Jamarcus in Equestria

by Shadowstalker

Arriving at the castle.

Jamarcus nearly threw up when the chariot had landed. He did throw up, when he had to suddenly be taken on one.

"How I get air sick, and not get sick when I fly in a space ship," he said leaning on a guard. "I'll never know."

The guard grunted and he quickly got off. Looking around, the large castle dominated his vision. It was mainly made from white stone, intricately made and colored towers were strewn about, the two large doors were made of solid gold and coming out from them was a large battalion of guards.

Shining Armor was in the front, ordering both Solar and Lunar guards as the princess and a creature stood there in silence. When the guards had made a complete ring, in front and above, the two he came out to confront Jamarcus.

"Princess, if you may, just give the order and I will have it be put out of the castle grounds." He said.

"Shining Armor," Celestia said. "You will not touch him, understood? Jamarcus is here only by accident."

"Your Majesty?" He said. "His name is Jamarcus? And it is a he?"

"No," Jamarcas said rolling his eyes. "I'm a girl. I just forgot my dress and purse at home. Yes I'm a guy. Didn't you ever learn sex ed?"

"Hey, there's no need for insults." Shining said.

"And there's no need for so many guards."

All three of them turned to see the eight guards from before. One of them stepped out and stood in front of the captain.

"Jamarcus, the alien, saved us from being killed just an hour ago." He said. "We owe him our lives."

There was resounding chorus of 'Yeah!' in the air as the other seven guards nodded in agreement. Shining Armor looked back to Jamarcus before raising a hoof, lowering it, the other guards fell back making a straight line to the golden doors.

As Celestia calmly went forward, Jamarcus crawled along on the ground. Looking around, he jumped halfway from the doors onto the top of the left one. The guards he saved gave an appreciative whistle, one even clapped his hooves once.

Celestia paused, looking up she saw Jamarcus looking down and then jump to a pillar. Nodding to him, she turned and went straight to the throne room. He quickly followed her, crawling on the wall, he saw the two guards look up and their mouth's fall open.

"Top of the morning fella's." Jamarcus greeted before crawling down and then skittering into the throne room.

As he was about to stand, he was thrown back against the all and felt something go tight around his neck. Looking wildly around, he saw a blue alicorn staring at him with Celestia looking at her in what appeared to be shock.

He let out a high pitched growl before lifting his arms and legs up against the wall. Pushing with all his strength in a sudden burst, he saw her eyes widen slightly before he was launched forward.

He slammed into the mare with enough force to knock her down, she tried to get up but was quickly grabbed by the back legs and thrown into her own throne.

"Luna! Jamarcus!" Celestia said putting a wall of solar magic between them. "Stop this violence this instant!"

They wouldn't be having any of that though; Jamarcus jumped clear over the wall and used the top to leap at Luna again. As he was halfway through the air, it clicked that Celestia was an alicorn too.

Luna, putting up a shield, narrowed her eyes as Jamarcus came down. Charging her horn again, she readied to blast him through the doors.

He landed, but instead of attacking again, he stepped back and went to Celestia's side. Looking at her, he stood and put his hands behind his back.

"Sister?" Luna said letting her shield down. "Thou knows this creature?"

"Yes, Luna, he saved eight of my guards and the elements an hour ago." Celestia said. "I'm terribly sorry for my sister attacking you, Jamarcus."

"We did not attack anypony!" Luna said hotly. "We were defending thee!"

"So, while I was just crawling in here," Jamarcus said. "You decide to slam me into a wall and cut off my intestinal tube. You, attacked me first." He said pointing a finger at her. "If I wanted, I could have torn Celestia's skin off at any moment I chose to do so. I could have snapped you neck instead of throwing you. You're lucky I'm half pacifist."

Both alicorns were now glaring at him, he raised his hands in defense. Sighing, Celestia went over to her sister and set her upright before sitting on her own throne. Looking down at him again, she passed a glance towards her sister who had calmed down.

"Jamarcus, make yourself comfortable, we have much to discuss." Celestia said.

He sat down on the grown, hands placed in front of him.

"Now," Celestia said. "I understand that your ship crashed while you were going to visit a friend, is that correct?"

"Yes. I was on my way to the Orion Nebula. Some way there, there was a malfunction in the engine and, having an entire six pack of beer, I was just yelling at the screen to fix it." He shrugged.

