The Epic Tale of Jack Darrius

by Ponyswamp

The Fantastical Adventures, And So It Begins, Chapter 5

Chapter 5

That was one of the worst ideas Jack had ever come up with. I looked at him blankly. “Why?” I asked bluntly. It was a simple question, but Jack looked at me like I was insane.

“What do you mean, why? They're alone, vulnerable, and ripe for a good prank or two. Plus, I could probably think of, like, seventeen worse things to do.”

“Did you actually think of seventeen worse ways to go after them?”

Jack nodded. “Option number eighteen was the perfect compromise between acceptability and severity. Number nineteen was too soft.”

My hoof contacted my face, only a little harder than I intended. I almost said something, but Rainbow piped up first.

“I'm in.”

Pinkie popped out from under the desk which was a location she was definitely not in two seconds ago. “Me too!”

Applejack shrugged. “Well, Ah don't see why not.”

Rarity chimed in too. “Oh, I suppose it could be fun to patronize those ruffians.”

Spike nodded vigorously, agreeing with Rarity.

Fluttershy squeaked.

I looked at them, dumbfounded. “Are you serious!? What did they do to us?”

Rainbow cocked her head. “When we pranked Spike, and he hiccuped all those letters to Celestia, what did he do to us? Nada, zip, zilch! Twi, a prank is all in fun! Nopony's gonna get hurt or anything!” She looked at Jack. “Right?” He nodded, and Rainbow did too. “See?”

I shook my head. “It just seems like revenge.”

Jack closed his eyes, looking glum. “It kinda is. When I was younger, they treated me like crap. But I really never had a chance to get back at them.

“I really just want to show them what for, you know? They're bullies and jerks, the lot of them.”

He's really serious about the whole ordeal. He wants to prank these guys for treating him badly as a kid. I really can't frown on that. And since I've seen him at his worst, he could have decided on a far more severe revenge plan.

I coughed. “Why did you never do it before?”

Jack chuckled. “I'm just one guy. I'd never be able to take them all on at once, lightheartedly or no. Plus, they'd probably kill me for it.”

Fluttershy squeaked again, and Jack rushed over to her. “No no, not literally Fluttershy. They wouldn't, you know, actually kill me.”

He's learning fast. Two weeks in, and he's already compensating for Fluttershy's shyness on instinct.

I sighed. “Fine. But one trick, trap, or travesty gets put in place that might hurt somebody, and I'm out. Deal?”

Jack nodded quickly. “I'd expect you to. And that applies to the rest of you, too. If I'm setting up something that makes you uncomfortable, feel free to leave. Of course, you guys of all people know that though.”

I cocked my head. “Why would we, 'of all people', have to know that?”

He tensed up gulped, then chucked. “W-well, you've written enough friendship letters that by now you're probably experts on that sort of thing, right?”

That seems logical enough. The tensing up bit, that was a little unnerving, though.

I nodded. “Alright. What will we need for the pranks?”

Jack got comfortable again, and handed out some sheets of paper to the seven of us, keeping an eighth sheet for himself. “Grab this stuff from around the house, and meet me by the back door as soon as you can. I'll do the same.”

----------

Dammit, Fluttershy didn't write that friendship letter until season five! I almost let slip their future!

Alright, I said to myself, just forget about it and gather the pranking supplies.

I began to wander the house, gathering the supplies I listed out. But my mind kept blinking back to that one measly sentence. I know too much. I know their future. Granted, I never saw any episodes with me in them, but I assume that certain things will still happen, like that incident with...

No, wait, if I know something is gonna happen, then maybe I can change it! I can stop the bad things from happening, and save everyone a heck ton of hassle!

But if I do that, I'll remove the lesson. They won't learn anything, won't write the letter, won't anything! I can't pacify them simply because I think I know best. I'm pretty sure that's the definition of a dictator, anyway. Or was that playing god?

Alright, here's what I'll do. I, Jack Darrius, do solemnly swear that I will, under no circumstances, screw up the progression of future events in Equestria upon my arrival, save for, like, season finales and other severe events of great peril.

It was then I realized that I was still standing there, very clearly not grabbing all the pranking supplies.

I let out an “eep!” before beginning to dart around the house, trying to desperately trying to gather the supplies before before the others, so I don't look like a total ignoramus.

----------

We've been here waiting for Jack for five minutes, and he's nowhere to be seen. I mean seriously, do we know his house better than he does? He doesn't use many of the rooms, mostly he just sat in front of his computer. Well, that was before we came. Then he came out a whole lot more.

Or so he says.

I still find myself not quite trusting Jack. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but this feels kinda like the Chrysalis thing. I don't think he's secretly a changeling queen, but I definitely think something is up.

