TAdmiration and Admission

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama
• Slice of Life

Astral Ink finds himself in the dream of Princess Luna, where he learns why the alicorn cherishes him so much. he also then finally decides to reveal some hidden feelings he has for the mare.

• Profanity
• Luna
• OC

Scribe of the Nightwings · 15k words  ·  68  2 · 1.7k views

I’ve read the prequel to the story, so it’s no wonder Scribe of the Nightwings wanted my thoughts on this sequel. How does it hold up? The one thing a good sequel should do is move forward from it’s predecessor yet having this connection that without one, you can’t truly enjoy the other. I think this sorta succeeds as being it’s own thing. I wouldn’t say you had to read the prequel, but reading the prequel shows you what this story tells you about the relationship between Luna and Scribe. However, the biggest weakness I found in this story is the structure, which I’ll get into but it can be a bumpy ride, and whether you like this or not, will depend on how much you like OcxCanon ships.

6/10

The heart of this story is really the character interactions. It’s a romance story about the connection between Luna and Astral Ink. I like the connection of how Astral compares himself to Raven Inkwell, as he’s Luna’s assistant. I also like the thought that Luna would have some pony like him to help her with her duties. I do find it a little cliche that the assistant would get with the Princess. Predictable, dull, and doesn’t do anything new with it.

5/10

Luna: She feels slightly OOC in this. Some of her reactions don’t add up with her canon self. I do admire that she thinks so highly of her assistant but to seemingly act like Celestia doesn’t really protize her, felt a bit odd to me. I also don’t really like how quickly she is just like “sleep with me” even though it says they have spent quite a long time together, this feels sudden and a bit forced.

Astral Ink: This Oc is very calm and down to earth. He kind of reminds me of a mix of Twilight and Applejack. He’s very focused on helping Luna in every way he can, even if that means overworking himself to the point of literal exhaustion. However, the downside is this plot makes him feel a bit self-insert.

6/10

This needs revised, it’s too wordy, and too telly in way too many spots, as well as multiple grammatical errors throughout the piece.

2/10

There’s nothing original about OCxCanon. It’s more common than you might think. The execution is all over the place and not in a good way. I mentioned already in writing/grammar the multiple issues with pacing, descriptors, and tellyness so I won’t repeat myself.

3/10

this story was rough for me to get through. I was hoping maybe I could find something to say, that felt like it was going the right direction. I liked the banter of the thestral guards, but other than that,it's a totally predictable B-rated romance movie plot you'd see on Hallmark* It’s passable if you just want something to waste time with, but it’s certainly not winning any awards.

Final Score: 6+5+6+2+3=22/50
4.4/10

Headpat worthy:

Boop worthy:

Needs work: Yes

To the author: Continue working on your writing, I can tell you that I remember being in your shoes. Take time to reflect, to grow, but importantly keep trying.

To the reader: Vaguely recommended if you like OcxCanon if you don’t mind telly narration and purple prose.

Chapter 1:As he slowly fluttered his eyes open and closed, Astral Ink .was immediately hit with a wave of grogginess.

Suggestion : Hit with a wave of grogginess, Astral Ink fluttered his eyes.

Starting a sentence with “As” makes the structure of the voice to the reader read as passive, rather than fluent and active.

The first paragraph in the first chapter, it’s too long. It feels like it should be split into two. I do realize the events here are of Astral Ink waking up, but bunching it all together can hinder a story. I would suggest after “The first thing he noticed was that wasn’t in a lying-down position. Is to push enter and then start a new paragraph after it. That will help break up the monotony of the scene. Granted, the way it is, while it technically works very loosely, it’s telly in its execution. Remember to show what Astral is doing, while using initials “I noticed I wasn’t on my bed, as I struggled to open my eyes after a long night’s rest.” Putting it in inner thought, keeps the descriptors from being telly, and helps aid the flow.
Speaking of the island, it was rather bare save for the tree-like flowers that glowed a soft violet from some type of bio-illuminance.
"bio-illuminance"

bioluminescence

Is the proper terminology for this.

While this new environment was admittedly beautiful and rather peace, Astral Ink was still on edge as to how exactly he arrived here.

Grammar: While this new environment was admittedly beautiful and rather peaceful. Astral Ink was still on edge as to how exactly he arrived here.

“Okay, okay let’s think this through.” he thought out loud to steady his nerves. “This much too detailed for simple illusion magic, or any other type of magic, for that matter. I’m clearly not in my room anymore and the last thing I remember working on some back reports. So, the most likely scenario is that I fell asleep…and this is some type of dream. It’s certainly the most lucid I’ve been in a dream. But, I don’t recognize any of this. How am I able to dream it up, then?”

