Drjones168
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Really enjoyed the first part- apart from a few simple typos very well written and engaging! Looking forward to the second chapter!
Wow awesome
Aweome chapter. really like how this is going.
Onwarts to the next one
2751452
Haha, thanks, mate. I'm working on chapter 3 at the moment. I really enjoy writing this!
2751474
Thats all you need. the will to make a great story
So, tell me guys, is this fic good? Are you looking forward to each chapter? I know I look forward to writing the next chapter, and seeing you fave my fic. I'd like to hear more from you guys though, y'all seem to be a bit quiet!
I really. Like this although I'm wondering is your pic what dusk fire looks like or not?
2762746
Yes. My current profile picture is an image of Dusk Fire. I liked the design I made for him, so I decided I'd use him as a profile pic
He kinda overreacted at her statement after e hugged her. Hugs are supposed to lighten the mood.
Also, you could've led into his cutie mark story better, but it's okay as-is.
Good story though. I usually insta-dislike if its completely made of OCs but I haven't yet.
2765391
Thanks! Any suggestions are great, and I'm open to criticism.
I wanted to go for a more... emotional scene with the hug. Dusk is a very complex character, he may seem rather perfect on the outside, but he is infinitely more complex on the inside. His exterior demeanour is a clever ruse that he has perfected over the years without Jet. Many ponies don't appreciate his character and personality.
He lets these walls down when he hugs Petal, so when she makes that flirtatious comment, he is quite vulnerable.
I'll see what I can do about the cutie mark story, but it is more or less set in stone at the moment.
I love how 171 people have viewed this story, and not one of them has disliked it!
Thanks guys!
Okay. Couple of errors (scripture where you mean script, a couple of mis-capitalised 'i's). Technically pretty good. I'd suggest laying the 'so good' stuff a little less thick (understanding stuff ten times what the professor is doing, magical prodigy, super good looks, being able to beat up the bullies that nobody else has before beaten). Numbers should usually be written out, but that's just a matter of preference, really.
Dusk Fire seems a little under-developed. You focus on the bullying of Jet, and perhaps unfairly - if the bullies have been such for a long time, they'll know when to stop dishing out the pain. Either they'd be aware of the porous bones or not. The other part of that is that the Pegasus ponies were (apparently) the military side of Pre-Equestria. Having porous bones wouldn't help there.
Another thing that feels a little wrong is the characterisation of the fillies, because they don't seem to have any personality in this story. They seem like they're just there so that Dusk Fire can be 'I don't want such shallow fillies!' at them. The bullies also seem to have little characterisation other than 'We're really mean'.
The teachers seem a little different from what I'd expect them to be, but I suppose that's just a matter of taste. Also - shouldn't be English, should be Equestrian.
Anyway, there's my thoughts on Chapter 1.
2790452
Yes. The 'so good' aspects I am aware of, and I have tried to dumb them down a little in later chapters. There are many errors, I do realise that. The first chapter is a starting point, and I feel the story gets better in later chapters. The fillies and bullies are portrayed as they are, because Dusk is a judgmental pony. He sees things for face value, as is portrayed by the 'under developed' characters. (I must add that this is the best criticism I have gotten so far.)
There are many reason why I have written this story as it is. The pegasi are no longer such brutish fighters, and a 1000 year span gives time for some evolution, don't you think?
There are many trivial errors in this fic, I am not a fully fledged brony, so it has been mildly difficult to stick to the terms of the fandom, but I shall make the changes where necessary.
I must thank you for picking this out, no one else has and I had worried that these aspects of the story would get to some readers. I'll do my best to rectify these preferential errors.
So, Chapter Two.
Dusk Fire's got a problem with Maths, it seems. Okay, that's cool. Buuuuut... so does everypony else. Room for development in this area. We've still got Dusk Fire (at a minimum) being just as good as everypony else. The headmaster and the Maths teacher seem...well, they seem more than a little 'off'. The headmaster knows about the two main bullies and doesn't do anything about it? These two bullies that nopony else has fought off before?
