Discordant Awakenings
Twilight felt light against her closed eye lids. It was a nuisance she was prepared to ignore had it not been for the consistent feeling of the intensity of said light growing ever more so with each passing minute. She assumed that it was merely the sun peeking through the room’s purple curtains.
The annoyance that came with its disruptive rays was aggravating. As an alicorn, Twilight required only the minimum amount of sleep a pony needed but the luxury of sleeping for eight or more hours was not something Twilight intended to give up willingly. Apparently alicorn’s only required around four hours sleep and if necessary absolutely no sleep at all as long as it was temporary. The idea in itself was fascinating but Twilight had still not adapted as such.
She still got exhausted long before Celestia and Luna did. She supposed that with her development she would eventually gain the same endurance and abilities that they possesed but for now she had to make due. Twilight made a mental note to study her current capabilities later so she could graph the gradual change over time, but for now she slept.
Yet Twilight also remembered Luna’s comment on how Celestia would still be exhausted come morning. Apparently Celestia didn’t want to give up the luxury of long sleeping hours either. Twilight would have snorted had she been awake, which oddly enough was becoming an increasingly growing possibility due to the continuing obnoxiousness of the light. Luna slept quite long as well considering her status but it was still well short of what Twilight was used to. Twilight scrunched her nose in irritation. Huffing in defeat she attempted to pull the blankets above her head. Much to her dismay she couldn't seem to find them.
Frustrated beyond belief Twilight decided to wake up. While doing so the thought of eternal night didn’t seem like such a bad idea in her position.
With blurred eyes, Twilight blinked furiously. She was extremely distorted by her awakening though she also put that down to the blinding light around her. What she was greeted with when her vision cleared, was something she was unable to comprehend fully in her current state.
Rather than the cosy comfort of her bed, she had been displaced into a completely white room not too dissimilar in appearance to an operating theatre. There were no walls or any landmark to signify that it was an actual place. As Twilight’s vision became less blurred, she looked all around her only to find she was mistaken. There was actually something in the semingly utterutterly barren landscape. A lone figure dressed in white. Twilight frowned upon immediate recognition of said figure.
“Welcome to the afterlife Miss Sparkle. You’re dead.” said Discord in a serious tone. Somewhere in the background she could have sworn she hear Rainbow Dash go ‘dun dun dunnnnn’.
“Discord what the hell is going on,” growled Twilight. “Why in Celestia’s name did you wake me and take me to…wherever place this is.”
“I told you. You’re dead. This is the afterlife.” Discord smiled with his usual smug expression. “And I am God.”
“Discord you are not God,” chuckled Twilight.
“Blasphemy. You’re lucky I don’t cast you out or smite you or something,” said Discord off handily. “You actually died in what you perceived as months ago, when the Elements of Harmony killed you after you completed the second sentence of Starswirls spell. Ironic that spell based on Harmony would blast you into a million pieces but what can you do. Those are the works.”
Discord expected Twilight to be on her knees in tears or begging for deliverance. Maybe even a bit of denial or perhaps some praying. Instead the reaction he received was less amusing. A hearty chuckle followed by Twilight vigorously shaking her head.
“No. Just no. I am not dead. I refuse to believe that the afterlife is run by you. The universe is not so badly designed.”
“Well,” said Discord closing his eyes. “If you require more evidence of your post mortem then I’ll just…”
“Oh Discord?”
“Yes what is it can’t you see I’m trying to provide exposition, you insufferable amoeba of a pony,” growled Discord.
“Your fly is down.”
"What?" Discord looked down to his legs but before he could say anything Twilight had crossed the distance of the room and tapped Discord with her horn. With a glow of purple energy and a flash of light the two blinked out of existence. The white walls were replaced by the not so lively statue garden of Canterlot.
Discord fell to the floor and remained like a flattened pancake for several moments before making a ‘boing’ noise and springing back into a full 3D form again.
“You’re such dunce you know that. To think Celestia once considered you an evil puppet master.”
“I am a puppet master. What’s to say this isn’t all a part of my grand scheme,” said Discord with a haughty tone as he tried to fix his 2D arm back into 3D.
“Yeah, brilliant grand scheme,” said Twilight sarcastically. “What purpose would you informing me that I’m dead, exactly accomplish? How on earth can you manipulate me if I were dead? Honestly I don't think you thought this through."
