TAnte Coo

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Horror

Something is outside. Nopony knows what it is.

• Gore
• Death
• Soarin
• Berry Punch
• Carrot Top

PacifistDoodl3r · 3.1k words  ·  9  4 · 319 views

Something beyond the locked doors has the intention to harm. Two ponies decide to stay inside- what's out there? A timberwolf? A bugbear? Nopony knows.

Opening remarks

Ante Coo. by PacifistDoodl3r (Pacifist) is a horror story using three interesting characters that don’t normally interact and an interesting premise that I’m curious to find out more about. 

I haven’t read anything else by them so this will be an all new experience. 

Technical

There are several spelling and grammar errors in the text. The story is still readable, however.   

8/10

Character

The main characters of the piece are Soarin, Berry Punch, and Carrot Top. All three have several major issues with them in the story.

The primary problem with all three characters is that they don’t have discernible personalities. Soarin and Berry Punch feel more like checkmarks on a list having a set number of features about them and no other purpose but fulfilling some plot requirement within the story. 

It is fine to have one note characters whose only purpose is to die or move the plot in a horror story, but with a smaller cast it is more important to the story to have them have strong core traits based on their purpose in the events of the fic. 

When writing horror, it is beneficial to have characters serve certain “archetypes”: the survivor, the scholar, the pawn, the hunter, etc. Start with a basic framework then add a unique spin to the personality. 

For example, Berry would fit the survivor archetype with a focus on making sure everyone followed the basic rules to stay alive, which would cause tension with more action oriented characters. Soarin could be the hunter archetype, barely keeping it together from having gone through the horror already and chomping at the bit to throw caution to the wind and take the “monster” head on. 

Which brings me to my next point: everyone is too passive in the story. The characters, especially Carrot Top, do not feel as if they have adjacency. The plot just happens to them without them really having a chance to decide anything for themselves. Soarin was the most active character in the story and he was mostly ‘here and gone’. 

Finally, the “monster”. Firstly, when talking about the monster it’s mainly a stand in for the entity, person, or event that is the root cause of the horror. In this case, the strange weather. This is where I feel Pacifist did well. It was present throughout the story and a constant source of stress to the characters. It's unknown nature led well to an air of mystery, which did give the feeling of “what will it do next?”. 

All that being said, when writing horror, characters have to be distinctive so that the reader can become invested in their struggle against the unseen “monster”. The three mains, however, fell flat in this regard.     

1.5/10

Concept

The concept is solid. The monster in this case, the strange weather, is intriguing and a good lead into the story as the reader tries to figure out what’s going on.

The hook, however, takes too long to lead into the story. The descriptions of the restaurant are long and cause massive slow down towards getting into the introduction of the monster. In as short a story as this, it would have been better to rush straight into the plot with a shorter description.

Also, “strange weather patterns” is a common monster in horror stories. It’s doubly important to do a solid execution to ensure it stands out, however I felt the actual monster in question was spotty. 

The “rules” of the monster were good. I had a vague grasp on what was happening and could follow what was going on, but the actual writing of the monster in the story was underwhelming. I never really got that scary vibe, it was more akin to something that just happened. 

The concept is intriguing, but the execution of it has room for improvement.   

4/10

Vibe

The execution of this story leaves a lot to be desired. Firstly, the concept really is very interesting and I like the “rules” of how the entity works. The actual events are engaging and definitely give that feeling of needing to know what happens next. 

That being said, I have several criticisms in regards to the structure. 

Firstly, the prose is too specific. In many cases it felt like I was given too much information about something, but almost no relevant information regarding the story. It’s most egregious in the opening paragraphs describing the restaurant, but several points later on when describing the actions of characters or the monster I had the same problem. 

The pacing is also way too fast. The opening is slow, but then the plot just drives through at hyperspeed. The plot hit emotional beat after emotional beat at such a rapid fire rate and felt unearned. Carrot Top and Berry Punch in particular were opening up about private matters in their lives so nonchalantly that it gave me whiplash trying to keep up. 

Dialogue also felt very jilted. The flow of the talking pieces were too rushed and felt very unnatural. It made the characters feel like caricatures as they spouted out sentences that made sense, but didn’t mesh naturally in the story. 

The piece was also difficult to follow. So much new information was coming at me at such a fast pace, that I was having trouble actually mulling everything over and keeping track of what was happening in the fic. 

The entire sequence with Soarin was also very off kilter. It went by so fast. It was not helped by the unclear motivations of him in the story and the face heel turn of wanting to stay in then going back out into the outside. 

All of this could be fixed if the story would just slow down. Take the time to develop the characters, establish the situation, and make it clear the personal stakes of each character. Take the time to sit in the story and have the characters really become enveloped in the horror of the circumstances. The fact that they are locked into one location is a perfect place for a slow burn horror with escalating tensions as the characters feel the pressure of their situation. 

Another change that I feel would improve the story is changing it from omnipotent third person to limited third person for Carrot Top’s perspective. The “monster” in the story I noticed was affecting the characters differently. Having only Carrot Top’s perspective would have strengthened the confusion between the characters and elevated the horror of the situation. 

As is, the concept is intriguing, but the execution leaves much to be desired to bring out the horror of this story.  

1/10

Closing Thoughts

Ante Coo. is a really intriguing story with a promising premise, however, its execution as a horror story could use improvement mainly to slow down the pace and allow the tension to pull the plot along. 

3.6/10

<For archive purposes: 3.6/10>

Personal Score

This was an interesting story, but as a horror it fell really flat for me. 

2/10

Thanks for the review!