quite exotic. I had a Naga once. Quite strange. Scaly, if anything. Cats are exceptionally wonderful, but only if you’re on top. Dogs are just a bit lower than the cats, though I wouldn’t pass off the chance if I had it. The Kobolds of the north are meh, like fifty fifty. Changelings are weird as fuck. Not that I’d say no, though... Wow, now this has turned into a sex guide. Moving on.

And it wasn’t always me coming out on top. I remember there was one time when a dragon stopped me from passing through his valley. I explained that I was just traveling, but he attacked me anyway. I was defeated after a struggle, and he ate me. ATE ME. I had to cut through his stomach wall to get out. It was fun watching the acid eat him from the inside out, though. A bit messy, but that was for eating me. Not one eats the Nevermore.

My thought trail ended when the actual trail ended. Light kissed my face and I took in a deep breath. Man, not-Everfree-Forest-air tastes better than a virgin. Um, not that I know what a virgin tastes like... Yeah, of course not.  I mean. Never mind.

Point is, it felt good to be free. Ah, freedom. And I think I’m a bit sex deprived. Two years is definitely too long for someone used to sex often. And I was so on edge every night, I haven’t even done manual. I am aching for sex. Hopefully ponies have hookers. Not likely, considering what I know about them, but you never know. 

But the sheer existence of such a peaceful and idyllic nation was... shocking. A land without war? Without political dissent? Amazing. I might actually think about settling down here and... getting hitched? No, these were horses. Colorful horses, but horses never less. I’m not going to marry anything that’s not human. And as far as I’m concerned, I’m alone in this world... Fuck, that’s depressing. Time to get myself in a funny mood!

Fuck! Why did I slap myself to get myself into a funny mood?! 



I stood there, at the forest’s edge, for about five minutes, just soaking in the sun’s rays and breathing in the sweet open air. I sighed, stretching, and scanned my surroundings. The forest behind me. Some sort of tree farm at a distance. And there it was, Ponyville. Gleaming in the afternoon sun. I could see tiny dots of color, milling around. Man, it’s good to be back in civilization. You have no idea what living with the wildest kinds of nature can do to you after a few months. Boars looking sexy and crazy shit like that.

I sheathed my machete and checked my supplies. All the tools are in check. My crossbow’s fine. Flint is good. My bits are cool. Yep. Time to rock the town. I slung my pack and started towards the town. I felt good. I am good. I’m perfect, and Ponyville won’t know what hit them.

Before I knew it, I was nearing the outskirts of town. By now the ponies were about as big as I’d expect them to be. Then shit hit the fan. One of them saw me and screamed “MONSTER!” before bolting. Go figure. So much for a perfect utopian society. It reminded me of the first time I visited a foreign city that wasn’t for humanoids. Deerfolk, I think. Fuck, they cast me out. How about that?

I continued to walk down the now deserted streets, as ponies scattered before me. I was tempted to throw up my hands and cackle maniacally, while saying “YES! RUN BEFORE ME, YOU FOOLISH MORTALS”, but it wasn’t worth it. I sighed as I stared at the doors being slammed shut. Am I truly that different? Is it really necessary to run that way? I pondered these questions as I made for the town center. If anyone could help me, the mayor could.

The town hall was a large, circular building that was styled quite peculiarly. It was like the rest of the Ponyville architecture, but I haven’t seen that particular style anyplace else. It looked... rural, yes urban at the same time, if that makes any sense. It’s like the country squashed in with a bit of your suburban neighborhood.

There was a hissing sound and I turned instinctively, catching a streaking hoof firmly in my hand. I twisted, bringing the cyan pegasus attached with it, and set her down gently on the ground. She growled and struck again, but I parried easily and set her down once again. She flew backwards, and cried out. “Twilight!” A purple unicorn stepped up confidently, before her eyes widened in panic and she squeezed her eyes shut, pouring her effort into... something.

“If you’re trying magic, don’t bother. I’m immune.” She looked up in surprise, and so did the others. 

“It’s sentient?” She asked, amazed. “...And it speaks Equestrian?!” Seriously, did ponies think that they were the only things with a great enough brain capacity? I mean, they treat anything that’s bigger than they are as a monster. I’ve heard of this zebra shaman living at the edge of the Everfree, and until recently she was treated like a witch or something.

“I’m a he, and yes, I speak Equestrian, as well as eleven different languages.” I sighed. “Honestly, you ponies think that the world revolves around you.” They blushed, except for the cyan one.

“I’m so sorry, I’ve heard reports of a monster and I just assumed that...” The purple one blustered. “I’m so, so sorry!”

“It’s fine. However, you ponies do need to work on interracial acceptance.” I said, in a very teacher-y sort of tone. “After all, I’m just a weary traveler looking to settle down for a while. Can’t you spare someone that?” I love mind games. Especially on simple creatures. I’m not calling ponies stupid, but they sure as heck are unsuspecting.

“You’re a traveler? Been to faraway places with many tales to tell?” Purple asked, perking up. “You must tell me all about them! Oh and, um, my name is Twilight Sparkle.” They introduced themselves in order. White is Rarity, Pink is... Pinkie. Go figure. Orange is Applejack, Cyan is Rainbow Dash, and Yellow is Fluttershy.

“But first, I need a place to stay. Any inns, taverns, hotels, or the sort?” I asked, pulling out my bit purse. “I can pay for it.”

“Oh, no! You’re one of the first non-pony visitors Ponyville has ever received! We couldn’t tell you to pay!” She looked horrified at the prospect. Man, I could get used to this. “You can stay at my place, in the library. It’s not much, but it’s better than what most of the inns can offer in this town.” Huh. Chick lives in a library. Nerdy, but cool. I can respect a properly educated woman.

“Ponyville is a small town, quiet and peaceful most days, except for Everfree incidents.” Everfree incidents?

“Monster attacks?” I hazarded a guess. “Maybe manticores? And hydras?”

“Exactly. Creatures from the Everfree often spill over into our side of the world that’s when we have to either send the creature back, or do damage control until the Princess gets here.” She explained, trotting along the streets. “But aside from that, Ponyville is quite a quiet place to live in. Why I stay here with my friends, actually. As the Elements of Harmony, they could easily have relocated to Canterlot and lived off the Crown like I do.”

“Ah, yes. I’ve heard of the Elements. Strongest magic around, except maybe that chaos magic that fellow Discord has.” I said. “Am I right?”

She smiled humbly. “Well, the Elements are powerful, but I’m sure there could be stronger magics elsewhere...” Then she looked up at me, and she coughed uncomfortably. “I was actually wondering if I could, You know, conduct some tests on you? I mean, I know you’ve just arrived, but perhaps later I could investigate your abilities, Mr...?” Her mouth dropped open when she realized she had never asked for my name.

“Nevermore.” I said. “My friends call me Nevermore.” If I had friends to begin with. Traveling is a lonely business. You should never establish long lasting relationships as a traveler. All you get are heartbreaks and sadness.

