Blue Skies saga pt 1

by BlueStormPony

fears of the lost

[b*CRACK* A white pony jumped causing blood flowing from his forehead to splash onto the roots around him. His breath slowed after the surprising noise. He slumped down by a tree and removed the box from his back staring at it blankly.

He fiddled with the blood pooling at his hooves. I wonder what's in the box. I've been wondering for. Time... a lot of time and yet I've never tried to open it, Or have I? He touched the bleeding gashes.

This white pony with no name had red scars crisscrossing his body. His mane and tail were pitch black and stained red with blood. Atop his head was a broken horn with sharp bone shards sticking out. Fleshy torn remnants of what looked like mechanical wings lay tattered around his body. He poked at his wings, why? Why am I? Why do I even exist?

He looked up when he heard a splintered growl. Four Timberwolves surrounded him breathing heavily and staring at him with hungry glares.

"Please...don't...I know I'm trespassing but please just let me go...I don't want to Ki-"

One of the Timberwolves leapt forward biting the white pony's throat cutting him off mid-sentence. The pony slumped over his eyes staring emptily forward, blood trickling from his mouth. The other three Timberwolves approached as their leader dug into the corpse, but they leaped back as their leader let out a horrific shriek of pain.

The pony's blood sizzled and cracked on the wolf's face. it let out one last shriek before its head exploded showering sap and blood. The wolves looked down expecting their leader to regenerate but instead the green glow turn black and gooey dissolving the wood. The wolves turned and ran whimpering. The white pony sat up rubbing his throat. *why does everything die but me?*

He stood up slowing and slung the box over his back again and continued to wander forward as he had for the past two hundred years. Tree's seemed to move to direct him and pony shaped forms darted around just out of sight. The forest got less dense as he went. Trees yielded to bushes and the dim light of night began to peek through the pitch black of the woods.

For the first time since his journey began he emerged from the dark everfree forest and onto a dark empty field. He sank to his knees and tears mixed with pouring blood as he cried. Tears of twisted joy for a reason he knew not.

He righted himself and walked toward a empty wooden shack. The door creaked open. Empty, just as he had thought, he set down the box. In the dim moonlight he could make out a straw bed. He lay down on it and went into a deep sleep. The first one he could remember.

What woke him first he didn't know, he sat bolt upright the bright sun's rays caste down through dust. He coughed he sat in a pool of blood that ran from the bed all the way out the door.

He wiped the blood from his forehead like sweat. His hooves made slight splashing sound as he walked through this bloody mess.

He shaded and squinted his eyes unused to such bright light. Looking down he noted how his white color had been replaced by the reddish-brown of dried blood.

I need a wash...this is bad. Even for me...

He found a small creek and began to clean the blood off of himself. With one hoof he held back the blood and with the other snatched reeds which he strapped around his scars.

"What confuses me is why I never did that...I guess there must not have been anything to stop it with..."

The fish in the creek caught his eye, his eyes followed them as they swam. They were beautiful, one fish went up to the red cloud he had left after washing. Without thinking he flung forward uttering a quiet "No". The movement made the fish scatter.

"I'm not free... I can't forget that...or I'll kill something."

The wet and beaten unicorn curled up into a ball and began to cry, rocking back and forth murmuring through the tears. "No more...no more blood no more death..too long..way to long...the ponies in the forest...they changed...they attacked...they...DIED" the words soon blurred into unintelligible babble.

Eventually he managed to stop cry and rally himself around. He blew his snout. Sadness had been replaced by resolve.

"NO nothing more has to die, no more pain..."

He got up and began to wander, it was a strange field. Nicely kept and cleaned. Birds, something he hadn't heard in a long time sang loudly, the racket was both pleasing and painful to the ear.

After cresting a hill he could see a tree house like structure with a river running by it not too far from the forest he had come from.

