Drowned part 1
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
Love is always a very beautiful relation in the world. Without love our life is empty. Only a hallow shell you try not to look back on. You try to run from it, but it keeps bringing you back making relived the pain.
Your true love is always life in your heart. No matter how much you try to forget, it never goes from your heart. It's hard to forget some pony who gave you so much to remember. The pain is not on the day of missing our dear ones. The pain is really when you live without them & with their presence in your mind.
My tears are like anchors that sink my heart to the depths of the deepest oceans. A promise means everything but once it is broken, sorry means nothing. You broke your promise Rainbow,a promise that will be together until the day we die. But you left me, left me to die alone cry alone,made me not none the meaning of love anymore.
I want to wrap you up,want to kiss your lips, i want To make you feel wanted.. i want to call you mine, i want to hold your hoof forever, and never let you forget it. But I can't do those things anymore. My heart sanked with you that day, the day you broke your promise.
With a just a leap off of a cliff, I drop into the cold dark river, the very water that stole you away from me.
I can feel my lungs squeeze smaller by the pressure; I choke and gag on nothing. My throat burning with trapped air and my ears pounding with my heart as it beats against my chest at a rapid tempo, while all I hear is the rumble of the clear liquid that has surrounded me. I can take no more, I open my mouth to scream, but all that comes out is a queue of bubbles and I realize I have little time left. I can’t tell down from up, which is death and which, survival. I sense more than feel the sudden rush of cold water flowing to the back of my throat. I feel nothing but relief, as the bindings of the world slowly slip from my conscious. The grumble of the river slowly fades into silence, and ever so slowly sight and consciousness start to slip away as I’m enveloped by darkness.
When I am without her, the sun doesn’t shine as brightly. When I am without her, the clouds are dark and foreboding. When I am without her, the birds don’t sing as sweetly. But that all about to changed, Here I come Rainbow.
Before Twilight fell unconscious deep in the river a grin appear on her face. She was going to see her lover, the missing piece of her heart, she was going to be with Rainbow again. Her suffering finally coming to a halt the days spent without her. She was going to drown herself for Rainbow.
Hours later,
Twilight woke up coughing up water from her lungs trying to regain her breath. She wasn't in the river anymore nor drowning. She was laying on something soft that was brushing against her fur. A bright light blinded her eyes making hard to see where she was. “Am I.. Am I dead?”
“Ha! If you was dead, I wouldn't be talking to you. Twilight flip on her back to see who she heard. Well your kinda dead, For now.” the voice sounded in the air. she looked to the left and right but no pony was there. “As for me. A cyan peagus appeared in front of Twilight staring down on her grinning. I'm permanently dead”
Twilight felt like she almost had a heart attack because what she saw. Standing in front of her was, her dead lover Rainbow dash. The one who left her alone days ago the one who drowned. Without hesited Twilight jump in for a hug but to no avail she went through Rainbow's body. “Why..why I can't touched you.”
Rainbow grin turn to a frown. “Because you''re not fully dead. She lay down on the grass next to Twilight. So hows it hanging at pony ville.”
Her eyes started to water on the urge of crying. “HOWS IT HANGING!... HOWS IT HANGING!
“Oh boy here we go.”
“I'm a wreck without you. Twilight fell to her hanuches and let the tears come out full force. You're broke your promise Rainbow! She wipe the tears from her eyes but was quickly replaced but new ones. “YOU BROKE IT!”
“Twilight, I'm sorry. Rainbow felt tears started to form but quickly vanished in her eyes and anger started boiling up inside her. I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU ON PURPOSE! She took a couple deep breaths to bring her anger down. “You know I wouldn't leave you, I'll do anything lived up to that promised, I made. But you're not dead, the only way we can be together is to let yourself drown.”
“But I did or I wouldn't be here.”
“No something is keeping your alive, something is fighting to keep you alive. Your not letting go or It's something keeping you from drowning. What's ever doing it is keeping you from being with me.”
Twilight looked around where she was. “Where are we?”
“We're in the lands of peace. Its where the dead lived after they die.”
Twilight was about to ask another question when the bright light blinded her again an agonizing pain started shoting through her head
pain, and everything went black. Hours she finally regain conscious. But She wasn't with Rainbow anymore or she couldn't move. All she heard was a beeping sound coming from her right.
Stats
Page generated in 0.058 seconds
Total duration
968 users online
286,499 hits today, 2,167,270 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I can imagine her screaming bloody murder at whoever saved her.
It seems good, but could use improvement. There are times when you forget to put the ending quotation marks where the dialogue stops, and there are a few run on sentences.
As for the story itself, I would suggest lengthening it and adding some back story. Instead of just saying what Twilight feels, point out why. I know pinpointing 'why' you love somepony can be hard, but it helps bring in a reality to the emotions she is feeling. Maybe add a backstory on how Rainbow died.
Other than that, great work, it is emotional and interesting. Very good, even with its flaws.
Oh god, a tragic TwiDash. I'll go get some tissues.
Love this so far
BTW it did not make cry
3046441 glad you like it
...... Please tell me it has a happy ending. I usually back away from the tragity tag but i HATE sad endings because they make me cry and dwell on it for ever.... I'm still crying about my little dashie and i read that 4 months ago..... On the other hoof i really want to read this despite the tragity and sad tag. I believe that happy ending should be earned not given... Please don't make me cry in the corner for a week. Happy writing!!!
Okay. Here we go. While the concept is actually pretty interesting, the writing and grammar could be better. For one thing, you seem to jump between first and third person. You should keep it consistent. I for one believe this story would be told better entirely in first person.
Second off, your capitalization is all over the place. Always capitalize proper nouns, such as Rainbow Dash and Twilight. You should also capitalize whenever you say I. And always capitalize at the start of a sentence. Also, when a character is yelling, having everything in caps can seem abrasive. Focus more on word choice and exclamation mark choice, and it'll seem a lot better.
Be sure to encase all dialogue in quotation marks. You seem to forget to end dialogue without quotation marks, and that's just wrong. You also forget certain words that would make sentences easier to read.
In the following sentence, I'll highlight the minor changes. You decide which one reads better.
Turns into:
I also added a comma before 'but.'
With the correct words, proper capitalization, and overall better grammar, this story can be miles better. You should also run it through a spell-check, which most browsers have. There are a few spelling errors throughout. And be sure to give it read through before posting it, just to make sure everything is in order. It's best to sit on a chapter for a couple days before going back and editing it, because just after you write it, your mind can gloss over mistakes.
I've edited a couple paragraphs with a few minor changes. I didn't change too much structure-wise.
Can turn into, with proper editing:
Honestly, I really do like certain aspects of the story so far, and I really want it to be better. That's why I'm doing this. And I also remember when I was starting out. I made a lot of mistakes. You actually seem to be trying with this. It's already better than Memories. If you want, I can be your editor. For this story, at the very least. If you decline, so be it. It's your choice. Good luck to you. If you accept, PM me with a chapter whenever you write it and we can get started.
I really do like the concept.
-Prof Yana.
....Thanks Obama!
I thought it would contain BEN..Oh,well
Like Prof Yana said: there's a lot of errors from grammar, punctuation, capitalization and the like. If you wanted me to I could do a read through and do some basic editing.
Overall, I'm liking this story not a whole lot happened other than Twilight almost died but was saved last second with having a spiritual visit from Rainbow.
3081556 Glad you liked it, and Yes I would love for you to do some editing
Very many errors, you should have someone proofread it first.