We stopped in front of a giant tree. “We’re here!” Seriously? A tree that’s a library? The irony is so strong, I’d be a man of steel when this is over. Twilight’s horn glowed, and I knew I was looking at the famous magic of Equestria. I’ve seen dragon magic at work, but this was different. Dragon magic is learnt, passed on through bloodline and unlocked from constant practice. Unicorn magic is habitual, an everyday occurrence. Watching them take such as amazing thing for granted was disturbing, but whatever floats their boat.

“So. A tree.” I commented, stepping into the large treehouse-library. “Now what, a pet dragon?”

She had a pet dragon. “You have a pet dragon?!” I asked, shocked.

“Assistant.” She said, irritably. “Everypony makes that mistake.” Then she stopped, and sighed. “Sorry, it’s just that everypony thinks that Spike is a pet. He’s more like a little brother.” Spike grinned and waved.

“So... sentient? Can he do magic?” I asked. Twilight looked startled.

“Magic? Well, I guess he can magically deliver messages, but other than that...” She shrugged.

“Magic flame. Latent magic skill of all sentients.” I said, recalling my trip to Draconia. “Idiots have regular fire.”

“You mean... dragons have different classes?!” Twilight practically glowed with excitement. “Spike, fetch me some paper, ink, and a quill, please.” I sighed. and sat down.

“Do you want me to start from the beginning? The beginning of my travels, I mean?” I asked, wearily. Fucking scholars. But it would be nice to go down in Pony history, too. I’m already known in a multitude of cultures, might as well chalk down another one. Twilight nodded eagerly, and I sighed. “Okay. But sit tight, and grab something to eat. It’s going to be a long story.” She did, and I began my tale.

“My adventures began about two years ago, in the swamps of the eastern Naga lands. They’re a fascinating bunch, the Naga. They live in tribes, but the tribes unite under the banner of the mighty Glenhis Khan. Great big warlord, one of the best generals I’ve seen. They are honorable warriors, but will stoop to moral lows if it means winning or losing. They have ritual to ask the gods for forgiveness if a war is won through ‘trickery and false combat’.”

“But that’s besides the point. I woke up with only fragmentary memories of my old home. I remember thousands, no, millions like me. I remember a world where technology reigned, and magic and the lot took the sidelines. I remember a war-torn world, broken, but slowly edging towards peace. I remember a home, a warm bed, a welcoming family...” I started sniffling, and Twilight moved in to comfort me. I managed to control myself before I was overrun with emotions.

“After overcoming my initial confusion, I was taken in by a local Naga tribe. The Bloodclaw tribe. Their ways were fair, the people were welcoming, and the women... never mind. But I was brought in, and after helping them win a few key battles, they accepted me into the tribe. Life was good, for a while. But I am a nomad at heart, so I craved a nomad’s life.”

“So I left the tribe, in search of tales of conquest and glory. I think the Naga are rubbing off on me. The next place I went to was the golden city of Catopolis. It was the base of a mighty civilization, with a chariot force like no other. But its religion was what set it apart from others. While I’ve seen signs of religion, such as local gods and the like, I have yet to see another national religion with a full pantheon yet. The cats of Egypt remind me of another civilization back home, also from a land called Egypt. Strange, really.”

“By some freakish chance I look like one of their war gods, and it took me a week to convince them that I was mortal, just like them. I had to singlehandedly take on the entire invading Ram army, and when they finally managed to breach my skin, I nearly cried with joy. Now they think I am a demigod who’s father is the ultimate warrior. I helped them repel their enemies, and I was given a taste of Egyptian life. It was cool, but soon I was on my feet once again.”

“Then I went to the underground empire of the Dogs. The Canid Imperium is a sight to behold. Miles upon miles upon miles of tunnels and chambers, with a bustling population at least twice the size of the cat’s. The Canids are, again, quite similar to another civilization that was once in power back home, called the Roman Empire. Both boasted large cities, a strong military, a stable economy, and an Emperor to boot. However, their methods for warfare were weak at best, so I decided to play military advisor for a few months.”

“I left them with one of the most deadly armies the world has ever seen, skilled at both open and guerrilla warfare. Their soldiers equip themselves with the best armor they could get, and they have the best technology I could offer them without tipping the balance in the world. Last I heard, they have already wiped out or assimilated all surrounding dog factions. Canid Imperium reigns supreme.”

At this point Twilight had to take a toilet break, so I stood up, stretched, and looked around the library. It wasn’t big, but it would do. I grabbed a promising looking book, named ‘a Detailed History of Equestria’, and gave it a read. It was interesting stuff, although I saw many logic flaws. Propaganda, no doubt. Trouble in utopia? I made sure to visit the Princesses in the future, at least to see the ponies that haul the sun and moon around, if anything. “You back? Ready for more? Alright, let’s go.”

“But the high point of my story must be from my time in Draconia. Dragons are fascinating, even to an outsider to me. I trust that you’ll want to know more about the creatures. So, there are three castes of dragons: The idiots, the magics, and the elders. The idiots are basically wild dragons. They’ve gone feral, and now they’re just animals. Really big, really powerful animals. But more or less on equal footing with hydras and other large creatures. These have lives longer than most things, but woefully short compared to other types of dragons. The only remarkable thing they can do is spit fire.”

“Magics are the next class of dragons. These are sentient, and very long lived. They can also do limited amounts of magic, such as hoard growth, messenger fires, and other neat tricks. Spike here is a magic. They grow at a much slower rate, and can take thousands of years to fully mature. I don’t think Spike will grow into much more than a teenager in your life time. Unless we use blood magic, which is dangerous and illegal. There’s also a large, fully matured magic living in the Everfree near Ponyville, I think it’s about to pass into the third stage.”

“Speaking of which, there are the elders. These are by far the most powerful beings to ever exist, perhaps even on par with the princesses. Their control over magic is great, and their source of raw energy unrivaled by anything on the planet, save the Elements and potentially Discord. Elders come into being when magics get to the age of exactly five thousand years. They are subjected to a number of tests, and if they pass, they become elders. If they don’t, they remain magics for the rest of their long, but not infinite, lives. Elders are... terrifying. I got to fight one, in an honorable one on one duel. It... ended badly. They had three magics working on healing me for two days straight afterwards. And they are eternal. They can never die from old age, but they are vulnerable to weapons, like the other dragon breeds. The oldest elder still alive is Goldenglow, living somewhere north in the Griffon lands. It remembers back since before Discord ever existed, apparently.”

“I was forced into what they called a Trial by Fire, where I basically have to fight every dragon in a selected roost. A roost, by the way, is an area about the size of a country. So, I got to fight about eighteen dragons. ten idiots, seven magics, and one elder. I got past everything until the elder. The point of the Trial by Fire is to see if the visitor is worthy enough to meet the leader of the roost, most often the elder. I was deemed worthy, and got to spend a week with the oldest dragon in Equestria.”

“Oh, and the Kobolds. They are the rat men of the northern wastes, eking out an existence in the frozen tundras. They’re a pitiful, but down to earth race, and gladly welcomed a visitor like me. In some sense, I respected them the most. Their homes, even the rat king’s, were simple and often slightly rundown. They often ran out of food, and sickness was common there. I offered them all my food and medication, but they refused. But in the end I helped supply a few families with food I caught, mostly bear and elk. Their bodies were battered, but their souls stayed strong. It was a heartwarming sight.”

