The seventh element

by Kalebdash64

Chapter2: The Fluffy

"Huh?"

"Name," Rainbow Dash said."Naaaaaaaaaaamee"

"Uh, I can undestand you" [ramdom guy: Its smartass time]

"Then answer her question"

"Nah, I dont trust kidnappers"

"Why you_

"Rainbow!," Twilight said. "Lets all have a talk in the other room," she focused on me. "If you try to escape I will find you and never let you see day or nightlight again"

"Thats going to be hard considering all these windows"

"Ugh, lets go," they left the room.

[random guy: program smartass disengaged. Plan 68.34575575751 #escape activated]

What was completly weird was Pinkie pie. In the show she was happy and bouncing. Here she was having a weird schico stare before she left and afully quiet. I wiggled my arms until they slipped out. I then untied my legs and stood up. The floorboards creeaked and I flinched. I tiptoed all the way to the other room and at every step the floorboards creeaked. I was now at the room where the mane six where. I was at the door when my phone rang.

[random guy: welp Equestria has signal, my life is complete ^v^]

They all turned. Twilight got so mad, her mane turned into fire and made a mad dash after me. I did the same.... but the other way that is while answering my phone.

"I WARNED YOU, " the fire alicorn yelled.

"Hello?"

"No way, No fucking way youre alive!," Jason exclaimed.

"Cant talk now Jay, a fire pony is after me arse," I hung up and kept running until they lost sight of me."cant -Gasp- run anymore"

Pinkie tackled me to the ground. Applejack was behind her. Pinkie's teeth were sharp and her voice was metalic.

"I found you," her eyes turned red and felt heavier and heavier in my chest. "After a millenia I knew you would return"

Apple Jack frowned. "Ah, Pinkie"

Pinkie was looking at my knecklace."And he has brought me an element, how generous"

I heard a snap. Im guessing it came from my ribcage.

"What?"

Pinkie turned into a bipedal dragon thing with metal scales and had a red gem on its left side. It was also getting taller until about.....nine feet tall. The situation got weirder when a sword spawned at my left hand. The blade was blue in the shape of a leaf. It was light and at the handlebar had a crecent moon carved on like my kneclace wich has an emerald crecent moon. I quickly grabbed the sword and slashed its left arm and it jumped back bellowing in pain missing Applejack by an inch. She was just there frozen in shock. The thing_ I'll call it fluffy since it still has her hair, bared its fangs at me and hissed. Fluffy then grabbed Applejack. She screamed and kicked but it was no use. I had zero experience with sword fights.....or metal dragons for that matter.

"Let me go!," Applejack yelled as she kicked.

I raised my sword. "Let her go, and I'll let you live"

Fluffy laughed. [random guy: finnaly some action. -grabs a Bag of popcorn-]

"Surrender and I will spare her ,or_

"Or?"

"I will eat you both," Fluffy smiled in victoy.

I ran towards the dragon with my sword ready to attack. The dragon did the same.

"Go for the gem," a voice in my head did as so. As I slashed the gem I got scratched in the chest and flew back to the ground. My sword gained momentum and stabbed the gem.

Fluffy froze and exploded with Applejack in its claws. Applejack was now free falling when a pink blur grabbed her and dólares down. It was Pinkie Pie. As soon as they landed, they galloped towards me.

"You saved us," Applejack said.

"Yeah," I said with the adrenaline all gone everything hurt."you're welcome by the way"

"Hi I'm Pinkie Pie thanks for saving me from that mean old dragon whats your name?," she waited for an answer.

"Uh, Kaleb I...feel lightheaded," I blackeout.

I woke up in a room. I had bandages on my chest. I took them off, and took a light blue shirt that was on the night stand. I still had my kneclace and jean on. After my head head went through the shirt I found myself face to face with Pinkie Pie. She was smiling.

"Hi," she said.

"Uh, hi?," I yawned and stretched. When I opened my eyes Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, and Twilight Sparkle were in the room.

Twilight moved closer to me. Then she hit my head wich made a woodlike noise.

