Chapter 10
Twilight and I were on the train to Canterlot later that day, just the two of us in the carriage. There had been a few other ponies in there, but when I got on, carrying a spear that probably still smelled of blood to them, they quickly choose to see what the other carriages were like.
Twilight sat with her head in my lap, something she hadn't done in years, not since she’d turned sixteen. We sat like that in silence for a while, and I was happy to relax. Twilight got more and more agitated as time went on and we got closer to Canterlot. She kept glancing up at me as well, as if to make sure I hadn’t gone anywhere.
We were about half an hour from Canterlot, and still the only two people in the carriage, when Twilight broke the silence.
“I knew you weren’t dead.”
I smiled at that. “Of course I wasn’t. I never leave without saying goodbye to you.”
She smiled at that, and I swear for a split second the world got brighter. But then she was frowning. “I don’t know how Princess Celestia could just say you were dead. She didn’t even try to find you!”
“Exact words, Twilight.”
To say Twilight has a good memory would be like saying the stars are kind of far away. Twilight’s ability to memorise things is astounding. She remembers things as easily as she breathes. But, that makes remembering a specific conversation difficult. Twilight explained it as trying to concentrate on something in a crowd where everyone is trying to get your attention. It’s why she can come across as scatterbrained.
Twilight steadied her breathing and half closed her eyes.
After a few minutes thought, Twilight opened her eyes again. “The Princess said… ‘Michael is most assuredly dead, Twilight.”
I smiled. Her ‘Princess Celestia’ voice is spot on. “She wasn’t wrong. If the Dogs had been any sort of smart, they wouldn’t have kept me alive.” That got me a hoof to the kidney and a glare. “I’m just saying, Twi’.” She didn’t stop glaring at me. “Look, I’m not dead, and thats all that matters.” She sighed dejectedly and stopped glaring, setting her head back down on my lap. I let out a sigh of my own. After a quick double check to make sure it was just the two of us, I scratched her behind the ears. She leaned into it for a second, then jerked her head away.
“Keep your hands away from me,” she scolded, standing up to look me in the eyes. She was actually a little taller than me, standing on the seat. If you count the horn. She looked around the carriage, saw it was empty and lay back down. “Okay, go.” We pulled into Canterlot a few seconds later. “Dammit,” she said, stamping a hoof.
I grabbed my spear and we disembarked. Off the train, we went to a quiet corner of the train station, where Twilight teleported us to just outside Canterlot Castle. The guards jumped when we appeared, but relaxed when they saw who it was. Then they saw who it was.
“Sir!” one of them, a Day Guard I didn’t recognise, said. “We were told you were dead.”
“Let us by. Celestia wants to see me.” They flinched when I spoke. I didn’t spend a lot of time around the lower ranks of the Day Guard, so while they had probably heard of my voice, they obviously hadn’t heard it. They let us in without another word. I made a note to tell Shining Armour that everyone gets checked, no exceptions. I would do it, but he gets pissy when I tell his men how to do their job.
I took a servants path to the throne room. It was quicker and there were less people. Twilight and I entered the throne room to see Celestia and Shining Armour looking over some maps, with the rest of the guards in the room standing along the wall. I motioned for Twilight to wait where she was and walked towards the pair. I was three feet from Celestia and still none of the guards said anything. I struck the marble floor with my spear. The pair jumped and whirled to face me, horns aglow. I looked down at Shining Armour. “Your men should have announced I was present the second I set foot in the castle. The guards at the gate should have sent word.” I looked to Celestia. “What?”
Celestia sighed, and for a moment looked her age, all several thousand years. “So you enjoy making my life difficult, Michael?”
I, perhaps wisely, said nothing.
“You’re unauthorised, unprovoked, unethical and incredibly illegal assault on the Diamond Dog mines has put me in a position I do not like being in. The Alpha is here, demanding reparations for this and, if he knew you were still alive he would demand your head. So tell me, why should I not give it to him?”
“Not unprovoked,” I said. Celestia flinched slightly, as did Shining Armour. Did she not know? I had assumed Twilight had told her. I turned to look at Twilight, waved her over. She looked shocked. I guess she hadn’t heard Celestia threaten to execute someone before. “The Dogs had kidnapped Generosity as well as numerous other ponies, and were using them as slave labour.”
Celestia blinked.
“I see. You have proof?”
I nodded. “Some of the ponies used as slaves are most likely still in Ponyville. Generosity is there as well.”
