Rainbow Dash slowly opened her eyes, holding a hoof up to block the incoming sunlight. Groaning through a yawn, she rolled back over and threw the covers over her head. Suddenly, she became aware of a strange smell. It was the smell of books.
Her head quickly shot up and she gasped at the scene in front of her. She was in Twilight's library. No, she was in Twilight's...bedroom.
Oh sweet Celestia what am I doing here? Did I really come all the way to the library last night? I thought that was just a dream!
As a million thoughts were racing through her mind, she heard faint hoofsteps coming up the stairs. It was Twilight. Her mind instantly went through every possible scenario that could transpire in the next few minutes. Would Twilight yell at her for waking her up? Would she think this was totally uncool of her? How mad was she going to be?
The door swung open to reveal the violet librarian, carrying breakfast on her back. "Morning, sleepyhead! Or should I say afternoon? You've been asleep almost 10 hours!" She giggled at her friend's confused expression, and laid the plate down on the bed beside her. "I thought you could use some food to help wake you up. I was really concerned about you last night, Dashie."
So this is it? No yelling? No anger? Breakfast and sympathy? You're too good for the likes of me Twilight Sparkle.
"So wait a second. You aren't mad at me for storming into your room at like 3 am and waking you up?" she replied, still bearing the same bewildered expression.
"Are you kidding? I have to admit, it was a bit of an annoyance at the time, but I could tell something serious was up. You said you couldn't sleep, so when you fell asleep on my bed, I wasn't about to ruin that for you, silly."
Rainbow's emotions did about 3 barrel rolls inside her mind. Here she was, having made a complete fool of herself to the pony she thought she might possibly...oh who was she kidding. She liked Twilight. More than a friend. And all of that made the fact that she rudely barged in during the wee hours of the morning like a million times worse. But Twilight was ok with it, worried about her even!
Having come to terms with the fact that she did indeed like Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash found it even harder to be sitting in her bed. This didn't feel right to her for some reason. It was like she was breaking some unwritten boundary. She nervously nibbled at her breakfast, not wanting to deny the hospitality the amazing pony in front of her had provided.
"So, if it isn't too much to ask, what WAS going on with you last night?" Rainbow swallowed with great difficulty that was not in any way attributed to the food she was eating.
No way, Rainbow. You can't do this. Not here, not now. If you're ever going to tell Twilight, this is not the correct place.
"Oh you know, just stuff, and things."
"You're kidding right? 'Stuff and things?' If you don't want to tell me, Rainbow, you don't have to."
"I just don't feel comfortable talking about it right now. It isn't that I don't want to tell you, Twilight. It's just that, well, I'm not even 100% sure what's going on right now. I just had a feeling last night that if I came and saw you it might help. It obviously got me to sleep, so I guess my gut feeling was right, huh?" She shot a weak smile at Twilight in hopes of not making the situation any more awkward than it had to be.
"Gee thanks. Glad to know I'm the first one you think of when you need someone to put you to sleep," Twilight quipped with a grin. Both ponies shared a small laugh as Twilight's remark helped eased the tension between them. "Now come on. Don't you have something to do with the weather today-"
"THE WEATHER! Oh no, Twilight this is terrible. It was supposed to rain today. I completely forgot! I gotta go!" Rainbow Dash ravenously wolfed down what was remaining of the hearty breakfast and shot out the door as fast as her wings would take her.
-------
Roughly a week had gone by since the incident at the lake, and Scootaloo was happy for her friends to be back in town. She realized just how much she missed going to the Cutie Mark Crusaders' meetings, and listened intently as Apple Bloom and Babs both recounted the amazing week they had had in Manehattan.
"So yeah, that's purdy much it," Apple Bloom finished, shooting a smile towards Babs, who gave a resounding agreement.
"Wow, I can't believe it! You managed to have more fun than I did in Canterlot!" Sweetie Belle remarked. She had been away at a baking school's version of summer camp that Rarity had managed to set up for her. She had had a blast, but listening to Apple Bloom and Babs' story about staying up late and going to plays and everything else they had done in Manehattan completely trumped her week.
