Railgun to the Face

by Arcane-Boomeus

Chapter Two: First Steps (Literally)

CHAPTER TWO

I opened my eyes blearily, only to be blinded by the warm light of the sun as it rose over the horizon. I rolled off of whatever it was I had slept on (it seemed to be a bedroll of some kind), then tried to rise to my feet.

I fell flat on my face- not in the normal way, though, because my nose was the only thing that hit the ground. I brought my left hoof to my face to make sure nothing was broken or bleeding.

I probably don't have to tell you that I was very surprised to see that I didn't have a hoof. What I saw was an electric blue... hoof.

“What the-” I muttered, surprised at how (relatively) unsurprised I was. 'Wait,' I thought, 'slow down. Should I be surprised? Was I not... whatever I am... before, er, now?'

I realized something. 'I don't know. I don't remember anything... though I have the feeling that this type of situation is rather cliché, and I seem to have enough of a grasp of... whatever language this is... to be able to think in it- and I said “What the-” just a few seconds ago. However, I seem to be operating on movements that are obviously not the ones I should be using...'

I moved my head around and observed that my (new?) body was the same electric blue as the hoof I mistook for a hoof. 'Wait, what is a 'hoof' anyways?!' I seemed to be a quadruped, with a bright orange tail on the end of my body opposite my eyes, nose, mouth, and (I assumed) brain and ears and other bits of anatomy that belong on the 'front' of... bioforms? I was, of course, assuming that whatever it was that I was was a species that exhibited cephalization- which is an easier way of saying 'all of the stuff involving perception and cognition is all in one area because it's convenient and stuff'.

It took awhile to dawn on me.
“Am I a horse? A strange, brightly-colored, sentient, talking horse? Am I actually sentient?” I then had an idea. A hypothesis, if you will. “Did I just achieve sentience? Am I the first neon-colored, talking, sentient horse? That might explain the lack of memory, but how would I know how to speak...?”

I frowned. “Maybe I am inventing language as I go... I'm just making the sounds that, to me, embody the concepts I am trying to express, and, because I understand them, I'm just assuming it's an actual language?” I paused, considering this. “I guess if I'm the first sentient being here, then whatever it is I'm speaking is the closest thing to an 'actual' language there is-”

I then applied logic to my situation. “I woke up- maybe even slept- on that bedroll. If I just acquired sentience, then I wouldn't have made such a nice-looking sleeping-thingie until, well... after becoming intelligent. Therefore, I must not be the first sentient being here- though I could still be the first sentient horse...”

“Sorry to burst your bubble, RG,” said a feminine voice, “but I'm pretty sure that everypony's been sentient for a rather long time.”

I turned my head to face the voice, which was coming from the side of my body that I hadn't been blankly staring at. I saw an adorable little horse- she was about the same size as me, to be fair- standing very close to me and looking down at me from a pretty steep angle. She was green- the color of green that I thought was 'olive drab-ish'- and her tail, which matched the hair on her head (which I soon realized was her mane, her being a horse and all) was a strange brown color that I tentatively decided was, simply, brown.

In short- this horse kind of reminded me of a tree. She also seemed to have wings, and her eyes were... 'Wait a second,' I thought, startled, 'I'm not electric blue! Her eyes are electric blue, and I am more of a... a Hooloovoo, perhaps?'

“Celestia's mane,” she said, exasperated, “you're making that face again- the one you make whenever you've made a particularly egregious choice.”

My eyes probably widened. “When you say egregious,” I began, “do you mean-”
She sighed. “Yes, RG, I mean 'conspicuously bad'. I know what egregious means.”

I decided that I liked this horse-girl. “You wouldn't happen to know anyone who can teach me to move correctly, would you?”

“At least you're still polite,” she muttered. “Yeah, hold on, you wrote a manual for this, told me that I would need it “one day” and that I should make sure to place it right-side up...”

She demonstrated the functionality of her wings by turning, leaping into the air, and flying away. She was back within a few minutes, holding a leather-bound book in her mouth. She placed it in front of me, then took a step back. “In Equestria, we read from left to right.”

I nodded. “M'kay.”
She recoiled. “Are you feeling alright, RG? You didn't say anything snarky OR weird.”

“Right, because everything I say is sarcasm. In fact,” I said dryly, “my cerebrospinal fluid is eighty-three-point-nine-one-four-six percent sarcasm.” Then, I frowned. “Oh.”

She rolled her probably-electric-blue eyes. “Just read the bucking book so you can figure out how to perform locomotion.”

I peered at the cover of the book. “You are a unicorn. Focus on opening the book with your mind, imagine it glowing a shade of electric blue (no, it's not quite electric blue, but the name isn't important) and opening.”