Discord stuck up his hand to counter only to hesitate and sigh in defeat moments later. He made a drooping sound as his body wilted like a flower onto its side.
“Okay you got me. There is no grand scheme but you didn’t have to ruin a perfectly good prank you know. It was gonna involve time travel and aliens and the fate of the universe but no. You have to be just like Celestia,” groaned Discord. "A stick in the mud is what you are. You wouldn’t know fun if it was shoved up your back-”
“Shut up Discord. Take me back to bed now.”
“Oh,” Discord purred maliciously. “Don’t you think it’s a bit soon for that I mean we haven’t even had dinner yet.” With a snap of his fingers, a romantic picnic setting with basket, pock-dotted table cloth, a discord figure holding up a lavender smelling candle and a radio spurting out romantic music was set out in front of Twilight who was now wearing red lipstick and a stunning red dress... Discord then ran a claw along Twilight’s face. “But I think we can skip it…”
Discord had little time to react before a hoof smashed him in the face sending him sprawling across the garden. The setting and dress disappeared rather quickly as the Discord got up holding his nose. His stared incredulously at Twilight.
“You hit me! Celestia never hit me,at least never with her hoof.”
“I’m not Celestia, Discord and I’m not impressed with your little parlour tricks.”
“But you struck me! ME! Isn’t that against everything you and your little posse stand for.”
“You’re an immortal god with almost omnipotent powers, I think one little smack to that mug of yours is not going to affect you,” replied Twilight unimpressed. “Plus personal space, learn about it you creep. I’m not the little unicorn you could bully two years ago.”
“Bah, you’re still easy to provoke little Sparky,” taunted Discord as he hovered above Twilight, who was steadily making her way back to the castle. "But physical violence, for shame Miss Sparkle." Discord shook his head in disappointment as he wagged his finger at her. “Has your mentor not taught you better? No speech about bettering myself and working towards the community around me? No judgemental looks of disappointment or contempt. I mean that's pratically all your little mentor does now adays when I'm around. Oh you should hear somedays."
Discord cleared his throat before morphing his head into a crude buck toothed, slack jawed mockery of Celestia’s face. “Oh Discord don’t do that. Oh Discord put that child down. Oh Discord don’t make the ambassador’s birthday cake be full of snakes. Oh Discord stop playing jungle music at three in the morning.”
“I’m not indulging you, you troglodyte. Go off and steal candy from a baby or build a ginger bread house or something.”
“Miss Dictionary.”
“Public menace.”
“Buzz kill.”
“Detriment to society.”
“Moon cuddler.”
Twilight gave a shocked glance towards Discord who barked out laughter upon seeing her face.
“You’re priceless Princess Twilight. I mean come on. Only a moron could have not noticed the way you and her make googly eyes at each other every time you’re in a room together.” Discord's eyes rolled around in their sockets. Twilight frowned deeply.
“So the entire government and public are morons according to you?”
“My statement still stands.”
“Why must you do this to me Discord? I’m already under a lot of pressure. I‘ve got a busy schedule coming up for the next week but nooooo, my one weekend off in ages and you decide to ruin my few sleeping hours. You’re some piece of work you know that.”
“I know. You’re staring at the epitome of masculinity here baby.” Discord then flexed his muscles which much to his disappointment drooped due to them being minuscule. Twilight began to laugh at him before he clicked his fingers and he devolved massive biceps.
The disadvantage was that it had off set his sense of balance in his upper body as he floated along thus causing his head to sink towards the floor. His legs then proceeded to flail uselessly in the air as he grated his head against the stone path much to Twilight’s amusement. Discord eventually managed to stop this by whisking away the burdensome muscles.
“I was meant to do that.”
“Keep telling yourself that. Maybe if you try hard enough you actually might find a pony gullible enough to fall for lies.”
“Ponies like your friends. Who if my memory serves me right and it often does not, fell for my so called ‘gullible’ lies.”
“You got lucky. Smoke and mirrors. That’s what you are Discord. I suppose an old man like yourself has trouble dealing with today’s youths,” sighed Twilight melodramatically.
“OLD! Why the insolence of you. Why back in the day I was quite the athletic whippersnapper. I used to rough it up Queensbury style with Celestia."