"What about you Scoots? What did you do this week?" Babs asked.
"You should have seen this flip I did off this hill earlier this week!" she had been waiting to tell this story all week. "I was going to the lake to hang out with Rainbow and Twilight, and I was going like 900 miles an hour. I shot up the hill, did a 360 backflip, and splashed right into the lake! It was AWESOME!" Scootaloo had been doing a rough impression of her tricks, and was panting rather furiously by now.
"Wow Scootaloo, that sounds amazing! Too bad I already talked to Applejack who told me it was more like you accidentally flew over the hill and panicked on the way down," Apple Bloom had barely gotten the sentence out of her mouth when all 3 ponies started laughing rather loudly. Scootaloo's face turned a harsh shade of red. She sat down in place and crossed her hooves in anger.
It was no secret that Scootaloo liked to fabricate awesome tricks she had supposedly pulled off, but this was one of her more elaborate lies. Not that any of the other Crusaders minded hearing how awesome Scootaloo thought she was, but it was always funny to see her expression when she was caught.
The rest of the CMC meeting went as normal. All 4 fillies offering up ideas to find their cutie marks, and ended ultimately with them stuffing their faces full of apples from Sweet Apple Acres. It had already been determined that since Babs was in town, there was going to be a CMC sleepover there, so they headed into the house to see what Applejack was up to.
shameless Walking Dead reference is shameless. but still awesome.
another good chapter, I might add.
Good stuff! Read all four a these chapters, gotta hand it to you, well done! Some of the language could do with a bit of working on and as I'm sure people have told you, slow down with the events of a day! Twilight and Rainbow sure ate that breakfast quick...
OR MAYBE IT IS JUST ME LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO MOAN AT. IT PROBABLY IS.
2518087
I sure am! where would i be without my proofreaders
2517882
I'm working on the pacing each chapter. This is the first time I've ever had any success whatsoever with a fanfic, so I'm very inexperienced. I do feel like the chapters have gotten better as the story has progressed (feel free to disagree).
As for the breakfast, I was envisioning something small that Twilight would have just whipped up to wake Rainbow up, and I wanted it to feel a little rushed at the end because of how frantic Rainbow became.
Thanks for the feedback though! It's always great to see people taking a vested interest in my work!
2518847
A lot of people have already commented on me not needing to add in backstory. I'm pretty sure that the last few chapters have been relatively devoid of that. Hopefully it gets better as you read more into it!
Good chapter,
Chapters three and four have been much better than the first two. My only real criticism is that it still seems to be moving a bit too fast, and you could probably do with a bit more description in some places.
I'm starting to enjoy this quite a bit now.
2520202
I'm glad to hear that I really am improving as much as I feel that I am! like I said I'm still working on the descriptive parts and trying to fine the right balance. I don't want to run the risk of becoming like Nathaniel Hawthorne and being way too descriptive. That always bogged me down when I was reading, so I don't want to have that effect on others.
2520253
True, too much description can bog a story down. But adding in a few more minor details into a scene can add some character. A few examples in chapter 4 might be describing what Twilight made RD for breakfast. At the CMC clubhouse maybe describe how the characters are situated, maybe one of them like Babs or Scootaloo is reclining comfortably on a tilted-back chair? Little things like that can make a story a bit more believable and can show a character's personality without them needing a lot of dialogue.
2520319
Well, as with all things, a little bit of experimentation will definitely be taking place! I'll see what I can do about those minor details, and try and paint a more vivid word picture
This chapter is written far better than the previous three. If you still want my help, I'd be more than happy to help you with this!
I assume Scootaloo is important to the story, but the transitions between Rainbow Dash's POV and Scoots' is a bit jarring. You should try to ease your readers into the new point of view by referencing one or the other. For example, Rainbow might notice Scootaloo walking past the library with the other CMC before the story jumps to Scootaloo.