TPick 'Em Up

• Equestria Girls
• Romance
• Slice of Life

Along the way to her home, Rarity has a heart-to-heart chat with Applejack over complicated matters.

• Applejack (EqG)
• Rarity (EqG)

SunTwi06 · 4.5k words  ·  80  9 · 2.6k views

Description

Applejack always believed the simple life she had is everything she wants. Rarity goes through life like it's an endless catwalk, where everyone has a story and someone is worth talking about. But then, a simple drive takes some slight detours as secrets are revealed in more ways than one. Putting into question if they're truly content with the life they have or if that desire for more can come in the unexpected of ways.

Initial Thoughts

There’s something vague about that description, in a way that is intriguing, but not, I think, in the way the author intends. That first sentence details something about Applejack, and that second sentence details something about Rarity. The third sentence, however, doesn’t quite mesh the two things together or suggest a connection—it sort of just plops itself in the middle to tell us there is a story here.

Admittedly, this is more of a nitpick than anything—an observation that shouldn’t be taken too seriously. On the point of the description, what I can say is that it seems to be about hidden desires. As is common in many Rarijack fics, I anticipate that this story will attempt to pit the two against one another in order to see how they end up together—for surely they do end up in a relationship. (This observation is aided, of course, by the fact that the story is tagged as Romance). 

Spoilers lie ahead. 

Summary

A simple evening drive leads Applejack and Rarity to consider their relationship. Is it really just friendship, and are they really happy with it being that way? Or is there something more to it?

Plot

It appears to me that this is a story about the conflict between contentment and desire. Told largely through Applejack’s perspective, such a conflict is fueled, in some part, by the story’s slow and methodical placement of emotive moments and cornerstones, all in order to try and explore how this conflict appears and how it may be resolved. Specifically, the conflict is one about relationships: Applejack’s relationship to Rarity is the center of it all. And as such, the story attempts to rediscover that relationship, and reclaim and turn it into something else by the story’s end. 

In this manner, the story is quite typical for a romance, though this itself is not a point against it. It has simple stakes, sure, but these stakes are supposed to be informed by the characters’ actions, and as such, simplicity is also not necessarily a negative thing, either. The setting that SunTwi has chosen, that of, essentially, a roadtrip, is rather infamous in not just romance stories, but, uniquely, lesbian romance stories, as, historically, the first lesbian romance published in America that did not feature a bad ending, was Patricia Highsmith’s roadtrip novel, The Price of Salt. Having Applejack take a journey with Rarity on the road seems indicative of a general understanding of the journey of love itself—a drive through the past and into the present, to stop off at the future. We may say that the “past,” in this case, is their friendship; the “present,” the conversation they have during the drive; and the “future,” being how the story ends: they obviously are going to end up together.

Thus, the story is sweet—it carries real sentiment, and it’s obvious that SunTwi wants to treat these characters and their relationship with an amount of quiet dignity best afforded to delicate but still heartwarming matters. 

Of course, all of this may be divined from just reading the first few paragraphs of the story. The story beats are easy to predict because of this simplicity, and while I do not think this is a thing that is bad, it does mean that a reader may expect the story to do something more with its chosen conflict. As I have said in previous reviews, romances often feature a sort of “tug-of-war” relationship between the characters who are meant to end up together. They push and prod, and are pushed and prodded, into either becoming a couple or splitting apart—this, in fact, informs the conflict of such stories. As this story’s conflict speaks to the “tug” between contentment and desire, at least initially, I would have expected that some resistance be given throughout, before, like a breath of relief, the story gives in to what it already wants from the very beginning.

Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. For one, how the story sets out its conflict—this conflict between what Applejack is happy to have now, and what she truly wants—is a bit on the nose. It can be explained in the following three paragraphs, quoted directly from the story:

Applejack had known this much for a while, though this was the one subject she was never upfront about. But the truth is: Applejack thought of Rarity more fondly lately. Every day after work, when Applejack is done in the fields and Rarity just finished her latest fashion designs, Applejack always looked forward to driving her home. She didn’t mind that Rarity didn’t really have her own car and it would pain her to have to pay for an Uber or taxi to drive her home. For Applejack, it was a chance to see each other every day and she was offering her driving services for free, not just because they’re friends.