She paused for a moment before continuing. “That changes things.” Turning to a nearby servant, she said, “Feather Duster, send word to the Alpha. I will be unable to meet with him today as something has come up which requires my full attention.” I turned to leave. “No. Stay. I have not finished speaking with you. Twilight, would you kindly return to Ponyville and ask your friend and the ponies who arrived with Michael to come to Canterlot? I need to speak to them.”
Twilight nodded. Her horn flashed, and then she disappeared in a burst of purple light.
“Captain Armour, you are dismissed. Go about your duties. We can continue this later.”
Shining Armour saluted and left, leaving Celestia, me and the various servants, which were soon dismissed as well.
When we were alone, Celestia lay down on her throne-pillow and let out a massive yawn. “What I am about to tell you does not leave this room. Understood?”
I nodded, my curiosity growing.
“The Alpha does not want reparations. He wants an excuse for war. You being alive will be the excuse he takes. It would not be hard for him to convince the other Alphas to join him. If they do, the treaties they have with the griffons will mean they will wage war against us as well. We cannot fight both the griffons to the northeast and the Dogs to the southwest, not at the same time.” Her horn lit up, and the map she had been looking over with Shining Armour lifted from the table, floating over to land on the marble floor in front of her. Celestia looked at me, and nodded to the map. I went over and looked at it.
It showed a part of the world, Equestria in the centre and the neighbouring countries. To the north was snow and ice, south was arid plains. The Wary Mountain range split Equestria from Valgryph to the east, but that wasn’t a problem for griffons. That the Everfree forest, covering a good quarter of Equestria, ran right up to the foothills was. The Dogs hailed from the south, in a series of canyons, carved by time and wind and rain into the earth that protected them from the fierce sun of the badlands. All that was between the Dogs and Equestria were a few understaffed guard outposts.
“I do not want war. I have done my utmost to promote peace for millennia. But if it comes, Equestria will be the victor. And you are going to help ensure that. I am placing you in charge of preparations.” Celestia turned back to the map. “If this situation is anything like the others I have encountered over the years, we have perhaps four months to prepare before the first strike. Six at the outside. Ready your troops. I hope I am wrong, but I rarely am.”
I nodded again. Shining Armour, and some of his subordinates, would question her decision, but we both knew Shining Armour lacked the conviction required to win a war. He was too much the fairy tale prince, wanting to save everyone, to get everyone back home.
“Is there anything you wish to add?” There wasn’t, so I said nothing. “Very well. My sister wishes to see you. Pay her a visit before resuming your duties.”
I wonder if Celestia even notices ordering everyone about anymore.
I took a roundabout route to Luna’s tower, to avoid going near the diplomat’s wing. Up three floors, down two, and then all the way up the astronomy tower, which Luna had claimed. It was ‘the best place to work the night sky from’, she claimed. The fact it put her as far from most everyone else in the castle as possible while still being in the castle was something no one brought up. I doubt Luna had ever been a social pony.
The top of the astronomy tower was dark, even during the day. Luna kept the windows covered, and had enchanted the ceiling to show the night sky. It was an awe inspiring skyscape. An uncountable number of stars, like a scattered handful of salt on a black tabletop, mixed haphazardly with the distant galaxies. Behind all this were the swirling nebulae, turning that black of space to a mix of colours.
I’ve always had a fondness for the night sky, though it annoys me that ponies feel the need to give someone credit for it.
Luna was not expecting me. The guards at the door to her quarters had, after a moment of surprise and confirming I was who I said I was, let me in without announcing me. I would reprimand them later.
Luna was in her bedroom, standing at a dresser of some sort. Her horn was glowing, and she was levitating various items to eye level for inspection, dismissing them all. She had grown again. She was now somewhere between Big Macintosh and Celestia in height, though she was still closer to Big Macintosh than her sister. The door closed quietly behind me, but I saw her ear twitch so I knew she heard me. She carried on with her inspection.
“No. No. No. Stars, no. Why do I even have that?” It seemed to be bottles of some sort, but the room was too dark for me to make out what they might be. “Oh, this is hopeless. How can I guess what he would like? I should just ask…,” she shook her head vigorously. “No, she might take that the wrong way. Celestia? No, absolutely not. A guess might be my best bet.”
I was rather annoyed by this point. Celestia had said Luna wanted to so me, though I probably should have asked why. I cleared my throat.
