Friendship is Drama

by HipsterShiningArmor

III: Letter to the Princess

"Aw, it's so cute!" The being shouted, and Spike had a bad feeling she was talking about him. Not surprisingly, she was.

Before Spike could react, he was picked up and cuddled up against her chest. Initially, Spike wasn't sure whether he was upset over being treated like a stuffed animal or happy because he got close physical contest with this mysterious yet strangely attractive... whatever she is. Eventually, Spike learned to stop worrying and love the tits.

"I'm not entirely sure what you are, but you are so cute," she exclaimed again, "Ooh, I'm going to call you Tyler. My boyfriend's name is Tyler, but I can't seem to find him anywhere."

"My name is Spike," Spike managed to squeak out from being crushed under the weight of her absolutely massive jugs.

"That's a much better name for you then Tyler," Lindsay said, "It matches the scales on your body. I'm Lindsay."

"Hi, Lindsay," Spike said again, "Can you put me down now, I can't breathe."

"Sorry," Lindsay said, and quickly dropped Spike... meaning that he landed on his ass from several feet up.

"Ow," he said, "Thanks."

"Spike, who are you talking to?" Spike heard the voice of Twilight Sparkle call.

He really wasn't entirely sure how to answer that question, as he had yet to figure out what Lindsay was. So, he decided to wait until Twilight reached the front of their house and let her see for herself.

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best idea, but then again, he couldn't really anticipate Lindsay's reaction upon seeing the purple alicorn.

Twilight had to blink and rub her eyes when she saw Lindsay, just to make sure she wasn't dreaming or hallucinating. She had heard of humans before, she had read up a few books on the subject and of course she had heard Lyra prattle on about humans more than she would like to, but up until this point they were squarely under the mythology section. There was no proof that they existed or that they had ever existed at all, and yet, here one was, standing in her living room.

Well, only one thing to do at this point. Shake hooves and say hello.

"Hello, human female," Twilight said, "My name is Twilight Sparkle. What brings you to my house?"

"Unicorn..." Lindsay mumbled.

"Are you alright there?" Twilight asked.

Lindsay didn't say anything, she just stared at Twilight with a bizarre look on her face.

"Spike, I think this human's broken," Twilight said, "Either that, or they aren't nearly as intelligent as Homo Sapien Mythos said they were."

"Her name is Lindsay," Spike said, "And she doesn't seem particularly overburdened with intelligence. She's really hot though."

"Oh no," Twilight said, "You're already head over heels for Rarity, we don't need another potential interspecies relationship around here."

"Yeah, but come on," Spike complained, "Just look at her, um..."

"Breasts," Twilight said flatly, "You're attracted to her breasts."

"Yeah, that..." Spike said dreamily, with hearts seemingly forming in his eyes. Twilight did not look pleased.

"Oh, like you wouldn't," Spike said.

Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"I need to get some guy friends," Spike sighed.

"Hi," Lindsay said, making sure the inhabitants knew she was still there, "Could someone explain what's going on here?"

"We're... not entirely sure," Twilight said, "We've always believed human beings we're entirely mythology."

"Uh... come again?" Lindsay asked.

"Mythology," Twilight said, "You- you do know what that is, right?"

"Isn't that the study of stuff that happened in the past?" Lindsay asked.

Twilight's mouth hung open and one of her eyes began twitching slightly. Lindsay cleared her throat.

"Anyways, my question is, why am I talking to a dragon and a unicorn? I thought those were like, fake, or something?"

"Well, actually, I'm an alicorn," Twilight said happily, "You can tell the difference by the fact that I also have a pair of wings in addition to my horn. Common mistake made my outsiders, don't worry. Although, I was actually born a unicorn, but then became an alicorn not too long ago, when... actually, I'm not entirely sure how the mechanisms of the transformation actually work, but I do know that-"

Twilight realized she was rambling. Normally Spike would have cut her off at this point and got her to stay on topic, but he was still fascinated by boobs.

"Sorry, got a little carried away there. Anyways, I think if we continued this questioning, it would eventually turn into us both asking 'why are you here?' over and over again. And considering that I can tell that you are just as confused as we are, I am apologizing for assuming you're stupid. Admittedly, you're misplacement doesn't explain why you don't know what mythology is, but perhaps it's just a word that doesn't translate..."

Twilight suddenly realized that Lindsay was no longer standing in front of her.

"...well."

Lindsay had lost interest in what Twilight was saying and was now rummaging through her books. Thankfully, she wasn't making too much of a mess, but Twilight did feel the need to say something.

"Lindsay, what are you looking for?" Twilight asked, trying to sound friendly, although by this point she was getting rather annoyed by the human's bizarre behaviour.

"I don't know," Lindsay smiled, "Just looking around, seeing if there's anything I like."

"Well, try not to make too much of a mess," Twilight said, "I'd rather not have to clean it up."

"You mean you'd rather not have to make me clean it up," Spike added resentfully.

"Why would you make him clean up," Lindsay asked, "He's so cute!"

Before Twilight had a chance to respond, she once again heard a knock on the door. This time, it was Rainbow Dash entering.