His hoof faltered mid-step, In the distance he could see a pale yellow pony with a pink mane tending to a menagerie of animals,

And so he began to walk towards her. Not knowing that the events about to be set in motion would change his existence. Forever.

Comments

[Fourpony]

First, let's start with your description. A description is the hook that grabs readers to take a look at your story and should be presented in a professional manner. Though from what I see, all sentences after the very first one are lacking capitals at the beginning. "Everfree Forest" should also be capitalized since the name refers to a specific place, treat it like you would Yellowstone National Park. They are a little different but the capitalization rule still holds true for both. Moving on, you have two opening parenthesis but only one closing one (just drop the second opening parenthesis and replace with a comma), there should be a comma after "gore" and before "and"; consult this image for clarification. You should have a period at the end of the enclosed sentence contained within the parenthesis. The author's not should have a colon on the end, "note" should be capitalized as well since it is kinda acting like a title. "I" should be capitalized in all cases it is referring to yourself.
Words to be Capitalized in Description Going in Order:
"A"
"Everfree Forest"
"Currently"
"Note"
"The"
"I"
"Seeing"
"This"
"I"
"Anything"

Now to the first chapter.

It should be "Fears of the Lost".

hooves.*I wonder

You should have a space in here. As a note, it is good to start thoughts and dialog on a new live. It is also convention to use italics to indicate a character's thoughts. Asterisks are only really used in IM chats since it is fast and easy.

He touched the bleeding gashes

Sentence needs a period.

his wings *why?

Comma after wings. Again, italics, use them. It makes the thought stand out and not get sucked into the rest of the words.

Four Timberwolves surrounded him breathing heavily and staring at him with a hungry glare.

Timberwolves need not be capitalized; "glare" should be "glares" since there is more than one timberwolf.

Please...don't...I know I'm trespassing but please just let me go...I don't want to Ki-

Spaces are added after an ellipsis. Example: Someone commented... how odd.
The "kill" should not be capitalized.

One of the Timberwolves leap forward

"leapt" or "leaped"

He pony's blood sizzled and cracked on the wolf's face.

"The"

it let out one last shriek before its head exploded showering sap and blood.

Capitalize "It", I feel there should be a capital after "exploded".

The wolves looked down expecting their leader to regenerate but instead the green glow turn black and gooey dissolving the wood. The wolves turned and ran whimpering.

The first "turn" should be "turned". You have some mild word repetition with "turned" though because of this.

Tree's seemed to move to direct him

No apostrophe on "trees". I feel that sentence should also be reworded.

emerged from the dark everfree forest

Capitalize Everfree Forest.

toward a empty wooden shack.

"An" is used before any word that starts with a vowel sound.

What woke him first he didn't know, he sat bolt upright the bright sun's rays caste down through dust.

Comma should be in there; that is the wrong type of "cast" you used as well.

He shaded and squinted his eyes unused to such bright light.

Comma in there.

I need a wash...this is bad. Even for me...

Good use of the new line, now to use italics.

With one hoof he held back the blood and with the other snatched reeds which he strapped around his scars.

Why even bother wrapping scars? They are not even bleeding.

I'm not free...i can't forget that...or I'll kill something.

Capitalize the second "I" and use spaces after an ellipsis.

"No more...no more blood no more death..too long..way to long...the ponies in the forest...they changed...they attacked...they...DIED" the words soon blurred into unintelligible babble.

There is a lot wrong here. Ellipses always have 3 dots (as well as a space after), there needs to be more commas in the underlined section, and you need a comma after the ending quote or a period before it and capitalize "the".

Ok, those are the most blatant errors I spotted, there were others but they were more stylistic and would require a lot more explanation. You also seem to be "telling" instead of "showing" actions to the reader. This makes the narration feel a bit dull and does not draw the reader in.

I know you said you wanted a professional opinion, but I do not think anyone on this site is paid to review and critique pony fiction. I have; however, edited a couple stories on this site that routinely get into the featured box with each new chapter, they are also not 'clopfics'.