Dusk Fire's display with Lavender isn't a bad thing. But he seems a little strange. Lavender doesn't hold much of a grudge, either. Eh, character stuff. I'll wait on seeing about a bit more reasoning behind why he suddenly cares about filly that is just like all the others he doesn't care about.
Petal's friends - Seems like you're setting up a similar group to the show. Two of each race, no? It could work, but I think for a fic that's a bit too many characters to deal with at once, especially now you've got us looking at Lavender, the teachers, the head master, and Dusk's mum, too. It'll require a lot more work.
I didn't notice any errors, but one thing I would change is the accent. It's cute, but it isn't needed and causes a bit of ruckus. Just my opinion, though.
2790486
Well, for a start, Lavender won't be seen, and most of Petal's friends won't be referenced much either. They are really only there to provide a sort of... background to Petal.
Dusk is woefully bad at maths, worse than many other ponies. And Lavender is just one of those fillies that just doesn't care I guess.
Dusk is modelled off of me, a bit. Apart from the dashing good looks, we are very alike. I know it's a bit of a self insert, but you have to start somewhere, right?
And you could think of the relationship between the bullies and the headmaster like that of the LAPD and Mickey Cohen, you can't make an arrest without evidence.
And I'll admit Petal's friends are like those from the show. I suck at designing ponies. Also, what do you mean by cute?
Alright, Chapter Three, here I come. So. First up! His dad's appeared on the scene. Cool as cool, but this is the first mention we've had of him in the story. Especially since he seems to be so important to Dusk, this should have happened earlier.
So his idea of trying to trick Petal into disliking him? I... I'm not sure how I feel about that. Petal's kind of strange herself - she seems to have a bit of a problem with her own self-esteem (certainly would fit into the Pinkie Pie mould there, if that's what you're going for). 'Not that interesting', though? That's pretty harsh on herself.
So, what next... The hug. Heh, brings to mind one of my characters, Friesden. Look at the Coupledye Chronicles if you're interested in her, but that 'wanting it to last forever' seems to be pretty common. So. Setting up Petal as a love interest, possibly competing with Lavender (but I don't think so. I think Lavender is going to be the friend of the lot, if anything)? I like it.
What I'd go to from here:
1. Got a group of friends. Teachers either don't care or ignore them. Stick together.
2. Magic Teacher seems fairly sympathetic. They possibly help her with something (this would be when Lavender stops being 'PLI' and starts being 'comrade in hooves').
3. Prove Math Teacher wrong about being sucky at maths. Lavender probably saves the day here!
4. Bullies show up again. POSSIBLY Dusk Fire befriends them.
5. Jet comes back and sees he's been replaced! WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
2790486
Also, most of my ideas come from personal experiences, or renditions of personal experiences. It is very loosely based on my life, to be honest. And I do mean VERY loosely. Dusk does have some issues, and I am trying to bring those forward as well. His character develops slowly, but I'm trying to develop it through showing, instead of telling. I could just come out and say Dusk is this, Dusk is that, but that would seriously shorten my chapters.
This is my first fic, and I'm planning on writing a second one after this. I'll keep your critique in mind and try to make my second character a little less... perfect.
This fic doesn't really stand out from the crowd, there are many others like it, but it has my touch, and I am very proud of it. Most of your critique is preferential, and is your opinion, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have any fruit to it. I'll keep it in mind for later chapters and stories.
This is a very touching story so far, and this chapter very beautifully sad. A father's sacrifice of his passion to spend his life with his son is a noble and honorable sacrifice.
2790522
Thanks, Poetic. That's what I was going for, to be honest.
Okay, not my favourite chapter here in Chapter Four, and I'll tell you why.
Problem the First - Flashback scenes which don't tell the story.
Okay, yeah, like Jet. But this isn't his story, and this isn't going to influence the story. This is, to put it less politely, a waste of space. Conservation of detail is something you have to worry about. We don't care that Rainbow Dash is Jet's friend. We don't care that Dusk's dad knows Rainbow's parent. That's because neither of those characters are a part of the story.