If Applejack could ever be honest about anything: As much as she appreciated their time, just the two of them… Applejack wished it meant something. Neither the girls in the truck nor their friends at home ever acknowledged it, but ever since Sunset Shimmer, one of their oldest friends, decided to go back home, in a sense… Everything changed. True, life in Canterlot seemed normal, not as active in magic as it used to be. Yet time seemed to slow down, allowing everyone to just sink back, and enjoy life as it is now.

At least, Applejack tried to enjoy life… She truly did. As content as she was for a life on the farm, seemingly having nothing she’d want to do with her life nor ambitions of her own, if any at all… Sometimes, Applejack wished for more than that. And if she could be more upfront about the topic with Rarity, to actually tell her how she felt… What would she say? How would Rarity feel?

These paragraphs lay everything out, more or less—they detail how Applejack thinks, and more importantly, how she actually feels. One does get the sense of uncertainty which, I believe, SunTwi wants to provide, but the explicit nature of this section, and how it lays it all out, feels a bit like hand-holding. The story, if it is trying to present a somewhat complicated question—that question being, say, Can I want more than what I already have out of this?—misses out on some tension and drama, by simply declaring, Here is the story’s plot. 

I have a few thoughts as to why this happens. The most immediate thought is that it’s because these paragraphs are in the wrong section, and in fact, the story itself starts off wrong. I note that these paragraphs, and the conversation that contextualizes them, happen about halfway through the story, roughly 2.6k words in. That means that 2.6k words were spent not really doing anything to signify we have a conflict, but rather, to instead set everything else up. That kind of setting-up isn’t necessarily wrong, but I couldn’t help but think that it made it so that the conflict barely had room to be set up—setting, as in, physical description, and the “background context” of Applejack’s actions for the day, alongside Rarity’s own “off-page” activities, instead take up the bulk of the story. In a text that is about 4.5k words, that means that the conflict actually appears and informs the story less than 50% of the way through. 

In other words, the story takes too long to get to its actual dramatic point. Starting with the car drive, while having Applejack reflect on her relationship with Rarity, would have made this moment feel stronger. Sure, we still have the issue of laying everything out in an obvious, somewhat stiff manner, but at the very least we would have the opportunity to explore this conflict’s interior chambers—something that the story doesn’t actually do a whole lot of. 

This leads to my other observation regarding this story’s plot: it resolves a bit too quickly. Evidently, the conflict is that Applejack and Rarity want to move their friendship beyond friendship, but neither knows if the other wants that as well. Their conversation on the drive is meant to have the two of them, in some ways, poke holes in that theory and determine, essentially, if it’s safe to ask the other for more. That’s to be expected for these kinds of stories, but it’s a formula that works, and one that, aside from the bulky beginning, the story manages to get right. 

When, however, that last threshold is crossed, that precipice clambered over, that great abyss of doubt finally brought into the light—when, essentially, the story arrives at the moment of “confession,” it just… sort of happens. In a manner that seems to work against the subtle uncertainties that inform the conversation between Applejack and Rarity, Rarity asks Applejack out on a date. They talk about their feelings and queer orientations. Then Rarity kisses Applejack, and the story is resolved. I say that this works against the uncertainties because it’s unclear, by that point, if the story means to make anything uncertain. We can’t get into Rarity or Applejack’s heads at this point because it seems like the story just wants to end.

There’s no time spent, in other words, on the ramifications of this revelation. Given Rarity’s comments about coming from a conservative household, Applejack’s musings on Fluttershy and Rainbow, and what seems to be a clear arrow pointing towards some specific thematic centerpiece, the easy and convenient nature by which this story simply ends feels counter-productive. 

Let me briefly note that thematic centerpiece. It has to do with the conflict, but also how it tries to render it. I have spoken broadly before, about how the conflict is one between being content and wanting more. The story contextualizes this further by placing it in the lens of queer sexuality—specifically, Rarity’s bisexual nature, and Applejack’s own questioning of her sexuality. By paying attention to how either of them talk and think about this question of sexuality, we are able to determine that there appear to be two views: Rarity views it as terribly complicated, and Applejack views it—or wants to view it—as terribly simple. 

These are opposing views, and I think that the story could have done something interesting by presenting them in open conflict with one another as a direct result of the two characters probing the other as to her feelings regarding sexuality as a whole. It would have enforced the inherent complexity of sexual identity, something that the story briefly points to, but does not elaborate upon.