The surroundings then changed to a black and white arena with Discord garbed in boxer shorts and gloves while wearing a ridiculously curly moustache. He jumped around Twilight making fake punches at her. While a crowd of black and white ponies cheered on and an announcer smoking a cigar yammered on about the ‘fight of the century’.
“I can tell you it was all quite barbaric. Good ol’ Discord certainly knew how to throw a punch.”
Twilight was content to ignore the antics of the chaos lord. It was a skill she had greatly developed with Celestia’s help. There was no point in actually fighting Discord, especially after just getting up. So Twilight did the one thing that grated the serpent’s nerves to no end. She hummed a slight tune and carried on like nothing was happening. She distracted herself by looking over some of the natural flora as she left the statue garden.
Discord naturally tried to gain her attention through some random acts. Like making a dictionary fly around her, which was supposed to be some sort of crude representation of her or making the bushes eat the birds and finally pretending to break down in tears and claim he had no one to talk to and that he was all alone in the world.
After it failed to have an effect on the lavender alicorn he decided to try and indulge Twilight’s curiosity and lust for knowledge. Off handed remarks about significant magic developments or magical theories that would astound even the most stoic of magical researchers.
Twilight was actually listening just not actually making it look like she was. Who ever thought Discord believed the universe was doughnut shaped?
Eventually Twilight exited the garden passed some guards. They were about to ask their princess if she needed anything though quickly held their tongues upon noticing the guest the princess had currently rambling next to her. A large grimace passed over each of their faces. Needless to say, the former tyrant of Equestria was not popular or well liked amongst the guard. Many of whom still remember how Discord had changed them into tasty confectionaries or lamp shades not but two years previous.
As Discord approached they tensed slightly. Discord noticed and donned a wicked smile as he passed. As he passed the two guards relaxed until they felt a presence behind them. They both turned slowly to face what was behind them to find Discord with fire coming out his eyes, teeth as sharp as razor blades and a disturbingly wide grin that reminded the two guards of a dragon.
“Boo!”
The two guards jumped and stumbled about. Falling over ne another until they were in a very compromising position on top of each other with their hooves tangled, Discord hollered laughter out for a straight minute before the two guards separated and tried to resume their posts with as much dignity as they could muster. Discord gestured at them with his thumb to a still unflinching Twilight as his face returned to normal.
“These guys, I can work on. They know how to have a laugh unlike you little miss prissy.” Discord stuck out his tongue in a childish fashion before the tongue soon came to life an attempted to leave Discord’s mouth. He caught just in time and shoved it back in his mouth as it struggled helplessly. The commotion ceased when Discord made a clicking noise before sighing pleasantly.
“Brilliant. Go bother them for a while.”
“I will,” stated Discord. “You must be so busy playing kissy with the princess that you neglect your true friends.”
“Like you,” barked Twilight sceptically.
“I’ve always considered you a friend Sparky. I mean who could resist such a pudgy little cute face of yours.” Discord then pinched one of Twilight’s cheeks. Twilight attempted to smack him with a spell again but he pulled away before it could materialise. “Anyway I’m not the one with the date with a bunch of foreigners over the next few days, I've got other things to be doing. Chaos is a tireless mistress and I am but her humble servant.” He then fainted onto an imaginary couch while holding his hand up to his head.
“What do you mean foreigners? What date?” asked Twilight as she turned to see Discord behind her once more.
“Oh they didn’t tell you; oh that’s rich,” laughed Discord as he resumed his normal stance. A normal stance according to Discord was moonwalking in mid-air. Twilight was not surprised in the least by this.
“Why were you informed of state affairs before me?” Snapped Twilight. “You don’t even have an official job here.”
“Yes I do,” protested Discord. “I am the royal advisor.” Discord drew his claw along his chest to reveal a bright golden badge in the place of a patch of fur moments ago. It sparkled in the sun light. He tapped it as he held a proud smile.
“See royal advisor. Plain as day to se-, hey give it back!” shouted Discord as Twilight quickly snatched it from him. She looked over it as a magical force field held back the flailing Discord.
“Hmmmm. This kind of looks like one of those cheap prizes you win in a cereal box.” Twilight pointed to the letters on the badge. “It even says ‘cowboy sheriff’ with a sticker of a wheel.” Discord shattered the field Twilight held and grabbed the ‘badge’ from her.
“I am the royal advisor! I could advise you to go to jail, you know.”