“They caught a plague. I had to try and heal them, at least take care of them until their healer recovered. It was bad. Really bad. I tried, but... only a handful made it through. They didn’t blame me though. They realized that I tried my best. I packed my things and was gone by sunrise.”

I sighed as my tale came to an end. “And then I started on to Equestria.” I shrugged. Fuck that was a long story. I looked at my hip flask, and almost choked. Oh, shit. I almost downed my entire supply of alcohol. Shit. I also omitted to write down the more explicit bits I said. Of course, I made sure that Twilight was a legal adult before launching into the stranger parts.

“That’s... quite an interesting tale you have.” She said, finishing up what she was writing. “Now I... Sweet Celestia! Look at the time!” I did, and saw that it was well past midnight. I figured I should clean off and finally have some decent sleep.

“So, uh... I guess I should unpack and clean myself? I mean, the wild isn’t exactly hygienic...” I asked. “Where’s the bathroom?”

She pointed at a room and I shuffled over, cracking a few joints in the process. Cracking as in making the sound. Not, you know, actually cracking. That would fucking hurt. I stepped into the shower and sighed as warm water flowed over me. Damn. Warm water feels good.

I began thinking. What was the point of my quest around the world? Fame? Riches? If I wanted fame, I could have stayed in the Naga tribe. I was a demon there, untouchable and deadly. They would, eventually, see me as some sort of otherworldly power. I am powerful enough to be one. Again, I had all the loot I could ever want back at the tribe. I racked up kill streaks like no other, and the spoils go to the victor. I had piles of gold in my hut. I asked the warriors to split it up amongst their families, but I think they still hope that I would return. Perhaps. Their women were awesome.

Maybe it was the women. I’m a dude. What dude wouldn’t want exotic women to dig into? But... that’s not it either. I really hope not, at least. I’m not that fucked up, right? ...Yeah, don’t answer that. But no, I don’t think it’s the women.

What am I looking for?

Why am I in this world?

Why am I alone?

Who am I?
> 4. Prophecies
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fuck my life. I try to enjoy some quiet time, and royalty tries to get me. It has been more than a week since I arrived at Ponyville, and life has just started to settle down. I’ve been busy participating in Twilight’s experiments on my magical immunity, sharing more detailed tales of my travels, and just exploring around town.

I’ve been to Rarity’s boutique, and she was kind enough to fix my current clothes, and gave me a discount on a few new sets of clothes. My entire wardrobe consists of three shirts and three pairs of pants. And that’s it. Imagine how distraught I was when one of the sets were burned off by a dragon. I was enjoying dragon steak that night. Ah, such is the power of spite.

She was less than stellar about the design of my clothes. “Darling, you cannot travel in... that.” She waved a hoof at the clothes I brought in. “The colors simply do not match! It’s... ugh.” She wrinkled her muzzle at my clothes, which were all camo colored.

I sighed. Fashionistas. “Dark green on dull brown helps me blend into the forest. It’s proper camo.” I said flatly. I pointed at a brightly colored green hat. “That is not camo. That is bait. Your ‘camouflage’ won’t last three minutes in that god forsaken forest.” She huffed, and turned away.

“Well, if that is how you see my work, then so be it!” She stormed away, or at least in the ladylike version of storming. It was more like pitter-pattering. “I’ll just wallow in my uselessness!” Fucking women. God damn they’re annoying.

“Look, Rarity, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been living in the wilderness for god knows how long. You can’t blame me to view practicality as more important than aesthetics. Especially when practicality is all that keeps me alive.” I said. “Plus, I’ve seen your work. No offense, but they’re... gaudy.”

“Gaudy?! How dare you!” Rarity glared at me, before grudgingly sighing. “And... I suppose you have a point. I shall fix your clothes, and make a few more sets for you to take along. Is that fine?” I nodded, and picked a few bits out of my coin purse.

“Oh no, I couldn’t ask of that from a traveler like yourself! Surely you have some better use of your bits!” She said. I shrugged, thanked her, and left. No sense in saying no to that. I heard her sniff disdainfully.

...I think I was supposed to insist to pay her. Fuck that. I’m no chivalric knight.

Of all of the Elements of Harmony, I only like Twilight and Rainbow Dash.  Fluttershy is a fucking recluse, refusing to talk to anybody. Applejack is completely and utterly unremarkable. Rarity is a snooty bitch. And Pinkie terrifies me. She has powers beyond my comprehension. And she was annoying. Fucking Pinkie Pie.

Twilight is an intellectual, which means she actually makes sense. Even though she’s a bit of a nerd, I’ve got to say. She’s blindly loyal to her princess, which is annoying at times, but I can respect a patriot. They can go extraordinary lengths to save their nation, which, while often suicidal, makes for great entertainment. That was rather insensitive of me.

Rainbow Dash is a bro. She’s one of the few ponies that can actually catch up with me, and after seeing my combat abilities, she has asked for sparring matches between us. She doesn’t stand a chance, of course. I feel like a kung fu master or something. I can fight as well as, and even better then, any warrior, despite not remembering any training. I don’t know. Just more mysteries from my past, I guess.

Speaking of Rainbow, I promised to watch her do stunts. I’ve seen griffins do tricks, but from what I knew, pegasi were more nimble in the air, and although griffins were faster in general, their tricks are hardly as spectacular. Plus, I’m sure RD could beat any griffin when it came to speed. I got Spike to come along, too.

“Yo, RD!” I shouted at a patch of clouds. “I know you’re in there somewhere!” I frowned when nothing appeared. “Uh, Rainbow? You were supposed to show me your moves, remember?” God that sounds wrong.

Then the clouds burst apart and Rainbow came streaking downwards in a burst of rainbow light. If I was anything less of a martial arts expert, I would have been floored. Instead, I reached up and caught her hoof neatly in my hand. She yelped, and quickly swung herself downwards, bringing her fore-hooves down in a crushing arc.

For her benefit, my head actually snapped backwards when she struck. But I recovered soon enough, and went for her wings. Now, for those of you who don’t know, pegasi wings are... sensitive. So when I grabbed Dash’s wings, she squealed and blushed bright scarlet. “Lesson one. Never hesitate to exploit a weakness.” I said, while wrestling her to the ground.

After a few moments I pulled myself up, dusting off my clothes and offering Dash a hand up. She looked at my hand in confusion, before forcefully bucking me in the nuts.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” I yowled, clutching at my crotch. “OH FUCK! SWEET FUCKING JESUS THAT HURT!” My eyes watered. It was the first time I cried from pain since... since Salamandra. Fuck that bitch. Ohhh my balls still remember RD’s kick, which I’ve taken to call the Second Regression. “Ugh...” I lay on my side and curled up into a ball, shivering.

“Lesson learned, egghead.” Fuck you too, you rainbow headed butch. That was a bit too harsh, but gods, it hurt, yo!