Let me put it this way: if Applejack’s view is so simple, it also is a bit invalidating, because it unintentionally invalidates Rarity’s very-real insecurities about who she is and what she wants. That invalidation is a complicated theme, which the story could have handled, tackled, and presented as a kind of pseudo-argument with which to inform a better understanding of how these two characters approach the question of sexual identity. In fact, a lot in the story, based on the characters alone, suggest this was something that was going to happen during the conversation. Yet, as we see by the story’s end, all that pointing is little more than, in some ways, “queer-political bait,” because while it points to the matter, it does not explore it. 

I do not mean to suggest some kind of oppressive or bigoted agenda so much as I want to demonstrate that the story does not go far enough to explore its own stakes and themes. It does a good job of setting these things up, but as for exploring and giving relevancy, agency, and importance to this particular thematic consideration, it does criminally little. As a result, we get what I have observed earlier: a sense of the story rushing to come to a close, and resolving all of its matters way too quickly. 

Sexuality is both simple and complex, and I fear that the story, in trying to render an easy explanation for it, ends up being not quite progressive (though, thankfully, not bigoted, either); but it does call into question if the story treats the matter with proper diligence. After all, if AJ were to simplify the matter, that kind of invalidates Rarity’s inner and ambiguous insecurities.

In a way this seems like a terribly missed opportunity for the story to present interesting characterization as a result of philosophical (to use that term loosely) conflict.

This view, I must admit, comes from my own biases. I’m bisexual, too, and I come from a bit of a conservative family background, to the point where my sexuality is not made explicitly clear to my folks, for some of the same reasons that Rarity has not come out. But if this story is trying to represent me, or represent bisexuality in some way, while also representing the questioning of sexuality a la Applejack, then it should have explored that question further, for it to feel satisfying, and for it to feel, for lack of a better term, “respectful and validating.” It is important to note that queer experiences are seldom simple, and the idea that you can wrap it all up in a neat bow, while a nice sentiment, is a bit ignorant, unintentionally so. Sure, we get a happy ending, but it’s a happy ending that seems like it should be tinted by a little bit of realistic doubt going forward, which the story does not do.

In other words: the story’s premise is strong. Where it falters is the execution that happens after the premise. It takes a bit too long to get to its heart, and once there, it doesn’t do enough with it before resolving itself way too quickly. Extra conflict, extra dramatization, and a more careful understanding of how these characters relate, not just to each other, but to themselves, would have aided in making the plot fulfill what it suggests it will fulfill. 

Score - 6.5 / 10

Characterization

I will say this with utmost confidence: Rarity sounds like Rarity. She’s got that posh politeness that I adore her for, as well as that little smarmy, sarcastic, witty repertoire that I have enjoyed seeing in the show, especially when she’s with Applejack. In this way, I think SunTwi really manages to write Rarity in the best way possible, so definitely hats off to that. 

Characterization, in fact, is this story’s strongest point. I believe SunTwi has made a smart decision in only dealing with two characters, and furthermore, I believe that SunTwi understands how these characters not only act, but also how they interact with one another. In stories where interpersonal relationships are the scope, this is critical to the presentation of the material. In fact, there’s a line said early on that really spoke to me, as indicative of how to best understand this particular rendering of these characters:

Applejack didn’t quite follow everything Rarity said, it was just an excuse to hear her talk some more.

This works because it presents duality to Applejack. She doesn’t always get why Rarity says things, but that’s not the point; the point is that it’s Rarity saying these things. I think that speaks to a level of complexity that seems rather lifelike, and in a romance story, it adds a bit of flavor and charm to it. 

That said, I think this story has a few problems worth going over regarding its characterization. One, perhaps, is a little inconsistency with Applejack’s behavior. For as much as I like the above quote, I noted that there’s a part in the story where it seems as though SunTwi (or the story itself, either or) wants to rescind that declaration. Here is what I found:

Applejack had never been a very big fan of gossip, apart from this one instance with this one recluse outside town…

For one, I don’t know if this makes sense, given that in the first quote, that is gossip. So we know that Applejack at least appreciates it in some form or another, at least not the kind that Rarity would hold; but for another, it’s odd that this story should present a contradictory observation about Applejack after placing a more subtle form of it earlier. We can infer that Applejack doesn’t care about gossip because Applejack herself says “she didn’t follow quite everything Rarity said” Telling us it feels out of place, but also, I think it works against that subtle nod towards the fact that, again, the point is that it’s Rarity doing toe gossipping. 