Reworked Paragraph: “Okay, okay let’s think this through.” he thought out loud to steady his nerves. “This is too detailed for a simple illusion magic spell, or any other type of magic spell, for that matter. I’m clearly not in my room anymore and the last thing I remember was working on some back reports. So, the most likely scenario is that I fell asleep…aaaaaand this is some type of dream? It’s certainly the most lucid dream I’ve had then. But, I don’t recognize any of this. How am I able to dream it up, then?”

Ever since the talk that they had a few months ago, the interactions between the two had not only increased their productivity but also their time together outside of work. The motivation Astral received that night did not die down the day after. The scribe had worked double time to catch up with the work he was behind with and then continued to keep up with the new workload. With all the free time he had not playing catch up, the scribe was surprised when Luna had invited him to spend time with her.

Correction/Advice: While this paragraph works just fine as it’s own thing, it has one glaring issue that really bothers me. It simply is telling the reader that Astral and Luna spent time together off screen. While this can work as a way to show bonding, it feels telly and “exposition” of the writer. Basically, this is the part of the relationship, I would love to read but instead I’m getting told that it happened.

The first chapter focuses on Astral Ink waking up, and realizing he’s in a dream. I do like that this story assumes you’ve read the first, but also isn’t so confusing if you read this one first. I like the sequels that can stand on their own. Granted, having read the first one does give this one more weight.

The one thing I don’t really like so far is the overall writing style of this one compared to the original. I’m not sure why, but I felt like a lot of these lines should have been rewritten or at least reworked to flow better.

The pacing, and the plot are predictable to me, I know exactly where it’s going. However, that doesn’t make it bad per say. The fact there is build-up to what I know is coming is good, but it could be SHOWN, rather than TOLD. Show don’t tell. It’s a hard thing to learn and sometimes I even struggle.

Chapter 2: Chapter two gets through what could best be described as a flashback. It is telling us more of how Astral Ink began working for Luna, and while I did enjoy this chapter, it still has issues of pacing, and some telly descriptors, and even some minor grammar mistakes.

Chapter 3: Grammar/Writing: As the memory ended, it took Astral a few moments to blink a few times and get a better grip of his surroundings. He eventually regained his senses and confirmed that he was back in Luna’s dream, the orbs of light noticeably gone now. Said alicorn was still by his side when he turned his head to confirm. Luna was looking at him with the same nervous smile she had on when she had summoned her memories for him to see.

Correction: The memory ended, and it took Astral a few moments to regain his senses. He blinked a few times, confirming he was back in Luna’s dream. The orbs of light dimmed. The alicorn was still by his side when he turned his head towards her. Luna stared back at him with the same nervous smile she had on when she had summoned her memories for him to see.

Show Don’t Tell: “As my service to you went on, my admiration to you shifted. My respect and dedication to you was no longer sourced from your royal title, rather it came from just your character. Maybe it was natural, to grow so fond to a pony you work so close to for such a long time? And in that time, I was able to learn so much about you and saw you overcame your inner demons to become such an incredible pony. I admit that there were times that I saw you less as a princess or my boss and more like a mare. A mare that I developed…feelings for. A mare that I would happily spend the rest of my life with.”

In this scene, Astral is confessing his feelings for Luna, and while this does work, I don’t feel it’s as powerful as showing how much he cares with actions, and physical body language. Simply saying something is one thing, but showing affection is different, and that can be conveyed into the story, allowing more chemistry to blossom and for readers to be more invested in what’s going on. This scene also feels too dialogue driven. Like it should be broken up with some descriptors to break up the monotony of it all.

The third chapter focuses on Luna and Astral’s feelings for one another, and while I do appreciate the growth, I wish it was more interesting. A lot of it reads dry, like the author is trying to be more purple prose then they need to be, in an attempt to be smart, but it just doesn’t work here.

Chapter 4: The last chapter of this story focuses on Astral Ink once more, and what he does with everything he’s learnt from the previous chapters. This is a good overarching way to end a story. I do like that despite Luna’s words, Astral Ink hesitates. It shows character growth on his part.

However, there are still quite a few clunky paragraphs in here, that drag on too long. Quite a few grammatical errors throughout, and just the overall tone still feeling dry and not as emotionally driven as the author clearly wants it to be. This could be a result of the narrative being too telly, but the other mistakes with the grammar, the overall flow and pacing don’t help it.

Overall, this story was rough for me to get through. I was hoping maybe I could find something to say, that felt like it was going the right direction. I liked the banter of the thestral guards, but other than that, it’s totally predictable typical B romance movie plot you’d see on Hallmark. It’s passable if you just want something to waste time with, but it’s certainly not winning any awards.

Additional comments/feedback: I really wanted to like this more than I did, because I enjoyed the original, but this felt like a big step backwards. I really hope the author is able to see my points and continue to grow from this.

<For archive purposes: 4.4/10>)