Problem the Second - Importance of Characters.
You know the old stereotype of Mary Sues? Someone makes an original character and inserts it in a fan fic, and suddenly, every major character is obsessed with them - even if it makes them out-of-character.
Rainbow Dash goes out of character for this. She's being shipped with a character who isn't even an important character in this fic! There's no time for explanation, there's no time to explore what happened to cause this, there's no reasoning behind it other than that they were friends, and we don't even see why! This is like hearing, in Star Wars A New Hope, that off on the other side of the galaxy, the Emperor is having trouble with pirates. So? We don't care about the Emperor, we don't care about pirates, we don't care about the other side of the galaxy, we care about Luke Skywalker rescuing Leia and blowing up the Death Star.
Problem the Third - Wasted Opportunity.
Conservation of detail. This chapter could have explored the past by letting us see what Dusk's new friends are doing and his comparing them to Jet. Petal tries to act boyish to try and get Dusk that way, and he remembers old Rainbow Dash and how Jet called her one of the most boyish fillies ever. And that reminds him of why Jet left.
See, that has character development, plot development, character history, and even ties in with the show itself. That's why that's under 'Wasted Opportunity'.
Well, that's basically it. Technically well executed.
2790514
I hope you're optimistic about this.
Anyway, Lavender isn't going to be mentioned much, she was just there to show Dusk's angrier, and subsequently, gentlemanlier side. Petal wasn't really trying to fit the Pinkie Pie mould, however.
And Dusk has an interesting way of testing a friend's worth, as do I.
The bullies, well, I'm not going to give anything away there. Right now, I'm limiting my explanations because it would completely ruin the story.
2790550
Gah. That's a bit harsh.
The whole flashback thing is part of the story, trust me. Jet has a pivotal role in this story, and this Flashback is supposed to provide some background information on the relationship between Dusk and Jet. Although I do like your ideas with Petal, I'd much rather keep the chapter the way it is. It does have relevance to the story. It's not quite obvious yet, but Jet does appear somewhere in the fic. And an emotional reunion would seem odd if we didn't know why it was so emotional. You'll find that you WILL care about this chapter.
Also, I am well aware that RD is out of character. This is a romance, not a comedy, sooooo, yeah.
Chapter Five - First major error! One of the ponies sprouted a hand!
So, cutting back to the start. Okay. Dusk Fire's running off by himself. He's quite broken down by that flashback, and it seems to flip his character around from the durable, forceful, willful character before hand. Focus a bit more on this. Tell us why he's felt so badly about Jet leaving him. I mean, sure, he's a friend, but that traumatised over him leaving? I dunno, it feels very off.
Next - He notices how Rainbow Dash is with Jet, but every other mare is just around because he looks good? He doesn't like other mares much at all. I want this explained. Was there another mare who broke his heart? Did some filly toy with his feelings like he thinks the others will?
Also, Team Lavender Fire. And you can't stop me!
He's a fragile pony - and more fragile than before. The mares he didn't want to date or whatever because they were all shallow. But now it's because he's too vulnerable? This needs some clarification.
Anyway, yeah, that's my thoughts.
2790586
Right, yeah.
Uhm. First off, you're making it pretty hard for me to justify this. Chapter five is a little rag tag, the beginning, I'll give you that. I'll pull the 'first fic card' here and stick with it.
I'll see what I can do about the whole background around RD and Dusk. I'll have to read what I wrote and write something new.
Anyway, thanks for the critique.
I guess you can't please everypony....
2790495
By 'cute', I mean contrived to charm. The accent isn't necessary, but it's inserted so that people can identify the character without relying on characterisation.
2790521
Showing rather than telling is a good way to do it, but...eh, I dunno. I'm a fan of short stories, if you hadn't guessed by the ones I've written :P
2790553
Awww, no Lavender. Well, I suppose I'll just have to make do.
