2722395 Yep and AJ in the Terra group and...hmm...Twi in the powerful mages one(not the body swapper dudes) and...Pinks can join with AJ...RD would be...I dunno...
I like to say that was a grate start to a story. I do hope to see a new chapter soon. I can't wate to see what happens next. Well he be the immortal champ for the princesses? One that well uphold there laws? Time well tell. javascript:smilie('');
Okay, since you asked, here's my thoughts on the first chapter for now.
-First thing I noticed, you might wanna add an alternate universe tag to the story. Even though you have continuity to Season 3, Equestria seems so different with the establishing of the vampire clans that I think the tag is warranted.
-Comma usage. Some of your longer sentences are in dire need of some punctuation. Example:
Being outclan is the worst possible punishment for a vampire[,] it means no protection by the masters and no vampire may ever aid you[,] should you find yourself targeted by a Hunter.
See? That way it's much easier for the reader to digest. Instead of the first comma you could actually put a period. There's nothing wrong with short sentences.
-Exposition. I see you already made some changes there. It still is a little bit clunky, especially the first paragraphs. You wanna hook your reader right away, not just hit them over the head with exposition. You can still have it at a relevant point, but imagine this:
"Princess Luna. Princess Celestia ... I want you to kill me."
Imagine that one sentence is your first line. Nothing else. The reader is gonna ask: Who is that? Why does he want to die? Why is he asking the princesses? And then those questions will gradually be answered over the course of the chapter. You want to get people curious enough to read the entire thing.
-Speaking of your main character. For a guy with a death wish, he's pretty quick to come around to Luna's way of thinking. This is a guy who got out of bed this morning and decided: "This is gonna be the day I die." Make him contemplate it a little. Have Luna argue with him that his life has value, make her win him over through dialogue. Make her emotionally appeal to him by his connection to the Lunar Guard, maybe list his accomplishments to appeal to his sense of honor and duty. Explore why he joined the Guard in the first place perhaps. (Although that may actually be better in a later chapter.)
Also, he's tried dying in battle and it didn't work, so now he is asking to be executed. Why not suicide? I assume he wants to die with honor. But then you should address it and take the opportunity to give him some characterization. Honor is important to him. Otherwise people might think he's just too dumb to think of driving a stake through his own heart. (Or maybe vampires simply can't kill themselves. I don't know. But then again that should be made clear.)
-This:
I volunteered so that some poor maid wouldn’t agree to it out of fear of losing her job, even though the Princesses would never do such a thing.
Totally pointless. If the princesses would never do it, then there's no reason to even contemplate this line of reasoning. Sweetie Belle is the current Element of Generosity. She doesn't need any more motivation to volunteer. A nice nod to continuity could be to have her mention how Rarity cut off her tail and gave it to Steven Magnet during the Nightmare Moon crisis, thus earning her Element. You'd have a parallel between the first episode of MLP and the start of your story. By extension it would also show Sweetie as a worthy successor to her sister other than just being related by blood. (That's just a suggestion, by the way. You don't have to do it that way. But the line about the frightened maids, just axe it.)
-Finally there's a bit of a mood whiplash going on after the feeding. First Moon Strike is embarrassed about making Sweetie squeal and then he's suddenly cheeky, almost cocky, when telling her about the after effects. It should be one or the other the whole way, but not both.
That's probably the biggest problem at this point. I don't know anything about your protagonist right now. (Heck, I've forgotten his name twice while writing this and had to go back to check! That's not a good sign.) First he wants to die, then he doesn't. First he's embarrassed, then he's cocky. All I know is that he's half-vampire and his bite arouses lust. But I don't know anything about his character. (Well, he doesn't regard humans as simply food, so that's a start.) A good first chapter should lead me to relate to the protagonist on some level and he just doesn't have a whole lot of substance to him.
I hope that helps. I know what I said was pretty blunt in some places, but please do note that I think there's an interesting story to be told here. It just needs a little refinement. I'll try to go through the chapters one by one and give you some more feedback, when I have the time. Just remember that I am not all-knowing and might be wrong.
Belle? Is Sweetie or Rarity in that one?
2721863
Reasonable Question and no although I may take that route with one of them. I am still unsure as of yet.