“How could you do that, Rainbow Dash?!” Spike, my man, was shouting at RD. “That’s... that’s... there isn’t a word I could use to describe what just happened! I just about FELT that kick, just from the way Never is trying to recuperate right now!” Yeah, you tell her, Spike. Just don’t-

“OH FUCK! SWEET FUCKING CELESTIA THAT HURT!” Now RD was curled up beside me, shivering as well. On her wings were two angry red claw marks, slowly fading away.
“...Nev, I’m sorry. I truly am.”

“Spike, you fucked up.” I kicked, making sure not to use full strength.

“OH FUCK! SWEET FUCKING DRACONA THAT HURT!” Spike screamed, rolling up next to us. He was trembling violently, like me and RD.

“Welcome to the club, Spike.”





“Let me get this straight. So Rainbow kicked Nevermore in his... privates, which must have hurt a lot. Spike, trying to avenge Nevermore, smacked RD’s wings, which happen to be a sensitive area. And Nevermore, trying to teach Spike a lesson, kicked HIM in the privates.” Twilight said slowly. “Am I getting this right?”

“Yep.” I mumbled, ten minutes after the Second Regression. “That sounds about right.” It still hurt to sit. We were in the library, sitting on soft, comfy bean bags and sofas that did not apply unnecessary force on my nether regions. “Sorry about that, Spike.”

“No, I shouldn’t have attacked Dash.” Spike said, looking apologetic. “It was immature of me.”

“Nah, it was my fault. I kicked him, and I started the fight in the first place.” RD said, very sorry looking. “It’s my fault. Yep.” No shit it’s your fault, girl. Now get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

I’m just kidding.

Just then Spike started retching. “Oh shit, are you okay?!” I leaned over in concern, staring at the dry heaving dragon. BLAAARP. Yeah, well, I’ve always wanted singed hair. “What’s the letter this time?”

“Uh... let’s see.” Twilight unraveled the scroll and started reading.

“Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Please open your door.
Your mentor, 
Princess Celestia.”

She finished, looking confused. I laughed. “Well, how’s that for shortest royal letter ever?” I said, snatching over the scroll. “Well, no point in not listening to the princess.”

Twilight sighed, still looking confused. She magic’ed the door open. “...Princess! I, uh, wasn’t expecting you-” Oh shit. Well, I guess this is my chance to see the all-powerful alicorn princess, then.

“At ease, Twilight.” White Magical Horse said, smiling at her pupil. “I’m looking for a certain Nevermore.” Her eyes then fell upon me. Her gentle smile gave way to an expression of curiosity. “...I’ve never seen the likes of you before. Who are you?” She says who, but her underlying message was clear. She meant what am I. 

“My name is Nevermore. A human, the only one in this world.” I said, nodding respectfully at her. “Judging by your appearance, I assume that you are Princess Celestia?” Twilight glared at me hard enough to kill. I forgot that she was a diehard P.C. fangirl.

But Celestia just smiled with a twinkle in her eyes. “So you’re the Nevermore I’ve been hearing about.” She chuckled. “Cleocatra speaks quite highly of you. In... many ways.” She blushed lightly. Did the princess just say that? Oh hell no! I told that cat not to tell anyone!

“Oh... right. Cleo. That was a refreshing week, quite pleasant to my travel weary bones.” I smiled ruefully as I remembered the good old days. “But my traveling days are over, I’m afraid. No more new exciting stories from me. I just want to settle down.”

Celestia sighed. “A shame. Your tales are quite interesting. But, if you truly are looking to stay, Equestria is open to you.” Nice. I knew I could count on white, sparkly magical wing-horses.

Then the sky darkened, and the lights flickered. Loud thunderclaps rang through the sky, shaking the earth. The ponies inside the house toppled like dominoes, save for myself and P.C. A large ball of magical energy started building up in the center of the library, above the table with the horse head.

“Uh, Princess?” I asked, uneasy. “What’s happening?” I’m immune to magic, of course, but from the sheer look of exhaustion on Celestia’s face, I could tell that it was extremely taxing for her to fight the magic emanating from the storm-like orb. “Are you alright?”

“Nay. She is not fine.” A dark blue alicorn emerged from the orb, landed on the table, and crushed it with her magic. Her mane was wavy, like Celestia’s, but it shimmered like the midnight sky, and I could see stars and galaxies imprinted upon it. It was almost like a looking glass into the secrets of the cosmos... And her voice. Sweet Jesus. Her voice was like rolling thunder. “Wicked Destroyer. I will not stand by and watch my subjects fall before you.”

Wicked destroyer? What is she talking about? Before I could ask, the alicorn conjured up a spectral blade. Technically, two blades. Dual hunting knives, each as long as my forearm. She twirled them menacingly, stepping forwards. Then she dove at me, knives flying at my throat. But I still had my magic immunity, right? 

JUMP! Hissed a voice in my mind.

I leapt backwards, barely avoiding the whistling blades. What happened to my immunity again? The blades are summoned. They’e conjured magically, but they’re not magical in essence. Oh. That made a surprising amount of sense. Sadly, making sense wasn’t enough to stay alive.

I ducked a beheading slice. Growling, Miss Crazy Alicorn dispelled the knives and summoned a wicked looking sword. I blinked. Is that the Daedric sword from Skyrim? How did Evil Alicorn know about it?

My wonderings were stopped by a sword nearly embedding itself into my chest. I dodged, twisting to the left. I glared at the alicorn, and plucked the sword from her magic field. I swung the blade, grinning menacingly. Then I charged, bringing the sword down on Miss Evil.

She summoned another sword, easily parrying the strike. “It. Is. ON.” I grinned, and struck at her defenseless side. She summon yet another sword, effectively dual wielding swords. She blocked my attack almost effortlessly.

I sighed. “Must I do this?” Her eyes flashed, and I was suddenly under assault by then different swords. I sidestepped one sword, before batting aside another. I weaved in and out through the churning sea of swords, dodging slashes and shattering spectral weapons. The alicorn looked shocked that I waded through her sea of blades like it was nothing.

A dagger smashed against my side. An axe cracked down on my skull only to shatter on impact. I grabbed a sword with my bare hands, and crushed it like an egg shell. A war hammer bounced right off my chest. I smiled victoriously, and grabbed her horn. “I really wouldn’t piss me off.” I tightened my grip, and her eyes widened in panic. I felt the horn give more and more, until-

“STOP.” Celestia shouted, body slamming me aside. I barely budged, only moving a couple of steps, but let go anyways. “You will NOT break the horn of my sister.” Oh shit, I assaulted royalty? God damn. Just my luck, isn’t it?

...Teaches them not to mess with me.

“But sis!” Princess Evil whined. “He’ll destroy the world! He’s the DESTROYER! From the prophecy!” Fucking prophecies. I really hate oracles, just because they think that they can go around predicting that someone would die or something, without permission. “I know I’m right this time!”

“Luna, this is neither the time or the place for more of your madness. You just assaulted an esteemed guest of honor.” I’m a what now? She turned to address me. “Nevermore, I am truly sorry about our sister. She has been out of touch with civilization for a thousand years. You can imagine why she’s... eccentric.” So she’s unstable.

