You used Site instead of Sight at least once, you really need to separate paragraphs a bit better, and it was really brief. Some more detail on his surprise at her weapons, a bit more scene-setting and world-building, and it would make a huge improvement. Definitely go into more detail about the town and the train. It's the first time he's seen a train or town, right? That's the sort of thing that he'd be paying extra attention to.
The town sure looked deserted as we neared it; there was nopony in site, friendly or otherwise. I saw a colt take off towards us at high speeds and the winged mare immediately kicked in her weapons and aimed at him.
Where'd the colt come from? Was he just sitting outside? Hiding in one of the buildings? Did he even come from the town, or just come running from a different direction? It's like writing "A Wild Colt appeared!" We know there's a colt that suddenly showed up, but that's it.
The train's another issue. From what I read, it just stops in the middle of nowhere. Is there a station? Does it actually come into the town, or is it some distance away?
“Neighberry, this colt has family there, Hayditch is dead, ghoul ponies got them all”
2614592 It's a bit better. Still some errors, and some of your phrasing still seems kinda odd. Enourmous should be Enormous. Coulda Have should be Could Have or Could'a/Could've, not both. To/Too is mixed up a couple of times; "We're going to the train" or "The train was too loud" are how they should be used.
I like it so far, though. Twenty chapters from now, when you're writing 10k word epics that leap from the screen and grab our attention, you'll probably look back at these early chapters and marvel at how far you've come. Or you'll rewrite them all. Lots of us end up doing that.
'She looked at that thing on her fore-hoof again and then held I to me, pointing at it.
“We’re here, Neighberry is here, roughly a four hour walk northwest into Ghastly Gorge, a bunch of ponies built a big town out of a lot of the materials scavenged from there. It’s built right on the river”
She looked to me, “We can’t take him, it’s too dangerous, don’t know what will be waiting for us on the way there, and I’m low on ammo”'
Could be something like...
'Raining looked down at the contraption on her foreleg, and held it up to me once she found the town. She quickly pointed out the town for me and I saw it wasn't to far away, but as I looked up at the sky i saw it was starting to get dark.
"We're here, Neighberry is over here. Roughly a four hour walk. To get there we'd have to go into Ghastly Gorge. A bunch of ponies built a settlement over there, right beside the river. We wouldn't be able to make it there before nightfall though."
She turned to face me and looked right into my eye's. "We can't take him though. Even if we managed to make it there before nightfall we would have to be running most of the time and I don't think that he would even be able to stand up for a few minutes at the moment."
I opened my mouth to protest but she continued hoping to drive the point home.
"Even if you carried him. We would run into at least, at a minimum a few dangerous ponies or creatures and with you outta the fight carrying him it would be up to me to defend you as well as myself and I would probably run out of ammo for before we got there."
I opened my mouth to talk again, but she placed her hoof over my mouth and kept talking.
"Please, just listen to me." She lowered her hoof and stared into my eye's. "Please." She pleaded.'
And cut this bit out...
'"Fly?” She stretched out her wings with a slight winne and shook her head.
I looked around for something of use, but found nothing.'
I know that's a lot but, I just think the ponies need a little more depth and I personally think that Raining should care more about him. He saved her life and now she feel's like she owe's him. Something like that. And anyway, it's just a suggestion.
You used Site instead of Sight at least once, you really need to separate paragraphs a bit better, and it was really brief.
Some more detail on his surprise at her weapons, a bit more scene-setting and world-building, and it would make a huge improvement.
Definitely go into more detail about the town and the train. It's the first time he's seen a train or town, right? That's the sort of thing that he'd be paying extra attention to.
Where'd the colt come from? Was he just sitting outside? Hiding in one of the buildings? Did he even come from the town, or just come running from a different direction?
It's like writing "A Wild Colt appeared!" We know there's a colt that suddenly showed up, but that's it.
The train's another issue. From what I read, it just stops in the middle of nowhere. Is there a station? Does it actually come into the town, or is it some distance away?
Who's talking here?
2613557 i edited some. Check it out
2614592 It's a bit better. Still some errors, and some of your phrasing still seems kinda odd.
Enourmous should be Enormous. Coulda Have should be Could Have or Could'a/Could've, not both.
To/Too is mixed up a couple of times; "We're going to the train" or "The train was too loud" are how they should be used.
I like it so far, though.
Twenty chapters from now, when you're writing 10k word epics that leap from the screen and grab our attention, you'll probably look back at these early chapters and marvel at how far you've come.
Or you'll rewrite them all. Lots of us end up doing that.
2645590
Thanks for the notice, fixed it
'She looked at that thing on her fore-hoof again and then held I to me, pointing at it.
“We’re here, Neighberry is here, roughly a four hour walk northwest into Ghastly Gorge, a bunch of ponies built a big town out of a lot of the materials scavenged from there. It’s built right on the river”
She looked to me, “We can’t take him, it’s too dangerous, don’t know what will be waiting for us on the way there, and I’m low on ammo”'
Could be something like...
'Raining looked down at the contraption on her foreleg, and held it up to me once she found the town. She quickly pointed out the town for me and I saw it wasn't to far away, but as I looked up at the sky i saw it was starting to get dark.
"We're here, Neighberry is over here. Roughly a four hour walk. To get there we'd have to go into Ghastly Gorge. A bunch of ponies built a settlement over there, right beside the river. We wouldn't be able to make it there before nightfall though."
She turned to face me and looked right into my eye's. "We can't take him though. Even if we managed to make it there before nightfall we would have to be running most of the time and I don't think that he would even be able to stand up for a few minutes at the moment."
I opened my mouth to protest but she continued hoping to drive the point home.
"Even if you carried him. We would run into at least, at a minimum a few dangerous ponies or creatures and with you outta the fight carrying him it would be up to me to defend you as well as myself and I would probably run out of ammo for before we got there."
I opened my mouth to talk again, but she placed her hoof over my mouth and kept talking.
"Please, just listen to me." She lowered her hoof and stared into my eye's. "Please." She pleaded.'
And cut this bit out...
'"Fly?” She stretched out her wings with a slight winne and shook her head.
I looked around for something of use, but found nothing.'
I know that's a lot but, I just think the ponies need a little more depth and I personally think that Raining should care more about him. He saved her life and now she feel's like she owe's him. Something like that. And anyway, it's just a suggestion.