“Has Michael arrived?” Luna asked, turning around. When she saw me, her magic slipped and the bottle she had been holding fell to the ground, shattering and splashing liquid on the stone floor. The smell of fresh cut grass and roses washed through the room. “Michael!” She flew towards me, slowing a few feet away but not landing. “I am glad to see you yet live.” The smile on her face made that a bit obvious. “How was your time in the mines? That is a request, not an order; you do not have to speak of it if you do not wish to.”
I shrugged. “I don’t mind. The worst thing was the lack of light. I dislike not being able to see. Other than that, I can’t complain.”
She gave me one of those looks Twilight and Celestia give me a lot, that seem to cover everything from disbelief to boredom. “You were held prisoner and slave underground for three weeks, held your own slave revolt to escape and your one complaint is the lack of light to see by? I, I do not know what to say to that.”
“I wasn’t happy about any of that, but it isn’t the worst thing to have happened to me.”
I could tell she was desperate to know, but I doubt she would enjoy hearing that I felt being brought to Equestria was the worst thing to happen to me. I mean, I love Twilight like a sister, and I’ve definitely done well here, but the path not taken always seems the better.
Some days, rarer now than when I was young, when something reminds me of home, I wonder what my life would have been like had Twilight not brought me here. I had been young, with only a child’s vague plans for the future, and I know so very little about my home that I couldn’t even try and work out what I would have done based on how I am now. Becoming the Guard-Captain for a magical pony princess was most probably not what would have happened.
I pulled myself out of my head and back to the world around me when I realised Luna was speaking.
“... which leads me to wonder, to you enjoy being Captain of the Night Guard?”
“Honestly, not really.” Her face fell, ears hanging low. “But it’s a job, and someone has to do it. Might as well be me.” I did enjoy the way it let me post a handful of guards in Ponyville who, on paper, were to protect the town from anything out of the Everfree, but I think by now their actual purpose is obvious. And yeah, it’s an abuse of power. Tell it to someone who cares.
“What would you do if not a member of the guard? Would you seek a way home?” Luna asked. There was a quiet pleading in her voice, as if she both had to know and feared the answer.
“No. Only disappointment lies that way. Your sister and Twilight spent years looking for a way to send me back, and failed. I doubt there is anything on this planet with the power to send me back.”
It always surprised me when people assumed I wanted to go back. Twilight understood me on this, and I think Celestia may have as well. I wouldn’t mind having not been brought here, but if I’m here then I’m here to stay. Pretty soon, I’m going to have been in Equestria longer than not. There is nothing for me to go back to, anyway. I remember very little of my old life. A name or two, what might be a city. Besides, I don’t think I could leave Twilight like that.
Luna seemed surprised by my answer, but happily so. Flapping her wings gently, she lifted a foot or so into the air, floating in my direction. She circled lazily around me once, and was smiling when she came back round in front of me.
Landing with a gentle patter of hooves on carpet, she took a step forward. The top of her horn came to just above my chin, and she looked up at me with her big blue eyes. She licked her lips, leaned forward slightly, and then turned away, eyes to the floor. Stepping back, she asked, “What do you think of m-, my sister?”
I replied slowly, choosing my words carefully. “Celestia is a benevolent tyrant.”
Her head whipped towards me so fast she probably got whiplash. “What.”
“She actually cares about Equestria, and does her best to keep every thing in it healthy and happy.”
Luna frowned at me. “I agree with ‘benevolent’. It is ‘tyrant’ I take offense to.”
I shifted slightly, taking my weight from my right foot and moving to a more balanced stance. “Your sister has absolute power in Equestria. That makes her a tyrant.”
Her frown deeped. She stomped a hoof, cracking the stone floor. “My sister and I share power as diarches of Equestria.”
“No, you don’t. Your sister makes all the decisions, decides all the laws, judges all crimes. You’re a figurehead, Luna. Maybe you truly shared power, once, but not now. Celestia is too used to ruling alone. She gives orders without thinking or caring about just who she is giving that order to.”
I wasn’t going to budge, and I think she saw that, because she changed tactic.
“And is there something wrong with that?” she asked. “As you said, she is benevolent. She cares for her subjects. And they love her.” Her voice broke towards the end, and she had to take a second before continuing. “They love her. If given a choice, they would choose her.”
“I know. Why do you think I haven’t done anything about it yet?”
She looked at me, the expression on her face the one she had one learning modern Equestrian, calculating, analytical.
“And what of me?” Luna asked, placing a hoof on her chest. “Am I a tyrant as well?”