“I understand entirely, Princess. There are times in my travels when I feel the need to return to modern life is... maddening.” I said. “However, Princess Luna has done no lasting harm, so I’ll bear no grudges.” Fuck yes I’ll bear grudges. The woman just tried to kill me! And when she claims that I’m the subject of some prophecy, I’ll have to assume that she’ll do it again. I don’t trust her, even if she’s a princess.

Luna glowered at me. “You win this time, beast.” Oh hell no. That was hurtful. In all of my travels, I have never been referred to as a beast. 

“I may be a rude vagrant, but I assure you, I am no beast, Princess.” I said, leering. I hate that bitch. “I am but a traveler, trying to get by.” Disgusted by Luna’s behavior, even Celestia looked away from her sister. Ouch. Now I felt sorry for her.

“But... but... the prophecy! He... the two legged destroyer... I... ARGH!” She turned and stormed out of the ruined library, her dropped spectral weapons slowly dissipating into thin air. There was a long silence as Luna’s grumblings slowly disappeared into the distance. I looked around, surveying the destruction caused by Luna’s spree. The furniture was well and truly carved up, the shelves were pretty much bust, and paper shreds littered the floor.

“...To be fair, she did believe that I was some sort of destroyer. And that it was told of in a prophecy.” I said, finally breaking the silence. I felt kind of sorry for Luna now, even though she tried to kill me. “I understand how being not believed by anyone feels like.”

Twilight and the others finally struggled to their feet, staring at the carnage before them. Twilight passed out when she saw the state the library was in.

“Dude. Did you seriously just beat Luna in a sword fight?” Spike said, impressed. “And she’s the princess who actually KNOWS combat magic!” Celestia looked grumpy, but didn’t correct him.

“I’m terribly sorry about my sister. She’s been going on and on about some crazy prophecy by our crackpot of a grandma.” Celestia sighed. For those of you who didn’t know, Celestia’s grandma was the infamous Crystal Orb, the mad oracle of Dephilly. She spouted prophecies all the time, but no one cared about them.

“Princess... forgive me for asking, but are the prophecies actually true?” I asked, carefully. I don’t want both royals after me, for obvious reasons. It was risky, but I had to find out more about myself. I feel like I barely know who I am.

“Of course not... wait...” Celestia fell into silence. The sacking of Trot. The fall of Roam. The Naga Khan. Cleocatra. Nightmare Moon. Discord. All confirmed prophecies. “...I think our grandma knew more than she let on. All these years, I thought she was mad... when she knew exactly what was going on.” Her eyes widened in realization.

“...So am I, or am I not, going to end the world?” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

“Not on my watch, you won’t.” Celestia drew herself to full height.

“I just singlehandedly beat Luna. What can you do?” I asked, unimpressed. But my calm demeanor was just a charade. Inside, my mind was boiling from the revelation. I was the subject of a prophecy. By the ancient oracle of Delphilly. Ho Lee Fuck.

“Uh...”

“Exactly.” I said briskly. “Now, I’ll make sure not to cause the apocalypse. However, I must be bold enough to ask you to trust me. Just be rest assured that I will try my hardest to not be a destroyer.” I reached out a hand. Celestia stared at it, for a moment, before nodding and shaking it with a hoof. I shouldn’t be so calm. I should be freaking out. I’m pretty sure I’m in shock right now.

“Deal.” She said firmly. “However, if you misbehave, I still have ways of destroying you that you never knew of.” I shivered. It’s hard to believe that one of the most powerful beings in the world was so... dark. And that I just defeated one of the princesses of Equestria.

With the threat of death hanging above my head, I shuffled out of the library into the bright sunshine. Fucking sunshine. Always shining on me when I’ve just been threatened. 

“Hey Nev!” Rainbow Dash flew up from behind me, presumably free of whatever had frozen her during my bout with Luna. “What happened back then?! You were just like, Raaaar! And Luna summoned those swords, and you were like Haha! And then you-”

I cut her off before she could continue. “Dash, I really don’t wanna talk about it.”

“... You okay, big guy?” Rainbow Dash is a tomboy. Yes. She’s a rough pony. Undeniable. She’s a dick sometimes. Absolutely true. But there are times when she can play nice, too. Perhaps not as well as maybe Fluttershy, but she was pretty good for someone with a similar mindset. Like me. “Are you... crying?”

“I’m... not.” I touched my eyes. They came away wet. God damn, I’m crying. “It’s just a post-traumatic stress response.” All the while, I leaked tears of withheld fear. 

“Hey, dude, don’t be afraid to cry. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Said Rainbow, clumsily. Clumsily, but also endearingly. She’s awesome that way. “...But seriously, what’s the matter?” She was right, of course. I was crying.

I was calming down, but I still sobbed a bit. “I think I fucked up.” I moaned. “I’ll never get to live in peace at this rate.” I’m not usually this wuss, but I guess the years are catching up.

She slapped me. It fucking hurt. “ALRIGHT. YOU PONY UP THIS INSTANT, YOU SPINELESS MAGGOT! THE WORLD IS A CRUEL PLACE, AND YOU EITHER KILL OR BE KILLED! SO WHICH ONE IS IT?” That is finesse, there. Beautiful.

“...Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” I dried my eyes, grinning weakly. “I don’t have to care about no princess. All that matters is me. How I live my own life.” RD smiled and extended her hoof for a brofist. Hoof. Whatever. I gladly complied. That girl better watch it, or one of these days I might actually respect her...





MEANWHILE, IN THE BATCAVE...

Luna roared as she smashed one of the many obsidian spires jutting up from the ground. Snorting, she levitated the tip of the stalagmite, and, taking careful aim, hurled the sharp projectile into the head of a dummy... in the shape of Nevermore.

“Curse that human! Curse my idiotic sister!” She screamed, casting bolt after bolt of lightning into the charred rag doll. “Grandmother’s predictions were always right! That human will be the end of us. And my own senses tell of a source of chaotic power from the wretched thing!”

If Celestia would not listen, she would make her listen. Tia would see sense when it comes. She is blinded by the novelty of this curious shaved ape, something that Luna did not suffer from. A millennia on the moon does that to you sometimes. 

And the humiliation. The humiliation of being beaten by something that may well be just a glorified monkey. If he was not immune to magic, he would be cut down before he could move...

But he was. Her magic could do nothing against him, and as such she had to think of other ways of disposing of this ‘Nevermore’. Sadly, her main source of power WAS magic. Which meant that she was quite tied down indeed. She had almost no way of defeating the furless freak of nature.

“Perhaps a magically dislodged stone? No, from what I’ve seen, his skin is almost impervious to damage, his strength is immense, and his wit is sharp. Think, Luna, think!” Luna growled as she continued to hurl spears of darkness into the practice dummy, which by now was thoroughly beaten and quickly falling apart. She smiled grimly as the head rolled off, straw coming out of the rip.

“What’s the matter? In trouble? In need of some... power?” The cave seemed to grow colder as whispers filled the large chamber. The air turned icy, and tendrils of frost crept up the walls.

“Who goes there?!” Luna cried, whirling around, horn alight. There was a flash of blue light, and the ice receded quickly. “Show yourself!” She growled, her horn aglow once again.