I think both observations are valid, and do work with Applejack’s character. However they do contradict each other in intent. Therefore the story should be revised to avoid that contradiction. 

Also on Applejack: I get that she’s a country gal, but some of those countryisms are a bit grating. The frequent use of “wut” feels weird to me, perhaps because that’s a word associated with laymen, ignoramuses, and the uneducated, which Applejack really isn’t. But also it’s a bit of a hyper-exaggerated instance of trying to write in a dialect when, in reality, you don’t need to be overt. In such scenarios I would encourage the author to take a step back and consider how overt she needs to be in order to write characters who speak in a certain way, so that the writing itself doesn’t come across as “stereotype-inducing.” 

Finally, there’s… a bit of a disconcerting moment midway through the story. I’ll include the full quote for reference, then attempt to explain what I mean.

“At the gym? Oh dear, she was being literal when she said she wanted to work out… Had I but known…”

The way Rarity was taken aback by this revelation, Applejack peered toward her friend from the corner of her eyes.

“Why? Wut did ya think she meant?”

Rarity coughed slightly, her cheeks turning a slight shade of pink. Rarity seemed almost hesitant to answer, as if whatever she said might risk a negative impression.

“Mm… Nothing, nothing at all… Although, I probably owe Fluttershy an apology later.”

I believe this is meant to suggest something… well, suggestive. It’s not overtly sexual, but it has an undertone of adult-content that can’t be easily ignored. What is disconcerting about it is the fact that it exists in this story. It feels out of place, even in a story that talks about sexuality—in a strange fashion it may even be ever so slightly leaning towards fetishizing and “making into a phenomenon” lesbian relationships. 

I doubt this is SunTwi’s intent, and it could be a case of me reading too much into things, but it’s a hard matter to ignore. It doesn’t add much to the conflict, either, suggesting it’s a tongue-in-cheek moment meant to do little else but… well, suggest something. I’m not being a prude; I’m pointing to the question of this moment’s veracity, if it’s necessary, if it does anything. 

It’s also, now that I think about it, contradictory. As stated in my Plot section, this story seems to want to be about relationships, sexuality, and the complexities of queer identity. Yet this moment kind of boxes it up in a neat, “cute” package and renders it into spectacle, not realism. It’s unclear if this was intentional or an accident. But given what I’ve said before, it feels out-of-place and kind of inappropriate—and, in fact, suggests something negative about Rarity, of all characters—Rarity who, in this rendering, is bisexual, mind you. 

My earlier point about how the story doesn’t do enough to advance into the question of queer identity can be brought up here, too. These characters are all informed by this context of queer identification, with one being overt about it, and one still thinking about it. But as the story is quick to resolve the matter, it also is quick to flatten those complex questions into neat little packages and taglines by which these characters express themselves. Again, it’s a matter of the story not doing enough to fulfill its own themes and stakes. In this manner, the hole in the plot also is a hole in the characterization—there’s a distinct lack of material and space, even as the story seems to want to suggest there’s material there worth exploring (but again, which it doesn’t do anyway). 

I may refer to my general assessment of the plot to sum up my thoughts here: the premise with these characterizations is strong, but the execution is a bit lacking. More could be done. In fact, the story seems to want to do more. 

Score - 7 / 10

Syntax

It is an unfortunate occurrence to see frequent issues of grammar throughout this story. While not making reading it an impossible experience, such mistakes are obvious when they are repeated throughout. The most common one that I found was an issue of changing tense frequently—the story weaves back and forth between present and past tense, despite apparently being read under an editor’s watchful gaze.

In previous reviews I’ve noted this problem with many of SunTwi’s stories, suggesting a systematic issue, not a personal one. In which case, the only suggestion I can provide in turn is to be more aware of when verbs change their tenses, and stick with one throughout and only the one. In this story’s case, the story should be told in close third-person past tense and nothing more. 

Other difficulties are a bit more general. Some parts of the story contain routinely awkward syntax, getting in the way of what a sentence means. Some of this is because of simple grammatical stakes, such as unclear antecedents and pronouns, the aforementioned tense changes, and rambling run-ons. Some are just because the sentence just sounds wrong. I would suggest reading the story out loud in order to catch where you inevitably freeze up, stutter, stammer, or sputter. 

