[Adult story embed hidden]

Summary: Brick Break wasn't the brightest stallion in school and he sure as hell wasn't the luckiest, but he worked hard; from nighttime bouncer to royal bodyguard, he made something of his life. With food on the table, a roof over his head, and the closest thing to financial security one can hope for in this economy, Brick achieved the Equestrian dream, mostly; there was just one thing missing-- friendship. Laughter, loyalty, comradery.

Brick didn't need a roommate, and soliciting one in a big city like Canterlot was just asking for trouble. Frosty had just sort of... happened. Hoarfrost Glitter, his roommate. With her help, he might finally find some peace in this world. After all, existence is suffering, but misery loves company.

Initial thoughts: Based on the description alone, this story comes off as a lonely guard finds an unexpected lover in the form of a roommate, and in a lot of ways, that's what this is. The story takes it time to establish Brick as a character to make you care for him, and by the second chapter, you're put right into the steamier scenes and the pacing of the fic goes from slow to fast in ten seconds flat. There was a lot to consider regarding my thoughts to this story, but ultimately I think the best thing about this story was the first chapter. Everything after that felt, at least to me like a manual wikipedia for what to include in a clopfic. It's not necessarily badly written, heck the writing itself is great, we'll get into that. Just overall the way it reads is where it fails. There's no passion, no emotional grip, nothing that got me to truly care about these characters.
5/10

Heart of the story: The heart of this story is Brick himself. The story early on establishes that he's been working for Celestia for quite some time. Despite having a position in the royal guard, he finds life to be rather dull. His personality of being cool and collected under pressure serves his position well. His relationship to Celestia, while brief shows us how much he cares about his duty to serve, and often will let his own desires be ignored to protect her. Yet, it's once we see him at home that things change. He's more relaxed and is able to open up more, and his roommate comes into the picture. Now granted a lot of this can work, but I felt like once we get to clop part of the story, the story itself suffers. We were building a nice piece about guards and how underappreciated they are, and then suddenly we go to basic "text" like talking and an intense clop scene that to me, felt like the weakest part of the story overall. This story isn't bad, but neither is it great. The best thing I can say is that Brick is an interesting character to follow, and I really wanted to learn more about him, and not focus on the smut. But hey gotta satisfy those readers.
6/10

Characterization: It's mostly Oc's so there is a lot of room for development. However you also want to avoid making them "Mary Sue" or "Edge lords" Forunately, neither OC here is like that. Let's dive in.

Brick Break- He's what I would like to call the "Calm and collected" type. He tries to do his best, and keep a level head. He doesn't show too much emotions as it could affect how he serves the Princess. He's also sensitive, a bit shy, and tends to take a step back when asked personal questions by Princess Celestia. His job is his job, not his personal life. He tends to be more easy going when he's home, as he feels he can actually relax there, and finds himself in the position of power over his roommate, and takes full advantage of what she is.

Hoarfrost Glitter-She shows up as a mare at first, but we find out later that she's a Changeling. Her personality strikes me as the "wild girl" She's not afraid to be forceful, and blunt about her wants and desires, but yet she's always putting Brick Break's desires first because she wants him to be happy, even if being happy means she has to be something she isn't. But yet her disguise isn't quite perfect, so Brick always knows he's not actually fucking the Princess, but his roommate, and somehow that is more surreal and seductive then his fantasy because he knows how much she cares about him. Bringing the relationship between these two even closer.

Overall, both Oc's are well thought-out. Developed decent enough for me to want to know more, yet I feel like I didn't get enough of their day to day life in favor of well, smut. That's what this story is truly all about, the clop. And while I understand that is the point of a clop fic, why is that what we associate with clop? Why can't we learn more about the characters before we suddenly go "FUCK!" To me, a great clop fic takes the characters and makes us truly care about the overall story of their relationship before they ever kiss. But hey, what do I know? It's not like I don't write clop myself.

7/10

Writing/Grammar: :

The Princess simply tilted her head curiously, utterly irreverent to the absurdity of her current nasal accoutrement. "Hmm? Is something amiss?" The alicorn leaned forwards ever-so-slightly.

