TInterruption and Intervention

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama
• Slice of Life

During his downtime, Royal Scribe to Princess Luna, Astral Ink, receives some timely advice. Sometimes the right words from the right pony makes all the difference in the world.

• Profanity
• Luna
• OC
• Raven Inkwell

Scribe of the Nightwings · 7k words  ·  99  3 · 1.7k views

Description

Astral Ink, the Royal Scribe assigned Princess Luna, was relaxing in his quarters when he was then visited by Raven Inkwell. A few disagreements here and there eventually lead to some uncomfortable revelations that may put Astral's position in Canterlot in jeopardy. All leading up to an unexpected visitor to appear to give some advice and a few personal thoughts that push the scribe in the right direction once again.

A (sorta) vent fic that covers topics such as stress, procrastination and self doubt over one's abilities that may be a denial over laziness.
Romance tag is for small bits of romance are sprinkled within that might lead to a sequel fic if the story is received well enough.

Initial Thoughts

I must admit to being unsure of what to expect. The cover art is certainly striking, suggesting that Astral Ink, this OC, is to be the center of a character piece (as opposed to the center of a plot-centric narrative). 

The description provides a framework for guessing, too. I anticipate that the topics listed will primarily be the themes present. But apparently there will be hints of romance, too—though what concerns me is how this does not appear to be intended for the narrative, but rather, a narrative in the future. Of course I see that a sequel is posted, but taking the given story in isolation, that decision must not have come about until later.

At any rate, let’s move on to the story. Spoilers ahead. 

Summary

Over-worked and over-stressed, Astral Ink is about to crash—this, he denies. Raven Inkwell’s persistent nagging hasn’t helped in the slightest. It is only when Princess Luna herself stops by to chat with him that Astral comes to terms with what he’s feeling, and resolves not to place so much pressure on himself.

Plot

It was as I expected—a character piece about Astral Ink. Specifically, it’s about his exhaustion and exhausted state, and these are conveyed through the two primary conversations Astral has with two primary companions: Raven Inkwell and Princess Luna. In terms of premise and execution, given that the story promised to discuss such things, it does fulfill what it promises to set out to do. 

This being a character piece, it’s important to note that the story’s focus ought to be on the character from whose perspective it is told, and furthermore, that the story’s conflict should stem from their decisions. I believe “Interruption and Intervention” does attempt this. After all, it’s the fault of Astral, really, that he has ended up in an exhausted state—a state which the above two ponies, and upon which they, well, interrupt and intervene. 

One can therefore chart this plot on an “escalation” scale. It starts off ordinarily enough—Astral’s relaxation is interrupted by knocking at his door. This leads to a conversation between himself and Raven. It’s a conversation loaded with workplace frigidity, which escalates into a shouting match, de-escalates into Raven pointing out his condition, and re-escalates into more shouting. All of it essentially centers around Astral’s condition, but furthermore, his denial of it. His later conversation with Luna, which operates as a result of what is not said in the conversation with Raven, furthers both of these factors. And the revelation that this latter conversation brings is meant to wrap up those factors as cleanly as possible.

Throughout, the tension runs high, shifting ever so slightly higher on this “escalation” scale even while volume control ebbs and flows in alternating cycles. Essentially, what “escalates” is the chance that Astral has to reveal what he’s feeling and accept that he’s feeling this way. These are the stakes of the story—what Astral has to lose. The conversations he has are meant to set up these stakes, then, as well as address and possibly resolve them. 

This is more of analysis of the preamble, though, and while that appears strong, I must confess to believing that the fulfillment of these stakes doesn’t follow such a model. The rest of the story doesn’t see itself through its own premises. These conversations serve as a means to “wrap up” the stakes and present Astral, suddenly and retroactively, with a chance to open up. 

While there’s nothing wrong with using something like a conversation to do this—it’s essentially a tool to let the plot follow a path through the story—the fact that a lot of these conversations are filled with exposition is concerning. The exposition operates outwardly—that is, outside of the character whom they concern: Astral. This makes his “turn” feel a bit distant from himself, as though he is simply obligated to transform in this way. 