'What an abnormally long title,' I thought, 'I hope the writing inside isn't terrible...' Despite my misgivings, I did as the book's title instructed. The book glowed, opened, and was read by me.
“I'm a pretty good writer,” I mused, closing the book and standing as the book had told me to (the exact words were, (“just stand up, you'll get used to it”).

“Yeah, you are... sometimes, though, you leave out important little bits of information.”
“Like what?”

“My name is Olivia Leaf.”
I nodded. Leaf made sense- she reminded me of a tree, after all. And Olivia is like a feminine version of Olive, which is what I guessed her coat was. “Maybe I wrote it intending to have you tell me your name yourself?”

“You also left out the fact that you're a mare.”
I forgot how to stand at this point. “What.”

Olivia sighed, rolled her eyes, and said, “RG, almost ninety percent of all ponies are mares. You can't be in the minority in everything, you know.”

After a few moments, I decided that I had no reason to believe that I wasn't always a female. I rose to my hooves. “Okay.” I took a deep breath. “What now?”

“Grab your saddlebags, we need to head into town for supplies...” she paused. “You should go to the library. The 'library princess'- Twilight Sparkle- lives there. The building's a tree, right in the middle of Ponyville. You can't miss it.”

I nodded, then grimaced. “Why do I need to go to the library, exactly?”
Olivia gaped. “That book you left for yourself didn't tell you anything important, did it?”

I shrugged. “It had a lot about local vernacular, what ponies eat, and some instructions that explained how to do basic stuff.”

“Basic stuff?”
“Standing, jumping, going to the bathroom- stuff everypony should know how to do.”

Olivia slapped her face with a hoof. “We're monster hunters. You're a mage- everypony calls you “Rail Gun,” because it's the technique you created, and what you're known for. You need to go to the library to read some spellbooks, because I'd really prefer that my battlemage companion can, you know, use magic. Conveniently, Twilight Sparkle also happens to be acquainted with the new mare that'll be working with us. She's a unicorn, too- her name's... Dixie? Something like that.”

“Alright,” I said, “anything else?”
“I can hoofle the supplies. You were kind enough to leave a list of the random crap you 'need'- you know, before you forgot how to stand.”

“Just be glad I'm a quick study.”
“... Is there any reason that you wanted me to get sawdust? I mean, the bag of holding is a pretty normal thing to want, but sawdust?”

I thought for a moment. “Sawdust is pretty explosive when it's all airborne,” I reflected, “kinda like flour, but more potent- tree sap burns pretty well, I think.”

“That explains the bag of flour...” She helped me with my saddlebags, tightening and adjusting various straps and bindings. “I'll come by the library when I'm finished. Don't do anything... stupid.”

I couldn't really think of anything to say about that, so I did what felt normal. I nodded a short, quick nod that Olivia would probably have missed, were she not looking so intently at me.

She frowned. “I don't mean that you're stupid- I know how smart you are- but... well, there are times that you just don't seem to understand things... things that normal, sane ponies have no trouble with.”

For some reason, that sounded just about right. Actually, it sounded like she knew me better than I knew myself- which, given the circumstances, isn't all that surprising, but... well... I thought it was pretty spot-on, alright?

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I rapped my hoof on the door of the tree/library. “Come in,” called a mare's voice. I opened the door with my horn's magical telekinesis thing, then entered, closing the door behind me. I wasn't sure why I closed it behind me, but it just felt odd to not do so. I could think of several reasons to close a door, but I was rather intrigued by the way I did it without thinking.

A purple unicorn trotted up to me, a smile on her face (I assumed that she was the mare named Twilight Sparkle). “Hi,” she said, “you're RG, right?”

“I'm pretty sure I am, yeah,” I said, not wanting to deal in certainties and absolutes until I could be certain, somehow.

She giggled and lifted a book with her magic and showed me the back cover, upon which a picture of a mare that looked an awful lot like me (or so I assumed, as I had yet to see my face). “You're a pretty funny pony,” she said, her wings flaring out and making me feel like she was really excited to meet me, “I really enjoyed your book. The theory and records were interesting, but the best part was definitely the humorous way you wrote it.”

“Funny,” I said, “I said the same thing.” I snickered. “The thing that was the same was the bit about me being funny.” I was quite amused.

“You said you were funny?” the bookkeeper asked, seemingly dumbfounded, “Your humor usually involves a fair deal of self-deprecation...”

I grimaced. 'How, precisely, do I explain my situation to her? I mean, I could tell her that I have amnesia, but... what if I don't?' Then I noticed something. “You have wings,” I said plane-ly (or, if you're a stuck-up, pun-hating monster, 'plainly').