"Y'know Rainbow, you're supposed to knock before you enter my house."

"Sorry Twi," Dash said, "But we have to get you to Fluttershy's house, fast.

"What's the problem?"

"It's-"

Rainbow Dash then noticed the human being in the library.

"Oh, and she's gotta come too."

******************

So, we finally had all of our main heroes in one place. The human girls were all shuffled off to the side, looking bored as all hell, and apparently not too happy about seeing that Lindsay had joined their ranks. Meanwhile, the ponies + Spike were closer to Fluttershy's house and were attempting to work out how to deal with the situation.

"Are you ok, Fluttershy?" Dash asked, "They didn't hurt you to badly, did they?"

"Oh, not at all," Fluttershy said happily, "None of them ran off into the Everfree Forest and I only got one swirly."

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.

"So, there's 6 of them?" Rarity asked, "And I thought the one human was bad. How am I supposed to deal with six of these monstrosities?"

"Oh, cheer up Rarity," Pinkie said, "She wasn't so bad."

"Wasn't so bad!? Did you see what she did to my mane? Not to mention the rest of me."

"Ah think what Rarity's tryin' to say," Applejack interjected, "Is that if one human can cause all these problems, imagine what 6 could do? 'Specially considering we have no experience in dealing with them whatsoever."

"They can't be that dangerous," Twilight said, "The one that showed up at my house was completely harmless, if a little simple."

"They gave Fluttershy a swirly," Dash countered, "Who could possibly be that evil?"

"You," Fluttershy said, "Remember fifth grade at Flight School?"

Rainbow Dash stammered a little, "Well, yeah, but that was different. We were just fillies, I've changed a lot since then, you know that."

"And that's exactly my point," Fluttershy said, "If you can change; hell, if Discord, the god of chaos, can change, then why can't they become nicer ponies... er, humans, as well?"

"Question," Rarity interjected, "Which one of the humans was actually the one that dunked you in a toilet bowl? Was it a group effort."

"A little bit," Fluttershy said, "But it was mostly the one with the raven hair and torn clothes... Heather, I believe her name is. The others just sort of went along with it."

"I'm not surprised," Rarity said, "Even though the redhead is a complete basket case, there's just something about that one, well, all of them have it a little bit, but that girl in particular, that I find utterly despicable."

"Ah think ah know what you mean," Applejack said, "She kinda reminds me of Diamond Tiara, that filly who always bothers Apple Bloom. There's just somethin' about her that just really pisses me off. Although the redhead is nuttier than a kangaroo on coke."

"Kangaroo on coke?" Pinkie said, "Now that's something I would pay to see. And I never pay for anything."

"You pay for stuff all the time, Pinkie," Twilight said, "You're actually pretty generous with your money compared to a certain pegasus friend our ours."

Twilight glared at Fluttershy, who blushed and hid her face.

"Shh, don't ruin my joke," Pinkie said.

"If we're done arguing about Pinkie's spending habits," Applejack interrupted, "Can we decide what exactly we're going to do with the humans."

"Are they still even here?" Twilight turned around to see Gwen, Heather and Izzy all fighting with each other, Bridgette trying desperately to calm them down and failing miserably, Courtney still in her trance and Lindsay obliviously chasing a butterfly.

"Okay, so they're still here," Twilight said.

"Well, my suggestion was that we just send a letter to Princess Celestia. I'm sure she'll know what to do," Dash said.

"But this isn't her problem, it's our problem," Twilight countered, "We can't just distribute any issue we don't know how to deal with on to her. Besides, now that I'm technically not her student anymore, I'm not sure if I can send her letters."

"That was only friendship letters that you don't need to send anymore," Spike, who had been silent for most of the discussion, said, "If you need to contact her, she won't turn you down. Besides, you wrote her a letter for a much less severe situation than this one."

Twilight's face turned bright red, "Oh yeah. That."

"Hello!" The ponies heard Heather yelling, "We're still here!"

"We'll be with you in a moment!" Applejack shouted back.

"Impatient bitch..." She grumbled.

"So, are you going to write a letter?" Pinkie asked.

"Yes," Twilight said, "Spike, you know what to do."

Spike quickly got out the familiar parchment paper and quill, and began writing.

"And done," Spike said after 45-60 seconds of writing.

"Could you read it back to me?" Twilight asked.

"Dear Princess Celestia," Spike began, "As weird as this may sound, we have found 6 homo sapiens scattered across Ponyville. We have managed to get them all into one area, Fluttershy's cottage, and as far as we can tell most ponies haven't seen them yet, but we're still not entirely sure what to do with them. We were hoping you would be able to help. Sincerely, Spike, Twilight, etc. etc."

"That's fine Spike-"

"P.S, do you have any advice on how I [Spike] could score with the hot blonde?"

Before Twilight could protest, Spike quickly used his dragon breath to send the letter. Not surprisingly, this enraged Twilight.

"SPIKE!" Twilight shouted, "You actually sent that!?"

"Well, yes," Spike said meekly, "I thought it was funny."