"O-w, what was that for?," I asked rubbing my head.

"It wouldve been worse," she said.

"Worser," Pinkie said

[random guy: -raises eyebrow- is that even a real word?]

"Mom mom," a little filly walked inside levitating a piece of paper." Look at my drawing mom!," she showed the drawing to Twilight. The filly had a black coat, a purple mane, a headband, and glasses. It was Nyx.

"Wow Nyx, its beautiful,"Twilight said.

"Um, Rainbow Dash?," I said.

"Yeah?"

"Sorry for getting on your nerves you know how escape plans work"

"No problem, friends?"

"Yeah," we brohooved. [random guy: lucky punk]

"Wait a minute," Twilight said. "How do you know Rainbow's name?"

I shugged. "Its a long story"

Twilight made a notepad and quill apear. "We have time"

Author's Note:

Enjoy and Nyx is a character my favorite fanfic Past Sins by Pen Stroke and its In the family series. There you go a fixed chapter. And I wana thank my gf Rosie for the creation of "Fluffy"

Comments

[Kalebdash64]

Do I keep going or do I stop writing

[roboman792]

3134046

Keep going!

[panqueques improbables]

Never stop never give up. This has AMAZING POTENTIAL

[derpinator360]

i would say dont give up but he is constantley being beatan the crap out of

[Kalebdash64]

Ok I'll keep going and the reason he gestó beat up so much is because the ponies don't trust him so they Freak out when he does anything chapter three coming tonight when Im suposed to be sleeping

[MidnightDancer]

Alright, there's more than a few problems here.

For starters: When replying to someone's comment, push the little speech bubble button in the upper right hand corner of THEIR post that you are replying to. This gives you two greater than signs followed by a string of numbers, and when posted, it notifies that person that you replied to them so they can reply to you, and so on.

Now for the actual story itself.

In terms of subject matter:
1. Extremely cliched. The title implies that there is a mystical 'seventh element' that is wielded by:
2. Your self insert OC. Self-inserts are VERY hard to do correctly, and you are not off to a good start.
3. The ponies from the show are all just puppets for you--they are not behaving even slightly in character (Applejack is not that violent to obviously sapient creatures, nor is she prone to falling all over herself at a compliment. Rarity wouldn't ask where his clothes are, because they don't generally wear clothes aside from high society or special functions). You've effectively made them background characters, bit characters in the stage that is your OC's life, and they behave completely OOC just to make your character look better. That's some lazy writing, right there.

In terms of mechanics:
1. Your spelling is seriously, SERIOUSLY horrible. You need a spellchecker (firefox has one built in) as well as an editor. A GOOD editor.
2. Your grammar needs a lot of work, too.
3. So does your punctuation.
4. You need to slow your pacing down. You have everything happening ridiculously fast with little to no description or detail.

Now, I do hope you are smart enough and calm enough to take this comment in the spirit it was intended (that of helpfulness) and not delete it. Naturally, I'm saving a backup of my comment as well as the link to your story so that I can repost or send someone else along who you might be more willing to listen to.

Take care~

[Kalebdash64]

3153128
Im doing the best I can Im under some stress and I asure you that I will fix this story about now. And thanks I just read over it And and tren so I'll fix this don't worry and thanks for the advice

[MidnightDancer]

3153241 No problem.

There's a lot of very nice groups here on Fimfiction to help authors with editing and proofreading and such, so I'd suggest checking them out as well :)

[FicusCat]

MidnightDancer said it all, you should listen his advice.

And you're going to correct the story NOW, not after pulling another chapter, because a reader is not going to read past a rushed, boring and cliché first chapter. Correct what you already have before adding anything else.

[Kalebdash64]

Ok ok Im trying the best I can I only have an IPod to type and is it really that rushed?Im sooooooo tired

[shadowf1re]

yay nix is one of my favs too

[Rain Dasher]

My new goal in life is to brohoof Rainbow Dash.

[Kalebdash64]

3154142 ok fixed

[Kalebdash64]

3153128 fixed