Another note: repetitive phrases. They are quite apparent once you start noticing them, and appear very much like crutch phrases the author uses to pad out the writing. A frequent one I kept seeing, along with its variants, was “It wasn’t as though…” While it works maybe once or twice, the phrase and its variants appear far too commonly for it not to be noticeable, and not in a good way, either. 

Finally, there is the issue of what I would call “summary sentences.” These are sentences that appear to attempt to wrap up and neatly deposit an idea or thought, and which, I found, occurred most commonly at the end of paragraphs. They sound conclusive, but in the vein of a fifth-grader’s essay kind of conclusive, the formulaic nature of which we all are most likely familiar with, and most likely do not particularly like. Take, for example, this sentence:

They may not always agree on their choice of lifestyle or hobbies, but the last thing Applejack would ever do is intentionally hurt one of her closest friends.

That “They may not always agree on their choice of lifestyle or hobbies” sounds very much like the kind of sentence you’d use to evaluate a relationship in closing. But such sentences, I have found, do not help stories—they spell things out that don’t need to be spelled out. We can infer that they don’t always agree, and we can also determine that the important thing is that Applejack doesn’t want to hurt anyone—telling us that is completely unnecessary.

Another example can be seen in the story’s last two paragraphs, which speak far more closely to the sense of a conclusion to an essay. 

The grin never left Applejack’s face, as she turned the clutch to drive and pulled away taking the open road back to her home in Sweet Apple Acres. The sky seemed to brighten due to the brilliant red color or perhaps the only thing red going on was how warm her cheeks felt, as she could still taste her lips along hers. Applejack always believed she had everything she could ever want in life, but now she realized there is something she wants more.

“As long as I have more time with Rarity,” Applejack thought. “I truly have everything I want.”

I believe the story is attempting to end on an image and a thought, but it sums up the story’s sentiments and themes a bit too succinctly, to the point of not being necessary. Ending on an image is perfectly fine, but explaining the emotional weight associated with it (“Applejack always believed…”) works counter-intuitively to that intent. 

I am reminded of something Chekhov said, which I will attempt to paraphrase here: in writing a story, cut out the beginning part, cut out the ending part, and you will be left with only the important things. It’s not necessarily a rule, but it’s a good way to note where one is being superfluous with the story, and where, essentially, the story actually starts and ends. I believe that is the real matter with the story’s syntax: it doesn’t seem clear about where it wants to begin and where it wants to go. In other words, the story needs to learn to delineate between superfluous and necessary details.

Score - 6.5 / 10

Final Score - ( 6.5 + 7 + 6.5 ) / 3 = 6.67 / 10

Final Thoughts

There’s this quote from a movie called “Finding Forrester,” which, if you don’t already know, is about a reclusive writer who ends up tutoring a young and promising writer. At one point, Sir Sean Connery’s character (William Forrester) tells Rob Brown’s character (Jamal Wallace) the following: “No thinking - that comes later. You write your first draft with your heart. And you rewrite with your head. The first key to writing… is to write, not to think.” 

One thing I’ve noticed in SunTwi’s stories is that they always have a lot of heart put into them. It’s charming, sweet, and in some ways, admirable—there’s clear joy in the work, which makes reading it a double pleasure. 

“Pick ‘Em Up” is certainly no different, and it definitely feels like something that SunTwi really wanted to write. Yet, it suffers from a certain degree of incompleteness, due to being offset by a lack of elaboration and exploration. But that doesn’t mean that the story isn’t salvageable—in fact, I think the story does a good job on its own. All that I have noted here is where it would need to go in order to become its best version. Some cutting here, some elaboration here, some examination of, “What do I really mean” here and there, and the story would rise out of the shadow of its anxiety. 

<For archive purposes: 6.67/10>

I didn't expect to wake up to this. *clears thoat* Reagrdless, it's a nice(albeit bloated witch isn't a complaint) review. I didnt intend it for it to "send a message". More like, have a simple story between the two. I do admit I have a difficult time writing AJ at points since I keep getting conflicting info on how she should be written. Sometimes, I write her without the accent and sometimes I do. It's confusing to say the least.

That said, I'm glad you enjoyed it in spite of the mess. I'm more suprised it got this many likes to begin with considering the simplicity of it.

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