Title: The Talk in the Cafe

EThe Talk in the Café

• MLP: FiM
• Slice of Life

Cheerilee and Starlight Glimmer decide to converse in the café after meeting on a nice day.

• Cheerilee
• Starlight Glimmer

Catpaw616 · 2k words  ·  33  3 · 521 views

Summary: 
Cheerilee meets Starlight Glimmer while shopping, and after a small exchange decided to get to know each other over a cup of tea. 

Analysis:
I’ve been saying this more frequently, but this story is a simple slice of life about two ponies that show wise should have met at least once, yet is never confirmed. This story explores that little glimpse during Starlight’s early days living in Ponyville and like Tempest Shadow, is unsure how to conduct herself after the post ‘villainous phase’. Cheerilee, a mare used to reading the needs of her class, notices Starlight’s troubles and appropriately steers the meeting into a more favorable outcome.

It’s not stated in the story, but I'd like to think Starlight’s possible friendship with Cheerilee is what steers her to an eventual life of teaching. 

Rating:
8/10

Additional:

Now this is more of me voicing my own opinions, so don’t take this as fact, but use it more as a reference or suggestion. 

What I would call short stories are stories with word counts less than 5k in length, and because of that are subjugated to a faster pace then normal. For this story, I noticed the pacing felt forced, and the wording at times was stiff. The words (for me) felt more akin to statements, and almost robotic which contributed to the pacing feeling rushed to reach their meeting. 

An example would be when Cheerilee was buying her vegetables. While most modern transactions feel like this, Cheerilee stated she was born and raised in Ponyville meaning she should at least be familiar with the merchant, or make the effort to be more friendly.  

Line used in the story.

One of the ponies who participated in the shopping trip was Cheerilee. She carried a bag and chose three apples, a couple of oranges, and a stack of bananas. She brought her items to the merchant who was selling those three fruits.

"That'll be twelve bits." The merchant said with a smile.

After giving the merchant her money, Cheerilee walked out of the market while clenching the bag's handles between her teeth.

This little exchange felt unnecessary and does little for the story other than to establish why her shopping bag was heavy. This could have been a good point, and an eventual call back to Cheerilee growing up in Ponyville, showing even if they don’t know one another, they all care for each other. When she meets Starlight, it would have shown just how out of touch Starlight is, and in a way foreign to this new life. 

With hindsight being 20/20 I might have beefed up the exchange a little to something like this:

One of the ponies who participated in the shopping trip was Cheerilee. She carried the same bag she’d been using forever,and chose three apples, a couple of oranges, and a stack of bananas. Cheerilee smiled to the stallion behind the stall as she brought her items up, and he did likewise.

"That'll be twelve bits." The merchant said with a smile.

“Twelve bits? That seems kind of low given how colorful they look!”

“Perhaps, but between you and me these fruits are good, but can’t compare to Ponyville’s farms and orchards. Trust me, you’ll taste the difference.”

His words surprised Cheerilee, but she didn’t hear offense more than pride for their town’s livelihood. It made her pause, and reflect a little before agreeing with the stallion. After giving the merchant her money, Cheerilee walked out of the market while clenching the bag's handles between her teeth.

This isn’t an answer to some question, but more of my way of letting the author become aware these story elements exist in the same way someone warns you about backing out a car. That little warning will linger and even if you don’t feel you need it, at the very least you’ll have it for later reference when needed.

Thanks for the review!

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Sorry for the late replay, I didn't get notified that someone comment. Please, if you have another story you're interested in getting reviewed don't be shy!