“forward” (The “s” is not necessarily here, as when you lean forward, adding as ssss sound makes it sound off, and is also improper grammar. I’m assuming this was just a missed typo that wasn’t caught in editing, as there are very few mistakes within the piece.

Clop part of writing: The clop itself is not bad, let me point that out. The actual act of sex is fully described in great detail in this piece. However, the emotional atmosphere is completely missing. The way it reads to me is like here is what we expect of a clop fic, and here is all those parts in the dull way possible. Let me give an example and explain what I mean.

“Seriously, dude, c'mon. Let's go!” Frosty struggled to move her hips, but the foreleg around her barrel (still teasing her clit) kept her pinned beneath him. “Please, Brick! Just rut me, okay?” she whined. “FUCK me. I've been thinking about it all day; I need it.” Her cunt clenched around his cock, trying to pull him deeper, and her clit strained with each wink, fruitlessly trying to bridge the gap between itself and his hoof. “Imma fuckin' die if you don't.”

Now read this and tell me what emotions you get. Desperation? Maybe. However, this to me isn't very believable in this situation. I realize that Frosty is playing a role, and perhaps that is what we are supposed to believe, that this is all just a fantasy, but real sex is loving, passionate, and full of moments were the partners interact in a variety of ways. A lot of times it's with their body's and the motions, but there can also be sweet flavorful dialogue that can add to the weight of the piece. However, this seems to go for the most basic of "How to clop" that I've seen. It knows the way to connect to the average reader, but for an experienced clop reader you can see where this doesn't work. Granted if you know absolutely nothing about clop and how it's supposed to work, you might not even notice it. But I did, and I feel like it's a "How to manual" of what to write for a clop fic, and that is boring. I don't wanna read a manual. I want loving action between two roommates.

6/10

Overall thoughts and feedback: I really enjoyed the characters in this piece, and I really found myself invested in wanting to know them more, it's once the clop starts where I felt rather disappointed in the execution. The ending was overall bland and underwhelming too. However, I have to give credit that this piece was co-written by Dark and Miss Direction, and I'm not sure how they went into this, but I'd like to say whoever wrote the clop, should look more into the emotions of the sex itself. While whoever handled the characters and the first chapter should do more like it, for it's the strongest part of this piece.

7/10

Final score: 5+6+7+6+7=31/50
6/10

Headpat worthy:

Boop worthy: Yes.

Needs work:

To the author: This is a decent piece, but I felt it lacking in certain areas, I hope my feedback will help you improve from here.

To the reader: Recommended for good characterization and a strong beginning.

<For archive purposes: 6/10>

7421782 I don't know if it's a regional thing, or more an issue of how things are commonly said vs what is technically correct, but 'forward' and 'forwards' are used fairly interchangeably in conversation where I'm from. I'd say it's more likely that than a typo. I'm never sure what's quite right in a story, but spellcheck seems to have some strong opinions, so I just go with that.

7421782

the pacing of the fic goes from slow to fast in ten seconds flat. Everything after that felt, at least to me like a manual wikipedia for what to include in a clopfic. It's not necessarily badly written, heck the writing itself is great, we'll get into that.

Thank you for noting that; I agree. The first chapter follows a methodical & leisurely pace, with Brick acting as a measured & stoic guard around Princess Celestia; then, Brick's the more relaxed & mature of that duo in Scene 2. With his inhibitions lost during Scene 3 (NSFW Chapter 2), nothing prevented the writing's pace from running away; frankly, the technical aspects of Scene 3's illicit interactions concerned me more than Scene 3's pacing within the overall story since that scene exists as the first clop scene I've ever written &, as you recognized ("It's not necessarily badly written, heck the writing itself is great"), I'm more of a technical writer.

However, I do think the pacing itself slows & returns to its Scene 1 & Scene 2 (Chapter 1) pace during Scene 4 & Scene 5 (Chapter 3). Since you don't mention anything about Ash Spade or Queen Chrysalis' characterizations in your review & you mentioned "The ending was overall bland and underwhelming too", I wonder whether you read Chapter 3: did you read Scenes 4 & 5? If so, the cliffhanger (ending Scene 4) & the somber note (ending Scene 5) being "bland and underwhelming" disappoints me. I see your comment was posted under Chapter 3, but you don't allude to any of its contents in your review. Chapter 3 (Scenes 4 & 5) adds a great deal of depth, exploring Hoarfrost Glitter / Frosty / Jilk's past as well as her perception of Princess Celestia as a tyrant in contrast to the abusive mother Queen Chrysalis; I took special care when writing Queen Chrysalis in this short story.