“Does anypony actually listen to your advice?”
“Yes! I give wonderful advice.”
“And Tierak babysits foals in his spare time when he’s not in Tartarus,” quipped Twilight as she rolled her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time today.
“We don’t know that,” replied Discord. “Guy could be a big softie for all we know. You know behind all the death and destruction and anger issues and stuff…and his decapitation fetish. Yeassh How would that ev-?”
“I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!” Boomed Twilight. “Good day Discord. Now please leave me alone. If what you say is true about the ambassadors, which I doubt it is, then I need to talk to Luna.”
“Oh that will be a fascinating talk," sneered Discord. “Ciao Miss Sparkle, I have some ‘work’ to do. Apparently there is a sewage problem in Manhatten if my ‘Chaos sense’ is correct.” Twilight mouthed the word ‘chaos sense’. It sounded like some knock off of a power one of Spike’s comic book heroes had. “It’d be a shame if I didn’t ‘help’ them in there hour of need.” With a flash the troublesome chimera popped out of existence, much to Twilight’s relief. She could now finally spend the trip back to the bedroom in peace.
The trip was an uneventful affair. She occasionally came across some guards who bowed their heads in reverence. Twilight had given up trying to tell them to do otherwise. She also passed some nobles who had looked like they had just come from court. When Twilight passed they nodded to her in acknowledgement but the stares they gave were rather icy. Twilight was well aware of how disliked she was by the nobility of Canterlot. She doubted that would change anytime soon. She wished she could teleport but scrapped the idea considering that she was in public, in a hall and not around friends or family. It was considered quite rude to teleport in a public establishment. It was especially rude to do so in a state establishment like the palace. She may have been a princess but she had to maintain an appearance of normality and similarity to an average everyday pony. She could not merely flaunt her ‘fancy magic’ skills around the palace as one obnoxious earth pony noble said to her once. So she walked. It helped anyway to clear her head after her encounter with Discord.
When she eventually arrived back to her room she found a note on the bedside drawer. It was from Luna and it stated that the moon princess had gone out to deal with something and would be back by one. It also said that Luna needed to talk to Twilight about something. Anxiety and fear began to rack Twilight’s brain as she began to consider that maybe Discord wasn’t lying when he said she’d be meeting foreign diplomats.
‘But I’m not prepared if that’s the case. Oh sweet Celestia I don’t even have my notes! What am I going to do? I’ll fail and make myself the laughing stock of the nation,’ scrambled together Twilight’s panic stricken thoughts. She breathed heavily into a paper into the pillow that she had taken from her bed. ‘Calm down Twilight. Luna will sort everything out. No need to panic. Just remember if you fail at least you can pick up some interesting rocks to study from the moon. Yeah rocks. Rocks are like books except they’re rocks. Yeah just like books.’ Twilight reviewed what she had just been stating. ‘Sweet Celestia I need a therapist.’
Weighing up her options she eventually decided she would need to study all the cultural aspects of the ambassadors…again. Learn some gracious greetings in several different languages and make sure that she drew up the personal files of each ambassador from the Equestrian Intelligence Service. Yes it would all be that simple. ‘I’ll just account for every possibility. That’ll be easy right?’ A stray hair sprung up on Twilight’s head. ‘No need to panic at all. I mean it’s only Equestria’s diplomatic relations on the line.’ Twilight smiled as another hair went out of place. 'It’ll all be okay I mean Luna’s going to be back by one, she’ll surely have only the best explanation for this sudden change to my precise and perfect schedule that I have spent the past two weeks going over.' Twilight’s eye began to twitch. ‘What time is it?’ Twilight glanced at the clock still holding her creepy smile as she did so. It read two thirty.
“Where in Tartarus is she?!?!”
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haha I recognized those Q scenes instantly! Nice job with the chapter.
America in a nutshell.
HA!
"my one weekend of in ages"
Should that be off?
"had gone out to deal with something and would be back one."
At one?
Still enjoying this :)
What would be awesome is that Discord would actually look like Q during that.
discord you are a piece of shit. And no halos
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/villains/images/d/d9/Discord_shoos_away_halo_S4E25.png/revision/latest?cb=20150807201037
myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/tdomf-2/447240/icy-stare.gif
journal.transformativeworks.org/index.php/twc/article/viewFile/510/405/4007