2790569
Yes. That is part of the problem with reviewing a story piece-meal. Got no real context to understand how the rest of it will develop. And it's a fair cop, guv. I'm very harsh. Doesn't mean I don't like people being harsh about my own work :P You can tell when I don't care about stuff, because it's when I'm not being harsh :P
2790591
Don't get me wrong. I'm liking the story. It's a good first story idea. And don't worry about the things that go wrong anyway. Everyone's first story is terrible.
2790610
Lavender may or may not make an appearance, I don't know yet.
This story is definitely in it's early stages, and I can see how much of your critique is based on the fact that there isn't much to work with.
Yeah, I was thinking of making this a short story, but it goes all the way to university, It probably won't be uber long, no use putting in a section for year nine, or anything for school life.
I also tried to add a bit of background into the fifth chapter, it's a feeble attempt, but tell me what you think.
2790617
Looks pretty good.
Really, you don't need to worry about changing the chapters you've written. Just keep it in mind for what you're writing next, heh.
2790627
Will do. Thanks for the critique, once again. I'll have to go over a few things, but I do have a good idea of where this fic is going to go.
I will fucking murder anyone who dislikes this story. I am serious
This was so awesome and original. The pacing was perfect and the story telling was great. Cant wait to read more.
2811158
Holy crap! Thanks! I wrote this for the reader's enjoyment, so when I get comments like this, I know my efforts aren't wasted!
You, fucking asshole! You used Ms. Wing from my fic. While we are on the topic of my fic, I find that this is a god time as ever to tell you that I will not be writing that peice of shit anymore, after all, I'm a reader, not a writer.
2826350
Shit, I was stuck for ideas, lol. And you're not writing you're fic anymore?
I was looking forward to reading that.
2826377
I might privately write it, just for you and adam. iv ejust lost all momentum on the story an dim confused as hell on it. at the very least, ill be taking a break. a LONG break...
*cracks his knuckles*
Time to get down to business. And by business, I of course mean looking /way/ too deeply into a story to find all the flaws I can just to find them.
Okay, first thing that comes to mind - fornicate? The word choice doesn't seem that natural (I dunno?) - and more to the point, it doesn't mean what it is used for. It means teh sexings, not just a kiss.
I like how you're dealing with the whole Nightmare Moon thing, but... eh, it's just a matter of taste. Twilight Sparkle didn't seem to dismiss it too quickly, and I get more of the feeling that it's been forgotten rather than it isn't believed.
...
Okay, well, can't find anything more really to criticise anymore. And your story's definitely picked up. The stuff between Petal and the others seems a little clunky but not overly so.
You're showing signs of improvement in your skills here. Keep it up!
2826818
Well, I'm a little rusty on definitions, and Dusk is a calculating pony, but I agree, it doesn't seem very natural in the context.
The Nightmare Moon thing is a sort of prelude. Seeing as though I am writing a fic centred in Ponyville featuring Dusk, I thought I'd hint at a few things.
The Petal stuff is, eh. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with that. The raw aspect of the relationship between Lavender and Dusk seems more appealing.
*Le Dies
3173915
Was it not to your liking? I'm sorry if you don't like it, mate, but I really can't change that. I can't please everyone.
3173921 I died out of excitement not out of hate <3
3176025
Oh, well in that case, thanks!
very gud, very gud
even though the wait was forever, i guess it was worth the wait..
can't wait for the next one
btw, try to be faster next time ^_^
other then that, Very Gud.
3225031
Yeah, I'm really sorry about the wait. I have school at the moment and my pc broke down over the holidays. I was planning on pumping out a few more chapters, but because of my pc's malfunction, I couldn't. School is taking up most of my time at the moment, last term and all, and I'm focusing more on that. Stay tuned and I'll guarantee there will be more chapters on the way.
- Dusk
3304006
Awknoledged
This is a reeeeeaaaaaally good story, keep it up!
We need more!!
I look forward to the next chatper
That sounds alot like Twilight excluding the Cutie Mark.
So he's a... Country-Brit?
4449911
Well, I won't lie. the appearance is inspired from Twi.
4450129
XD I got a little Aussie, there...