“If you had any power, you would be. You’re used to getting your way.” The glare she gave me made the sun seem cold. I probably should have phrased that in a way that didn’t make her sound like a spoiled brat. “As it stands, I don’t actually know what you do. The Night Guard pretty much just guards Canterlot at night, and Celestia gives me more orders than you do.”
“Celestia gives you orders?” she asked, her voice like ice. “You are mine.”
There we go with ponies laying claim to things they can’t own. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, pushing down the urge to tell her just why she couldn’t own the moon. It wasn’t a very good argument, basically just ‘it’s the fucking moon!’ repeated ad nauseum.
Something pressed against my shoulders. I opened my eyes to see Luna looking me in the eyes. It was her forehooves on my shoulders. She was standing on her back legs, using her wings for balance.
“You are mine, Michael. Do not forget that.”
Two things happened after she said that.
First, a voice, one that was not mine, spoke in my mind. It said, Please tell me she isn’t-
It didn’t finish, because the second thing interrupted it.
Second, Luna kissed me.
It only lasted a second. Because that was all the time it took for my left forearm to smash into her windpipe. She broke away with a gasp, eyes full of shock and pain. Dropping my spear, I punched her three times, in the short ribs, the wing, and then nose. She fell to the floor too stunned and winded to make any noise.
I picked up my spear and hesitated only a second before leaving. I didn’t want to do something I’d regret. I stalked away from Luna’s quarters, literally shaking with rage. I had been walking for five minutes before I realised I was headed towards the throne room. Telling Celestia about it was probably a good idea. Or maybe it wasn’t, I was too pissed to care. I wanted to hurt something, to break something, but an argument with Celestia would do just as well. Assuming she didn’t just blast me for hitting her little sister.
Thinking about Luna just made me angrier. Were did she fucking get off, kissing me out of the blue? She was a fucking horse! And, even worse, she probably did it to increase her claim on me or some pony bullshit like that. I tightened my hold on my spear. Dear God, if that was the case I may just commit regicide.
Dude, I would not blame you. That was totally out of line.
I stopped. Look around. The corridor was empty.
Holy shit, did you hear me?
Hallway still empty.
You did! Fucking finally! Dude, I’ve been here for, I don’t know, months or something. Time is different for us.
There was a voice in my head. It was not my voice. It seemed to be speaking English.
Well what else would I speak? No, don’t answer that, it was a stupid question.
So now, on top over everything, I was crazy. Well wasn’t everything just sunshine and bloody roses today.
Dude, you ain’t crazy. Well, I’m not a symptom of any mental illness you might have. You know those dizzy spells you got a while back? The ones that came with information? That was me, passing stuff to you. I had the same thing. Started when I was at a Black Keys concert. I knew something was up when I beat seven shades of shit outta some guy that tried to mug me when I left.
Well, the voice in my head didn’t think I was crazy. Good to know. But I could deal with this later. I had to tell Celestia what happened before Luna found me. I started walking towards the throne room, wondering what the hell I was going to say. My anger had died down to embers, faded but not gone. As I walked and wondered, I started to regret what I had done. Not hitting Luna, no, but not doing something lasting.
Look, mate, while I agree she shouldn’t have done that, I think you’re takin’ things a bit far there.
Okay, so now the voice in my head was telling me what to do. I decided it best to ignore it for now. What’s the first thing you remember seeing from inside my head?
Right, first thing first. I am not a voice in your head, got it? I have a life outside your mind. I’ve got a job, a flat, I’m at uni, the whole shebang. I’m no more in your head than you’re in mine.
Just answer the damn question. If thoughts could be said to have tone, that one would have been growled.
Just remember what I said. Anyway, first thing I saw was a big fucking dragon in a cave. After that, it was just a sort of after image. I could still hear things though, and every now and then I’d get dizzy and be more kickass.
Lexavarone. I swear, next time we met I was walking away with dragonhide. But swearing vengeance was all I could do right now. I still had to go and see Celestia, and I wasn’t going to hunt him down. I had better stuff to do.
Stay quiet in the throne room. I don’t know that she can’t read my mind.
What? Unicorns can read minds?
Maybe. I worried about it when I arrived here, and Celestia told me she wouldn’t do that.
So, what, you think she was lying?
No. She said she would not. Not that she could not or that others wouldn’t. Better safe than sorry.
So, what, you’ve been controlling your thoughts around unicorns for a little over a decade because of one word.