Plus, Chapter 3 (Scenes 4 & 5) leaned heavily into the short story's theme of subverting expectations: in Chapter 1, the reader sees an average evening between Brick & Frosty before the latter's identity as a Changeling is revealed (as well as Brick's lust for Celestia), but Chapter 3 includes several more miniature twists (such as revealing that Brick & Frosty/Jilk's were watched & that Princess Celestia sent a spy to investigate Brick & that Frosty suffers from intense internal conflict about her past deeds). In particular, I thought writing Frosty as a victim of indoctrination & propaganda (conflicted about the mistakes she made & crimes she committed) added a significant layer of depth to her character; she acts bubbly & "wild" on the outside to mask her deep internal conflict. It's hinted that she's committed murder ("to greet a mother in the skin of her own dead children"), among other "things". She's trying to change, but fears the repercussions of what she's done & cannot escape the haunting possibility that her mother might be right (almost like a repentant Nazi dreading the Nuremberg Trials).

That's what this story is truly all about, the clop.

Again, I agree: this story literally started out as the basic, salacious premise that "A changeling could perform well as a prostitute." That's essentially what Frosty does: she exchanges sexual favors for food, shelter, & sanctuary. From there, the short story developed & branched out into other themes (such as subverting reader's expectations & minor politics & worldbuilding), but it simply started as my first foray into the fucky.

(The “s” is not necessarily here, as when you lean forward, adding as ssss sound makes it sound off, and is also improper grammar. I’m assuming this was just a missed typo that wasn’t caught in editing, as there are very few mistakes within the piece.

As I understand it, that's not "improper grammar." "When used as adverbs, forward means towards the front or from the front, whereas forwards means toward the front." A writer could include "forward" or "forwards" based largely on preference &/or style. Howbeit, English isn't my first language; so, it's possible I made a mistake there, but I don't think so.

I'd like to say whoever wrote the clop, should look more into the emotions of the sex itself. While whoever handled the characters and the first chapter should do more like it, for it's the strongest part of this piece.

I wrote the first & second drafts of Scene 2 wherein Brick & Frosty spend eat & laugh together before NSFW Scene 3 (Chapter 2). Then, darf wrote the first draft of Scene 1 featuring Brick & Princess Celestia in Canterlot Castle before I wrote the second draft of Scene 2. Finally, darf wrote the first draft of NSFW Scene 3 (Chapter 2) &, then, I wrote the second draft of NSFW Scene 3 (Chapter 2). So, it seems I should improve on writing the emotional aspects & passion of poon whilst continuing to "handle" the characters.

Many thanks for taking both the time & effort to read that short story as well as write this review!
I enjoy discussing this short story, & your feedback could help me improve when writing new ones.

7421782
7422037
Stories are often composed of the following elements:
Plot (the conflict & the why)
Characters (the who)
Narrative (the style & the when)
Theme (a motife that drives the story forward)
Setting (when & where it's happening)
"Story" (that thing that we have no sufficient English word for about the personal journey with have with all of the above).

This makes clopfics particularly challenging to write because the goalpost is "the fuck", something difficult to accommodate with the needs described above; because of this difficulty, I have never published a clopfic before. However, I always knew that there was a way to do it right, & some of this site's authors have achieved this. This story shows you some ways to do it right...

Let us start with "story". This, along with "setting", is one of the strongest parts of this entry. Basically, the story is about the experience of a stallion named Brick, who is enamored with Celestia, but lives with a roommate he finds attractive, even if how crazy about her as a person is fairly ambiguous...maybe he really loves her, maybe he just likes somebody who can impersonate the goddess he admires. My main recommendation for a change would be to go deeper into Brick's established dislike for his mother; a lot of males pursue impossible relationships because they seek out maternal figures to compensate for the motherly love they aren't getting, though the lack of this part of the "story" really affects the theme far more than the "story".