2722105 It would make better sense with Rarity, cuz she so fine.
2722134
not to mention her obsession with beauty. nothing better than staying eternally preserved.
2722197 Exactly! Also Flutters in the one that allows animmal lovers...To lazy to go back and get name...
2722241
So I'm assuming you liked it so far then
2722395 Yep and AJ in the Terra group and...hmm...Twi in the powerful mages one(not the body swapper dudes) and...Pinks can join with AJ...RD would be...I dunno...
2722497
I'm currently writing the next chapter we will see where it goes
2722697 Cool *smiles* good luck mein fruend.
I like to say that was a grate start to a story. I do hope to see a new chapter soon. I can't wate to see what happens next. Well he be the immortal champ for the princesses? One that well uphold there laws? Time well tell. javascript:smilie('');
Is this based on Blade? Or is it just me
Okay, since you asked, here's my thoughts on the first chapter for now.
-First thing I noticed, you might wanna add an alternate universe tag to the story. Even though you have continuity to Season 3, Equestria seems so different with the establishing of the vampire clans that I think the tag is warranted.
-Comma usage. Some of your longer sentences are in dire need of some punctuation. Example:
See? That way it's much easier for the reader to digest. Instead of the first comma you could actually put a period. There's nothing wrong with short sentences.
-Exposition. I see you already made some changes there. It still is a little bit clunky, especially the first paragraphs. You wanna hook your reader right away, not just hit them over the head with exposition. You can still have it at a relevant point, but imagine this:
"Princess Luna. Princess Celestia ... I want you to kill me."
Imagine that one sentence is your first line. Nothing else. The reader is gonna ask: Who is that? Why does he want to die? Why is he asking the princesses? And then those questions will gradually be answered over the course of the chapter. You want to get people curious enough to read the entire thing.
-Speaking of your main character. For a guy with a death wish, he's pretty quick to come around to Luna's way of thinking. This is a guy who got out of bed this morning and decided: "This is gonna be the day I die." Make him contemplate it a little. Have Luna argue with him that his life has value, make her win him over through dialogue. Make her emotionally appeal to him by his connection to the Lunar Guard, maybe list his accomplishments to appeal to his sense of honor and duty. Explore why he joined the Guard in the first place perhaps. (Although that may actually be better in a later chapter.)
Also, he's tried dying in battle and it didn't work, so now he is asking to be executed. Why not suicide? I assume he wants to die with honor. But then you should address it and take the opportunity to give him some characterization. Honor is important to him. Otherwise people might think he's just too dumb to think of driving a stake through his own heart. (Or maybe vampires simply can't kill themselves. I don't know. But then again that should be made clear.)
-This:
Totally pointless. If the princesses would never do it, then there's no reason to even contemplate this line of reasoning. Sweetie Belle is the current Element of Generosity. She doesn't need any more motivation to volunteer. A nice nod to continuity could be to have her mention how Rarity cut off her tail and gave it to Steven Magnet during the Nightmare Moon crisis, thus earning her Element. You'd have a parallel between the first episode of MLP and the start of your story. By extension it would also show Sweetie as a worthy successor to her sister other than just being related by blood. (That's just a suggestion, by the way. You don't have to do it that way. But the line about the frightened maids, just axe it.)
-Finally there's a bit of a mood whiplash going on after the feeding. First Moon Strike is embarrassed about making Sweetie squeal and then he's suddenly cheeky, almost cocky, when telling her about the after effects. It should be one or the other the whole way, but not both.
That's probably the biggest problem at this point. I don't know anything about your protagonist right now. (Heck, I've forgotten his name twice while writing this and had to go back to check! That's not a good sign.) First he wants to die, then he doesn't. First he's embarrassed, then he's cocky. All I know is that he's half-vampire and his bite arouses lust. But I don't know anything about his character. (Well, he doesn't regard humans as simply food, so that's a start.) A good first chapter should lead me to relate to the protagonist on some level and he just doesn't have a whole lot of substance to him.
I hope that helps. I know what I said was pretty blunt in some places, but please do note that I think there's an interesting story to be told here. It just needs a little refinement. I'll try to go through the chapters one by one and give you some more feedback, when I have the time. Just remember that I am not all-knowing and might be wrong.