“I think you know me quite well... After all, we've spent quite a long time together...” The whispers hissed, closing in on Luna. Luna only snarled, firing off blast after blast of magical energy to dispel the intruder.

“BE GONE! WE HAVE NO MORE BETWEEN US!” Luna shrieked, tears in her eyes. One of her blasts struck a stray bit of mist, and the mist hissed. “I WISH NO MORE OF YOU!” The mist chuckled softly.

“You cannot run from me. Anyway, I’m just trying to help you here. The human is strong, and smart. But with me, together, we would be stronger, more intelligent, than anything in the world” The mist curled around Luna’s legs, and she hastily flew upwards with a flap of her powerful wings.

“Why... Why are you helping me?” Luna whispered, keeping an eye on the patch of mist. “We are enemies - sworn enemies. You are the stuff of Nightmare. I am the vanquisher of nightmares, the protector of dreams.” The mist actually burst out laughing this time, roaring in mirth.

“Child, we are not so different. You are but a lonely filly, nothing without her big sister. And I am just mist, unable to do anything more than scare foals in their sleep. But when you and I join forces... power untold of, Luna.” The mist murmured into her ears. Luna felt her guard drop. Of course, she knew she shouldn’t, but... the world mattered more, right? “Of course... In a world ruled by that... that thing, the weak like you and I would be swept away in the tide... unless we stand firm... stand TOGETHER. As one, we will rise above the common rabble, and reign supreme."

“But... my sister...” Luna started, hesitantly. She was hellbent on eradicating Nevermore, but she still cared for Celestia.

“She will have a fighting chance. She is strong enough to survive.” Whispered the mist. “You should know. We fought her before, before she was in her prime. We barely beat her.”

“YOU barely beat her, you mean.” Luna muttered. “I was never in charge.”

“...So is that a yes I hear?” The mist swirled excitedly. “You will be known as the savior, Luna.” Luna sighed, and nodded.

Instantly she felt the cold air seep inside her. The cave was cold enough to begin with, but when the sentient mist started entering her body... Luna felt chilled to the bones Literally. But alongside the cold, she also felt an undertone of... supreme power. Oh yes, it felt good.

Luna sighed happily as the familiar feeling of water running down her back returned. Except it was not water. It was inky blackness, the stuff of evil. It tricked downwards, along her slender legs, pooling around her hooves. She felt the blackness coat herself, wrapping around her body in a pupae of whirling black.

“It has been too long, old friend.” Luna heard herself say, exactly as the darkness spoke. 

She felt the darkness fill her being, taking root in the pit of her heart. And this time, there was no innocent Luna hiding within. She had sold out her soul to save the world. Not even the Elements would be able to stop her. She, and the darkness, were as one.

The black shell slowly peeled away as I tested my new body. It was different from the one I had assumed before, as this time my enemy was different. It was not Celestia. It was the blasted human.

She was ready to fight him, on even footing.

“Ready or not, here I come~” She giggled as she unleashed her power.
> 5. Cue Ball
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up grumpy and entirely unamused. My head hurt, presumably from all the alcohol I drank last night. I body ached all over, and I’m pretty sure the ceiling isn’t supposed to spin. I’m also pretty sure that I shouldn’t have four arms, two shifting in and out of focus.

And I’m damn sure that Twilight isn’t supposed to be in my bed. Why is Twilight in my bed? 

Wait, what?! Why is Twilight in my bed?

“Twilight.” I shook her gently, thinking that she might have an answer. What had happened last night? I remember fighting Luna, hanging out with Dash, boozing myself up, and... getting in bed... with Twilight.

Oh no. Oh shit. Twilight is going to fucking kill me.

“Uh...” Waking her was a big mistake. I swore silently to myself, using every insult possible. She opened her eyes. I prepared to run. And then several things happened at once.

One, her eyes widened in panic once she realized where she was.

Two, I leapt off the bed and ran for the door.

Three, she levitated a very weighty object and hurled it at my head.

I crumpled on impact, toppling down the stairs and landing in a dazed pile, in front of Spike, who’s eyes were red from sleep deprivation. He yawned hugely, staring at me blearily. “Oh. You’re up. Finally.” Finally? What does he mean by that? “You two were going at it all night, I didn’t think you’d stop...” FUCK. OH SHIT WHAT.

I heard the upstairs door burst open. “You said what, Spike?” Twilight asked, deathly calm. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as I predicted a terrible end to this terrible situation. “What did you just say?” Beads of sweat formed on Spike’s brow as he looked desperately at me. I just shrugged and slowly backed away. My message was clear: I value my life too much, bro. He glared at me angrily, and I relented.

“I’m sure Spike meant something else, something that ISN’T what you’re thinking...” I started, waving my hand at Spike. Come on, back me up here. “What were we doing, exactly?” Please oh please oh PLEASE say...

“You were discussing the practical applications of magic and science, and which would be more effective in different situations.” Spike said. Both Twilight and I exhaled explosively at that, and Twilight smiled apologetically at me. Fucking woman, always fucking overreacting. No need to chuck shit around, you know. “You showed no signs of stopping, even though it was well into midnight, Twi. I had to move downstairs, but then you started shouting and I couldn’t get a wink of sleep for the whole night.”

Thank God. I really don’t want Twilight to kick me out of the library, especially before I find a job. Speaking of jobs, I have to find something to do soon. 

Spike turned and headed for the kitchen, but not before bending down and whispering, “You were on the receiving end of Sparkle’s Rapid Fire Debating Vocabulary. I pity you, I really do.” Kid, I don’t remember anything from last night, but if my splitting headache is anything to go by, I really do deserve your sympathy.

Twilight teleported down and knelt beside me. “Are... are you okay?” She asked, tentatively poking at the massive lump that swelled up on top of my head. “That... looks like it hurts.” No shit, Sherlock.

“I was brutally assaulted by the vicious lavender unicorn,” I joked, glaring at her. “Do I look okay?” I glared at her some more, before giggling a bit. Her face was priceless. “Heh, just kidding. I’m fine, and the pain will fade in time. I’ve been through worse. That time Tyrone flattened me with his massive war axe, for example.”

“Tyrone?” Twilight asked, curious.

“Minotaur warlord. Nasty business. Owned a magical war axe called Deathreaver.” I grunted, rubbing the lump on my head. “Rips the spirit right out of your body. Annoying little bugger.”

“I... what? How does that work?” Twilight said, perplexed. “The spirit? Some sort of life energy, maybe...” 

I sidled off, having successfully distracting Twilight. “I’mma just go and hang with Rainbow...” She nodded offhandedly, engrossed in understanding what spirit was.



I yawned as I strode down the streets of Ponyville, not looking for anything in particular. The birds chirped. The sun shone brightly. The air was crisp and warm. A light breeze swept through the town. Fucking. Idyllic.

Then my stomach rumbled in a very un-idyllic manner. Fucking stomach. Maybe I should pay Pinkie a visit. Even though she terrified me. She has powers, man. She’s not normal. And her cupcakes will probably give me diabetes in the long run.