Two.
That isn’t much better! You are a special kind of crazy, y’know?
I live in a world of magical talking ponies. I have had zero human contact for most of my life. I should be crazier.
He had nothing to say to that.
Celestia’s throne was not the way I left it. Inside were two dozen Diamond Dogs. Half a dozen were wearing heavy armour, and carrying monstrous weapons of all kinds. A dozen had light armour and smaller weapons. They were the guard. Five had no armour, just clothes, and were probably assistants or what not. The last one was wearing light armour, gilded and painted in a dark blue enamel.
They turned when I entered. I had not been trying to sneak in.
Dude, you kicked the door open so hard I think you snapped the handle off.
There was a single moment of stillness as the Dogs saw me, recognised me, did a double take. Then, the leader pointed a stubby paw at me and growled, “Get him!”
The guards bloomed into action, spreading out even as they moved towards me. The lightly armoured ones reached me first, but the room wasn’t big enough for that to make much of a difference. I was unarmoured, almost unclothed, and had only a few weapons.
It was a good thing Celestia wouldn’t let me get slaughtered in her throne room.
…
Right?
The first Diamond Dogs were seconds away from reaching me. I spared a glance towards Celestia. She didn’t look surprised, or upset, only curious.
And then the fighting started. Two Dogs were trying to flank me. The one on the right swung at me. I shoulder barged the one to my left, taking him by surprise. We landed heavily, and I smashed the heel of my hand into his nose. I heard it crack, felt blood spurting against my hand, and then he tossed me to the side. I landed badly and rolled. When I stopped moved I felt cold metal against my back. And then something hit me hard enough to lift me off the ground. I heard more bones break, mine this time, and something lit a fire in my side. I staggered to my feet, breathing shallowly. I got the axe in hand in time to knock away the first swing from one of the light armoured ones. I followed that with a left handed punch to the side. It was like punching a sack of sand, and did as much damage. All it did was put him off balance a little. I followed that up with a kick to the side of his knee, and a knee to the groin, finishing with an axe blow to the face, cleaving his skull in two.
That made the Dogs pause. I don’t think they had been expecting me to try and kill them. I used that pause to scramble for my spear. As soon as my fingers closed around the haft, I picked it up, spinning it to block a sword strike from heavily armoured Diamond Dog. Somehow, the wood held. I don’t think anyone was expecting that. I moved in close to the Dog and shoved the blade of my spear up under his helmet, twisting as I pulled it loose. He fell, forcing the Dogs to go around him to get to me, giving me a moment to think.
I couldn’t win like this, picking them off one by one. Eventually, they’d back me into a corner or just surround me. I needed an out. There were three ways in and out of the throne room. The main doors were to heavy for me to myself. The servants door behind Celestia was a possibility, but was the farthest away. There was a servants entrance set halfway up the room, on the other side, which was rarely used. It might even be locked; it should be, but I should not be getting attacked by Diamond Dogs in Canterlot Castle.
Where the hell were the other Guards?
One of the armoured Dogs swing at me overarm, his weapon a mace the size of my chest. I tried to slip inside his reach, and was met by his fist. I staggered backwards, pain bursting through my ribs. Breathing was getting harder and harder. The Dog swung again, from the side. I moved away from it, and he struck the castle wall, chipping the stones. Another Dog was waiting for me, with a wicked looking half-moon axe. He swung at me, his axe moving faster than anything that big had the right to. I danced around it and him, stopping only to kick him behind the knee before sprinting for the door.
Something in the back of my mind screamed at me, and I dove to the ground in time to see that giant mace fly over my head. Okay, that was just unfair. That thing probably weighed more than I did, and he fucking threw it! I got to my feet, biting back a gasp as my ribs and side protested that decision. My hand was considering joining them, but was still on the fence. I heard footsteps behind me, and whirled around, putting everything I could into one thrust of the spear. I got lucky. The Dog was lightly armoured. I think it was that thick cloth the Dogs in the mine had. They wouldn’t wear leather to come meet Celestia.
I quickly pulled out my spear and stabbed again, and again. The Dog died noisily, dropping his sword. It was a stomach wound. He would be a long time dying. I picked up his sword and threw it in the general direction of the Dogs, not waiting to see if it hit anything. The sound of metal on stone a couple seconds later told me it hadn’t. I reached the door and tried the handle. It was locked.
