This is the tale of a unicorn named Dusk Fire. A troubled and traumatized pony. a beacon of innocence to his friends, but a pony who holds dark secrets.
You, fucking asshole! You used Ms. Wing from my fic. While we are on the topic of my fic, I find that this is a god time as ever to tell you that I will not be writing that peice of shit anymore, after all, I'm a reader, not a writer.
I might privately write it, just for you and adam. iv ejust lost all momentum on the story an dim confused as hell on it. at the very least, ill be taking a break. a LONG break...
Time to get down to business. And by business, I of course mean looking /way/ too deeply into a story to find all the flaws I can just to find them.
Okay, first thing that comes to mind - fornicate? The word choice doesn't seem that natural (I dunno?) - and more to the point, it doesn't mean what it is used for. It means teh sexings, not just a kiss.
I like how you're dealing with the whole Nightmare Moon thing, but... eh, it's just a matter of taste. Twilight Sparkle didn't seem to dismiss it too quickly, and I get more of the feeling that it's been forgotten rather than it isn't believed.
...
Okay, well, can't find anything more really to criticise anymore. And your story's definitely picked up. The stuff between Petal and the others seems a little clunky but not overly so.
You're showing signs of improvement in your skills here. Keep it up!
2826818 Well, I'm a little rusty on definitions, and Dusk is a calculating pony, but I agree, it doesn't seem very natural in the context.
The Nightmare Moon thing is a sort of prelude. Seeing as though I am writing a fic centred in Ponyville featuring Dusk, I thought I'd hint at a few things.
The Petal stuff is, eh. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with that. The raw aspect of the relationship between Lavender and Dusk seems more appealing.
You, fucking asshole! You used Ms. Wing from my fic. While we are on the topic of my fic, I find that this is a god time as ever to tell you that I will not be writing that peice of shit anymore, after all, I'm a reader, not a writer.
2826350
Shit, I was stuck for ideas, lol. And you're not writing you're fic anymore?
I was looking forward to reading that.
2826377
I might privately write it, just for you and adam. iv ejust lost all momentum on the story an dim confused as hell on it. at the very least, ill be taking a break. a LONG break...
*cracks his knuckles*
Time to get down to business. And by business, I of course mean looking /way/ too deeply into a story to find all the flaws I can just to find them.
Okay, first thing that comes to mind - fornicate? The word choice doesn't seem that natural (I dunno?) - and more to the point, it doesn't mean what it is used for. It means teh sexings, not just a kiss.
I like how you're dealing with the whole Nightmare Moon thing, but... eh, it's just a matter of taste. Twilight Sparkle didn't seem to dismiss it too quickly, and I get more of the feeling that it's been forgotten rather than it isn't believed.
...
Okay, well, can't find anything more really to criticise anymore. And your story's definitely picked up. The stuff between Petal and the others seems a little clunky but not overly so.
You're showing signs of improvement in your skills here. Keep it up!
2826818
Well, I'm a little rusty on definitions, and Dusk is a calculating pony, but I agree, it doesn't seem very natural in the context.
The Nightmare Moon thing is a sort of prelude. Seeing as though I am writing a fic centred in Ponyville featuring Dusk, I thought I'd hint at a few things.
The Petal stuff is, eh. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with that. The raw aspect of the relationship between Lavender and Dusk seems more appealing.