“Hey.” I said, grabbing the attention of a nearby mare. She squeaked and tried to run, but I grabbed her saddlebags and sighed. Fucking racist ponies. “I’m not going to bite, you know. I just want to know where I can get a decent lunch.”

She blushed, obviously ashamed at her behavior. “Oh. Sorry. Uh, I think the Cue Ball Cafe and Bar has a nice lunch set. Sunshine’s Salad, too.” Also what’s with the alliteration? “Have a nice day.” Then she trot off briskly, much faster than before. I watched as she scurried off to ‘safety’.

“Cue Ball Cafe, huh...” I mused, thinking. It was a few streets away from here, next to a flower shop. The girls running the shop are quite the lookers, too. A bit melodramatic, but... DAMN, dem hips!

Ahem. Where was I? Oh yes. Cue Ball was a friend of mine, you know. We met when she was on a trip to the Griffin kingdom. She was scouting out booze recipes, and I was... I dunno. Searching for the meaning of life? Following the little voice in my head? I dunno. Being me.

I wonder if she knows that I’m in town. I grinned as I thought about how I could surprise her, scaring a few other ponies in the process. My longer than most canines probably didn’t help. I hate being a carnivore amongst herbivores. I don’t get how the griffons can stand it. At least it parted the street like Moses.

And DAMN, I just noticed that Roseluck was out today. Her lustrous red mane is... mmmm... “Hey, Roseluck.” I said, sauntering over.

“THE HORRO- Oh, hi Nevermore.” She said, smiling sheepishly. “What’s up?”

“I want to buy a bouquet of...” I said, thinking. What did Cue Ball like again? Daffodils? Wait, no... They were yellow, but not daffodils. “Uh...”

Rose sighed, and pulled out a piece of paper and a quill. “Here, what about you sketch it out, and describe it to me?” Smart woman, she is. I nodded, and started drawing.

“The petals are like so, and yellow colored... The leaves are sort of like this... wait, a bit more... yeah, like that. And...” I bit my tongue lightly while drawing, finally completing the sketch of the mystery yellow flower.

“Ah! That, my friend, is a Yellow Columbine.” Roseluck smiled, turned, and trotted into the shop. Her voice wafted out from inside. “I think... got a few... in here... there we are!” She emerged beaming, holding a bouquet of yellow flowers. “Here you go.” She paused. “If you don’t mind, why are you buying this bouquet?” Her smile grew sly. “Have you got yourself a mare somewhere, Nevermore?”

“...Of sorts. Not the way you think, but close enough.” I shrugged. “Thanks for the flowers.” I tossed a few bits into the air, and she caught them neatly in a basket. God knows how these ponies hold things like that.

“Hey, have you heard about the most recent news in town?” Rose said, mysteriously. I don’t gossip, so I shook my head. “Word is, Princess Luna went full crazy, locking herself in her room and talking about the ‘end of the world’.” Oh shit. I have a sneaking suspicion that I fit into this mad situation.

“Does this rumor mention anything about a destroyer...?” I asked, hesitantly. I really didn’t like this. If I’m driving royalty nuts, I could be in serious trouble. “The cause of destruction or something?”

“Not really... It’s more just generic doomsday material.” Rose said. “But right now, let’s talk about this mare of yours.” Her smile deepened sinisterly.

“It’s really not what you think...” What else could a guy say? Women gotta gossip, man.

She shot me another sly grin, before turning to another customer. Fucking women. Always prying. But soon I found myself standing before the Cue Ball Cafe, and I took a deep breath. Making as little noise as possible, I snuck inside, and flitted across to the counter.

Cue Ball’s a pure white earth pony, with a slightly gray mane and brilliant red eyes - an albino. She had a knack for maintaining entertainment establishments, thus her name, Cue Ball. Snooker was her forte. At that moment her back was turned, probably pouring a drink or something. Perfect. She stopped the tap, turned around, and...

“Nevermore?!” She cried, surprised. She dropped the mug she was holding, which I caught and set down on the table.

“Any other humans in Equestria?” I asked, jokingly. “Of course it’s me.” I grinned, and enveloped her in a bear hug. “Gods, I missed your booze.” I murmured.

“Which ones?” She murmured back.

“All of them, Cue. All of them.” I licked my lips, knowing how wrong the conversation was getting. Oh the innuendos.

“Baby, you’ll have all the time in the world to drink my booze.” She whispered, suggestively. Then we both sniggered, and burst out laughing.

“Glad to see that somethings never change.” I said, offering the bouquet.

“Why, Nev! You remembered!” Cue Ball said, taking a bite out of the flowers. “Mmmm, yum. D’you know what does Yellow Columbine symbolize?” 

“I’m not much for symbolism. Flowers are flowers. And that’s all.” I said, firmly. My ma always told me to never listen to that crazy horoscope nonsense.

“Yellow Columbines stand for mischief, and bad luck, amongst other things.” Her ruby eyes twinkled distractingly. God, she’s pretty. Ack! Focus, Nev. Focus. 

“Why would you eat bad luck, then?” I asked, genuinely confused. That’s just stupid, and silly. “If it’s BAD luck?”

“Sometimes, a bit of bad luck can spice up your day.” She smiled, offering me a drink. I took it and downed it in one. Oh damn! Cue Ball’s special honey mead brew. Sweet ‘n strong, just like the pony.

“Honey mead?” I said, grinning like a fool. It’s been a long time since I tasted it. She nodded. “Just like the old times.” In the beginning, the only booze she knew how to make was thin honey mead. Based on the booze from back home, I helped her in her quest of brewing. She brewed booze after booze after booze, and I sampled every batch. Those were the days, when I was drunk almost 24/7.

“Hey, Cue! A salad and a whisky, thanks!” Shouted a random stallion. “No mayoneighse!” Mayoneighse. Oh gods I’ll never get used to the horse puns.

“Coming!” She returned, and smiled apologetically at me. “We’ll catch up later, when business eases up, kay?” I nodded, and settled down, occasionally sipping at my mead. I watched as ponies came and went, ordering food and drink, having fun, and chatting their time away. I struck up a conversation with a middle aged stallion, talking about all sorts of things. Women. Drink. Things to do to pass the time. Cake.

Eventually, the din of noise slowly petered out as customers started draining from the cafe. Only a few frequenters remained, still happily drinking away. Cue sighed as she cleaned the inside of a cup. “There’s always light after the storm.” She quoted some famous person. “We weathered the storm, and now we get a little peace.” The drinkers raised their mugs to that, including myself.

“Attention! Attention, fellow drunkards!” Cue tapped a crystal bottle with her spoon, turning it into a makeshift bell. “Today we have a new customer! But not just any customer - this is my old friend, Nevermore!” There was a smatter of applause, which died off quickly. 

“If it weren’t for him, I would never have opened this cafe-slash-bar. He helped me develop my special honey mead brew, which you all know very well.” There was a roar of approval as the drinkers applauded my brave deed. I love drunks.

“So, Nev. What have you been doing since Gryphus?” She asked, sitting down in front of me. I scratched my chin, thinking for a while. 

