EDIT: There's a really odd tense error where the story shifts from past to present.
I found him standing in front of sugar cube corner, nursing a milkshake through a straw poked through the surgeon's mask as he stood next to the door, relying on the shade of his hat to obscure his coat color. It was hard to tell between the mask and hat, but he seemed to have a dark, blood-colored coat. No doubt it would be much more pleasant to look at once we dispatched with these outfits.
I walk up to him and rub my flank against his. Three gyrations of my hips, just enough to get the message across.
He nods at me and I can see he has deep, piercing emerald eyes. Oh yes, he looks like he'll be all sorts of fun. I could see his muscles rippling underneath the too-small tuxedo, just waiting to pound his cock deep inside a whore's ass. “Suffer the harsh winter's wind...” he said, struggling to maintain a fake Trottingham accent.
Pretty decent really, but I'd be happier if you had the muse for a full story again. No author has really been able to match the intensity you have.
And yeah, I know what you mean. Personally, I'm glad I wasn't able to fit everything in the one hour, that means I must be getting a feel for it again. Well, editing's done (again) and it's time to get to work on Ch. 2.
This Fluttershy shows a fascinating case of aggressive submissiveness. It is quite sexy as well, and to hear that this will be continued makes me glad.
Greetings from the prereaders of the Good Grammar Directory! We are currently working through a huge backlog of stories, and I would personally like to apologize for the lateness of this assessment.
Cunt. To many mares, it was a degrading slur, a term for a mare who was useless save for the wet slit between her rear legs. To me, it was a badge of honor, growled into my ear as I was taken by one of the many, many stallions I'd bedded over the years. It was a symbol that I was lusted after, that my body was desirable, that ponies wanted to use me as much as I needed to be used.
I do apologize for this, but these errors do mark the story as unacceptable at this time. The first bolded comma is TECHNICALLY not definitely an error as some people might pause there when speaking, but doing so doesn't feel natural when I try to read it aloud as the thought flows better without placing a pause there. The third comma is similar; it's not technically an error, but it feels clumsy. Half a strike has been taken off for each of these two. The other bolded commas should be semicolons, as they link independent clauses without use of a conjunction and do not constitute a list.
If you wouldn't mind giving this over to someone for a high-quality editing pass I'm sure it could pass with screaming orgasms... I mean flying colors, on a resubmission.
Dis is gunna be good,
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw9242-Uberhappy_Derpy.png
He hath returned... the forces of chastity and cleanliness shall tremble. It is a good day to be on FiM.
EDIT:
There's a really odd tense error where the story shifts from past to present.
Pretty decent really, but I'd be happier if you had the muse for a full story again. No author has really been able to match the intensity you have.
3028130 Wow, and I spent a whole other hour after the hour writing to edit it. Guess that's what happens when you're running a one-woman show.
fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/85898.png?1361582488
And yeah, I know what you mean. Personally, I'm glad I wasn't able to fit everything in the one hour, that means I must be getting a feel for it again. Well, editing's done (again) and it's time to get to work on Ch. 2.
This Fluttershy shows a fascinating case of aggressive submissiveness. It is quite sexy as well, and to hear that this will be continued makes me glad.
Now that I think about it, I like it when Fluttershy has a voracious sexual appetite.
I saw that Skyrim reference hehe...
I found some errors, but I am currently too lazy to tell you where they are. Remind me to do it later, ja?
Greetings from the prereaders of the Good Grammar Directory! We are currently working through a huge backlog of stories, and I would personally like to apologize for the lateness of this assessment.
I do apologize for this, but these errors do mark the story as unacceptable at this time. The first bolded comma is TECHNICALLY not definitely an error as some people might pause there when speaking, but doing so doesn't feel natural when I try to read it aloud as the thought flows better without placing a pause there. The third comma is similar; it's not technically an error, but it feels clumsy. Half a strike has been taken off for each of these two. The other bolded commas should be semicolons, as they link independent clauses without use of a conjunction and do not constitute a list.
If you wouldn't mind giving this over to someone for a high-quality editing pass I'm sure it could pass with screaming orgasms... I mean flying colors, on a resubmission.