Little in terms of non-exposition detail is given to justify this turn. For as much as we are told about Astral having worked here for a time, and are told about his loyalty to his princess, and the like, there isn’t enough room in the story given to examining Astral’s “space inside,” as I might like to call it. That is to say, there’s a distinct lack of interiority which would make his personal stakes feel personal—most of it falls on the surface. What is told is not shown to have meaning or import—Astral’s experience doesn’t exist beyond this exposition. 

This will be examined later in the Characterization section, but given this is a character piece, it’s important to note in the Plot. The exterior focus of the exposition detracts from the necessary interiority that this kind of plot deserves, and the story doesn’t go far enough in the latter direction to make appropriate use of the former. 

This isn’t to say that the use of exposition is bad, though. Exposition is necessary in writing, and dialogue is one of the surest ways to use it. However, for a character piece, I doubt that it can function on its own. This is why I speak to a plot having some interiority for its characters.

But now I must look at how the story resolves its plot, which is indeed through this series of conversations. Bar my criticism of its use and reliance on exposition, I’m left feeling unsure of the veracity of “the conversation solves everything.” Admittedly I’ve used this technique before, and personally I do not find it inherently erroneous. But I believe that part of this resolution alludes more to emotional weights which the story doesn’t explore.

To be specific, one weight might be Astral’s feelings towards both his job and Luna. Hints of romance are available, but they appeared to me only at the end, not interspersed throughout the text. While the door to Astral’s exhaustion is explored, the doors to underlying feelings that might be associated with that state—i.e., romance or at least romantic interest—don’t really appear. However, by the story’s end and by the close of the conversation, they seem to be addressed and then dismissed summarily. They aren’t given space to “weigh” themselves against the other stakes. 

This might have to do with what’s said in the story’s description, that the hints of romance are only there in case reception demands a sequel or follow-up. I believe, if this description is taken at face value, that this resulted in this dissonance of emotional weight and focus. So much of the story is concerned with Astral’s exhaustion, both physically and mentally, that this sudden hint at romance feels unnecessary and unimportant. It’s there in anticipation of a response to a narrative rather being vital to the narrative’s development. Thus, it’s inserted in a less-than-ideal, inorganic fashion. When it’s resolved, it feels unsatisfying in the moment, since there wasn’t a sense that it was about to be important, or about to be a thing that needed any brief resolution.

Interiority might have helped in this regard. Giving Astral more time by himself to confront not just his feelings about his job, but whatever sudden and strange feelings he has about Luna, would have made this additional turn feel less sudden and contrived. 

The story, therefore, has a strong premise, and while it is more of a vent, it touches upon some interesting moments and concepts. However, I don’t think it quite goes the distance to fulfill expectations and describe something complete. 

Score – 6 / 10

Characterization

We have three characters to choose from: Raven Inkwell, Princess Luna, and, of course, Astral Ink, the story’s OC. Regarding him, the story thankfully is sure to avoid many character cliches. I appreciated the degree of self-awareness the story affords itself in the beginning, by way of the comment concerning Astral sometimes being called “the gender-bent Raven.” His position as assistant (secretary, really) comes across as natural, too, and doesn’t feel like he’s being forced into a role. 

Though, as I’ve already said, Astral does lack some interiority. While on the surface he is interesting, I believe a bit more of a closer examination of himself, by himself, alone, would have given him another layer—a thing that the story seems to point to, but never actually fully explores. 

In part that is because that space within the narrative is fulfilled by the examination of Astral’s relations. The first is, of course, between himself and Raven Inkwell. 

By far I enjoyed their interaction with each other. They have good chemistry, if obviously poor working relations. Their banter played nicely off one another, as did their snipes and jabs, and the escalation of their argument was compelling, too. Between them, there was a sense of history, which doesn’t need to be extrapolated further upon—that mere “sense” is enough to tell me all that I need to know about their characters.