“I fought a few dragons in Draconia, then I went to the Mist Forest.” I said, finally.

“Mist Forest? You visited the Deerfolk?”

“Well, if you count nearly being gored to death and chased out, yeah. I ‘visited’ them.” I said, smiling bitterly at that memory. The Deerfolk don’t appreciate large predators in their cities. “It wasn’t a nice experience.” There was a lengthy silence as Cue polished her mugs and I drank my booze. 

“...Met any more mares- that is, females, that you fancy?” Cue asked, smirking. But behind that smirk, I thought I detected the barest hints of bitterness. It can’t be blamed. Everybody wants a share of Nevermore.

“Not really.” I said, nonchalantly. I saw a flicker of hope in her eyes. Yep. She wants a piece of me. She’s awfully easy to read, even by pony standards. Then an evil thought flitted across my mind. Time to play mind games. “Well, there is the one...” She deflated again. Oh Jesus this amusing as fuck.

“...Who?” She asked, probably just trying to get the conversation out of the way.

“Oh, she’s wonderful. Kind. Pretty. Strong willed.” I said, counting off my fingers. “She’s an owner of a popular establishment, see. Smart, too. Knows her business.” I stole glance at Cue. She looked wholly disheartened, her ears drooped and her eyes downcast. Oh gods, now I feel bad. Shit. “You wanna know her name?” I asked. She nodded halfheartedly, quietly setting down the glass she was polishing.

“Her name’s Cue Ball.” I grinned, and stuck out my tongue. She looked up, stunned. Then her eyes started glimmering with tears and she leapt over the counter, knocking me and my chair over and trapping me in a bone crushing embrace.

“You stupid, stupid idiot.” She whispered, hugging me. “Don’t ever do that again.” I grinned and sat up, sweeping her off her feet.

I deftly filled a glass with mead and held it up to Cue. “A drink, for my lady fair?” Real smooth like, Nev. Real smooth. Just like the time you charmed a giant squid. Wait no, bad example. I don’t want my arse violated again.

She tutted disapprovingly. “Still shabby with your charming skills, Nev.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Oh? How so?” I asked. I’m pretty sure I nailed down all the basics already.

“First, never try to charm a lady after tricking her just seconds ago.” She said, pulling out a blackboard out of nowhere. And when I say nowhere, I mean literally nowhere. Fucking fourth wall. She started writing down her advice.

“Second, mead is hardly the drink for a couple.” She said, opening a cabinet and taking a bottle. “Wine is preferable, and ALWAYS have a scented candle for maximum effect.” She set down a pale blue candle and lit it.

“Three... unless you’re sure they dig it, don’t sweep mares off their feet. Makes them feel weak.” She said, scratching it down on the blackboard. Then she realized that all the drunks were staring at us. One of them whistled suggestively.

“You get her, lad!” Shouted another. Cue glared at him, but still blushed never less. He giggled drunkenly. Because he was drunk. Heh. Fuck, I think I’m getting a bit too boozed. “Yer missin’ the chance of the century, if ya don’t take ‘er!” 

“Shaddap! You... you’re drunk!” I cried, woozily shaking a fist at him. Then I downed another cup of booze.

“Who’re yew ta say?!” He said, staggering to his feet. Erm, hooves. He looked ready to leap into drunken bar combat.

“You want a piece of me?” I shot to my feet as well. “Come get some!” I roared, and charged. Now, normally, ponies won’t stand a chance against me. I’m much stronger, much faster, and can take one hell of a beating before going down. But now I’m drunk. I can’t use my strength well, I can’t even run, and I’m half passed out as it is.

I promptly fell over. The stallion stared in surprise, before growling and at leaping at me.  Cue Ball moved to intervene, but I called out “It’s fine! I need the practice anyway!” and she stopped, although still looking worried.

The stallion sailed right over me, his depth perception messed up by alcohol. “What?! How did you dodge that?” He exclaimed, surprised.

“Ninja skills!” I blubbered, standing back up and throwing a punch at the stallion. I missed, and crumpled to the floor. However, I lashed out with my legs, and managed to clip the stallion on the shoulder. He yelped, but didn’t give in, and bucked me in the guts as I tried to regain my footing. 

Fortunately my body of steel hadn’t abandoned me in my time of need. All the buck did was push me backwards a few steps. The stallion, however, turned quickly and struck me with his sharp forehooves.

I winced, but stood firm. I lunged and knocked the drunkard over, striking at each other’s faces in the world famous fighting style known as cat fighting.

It was glorious.

Halfway into the scuffle, things started getting awkward.

I scrambled to my feet, only to be knocked down from behind by the drunken and angry stallion. He pounded at my back, to little effect. He quickly grew tired, and his blows slowed and weakened.

Then I felt something hard touch my thigh. I shrugged off the feeling, concentrating on trying to shake off the stallion. He snarled, applying ever more pressure on his hooves. Then I realized he wasn’t hitting me anymore. He was trying to hold me down.

“Get off me!” I shouted, slapping at his face. He didn’t budge, but his features were twisted in a mix between a sneer and a grin. I shook my body as hard as I could, to no avail.

Then he stuck his head next to mind, and whispered into my ear. “So, Morning Flower, how’d you like me now?” 

...What? 

“D’you want me now?” He panted. Lustily.

Oh shit.

“CUE BALL! HELP!” I screamed, kicking out hard. Unfortunately, I was completely pinned down and was unable to move. Fuck! Cue Ball moved in to help, but she was warded off with a snarl from the drunk.

“Come close and I’ll kill her!” He screeched, biting onto my hair. Cue Ball looked horrified, but she didn’t come closer. Instead, she ran out of the shop, hopefully to find help. The cafe was now empty, the other customers having fled when we started fighting.

“Now, my dear, we’re alone...” He said, breathing lustfully. I felt something hard brush against my buttocks, something that was definitely not a hoof.

“NEVER!” I growled, smashing my head into his chin, sending him reeling. His hold on me loosened, and I too the chance, grabbing his... shaft... in my hands, and twisted it forcefully. He screamed in pain, and brought both of his hooves down on my skull.

The blow left my ears ringing and made my head swim. I fought the urge to blackout. The stallion held me once again, and this time he was snarling. “Don’t fight back, Morning Flower! SUBMIT TO ME!” He started to lower himself onto me.

It wasn’t the first time my back hole was violated - but this was the first time an actual male did the deed. It was humiliating, and it was both mentally and physically painful. I winced as he went, his tongue lolling out in drunken pleasure. Between the pain and the humiliation, I was barely able to remain conscious, let alone fight back. It has been a long time since I was this powerless. I really didn’t like it.

By the time he was finished, I was in tears, from pain, from fear, and from sheer exhaustion. I couldn’t move a muscle, even if I wanted to. The stallion collapsed next to me, completely spent and overcome by alcohol.

Cue Ball and her reinforcements found me on the floor, curled up and shivering.

I... I don’t feel like continuing.
> An Explanation.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Agent of Chaos will be on hiatus until... indefinite point in time.

Basically, school came, bent me over, and fucked me in the ass like the bitch that I am.

So, yeah.

Have fun.