I see a lot of story ideas being thrown around, but most of them get abandoned pretty quickly. It's great to see one actually get written.
Some of your phrasing seems a bit off, or awkward to read. Here's the most obvious one:
But it was the symbol of my place in the tribe. We all made them; mine was weaved from my mother, father and my own mane.
It took me a moment to realise you meant it was weaved from their manes, not made with his parent's bones.
Could use a little work in the scene-setting, and you should give chapters a read-through or two before putting them up, just to catch the things that slip through.
It's good and I like it, but if you don't mind I'll point out a few more mistakes , or what I think are mistakes anyway.
'We all made them; mine was weaved from my mother, father and my own mane. With a small bone carved in the shape of a small knife.'
Should be something like this.
'All the ponies in the tribe made one when they were younger. I made my with the help of my parents when I was just a filly. It was hoof weaved out of my mother's, father's and my own mane. With just a small bone carved into the shape of a knife attached to the hair.'
It still sounds a bit bland but that's only off the top of my head.
I see a lot of story ideas being thrown around, but most of them get abandoned pretty quickly. It's great to see one actually get written.
Some of your phrasing seems a bit off, or awkward to read. Here's the most obvious one:
It took me a moment to realise you meant it was weaved from their manes, not made with his parent's bones.
Could use a little work in the scene-setting, and you should give chapters a read-through or two before putting them up, just to catch the things that slip through.
Like that.
Pretty good overall, though. Have a like for now.
2577335 Since you seem to know better what you're talking about. Would you like to be my proofreader?
It's good and I like it, but if you don't mind I'll point out a few more mistakes , or what I think are mistakes anyway.
'We all made them; mine was weaved from my mother, father and my own mane. With a small bone carved in the shape of a small knife.'
Should be something like this.
'All the ponies in the tribe made one when they were younger. I made my with the help of my parents when I was just a filly. It was hoof weaved out of my mother's, father's and my own mane. With just a small bone carved into the shape of a knife attached to the hair.'
It still sounds a bit bland but that's only off the top of my head.