The saddest thing in the world.
Day by day month by month year by year we grew together. Derpy still couldn't talk days were still grey I had completely forgotten about my job, but I could care less do to Derpy always being here with me 20 long years of us me and Derpy happily living. She knew how to write very short letters, and would put them in my mailbox. She would say "I've been so happy since I met you protect me forever please <3 derpy" her e's would always be backwards that made me chuckle. So I went to my mailbox today usually Derpy only puts one letter in the mailbox a day, but today there were 2.
Dumbfounded I opened Derpy's letter first. It said, "You were there for me when I hurt my hoof i'll never forget that day I love you... dad <3 Derpy" I was in tears at that letter I was so happy I hadn't just raised a friend...
but a daughter.
I opened the next letters that wasn't signed it simply said,
"your time is up"
Right at the moment I finished reading that letter I heard a loud buzzing noise.I woke up... not in my bed tho. When I came to m senses, I saw whiteness all around me. I realized I was in the hospital. When I asked why I was here the nurse simply said,"One day you were called in for work you got hit on the head by a girder, and have been in a coma for 20 years".
I couldn't believe it.I rushed home asap to find Derpy, but she was nowhere to be found.... Nowhere I had lost it then I was crying my heart out.
2 years passed. It's my birthday again. Nothing new nothing exciting just thinking about my parents and Derpy how happy those 20 years was laughing opening xmas presents having a pal.... a daughter for the first time.For some reason I thought about the mailbox I looked inside, and there were 2 notes there. I quickly opened one that wasn't signed it said,
"Dear human it has come to my attention that you have found a pony by the name of Derpy I sent her to you 20 years ago as a test. My name is Twilight Sparkle. I see there are some humans with heart I want you to write me back,because I have a proposal for you."
I quickly opened the second letter.
It said "Daddy I miss you, I was nothing in this land,but a background pony with no friends,because I would always wreck or ruin something I had to hide my sadness with a smile, but you have taught me that I am something special, and you are to. I love you daddy <3 Derpy."
I quickly wrote twilight back,and within seconds I received a letter it said "Dear human thank you for replying. I want to bring you to ponyville as a pony to see how humans can deal with that type of situation.
I wrote back (excitedly) yes yes please take me away from this terrible place.
With that I found myself floating away from my body. As I examined it I saw a gun lying next to me.As I was consumed by grey and darkness. I realized I had made it all up in my head as a crutch to deal with my life... I woke up the next day. It wasn't grey or gloomy,but bright sun shiney happy I heard laughing from outside. Before I could open my eyes I heard the words.... Daddy? (The end)
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When I went over this with spell check everything was spelled correctly and whatnot. So idk what you mean.
TS;DR
Needs to be proofread. Uses too many cliches and tropes. Unoriginal in many senses. Chapters are too short as well. I suggest you try again with a different story.
Rating: 3 out of 10
Thanks for honest feedback! I know it's copied from alot of stuff, but this is my first story I rushed into it. My next one will be better and proofread checked :)
Hey...this story made me smile a little even though the tone was...(pause for pun)...gray. A man with nothing left in his life is given a chance to bring light into it only to find out he had been in a coma. The ending was pretty good as well. Heck I would have a letter written 3 seconds before I was given the chance to go to equestria too. Some of us wish for something more and the main c got it. Thanks for a great read...really gave me a boost today.
3069807 thank you for reading i'm glad it boosted your day. Sometimes taking a huge chance in life is worth it. You just have to be able to take that first step.
What I can see that people will hate on is that it is the same human with a sad backstory trope thing, and that it is similar to My little dashie kinda but other than that and grammar and that kind of stuff it was okay
3070293
It was also kinda short two sorry for forgetting that
(For all who read this) It is meant to be a small story, because later on ill be making stories about what they did during the 20 years they spent together.