I want to improve my Lionheart story

[Adult story embed hidden]

So you can comment on it and say whatever you want, I want honest critique.

7617339
Note: You cannot directly link to M-rated stories. Instead, you need to embed them like this. This hides the story for anyone using the Mature filter, resulting in less potentially annoyed readers.

[Adult story embed hidden]

(In case you don't know how to do it, just use this link: [embed]https://www.fimfiction.net/story/507767/fallout-equestria-lionheart[/embed])

Also, I see that you decided to disable the ratings. That thing alone tends to turn many readers away, since it's usually used by people who don't react to criticism well. Even if you're not one of these folks, people tend to assume that you are and will refrain from commenting (and possibly reading as well).

Your long description is also way too long. It shouldn't be a summary of sorts, but rather a short blurb that simply expands upon what the short description's already said. It shouldn't be more than a paragraph or two. Also, bear in mind that a description should be error-free. The bunch of randomly capitalised words in the long description obviously doesn't help matters.

Judging by the amount of views, your story seems to be quite heavily ignored. Improving the descriptions and getting a nice cover art should help with that. (And of course, the story itself needs to be good.) You also need to promote it reasonably and pace your updates a bit better. Note that the story can be bumped onto the front page only once per day, so publishing more than one chapter at a time is a huge waste of these bumps.

7617346
Sorry, I'm new to this site and still learning to use it.

How do I "Promote it reasonably"? I turned ratings off because I don't respect democracy. (kidding) I just want comments more than I want numbers.

What words in the long description seem unnecessarily capitalized? I was told to capitalize all proper nouns.

7618046
No need to apologise. Just make sure to make the changes and remember this for future reference.

How do I "Promote it reasonably"?

You promote it in groups that allow it (ideally with posts that stand out from the rest), add it to group folders (but avoid spamming(, hype your fans with blogs... it'd take a whole book to describe it in detail.

I turned ratings off because I don't respect democracy. (kidding) I just want comments more than I want numbers.

As I have explained in my comment above, turning the ratings off is one of the worst things you can do. It will result in people avoiding the story and refraining from commenting. People who want to comment will comment even after they have voted on your story, you just shouldn't turn them off. Furthermore, if people see that your story is doing good (or terribly bad), they are much more likely to check it out and comment on it. Plus if the ratings are good, you have a chance of eventually making it into the Featured box where lots of people will see it, and, again, comment. Ratings and comments are not mutually exclusive.

What words in the long description seem unnecessarily capitalized? I was told to capitalize all proper nouns.

Words like nobles, lion, wolf, or apple surely don't need to be capitalised, since these are not proper nouns. Most people on the site also don't capitalise unicorns, pegasi, and so on, but if you want to keep the tribes capitalised, do so.

7618063
Nobles refers to a group of people and as a kid I was taught to always capitalize animal names. Sheep, Fox, Lion, etc.

Also what do you think of the story's content?

7618562
The fact that something refers to a group of people doesn’t make it a proper noun. Words like policemen and construction workers also refer to a group of people and yet nobody capitalises them. The issue with this is that it’s very noticeable and confusing for most readers. If you want this to work, I'd suggest making it clear that this is not just a group of some nobles, but a specific council or gang or whatever. That can also be conveyed by giving the group a specific name. Nobles of Darkness or something like that (something that actually fits their cause, of course), just to make it clear.

And I’m not sure who taught you that animal names are capitalised, but in English, they never are. Of course, if you have a dog named Johnny, then Johnny is going to be capitalised, but it’s still just a dog. Genera in scientific names are also capitalised (e.g. Ovis, Vulpes, Panthera), but again, that’s not English.

Regarding the story’s content, I haven’t checked it out yet. And given that you have yet to apply the advice you have received (even the one about the fact that linking to M-rated stories is against the site rules and the link must be replaced), I’d like to first see you tackle these issues. If I were an ordinary reader, I wouldn’t be convinced to read this in its current state.

7618669
I changed the link, can you judge the story by its content instead of its cover now?

7618713
I'm judging it by its descriptions.

Truth be told, I'm not interested in reading it. Not because it's a bad story--I don't know what its quality is like. While I enjoy FoE stories, the premise of this one doesn't interest me. Still, I gave the prologue a chance, and it only convinced me further that this story just doesn't click with me. As such, I don't want my feedback to be tainted by me feeling uncomfortable.

Still, I know that you're new to this site. Bear in mind that everybody here will judge your story based on its cover, descriptions, and title, as well as some additional tidbits (including the disabled ratings which I've already mentioned to be a major red flag). However, it's important to understand that unless your descriptions are perfect--that means errorless, shorter (optimal length is one or two paragraphs for the long description, and one or two sentences for the short description), and focused solely on hooking the reader instead of giving a history lesson. A good description should pique the potential reader's interest as well as hint at the story's themes, characters, and tone. Frankly, it's hard to cram all that into a few sentences, but it can be done. Unless this is done well, the story will be ignored by most, since there are plenty other stories the readers can dedicate their time to. This site is not only about writing good stories, but also about learning how to convince people to read them.

Also, as a new writer--or so I presume--you might appreciate some of the short guides I've written for users of this site based on the most common issues:
Creating Compelling Characters
Handling Points of View with Grace
Story Titles, Cover Art, and Descriptions 101
How to (Not) Write Story Beginnings
Making a Good Story

7618728
What do you mean by uncomfortable?
The hero of my story hates life as a slave and desires freedom.

7620266

What do you mean by uncomfortable?

What I wrote above. Based on the description, warning tags, and the prologue, the story doesn't click with me. Desiring freedom sure sounds nice, but the other things around it clearly signal that that story is not something I personally would like to read. I'm sure that you yourself have certain genres and themes that turn you off, regardless of how great and noble the story might be.

7620283
Did you at least like the fakeout opener? It SEEMS like it's going to be meaningless violence in service of servicing a set of invincible heroes. And then, he wakes up. He resumes his sad pathetic life as a slave. He watches a child die and is powerless to help anyone. He is a cowardly lion, and he needs to grow.

7620975
As I’ve said, I didn’t care for it, and neither did I enjoy reading it, and the first few paragraphs completely turned me away. I’m apparently not your target audience, which is fine—you cannot please everyone, after all. However, if the opener doesn’t mirror the tone of the rest of the story, then you may want to consider adjusting it. Folks like me may find it off-putting, and those who enjoy this kind of violence may be let down once you switch to the pathetic part.

7621005
Alright. Did you hate the initial paragraphs of the Lion's tale, or the invincible filly's? Do you know any story reviewers who could help me with this?

7621014
No, I neither liked it or hated it, I just didn’t care for it. (I know that may be harder to swallow than me hating it.) And I reiterate, that doesn’t mean that the part is bad, just not for me. Regarding story reviewers, I don’t think any could help you with this, simply because I cannot think of any good or helpful ones on this site in the first place. Instead try to seek the help of a good editor or pre-reader that’d be willing to go over each paragraph with you and give you feedback on it (as well on the whole scene/chapter/story).

7621028
uh... yeah. sure, it's real hard for me to swallow that. that's definitely how I feel. in any case, thanks for doing your best.

7621051
No problem. I hope you’ll soon find someone who’ll be into this kind of story.

7621059
Any idea where I might find them?

7621081
I suggested getting an editor/pre-reader to do that, so this group should be a good starting point.