Goddammit. I turned back to the Dogs. The few faces I could see were grinning now. They had me trapped, a semicircle of them surrounding me. I gripped my spear tighter. If I was going down, I was taking as many of those bastards with me as I could. Fucking Celestia.
The main doors opened.
“Princess, I’m back, and I brought those ponies you asked for!”
Twilight. And she brought the ponies from the mine. Some of the Dogs turned to see what was happening. I stabbed one in the side, pushed him to the ground and leapt over him. Turning back to the Dogs, I parried an axe before slamming the haft of the spear into the Dogs head, stunning him. Planting my foot on his stomach, I kicked him backwards into the other Dogs. I couldn’t let the Dogs get near Twilight. Sure, Celestia would probably protect her, but I wasn’t feeling very trusting right now.
I ignored the pain, from my ribs, my side and my hands, ignored the fact I had barely slept for a month, which was a lot even for me. They were not getting near Twilight.
I don’t know if it was the adrenaline, will power or a combination, but the pain seemed to fade, to diminish. I stepped on the Dog I’d killed and used the extra height leap at one of the Dogs fighting - I blinked, surprised. He was fighting one of the ponies from the mine, a grey and green earth pony. I leapt at him, pulled him off balance, and the earth pony gave two swift kicks to the knee caps, followed by a massive blow from both hind legs to the chest. The last kick dented the armour, probably broke most his ribs and punctured both his lungs. Looking around, I saw the guards had finally arrived, and the unicorns were making quick work of the Dogs. I looked around, searching for Twilight. She was near the door, with a pair of Night Guards standing in front of her. I nodded my thanks to them and finished off the Dogs that were only injured and not dead. I don’t think anyone but Celestia saw that. She gave me a disapproving look. I didn’t know if I should laugh or scream at her.
Half the Diamond Dogs had died. Only the leader, the assistants and a half dozen guards were left. They were split between spluttering in rage and nearly pissing themselves in fear. Celestia turned her disapproving look on them.
“Why did you set your Guards on my Captain?” she asked, her voice soft, conversational. The sort of voice you wanted to reply to.
“He murdered scores of my subjects and cost us thousands because of the lost mine, your Highness! We had every right to apprehend him!”
“No. You did not.” Celestia rose from her cussion-throne and stepped down from the dais it was on. “Those subjects of yours were known slavers. They had taken dozens of my subjects as slaves, as well as citizens of Valgryph. Including, might I add, the crown princess of Valgryph and one of the Elements of Harmony.”
Shining Armour snuck in then. I checked my mental schedule - he had been checking the wall patrols today. Couldn’t get farther from the castle. Considering his talent was shields and not teleportation, he was probably exhausted from travelling that far. When he saw, he walked over and said, “I can handle things here. You go get cleaned up. And see a doctor, that doesn’t look good.” He pointed at my side. There was a fairly large slice, going from the side of my rib cage to near my spine. I had a few other wounds I hadn’t felt myself get as well. I nodded, walked over to the highest ranked Night Guard there. I told him to do as Shining Armour said if the orders were good, else do what he felt he should. He smiled, saluted, and told me he’d keep an eye on Twilight for me.
I left the throne room quietly, and made my way towards the hospital wing. I was a few hallways away when the pain came flooding back like a tidal wave, washing away everything else. I recovered a few seconds later, to find myself sitting on the floor with my back against a wall. I forced myself to my feet and, with one hand against the wall for support, I shuffled my way to the hospital wing.
Tenderhoof was on desk duty. When I walked in, she looked up and her jaw dropped, her face going pale. Paler. Whatever. I staggered to the desk, leaning a hand against it.
“Hi. Li’l help?” And then my hand, wet with blood, slipped and I smashed my face of the desk.
Dude, you are in to state to be walking or talking, right? Just let the medi-ponies do their shit and go the fuck to sleep.
Sleep seemed like a good idea.
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You almost make me want to drop this story :/.
Luna is possive of him. And Celestia is acting like a total bitch.
You are right though. It would be for the best that you give us some explanations about their stupid behaviour.
Interesting turn of events. Your portrayal of Celestia seems to bounce around but then again how do you portray a benevolent tyrant? At the end of the last chapter I fully expected him to tear into Celestia, I expected Celestia to want him dead. I did not expect the politics and everything else to go with this. I will try to read more without jumping to conclusions as it seems that this will not be an easy story to predict.
3464847
I like to think of my portrayal of Celestia as consistently inconsistent. And yeah, writing her can be hard.