9/10

The theme isn't badly integrated & executed either; it's about illusions vs. reality, with Brick basically chasing dreams, failing to appreciate the very real Changeling who loves him, instead he prefers this perfect goddess, who isn't even who he thinks she is; so impressed is he by her majesty that he is astonished by the fact that Celestia has things to fear. He isn't really as enamored by the real Celestia so much is he by the idea of her, & either one wouldn't really adore Brick on the same scale that Hoarfrost does. Hoarfrost's own culture seems to celebrate subjective judgements more than reality itself, which is used for Chrysalis' own means of indoctrination of her Changeling larvae. This theme is everywhere, in everything, & if the author got into the reasons why & perhaps structured even more of the story around it, it would be even better.

8/10

Then there is "plot". This is probably the weakest part of this entry. Most notably, Ash Spade's scene doesn't gel well with the rest of the events of this story. If there was a sequel or if this entry was longer, it wouldn't have clashed so much, but it doesn't merge with what we have now. It's a huge shift in related events, & in perspectives. We suddenly go from the perspectives of Brick & Frosty to a third character who was not established before in a scene that creates tension, but doesn't really relate to anything before or after other than a bit in the first scene, & a possible unseen "next part". It also clashes with the theme, which establishes that Brick should probably love the Frosty he has instead of the Celestia he can't have, but if Ash caught Frosty in her Changeling body, it would have likely ended with Brick's discharge at the very least, thus somehow making Brick's obsession with an imaginary Celestia a good thing. However, everything else about the plot is better than this; Brick goes to see Celestia, gets confused & intimidated, goes home to a Changeling absolutely eager to see him again, & they fuck. The conflict driving these events is Brick's passion for Celestia, Simple, yet a bit vague at first. To be fair, plot was probably not the main goalpost of this story; the main goalpost was the reader's shared experience with the developed characters, & the fucking, which were both handled better. If the story is expanded upon, one could easily make a more clearly defined plot about Frosty & Brick inadvertently being thrust into a massive conspiracy or running from the law.

6/10

The author also pays a considerable amount of attention to "setting". The author goes out of her way to establish how Brick comes across to other mares, how Frosty lives her life, & how things work in Equestria's current state. The basics of Changeling culture were established very quickly & thoroughly. Overall? A very fleshed-out, lore-rich take on Equestria, filled with many colorful characters.

9/10

Speaking of characters, the characters are another strong point to this entry, though not as strong as the "story". Each one has clearly defined personalities, backstories, &/or motivations. Brick has a bad relationship with his mother, was a bouncer, likes Celestia because she's a perfect beautiful goddess, can relax when he's at home with Frosty. Frosty's never tense, always living life to its fullest, probably because under Chrysalis, she couldn't at all. She loves the absolute freedom of flight. To be fair, it's easy when you're working with three original characters & one licensed character, but the extent to which their personalities & desires are fleshed out is phenomenal by clop standards.

8/10

The Narrative structure is a little more clearly defined than the plot, with three major chapters, one to set up the situation, one to have the part that we all came to see, & one to close it. The first chapter follows a structure of its own, first with introducing Brick's crush on Celestia to explain what we see next, & then to introduce Hoarfrost & get to know her well. Whereas the plot is simple but vague at first, the narrative is simple but effective. The structure makes it possible for the story to do what it came to do effectively. While there were times in the beginning that the author used rather colorful writing that reminded me of the style of Douglas Adams ("The end result resembled something like a giraffe with its head in a jar of peanut-butter"), the creative descriptions fade somewhat in the second chapter, & then almost completely disappears in the third, leaving only the thoughts of the characters to add some life & zest to their descriptions.

7/10

Final Verdict:
0/100, you should have made Brick kiss Frosty's fake Celestia teats.

I'm kidding.

41/60, or, 68/100.

...Except...

Bonus points: The sex.

The goal of all clopfics! The sex was good. Additional 7 points for it, so 48/60, or about 80/100.

7422643
It's interesting that you essentially wrote a review of the story in a review of the story in question.

7422688
I was told about this thread, & I assumed that it was so I could weigh in, so that's what I did. Is there some rule I don't know about?

7422753
Oh, no, I don't think you broke any rules. I just find it interesting.