I get this... vibe from him. This aura of something I can't explain. I don't know what in Equestria it is, but it's definitely something. For a couple of days I thought it was his anger, but after thinking it over, it just feels... different.

I know that it's the exact opposite of logic, but...

Suddenly, Jack burst around the corner. He stumbled and nearly fell, but regained his composure and walked towards us as if nothing happened.

“Ladies. Spike.” He nodded at us calmly as we all tried our best to not laugh. Rainbow and Pinkie barely held it in.

“Smooth moves!” Spike chuckled, and that, while cheesy, was enough to send Pinkie and Rainbow over the edge into laughing fits. Jack did his best to keep a straight face, though he couldn't hold it in. We were all laughing shortly after.

I may get a weird vibe, but he means well.

----------

Since we couldn't very well fit a six ponies and a baby dragon on my scooter, we had to walk to the woods. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, since we had all the time in the world to set up shop. Plus, Pinkie even did a song on the way. Pinkie Pie songs will always make things better. Always.

It took us, say, half an hour of walking to get to the border of the forest. From there, it was another hour hike through the wilderness to get to the site where my classmates would be setting up.

We divided into teams, and split up to get done faster. Fluttershy and Rarity went towards the lake to set up there, while Applejack took Twilight further into the forest for the backup traps. That left me, Rainbow and Spike to tackle the main campsite.

I sent RD up into the treetops to set up the more aerial traps, which left me and Spike alone on the ground, working in relative silence. Eventually, the awkwardness proved too much for the baby dragon, and he cleared his throat.

“So,” he began. “what should we talk about?”

I chuckled. “It took you ten minutes to start talking, and you don't even know what to talk about?”

He blushed, and I sighed. “So, got any guy friends back in Ponyville?”

Spike shrugged. “Not really. I mostly hang out with Twi and her friends.”

He quickly put up his hands defensively. “Not that they're not my friends, too!”

“Spike, don't be so defensive. It was just a question.”

He went back to helping be hoist up the streamer cage. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“No problem. So, another question; do you have a...” I moved in closer, and whispered directly into his ear. “... fillyfriend?”

Spike comically froze up and fell to the floor.

I jut stared at him for a bit. “Spike?”

He didn't move, save for frantic breaths.

I poked him, and still nothing.

“Whoa,” said Dash, suddenly behind me. “what did you tell him? I've got to use it sometime.”

I chuckled. “It might work better for you. I asked if he had a fillyfriend.”

Dash broke down into hysterics. “That's what sent him into shock? That's priceless! I'm definitely gonna use that later!”

“Yeah, the shock value of a mare asking him that? Tripled, at the very least. Anyway, did you need something?”

Dash got up, wiping tears of sheer joy from her eyes. “Yeah. I was wondering which tree you wanted me to put the glue buckets in. Is it the one with the birdhouses, or the one without?”

I nodded. “Yeah, better go with the one without. Applejack's gonna be covering the birdhouse route with the hidden feather traps.”

Looking, to Spike's still frozen form, I continued. “Although, do you have any ideas on how to get him up? I need his help for the sap blasters.”

Rainbow perked up. “Here's an idea; a rainboom!”

I shook my head. “How many times, Rainbow? How many times do I have to say it?”

She harrumphed. “Way more than you have already. I haven't had a decent flight in almost two weeks! Two! Weeks! For a promising Wonderbolt applicant, that's almost as bad as losing a wing!”

Sighing, I looked at her squarely. “Two more days. Two more days, and we can have all the celebratory rainbooms we want. Deal?”

“'Kay,” she mumbled.

“Alright. So, any ideas for Spike?”

She walked over to Spike, cleared her throat, and did a surprisingly good impression of Twilight.

“Spiiiike, we're gonna be late for the meeting with Princess Celestia!”

He shot up, wiped his eyes, looked around then gave Rainbow a death stare. She grinned, and took off towards the tree without birdhouses.

Spike looked at me. “I hate you all.”

“Thanks, we all love you, too.”

----------

Applejack came back from over the hill. “Ah got the feather traps in place. How're the pie bombs comin'?”

I didn't move, more focused on the several levitation spells I was casting. “Well.”

AJ looked up at my handiwork, and whistled. “Well? Sugarcube, you've done set up thirty pies to drop on their heads. Well doesn't quite fit the ticket.”

“I just...” I adjusted a pie half an inch. “...need these to be perfect. All the traps that drop from the trees are extremely delicate. They're not like the sprinklers by the late or the honey hole, these need to be exactly in the right spots, or else they won't work.”

She chuckled. “Ya know, fer somepony that didn't want to do this in the first place, yer puttin' a whole lotta effort in.”

Sighing, I turned to her. “I've been thinking. Maybe these bullies do deserve it. I don't condone revenge, but sometimes a little... payback is understandable.”

