Lately, I have been poring over a powerful psychological dilemma; the meanings behind attraction, the instinct of one individual to seek solace with another. The main reason I have been bothered by this is that attraction is an instinct, and it is difficult to deny such needs through will alone. I have fallen into this logical pit.
The more I think on it, the more frustrated I feel. There are many reasons why I should not pursue such trivialities. A princess has to run her country, the emotional attachments may affect my duties. My lifespan is beyond any, and I would have to live with the memories for the rest of my life; I already do. Each time, they live and pass on within such a short period, and I am left alone. There is nopony that can understand.
I have found myself attracted to another... I suppose it is normal to have such feelings now and then, but why do they come about, despite all odds to prevent them? Could it be a personal, driving need to simply have somepony? Am I truly so lonely that I desire not to be? Instinct is something that came to mind as before; an ancient instinct of all creatures to seek another.
I think about them daily, even when I do not see them. Already the thoughts take over my mind and distract me during my duties. However, I do not feel at all guilty over doing so. The thought of them drives me, inspires me, and fills a hole within my heart. Should I let these thoughts continue to swim through my mind, giving me a temporary hope? Or do I let go, and proceed with my usual routine? I do not know if my routine is enough for the rest of my life.
My head aches with it all. To attempt a relationship, and if accepted, at least fifty years of happiness; perhaps, just as many of pain afterward. However, I realized something major... Being together with somepony is not just about me. I have to think about them, as well. For the rest of their life, they would know that I would love them, and after death, never forget them for as long as I exist. That may very well be a long time. Am I able to withstand the after-effect once more for telling my special somepony how I felt about them, providing them solace for the rest of their existence and beyond?
I certainly have never forgotten anypony that I have been with, and I miss them all. Is it wrong to violate an oath of faithfulness to one after their death? No, I remember... Everypony I have been close to told me in their later years that with my long life, I should never be alone. Perhaps I should listen to them... and pursue love once more.
I feel quite foolish at the moment; every time I begin feeling attracted to another pony, I go through all of the same thoughts. The cycle of frustration is neverending, but I suppose there is very little I can do about the matter... It is instinct, and such will to deny it is far beyond my own mental grasp, and likely anypony else's.
I have been reading through my most recent diary entries to see how my feelings have progressed. I cannot help but notice that since meeting them, my entries involving them seem to become increasingly frequent and detailed. I just wish it would not always be the same...
It is something I do not enjoy admitting, but... Anypony that knew me and would be alive long enough would realize that I have become closely attached and attracted to each one of my personal students.
it makes sense that shes attracted to her personal students. She already opened her hearts to them and spends a huge amount of time with them. With them she can be herself. But if you want to go that way i would recommend a romance-tag.
EDIT:
For indiscreet resolves, stay true.
The joy and sorrow of an immortal goddess
Oh, I can predict a bittersweet ending to this.
Definitely seeing how this progresses.