EDIT: This review will serve as a constructive criticism of the story structure until I can post a review about the story. I figured this needed its own review before I could tackle the story.

The Story: Clown Mare

TClown Mare

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Mystery
• Sad

Rane Shackleton is a mare that is a pegasus slave, her parents couldn't have her while they were in debt to the high society. No matter how they wanted to do this. So, a pony sold her to a royal family at the Black Market..

• Violence
• Sex
• OC

Flora Blossom · 31k words  ·  37  7 · 801 views

Summary: Based on Flora Blossom’s OC(the author) set in the Gen 2 universe where, at a young age is sold into servitude to pay her family’s debts. She lives as a maid in the castle all of her life until her life changes one day when the young prince tells her something world shattering. The story acts as a ‘retrospective’ of Rane Shackleton’s life leading up to that point. 

Analysis:

Rane stared at the prince's eyes, in the dinner room where it was dark with a one hanukkah menorah on the table that was lit up a while ago. 

“Mrs. Rane, I wanted to tell you something in return for our end of the bargain chip in two years in the future. It is highly personal.”

She used her left hoof to grab the tea cup, took a sip of it when she closed her eyes, when she took that breath in deep from her muzzle, she noticed it was a deep personal.

Sentences like the one above are common throughout what I read of the story, and often take me out of the reading as they’re clunky, and/or over filled with words. I’ve unlisted two of my earlier stories, but still have access to them and I can say this was how I wrote starting out. 

Paraphrasing one of my early sentences, I had Celestia trying to console Luna by telling the readers something like this:

“Luna? Are you sure you’re feeling well?” Celestia’s flawless voice splintered with worry and anxiety for her sister’s well-being.

I thought the description of Celestia’s voice was gold, but over time learned this isn’t the best way to write worry or anxiety. But the point I’m trying to make is, comparing my sentence and Flora Blossom’s writing, we can see a similarity in word placement. We’re both telling the readers how to feel, and respond to our written words which, depending on the context, is a big nono in writing. 

I’ll rewrite her sentence above based on how I believe they should be written. 

Rane couldn’t help but stare into the prince’s eyes. Even in the dark dinner room where she could only see certain outlines like the hanukkah menorah that had been alive a long while ago, his eyes lit up the room.

Not everyone can write like this, but my sentence(s) does the same thing, but with a fluidity that’s lacking in the first one. This isn’t me trying to beat her down, but to highlight areas of improvement that would enhance the story being written. Not long ago, I had a reader post a comment telling me that while he enjoys the story, he’s noticed the quality has gone down hill. His biggest problem was how in my early stories ‘they were dialogue packed and interesting!’

This took me by surprise, but after some reflection I could agree with him as all my comments till that point were nothing but praise. I ended up going back and rewriting the scene to which he loved a lot more and agreed it felt more in line with my early work, and going forward I’m not going to cut corners.

This is what I’m trying to do when I do these reviews, but let's move on with the next one. 

“So, Prince. What can I do? I’m a slave with no freedom to do what I truly want. I need special attention. All I know is that this here my chain around my neck is the only thing that is keeping me alive. Without it I wouldn’t be sitting here with you. I’m all ears Prince. I just wish I had better terms as a slave. However, I can’t do anything right. All I kept doing was getting a death wish in a gambling act. I’m a clown. I used to love to laugh all the time, when I juggle the empty bottles I thought I could be some pony with a chance of a clown's skill. Why prince? Why is it so hard to be me?”

I don’t know if the author is having Rane tell the prince this or if it's internal dialogue.  If this is the latter, then this strikes me as inappropriate for a maid/slave to be telling her owner this as it would be met with harsh punishments. If it's the former, then it should look something like this. 

“My, Prince. Tell me what can I do for you, my master?”  Rane asked her liege, but retreated into her mind.

I’m a slave with no freedom to do what I truly want. I need special attention. All I know is that this here my chain around my neck is the only thing that is keeping me alive. Without it I wouldn’t be sitting here with you. I’m all ears, Prince. I just wish I had better terms as a slave. However, I can’t do anything right. All I kept doing was getting a death wish in a gambling act. I’m a clown. I used to love to laugh all the time, when I juggle the empty bottles I thought I could be some pony with a chance of a clown's skill. Why prince? Why is it so hard to be me?”

I left the entire body intact, but rewrote Rane’s speaking sentence to show the distinction between the two in the chance the author meant to have everything as internal dialogue.  

Rating: 5/10

Again, this is why I hate a numerical rating system because many folks will use it as the basis for a story’s worth without knowing the whole picture. 

There are many flaws and distractions that keep me from fully enjoying the story as I’ve become jaded in my years on FIM. Many of these flaws can be fixed over time with experience and practice and that’s great because the story’s concept is interesting!

It isn’t something we haven’t seen, but an idea I welcome if done right, or introduces us to something new. While this is supposed to act as a retrospective of Rane’s life, it's bogged down by too many POV shifts mid story! We’ll be with Rane and in one sentence I’m following someone else as they go about their day and it leaves me lost. One minute Rane is talking the Prince over some tea when another server comes in, and suddenly I’m following the mare as she wonders about the chef’s cake? 

If the author wants to continue doing this, I suggest making the actual chapters all about Rane, with the supporting chapters about the characters or background workings during said chapter like so.

Chapter 1     is all about Rane and the Prince.
Chapter 1.1  is all about the servers during dinner wondering why the prince is eating with one of the maids?

Chapter 1.2  is all about the Duke and Dutchess, which can be used to drop some world building.

Chapter 1.3  is all about the Duke. (This chapter had 5 POVs in this one) 

Chapter 2     is all about Rane or the Prince. Repeat. 

If the author wants multiple POVs per chapter, she should either cut it down to two, or increase the chapter length to provide the readers time to become acquainted with the new POV. Overall, I ended once I reached chapter 2 which isn’t doing the story any justice, and could improve on all fronts…

So I skipped to the final chapter. XD 
 
I was right! While the POV shifts were still there, two years of writing had improved greatly even if the dialogue is still wonky. 

“I don’t care for her if I’m honest about it as long I breed so I can have more children to receive my wealth when I’m gone.”

Funny by itself, but I’ll take it. One step at a time people! 

Overall, this story was vastly different then what I normally read, and while I wouldn’t have read it on my own it doesn’t mean it's bad. There is an attempt to introduce a vast cast of characters while trying to juggle (pun intended) a story plot dealing with romance, topics of slavery, and overcoming struggles that can’t be overlooked. Everyone has to start somewhere, and find the strength to continue till the end even when faced against opposition. 

Once again, I’ll reiterate this review isn’t me bashing the story, but highlighting areas that can be worked on or at least be made aware of in your future writings Flora Blossom!

Cheers!

sighs... Only chapters 1 through 2... eh...

So I skipped to the final chapter. XD

lol

I guess I'll take this as a 1/10th of a review. Since many chapters were skipped.

Also, my proofreader left me so he did chapters 1-3.3 and I did 4 through 10.3 near the end...

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Fear not, for as mentioned above this review is highlighting what I consider is holding the story back. Now that the 'review' is finished, and I saw the writing had improved by the end I'm going to read the story over the next couple of days, and let it sink in. Then I'll either post and updated review here or in a separate topic.

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also my inspiration was suspense as well. However, I didn't want to show the people why yet... that's why a sequel will be there.