Damn! Bestiality always makes me laugh!
This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews
This week on “reviewing stories that seem to carry huge ‘THIS IS SHITE’ signs at first glance”, I am going to tackle a HiE story.
Now I have to stress that I most certainly did not bring myself to do this simply to clear the backlog of the group enough to get the others to review one of my own stories, and while the very idea of reviewing a representative of said genre did drive me to write a suicide note (just in case), you may take comfort in the fact that I will not shy away from any kind of bullshit that you “aspiring authors” are capable of spewing out, if for no other reason but to make you regret ever choosing to submit your garbage to the rest of the world.
All that said, since this had been a rather busy week for me, right from the start I decided not to read the whole thing before reviewing it, because over sixty thousand words are about fifty-five thousand more than I was willing to drag myself through, especially if it all turned out to be a giant mountain of putrefying sewage. The description wasn’t very helpful either. While it did not actually insult my intelligence, I most certainly cannot say that it could ever have drawn me in if I were to just stumble across it while browsing the site. “To the point” maybe, but it is also much too short and cliched to inspire any curiosity, not to mention a bit disjointed as well. And once your attention lands on the genre tags, you are most certainly not going to become interested, unless HiE happens to be your recipe for arousal.
It was with this generous amount of negative prejudice that I dove into the first couple of chapters of this story, so it was a pleasant surprise to conclude after a few paragraphs that the author can, at the very least, employ proper grammar. The content itself turned out to be genuinely intriguing as well, despite being a bit “wonky”, for lack of a better word. There is never too much or not enough, but the actual arrangement of the information that we get -- and sometimes even the sentences themselves -- felt a bit disjointed. Still, I actually found myself curious about where this story was going to take me. My curiosity, however, turned out to have been misplaced.
I must point out that I personally tend to dislike stories that try to “insert themselves” into the canon storyline. That is: instead of taking place before or after the events we see in the show, we get the kind of “alternate universe” where the same series of events take place, but with an “extra element” added to them (in this case: Twilight makes her first appearance in Ponyville, but this time with a human following her around). This, combined with my dislike toward most HiE (for rehashing the same formula and the same tropes over and over again), meant that this story would face a really tough crowd in my case. Don’t get me wrong, I am willing to dive into anything if it turns out to be well-written, but certain genre choices will make it that much more difficult to impress me.
This was especially unfortunate for this story during its second (well, officially the first) chapter, where the writing simply begins to fall apart. For one thing, the fact that the human character practically replaces Twilight in the story, taking the initiative in every scenario where we remember her doing so, was rather annoying, to say the least. Wait, scratch that… (SPOILER ALERT, in case you actually plan to read this:) he replaces Spike, then does everything instead of Twilight as well.
You know, if you want to have the type of character in your story like the one you were going for (i.e “overprotective tough guy”), the least of all that you could have done was make their characters equal, instead of Twilight basically being a plaything in this guy’s hands while he does everything important. It entirely defeats the purpose of the setting, since she is a far too well established character to suddenly be relegated to such a pathetic role. In fact, pretty much everypony becomes this guy’s lackey by the start of the third (“second”) chapter. They all run around like sodding headless chickens, while he is the only one to keep his cool and spring to action whenever it is necessary. And you know where this is going. That’s right: Mary Sue territory. Well... rather: Gary Stu territory, but whatever you call it, the point is that it’s fucking atrocious in a story that otherwise attempts to take itself seriously.
I had to stop reading about four chapters in, no matter what fantastic adventures would have awaited me later on. It was simply too aggravating to read a story that practically defecates all over the events that happen in the show for no adequately explained reason. That, and I just couldn’t get into the human’s character. If he were toned down a little, and I was stuck on a deserted island with just a copy of this story as my only possession of human literature, then maybe I could bring myself to continue. Though I would probably have to find a way to get myself really drunk as well...
To be perfectly honest, the most positive thing I can point out about this story was the bit where it’s revealed that the guy is from Glasgow, because, when combined with some of his behavior, it reminded me of Frankie Boyle’s depiction of Scotland. Other than that, while it has decent grammar, more or less solid writing, and what might even turn out to be an interesting plot, the characters alone ruined it for me. I don’t usually recommend this to a story that is well underway, but I think this one could use a decent rewrite.
PS: I really did not need to fucking know about how Twilight’s first heat affected their relationship. My suicide note will be stickied in the group forums later today, along with the approximate coordinates of my corpse.