Twilight nodded. She was looking more and more confused by the second. “Yes,” she said, “I'm an alicorn- a princess. My coronation was just awhile ago.”

“Oh, okay.”
She squinted at me. “You were there.”

I laughed nervously. “Maybe it was someon-pony who looked like me?” I almost said 'someone' instead of 'somepony,' for some odd reason.

“You gave me the first printed copy of your book, signed by you.”
“Then, why'd you greet me by asking who I was?”

“I wanted to make sure you weren't somepony else,” she said, “before I told you that your book was funny.”

She took a step back, away from me. Her horn glowed purple. “Tell me what's going on, RG,” she said sternly, “I don't want to have to hurt you, but if you're a danger to the ponies of Equestria...”

I grimaced. “I don't know. I don't know what happened to me. I don't know who I am, outside of what Olivia- and now you- have told me. I just... woke up today.”

“I've never heard of anything like that,” she said apprehensively, “but I can't take any chances.” She cleared her throat. “Hold Pony,” she commanded, sending a ray of purple magic at me.

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I stood in nothing, suspended in a void of inky darkness. I was not afraid, but... comforted.
“You've a long, hard path before you, my little pony,” said a voice, smooth like silk, emanating from everywhere. A pony- an alicorn- appeared before me. She was significantly larger than me, and a deep, dark shade of blue. Her mane, like a starry night sky, undulated on a nonexistent breeze. A silver crown was perched atop her head.

“Who... who are you?”
“I am Princess Luna,” she said, “we are very similar, you and I.”

“Are we?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“We are both... echoes. Of those we once were. Shadows of greatness... reflections.”

I frowned. “What does that mean, exactly?”
“It means that we must fight to exist, for if we falter, we will fade into oblivion.” She smiled sadly. “You needn't concern yourself with this; at least, not for now,” she said, “for now, you are in desperate need of knowledge, and while I cannot restore your memories, I can give you the means to fight as you once did.” She inclined her head, touching her horn to mine. There was a blue flash. “Good luck, my little pony. I pray you never need it.” Almost as if it was an afterthought, she added, “We will speak again tomorrow night. Hopefully, your situation will be more comfortable than your current one.”

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“Trixie,” said Twilight's voice, “there's something very odd about this pony... just... be careful, okay? I know we're not the best of friends, but...”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie appreciates your concern,” said the pony that I assumed was called Trixie, “but Trixie is more than capable of hoofling herself.”

“With all due respect, Princess, there's always been something very odd about RG,” said Olivia, “RG, you can stop pretending to be asleep, we're done talking about you.”

I opened my eyes. Twilight eyed me carefully, Olivia smiled, and the blue mare, who I guessed (I'll spare you the details on the complex logic and reasoning that went into the guess) was Trixie... wow. I blushed. She wore purple cape and wizard hat, and her mane was a light blue... and she had the most beautiful eyes...

I said the same thing that any reasonable pony wouldn't say upon meeting a beautiful mare. Well, actually, I didn't say any words. I just spewed gibberish.

She blushed, before making a proud face. “Aha,” she said, “another pony entranced by the Great and Powerful Trixie's beauty~!”

I realized then that I was still being held in place. I grimaced. “Dispel magic,” I growled, the blue flash of my horn visible at the top of my vision. Twilight's jaw dropped, as did Trixie's.

Trixie gaped. “How did you-”
“I wrote a book about it,” I said, surprising myself by knowing not only the spell, but the contents of the book. 'Thank you, Princess Luna,' I thought.

Trixie turned a look of astonishment onto Twilight. “You kept her magically bound in place for a whole day? 24 hours of Hold Pony?!” She shook her head. “And here I thought you were the embodiment of the Elements of Harmony,” she huffed.

Olivia nodded. “We've got a Hydra to deal with, anyways.”

Author's Note:

The chapter where the funny kicks in, and the misunderstandings begin.
I think Twilight did the right thing. RG's pretty freakin' crazy as-is.

Comments

[zaczac111]

"It's hard to explain, really, but you should think of it as RG telling a story."
People use the description to decide if something will be worth a read or not. Saying 'it's hard to explain' denotes you as an author, and will make people shy away from reading, or make those that do read it, read it much harsher than if you explained it. It should not be 'hard to explain', as you're the author, and you know what will happen.

"A strange and amusing one at that.
Chapter Two is actually funny! (Yay!)"
Please leave this for the viewer to decide... as saying this will make people expect a laugh... and if it doesn't deliver, then they will most definitely voice it.