The same, however, can’t be said about the other relation: that between Luna and Astral. Luna feels “distant” throughout her conversation with Astral, despite her—and the story more-or-less explicitly saying—trying to be “closer” to Astral and, by consequence, the reader. I’m unsure if this intentional. Basically, her opening up doesn’t feel a result of herself, her thoughts, or her actions. It feels, rather, forced in Astral’s favor, as opposed to being the result of their relationship. 

Now, evidently, that’s because the relationship is built on underlying, unresolved, hidden romantic feelings. But as I’ve stated, these appear towards the end of the story rather than throughout. The foundation therefore doesn’t feel as strong as it could be when it’s reliant on ambiguities. For, if the presence of romance is meant to contribute more to the relationship itself, then romance should inform the backings of the context surrounding the conversation, as opposed to end-marking it. That’s a rudimentary way of saying plant these seeds and watch them grow in the spaces between the conversation. 

While I would not suggest, wholeheartedly, that the solution would be being explicit and clear immediately as to the presence of these feelings, I believe some degree of reflection on Astral’s part as to how he actually feels about his job, and by extension, about Luna, would go a long way to justifying the use and transformation of that relation.

Score – 6.5 / 10

Syntax

I typically try not to harp on issues of sentence construction and grammar. Style is its own thing and most authors can and do get away with breaking from convention. However, one issue that this story had, which style can’t excuse, was punctuation. 

Specifically, how to punctuate dialogue. Throughout the story, dialogue was routinely punctuated with periods as opposed to commas, even as what followed those dialogues were dialogue tags and not action tags. As an example:

“It’s not their job to keep track of your work, Astral.” Raven countered.

 
The correction would be:

“It’s not their job to keep track of your work, Astral,” Raven countered.

The issue wasn’t frequent in the beginning of the story, but it continued to grow until almost every dialogue consisted of the same issue. That prevalence is problematic. For the most part, dialogue conventions should be followed for the sake of both correctness and clarity. 

Aside from issues of punctuation, certain lines of dialogue ended up sounding rather stiff or unnatural. This wasn’t something I saw with Raven and Astral, but it was something I observed with Luna and Astral. Here’s an excerpt from one:

“I suppose it was when after Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends both freed me from the Nightmare and then helped me free myself from the Tantabus was when I realized that there would always be ponies who would look after me....”

 
If I understand this sentence correctly, it’s supposed to say, “I suppose it was when after Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends both freed me from the Nightmare and from the Tantabus that I realized…” or something to that effect. Some awkward clauses here and there, then. 

Another issue was the use of epithets. “The unicorn,” “the scribe,” and other such phrases routinely work to replace Astral’s name. However, in general this practice is largely unnecessary unless you’re working within an oral medium that requires some degree of familiarity for memorization. In most cases you can get away with using the name or a pronoun instead. 

These issues aside, the story is readable, and save for a few hiccups, I didn’t necessarily struggle to understand it. However, the issues do demonstrate some unrefined syntactical decisions, which an editor would need to go over and address. 

Score – 6.5 / 10

Final Score - ( 6 + 6.5 + 6.5 ) / 3 = 6.3 / 10

Final Thoughts

I must wonder if the issues I found here are addressed in the sequel, but as it stands, I have to take this story in isolation and on its own. 

This story has a lot of potential. It’s got an interesting OC, a short but sweet premise, Raven Inkwell (that’s almost always good), and easy-to-sympathize-with themes of work exhaustion and burnout. However, it’s clear that it needs some refinement in several categories. 

To hazard speaking generally, I’ll say that the thing that needs to be addressed is development. That can apply to both the plot and to the characterization. As stated, while the plot starts off strong, its development feels hampered by several factors, and characterization suffers a similar fate. It’s close to what it wants to be, but still needs to do a bit of work before it can fully stand on its own two feet. 

<For archive purposes: 6.3/10>