“My my, Twi, that almost sounded mischievous of ya!”

I giggled. “I'm not planning on making it a habit, Applejack.”

“If ya did, ya wouldn't be our Twilight.”

I was about to respond, when I saw Fluttershy come over the hill. “Um, we're all set up at the lake. Jack asked for your help finishing up with the air horn surprise. If, um, that's alright with you...”

I shrugged. “Those are the most complicated trap. The strings alone are intricate enough, but the bowling balls...”

----------

After everyone pitched in to help out with the air horn surprise (patent pending), we gathered about a half hour's walk away to break for... lupper? Sunch? A meal between supper and lunch. It was 3:30, okay?

After our... meal, we returned home. Once there we did normal stuff. Well, normal for six ponies, a baby dragon, and a teenage human boy. Basically, we were killing time until tomorrow night. Once we settled to bed, a few of us, Pinkie, Rainbow, Spike, and myself, found we couldn't sleep, no matter how hard we tried.

And so we had a pillow fight. I have a lot of decorative pillows in my house, so ammo was plentiful. The only complication came when we woke up Twilight and Rarity. They both looked super pissed. We all thought we were gonna get lectured until our ears fell off, but they picked up a bunch of pillows with their magic and started flinging them at us.

Within seconds, the whole house was up in a roar, as pillows and cushions flew in all directions. I even got beaned in the face by Fluttershy. She apologized profusely, and I couldn't possibly bring myself to throw a pillow at her. I just poked her with a pillow and grinned, telling her it was alright.

We finally fell asleep around midnight, without a formal victor. We all knew it was Pinkie, though. I know I have a lot of pillows, but I know for a fact I don't have pillows that say “Gotcha!” on them. I've completely embraced the fact that the laws of reality don't apply to her.

In the morning, we got up, ate, and were out the door by 6:00. We trekked past the campsite we rigged, all the way to a ledge on a nearby small mountain, Thompson Peak, about fifteen minutes from the lake. We set up a camp there, and I started naming stuff for my friends.

The lake near our victim's campsite is the McClure Reservoir. We my house is on the outskirts of an old city called Santa Fe. The forest we're in is the southern part of a forest known as Santa Fe National Park. The city and forest have been renamed, however, after the alien invasion. They're now Santa Han, meaning “holy need”, roughly. Americans renamed it, after all.

Twilight asked for an explanation of what happened in the war, and I saw no reason to hide it from her. It's common enough knowledge.

It began in 2015, on September 21st. First contact was established with the aliens when they crushed the Mexican city of Tlaxcala with a massive base. They called themselves the Gythar, and they proceeded to abduct humans and destroy cities, and generally be arseholes.

They weren't like your stereotypical aliens, either. They were as tall as people, a little more bulky, with wrinkly gray skin. They had hair, but it was sparse, and their heads were dual lobed. Six fingers and a thumb, three toes, and no nails on either. Teeth like sharks, and pitch black eyes. Not gonna win any beauty pageants, there.

The armies of the world kinda helped themselves and the people around them, but a select few became part of special task forces that attacked the Gythar anywhere on their home continent. My father was the leader of the Soundbombers, one of the spec ops teams tackling the Gythar in north and south America.

In early May of 2029, my father led the armies of the world in a last ditch attempt on the Tlaxcala base, and won. He became an international hero, and he started peace talks the world over, trying to unite Earth after the invasion. It's a noble goal, but I've seen him very little in my lifetime.

We spent the day chatting, and we quieted down when my classmates arrived at 8:15 PM. They were a little late, but it didn't matter that much. The fun was about to begin. Pinkie passed out popcorn, and we all asked where in the world she got it from. She just giggled.

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We watched as the teenagers entered the campsite. We all waited on that cue, the trigger to start the pranks. I admit, even I was on the edge of my seat. I put time and energy into those pie traps, and I intended to see this through.

I grabbed one of the pairs of binoculars Jack brought. Peering through them, I saw one boy start smacking rocks together, while another twirled sticks. Both of them were trying to achieve fire, but only the boy with the sticks succeeded.

That's when the sap shooters went off. And we laughed like crazy.

Author's Note:

Ugh, why is it that I need to be sick to update this story?
Anyways, a little backstory for ya. The Gythar get pretty interesting, let me assure you.
Or maybe I'm leading you on, and the aftermath is all that counts.
Or it's a useless add-on to the story.

Comments

[Ponyswamp]

5694864 Thanks! I'm aware that the premise is cheesy, but this section (And So It Begins) is kinda like the prologue. The whole thing kinda goes off after that. Kinda like climbing a hill before you can sled down it. And I swear, I'll try to update this so that I'll be done with the hill that is the prologue before this story becomes 2 years old!