Twilight look at him like she was about to throttle him. Knowing Twilight, she probably was too.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Spike laughed nervously.

Thankfully, before Spike or anyone else ended up with a concussion, Spike burped out Celestia's return letter.

Dear Twilight et al,
I have received your letter. Please make sure that neither you nor the humans venture too far from your current location. I have sent guards to deal with the situation. They will take all of you to Canterlot where we can discuss the matter further.
Sincerely, Celestia
P.S. A blonde, huh? Just make sure you bring liquor and you shouldn't have a problem?

"See, I knew Celestia wouldn't be mad," Spike said, "Although I'm not sure where I'm going to get the liquor. Actually, I've never drank alcohol in my life, so that might end up being disastrous for me."

Twilight ignored him. "Princess Celestia sounds really serious about this. Maybe this is a bigger deal than we're all making it out to be."

"Or maybe she's just being careful," Applejack said, "Maybe she had a bad experience with humans in the past, or maybe she just wants to make sure that their arrival hasn't destroyed the space-time continuum."

"I think that last one would be a much bigger quandry than anything Twilight or Celestia had in mind," Rarity said.

"You keep bringing up that name. Who exactly is Princess Celestia?" Gwen asked.

Twilight was more than happy to answer this one. "Princess Celestia is the co-ruler of Equestria. She's also responsible for raising the sun every day."

"Ah, so she's like a pagan God," Gwen said, "But you said she's also the ruler of the nation."

"Co-ruler actually, but I see where you're coming from."

"Well, no one on Earth has every actually met the creator of our universe. We're actually really not sure whether or not he even exists," Bridgette chimed in.

"So... who raises the sun and the moon then?"

"Well, the sun has its own gravitational orbit which causes Earth, and other planets which don't have life on them, to orbit around it. Just like the much smaller moon orbits around us." Gwen said.

"Your universe is weird," Rainbow Dash said.

"Rainbow!" Twilight scolded.

She then turned her attention back to the curious girls, "That actually sounds pretty interesting. Although I have to say, Celestia didn't create our universe, or even Equestria, so she's not really a 'god' in the sense that you're thinking of. She is venerable and very powerful, but we do know she and her sister were born at some point."

"Her sister?" Bridgette asked.

"Well, I said Celestia was co-ruler. Well, Princess Luna, Celestia's sister, is the one who raises the moon. And then there's Princess Cadence, who doesn't raise any celestial bodies, but she is basically the goddess of love, and rules the Crystal Empire along with her husband Shining Armor, who also happens to be my brother," Twilight sighed, "And then there's me."

"You're a princess too!?" The girls said at the same time.

"Well, technically yes, although I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be the ruler of at this point. But I'm sure I'll figure that out in due time."

"Interesting," Gwen pondered, "So, what you're essentially saying is that in Equestria, princesshood, or really, becoming royalty in general, is something that is given, and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume it has to be earned somehow, rather than something that is inherited."

"Well... actually I'm not 100% sure," Twilight said, "I know for Cadence and myself it was earned. My brother became a prince by marrying into royalty. I'm not sure if this was the case with Celestia and Luna, and a lot of the minor nobles did inherit their position of power. I'm assuming that's how it is in your society."

"Gwen, you're getting like seriously into this," Bridgette remarked.

"Because it's fucking interesting," Gwen said, "I mean, I'm learning about how the nuances of a foreign society work, and it's nothing like I've ever seen before. Honestly, I kind of wish political power was something that could be earned. In Canada, it's not technically inherited, although coming from a wealthy family does help, but elections are largely a popularity contest, based on who has more charisma rather than who's actually more qualified to become prime minister, or whatever position they happen to be vying for."

"Regrettably," Twilight said, "We have that too, although to a lesser extent."

"I do have one more question, though," Gwen said, "If you and Celestia and all the rest of you are the highest authority in the land, why are you princesses? Why aren't you queens?"

"I believe that's because the title of queen is retired," Twilight said, "It's a long and complex story which I'd rather not get into."

"Um... we're not going anywhere," Bridgette said, "We've got time."

"Well, I don't know absolutely everything, but-"

Once again, Twilight was cut off. She watched as tranquilizer darts were shot into the necks of Gwen and Bridgette, and saw them stand there for a few seconds before collapsing on the ground. Looking around, she saw the same thing happen with the remaining humans (Courtney didn't really need it, but as they say, there's no kill like overkill. Or... overstun, rather?)

"Was that really necessary?" Twilight asked one of the royal guards, presumably the leader, that had arrived.

The guard, Talon, responded, "We just needed to make sure they weren't a threat, princess. They'll all be fine by tomorrow. Now, please come with us."

Author's Note:

Sorry that this chapter was rather boring compared to my two previous ones. It was mostly exposition that I needed to get out of the way. Things will be more interesting in Chapter 4, I promise.

Comments

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Um okay I don't think Courtney or Bridgette would ever let Heather give Fluttershy a swirly.

And of course it's a good thing Tyler's not here or he'd be sobbing to himself in a corner. Poor Tyler he never gets a break.

[pensuka]

Hhmm spike and lindsy that is interesting