"I see..." She said. "What is it you do, occupation wise?"

"I work at the Costco with my friend Evan." He said. "We had to blow up the first one though... On account of an entire alien invasion."

Celestia nodded, looking to her sister Luna spoke next.

"Thou speaks of an invasion, pray tell, did thee have any part of it?" She asked letting him hear the edge in her voice.

"W-Well, at first, but a certain event made me see that Earthling's, my friends, were more than simple targets. So, revealing myself, I ran off after they rejected me... But, I came back later and helped them stop the invasion. Now, I'm hanging out with my best friends when we go out patrolling the neighborhood. I'm part of the neighborhood watch."

"We see." She said. "Mine sister says that thou saved eight of her guards and personal friends of mine, what did thou save them from that the guards could not?"

"That piece of malfunctioning, worthless, junk of computer in the ship." He said. "I ask for it to bring me back using a gravity tether, and it sends out a war drone that nearly killed us all. You know, I'm going to tear that things motherboard out, if it doesn't listen to me one more time."

"What is a... War drone?" She asked.

"A war drone, is a standard, lightly armed, nearly harmless robot of the Ceropian's. We mainly use it for recon and if necessary, defense. The computer though, sent it out to exterminate all lifeforms present. Including me, incase anyone was wondering." He pointed at the chard carapace of his chest. "This still stings by the way. Could I maybe get some ointment later?"

She nodded before sitting back down. Celestia spoke again, rising from her throne.

"Jamarcus, I would like to see what made you change your mind to betray your own kind."

"U-Uh, that's not a good idea, well, what I mean to say, is you really don't want to see it." He said jumping to a pillar. "A lady mustn't view such things, it's not proper."

"What would not be proper, is letting an unknown being wander around without the co-ruler knowing if he has any ill intentions towards my sister's and my ponies. I am just going to look through your memories."

Gulping, he slowly crawled down before standing again. Celestia approached and, lighting her horn quickly, put it to his fore-head. He looked down in curiosity and fear as her face twisted into confusion. Pulling back, she looked him in the eye before speaking slowly.

"Jamarcus, where is your brain? I can't seem to find any thought whatsoever."

"That's because that's not where my brain is." He said looking away.

"Then where is it?" She asked.

"I don't think you want to know. Really, you don't want to know." He said nervously.

"Jamarcus, where is you brain?" She asked again. "I will not ask again."

"You... Fine. But be warned, it's in a strange place." He said. "It's actually in my crotch."

All the noise in the room vanished immediately. He looked away, his back turning a greenish yellow from embarrassment while Celestia stood in shock. Clearing her throat, she forgot the blush in her cheeks and blocked out Luna's snickering.

"Jamarcus, is that really where it is?" She asked slowly. "Your brain?"

"Yes... As awkward as it is." He said whistling. "If you like, we could, maybe, just get a doctor to do it?"

"No, as co-ruler of Equestria, I'm afraid I must do this." She said.

Gulping, she lit her horn again and slowly lowered her head down. Feeling the strain on her neck, she got down on all fours making Luna's laughter increase. Just as she was about to make the connection, the doors opened.

"Princess Celestia, we got here... Oh." Twilight skidded to a halt. Blushing she quickly turned away, but not before her friends caught a glimpse. "W-We can come back... I-If that's alright?"

"I swear, this is not what it looks like!" Jamarcus yelled throwing his hands in the air. "Celestia, I'm sorry, but this is just too weird. Just take my word for it, the only way I'm going to hurt one of your subjects, is if I hug one of them too tight."

Celestia nodded, turning she squeezed her eyes shut as Luna's laughter finally exploded.

The windows broke, Celestia, the guards, the elements and even Jamarcus were flung back as the Royal Canterlot Voice was unleashed like a well made dubstep.

Jamarcus, sinking his claws into the marble floor, pulled himself to the doors and slowly closed them. With the vibrations of Luna's laughter going throughout the castle, he laid back in exhaustion.

"Screw you all," he said. "I'm going to sleep."

Comments

[Mistershield]

Well, i think it's obvious. He;s going to look for a pony to do things to his balls.

[mapu]

lol

[The Valeyard]

This story is freaking awesome!!! :D