• Member Since 28th Aug, 2016
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Flora Blossom


What is life?

T

In the year 1253 Rane Shackleton was born however, her parents couldn't pay the child fee for the circus. So, they sold her to a royal family as a slave. A strange stallion appeared in her school one day and now he is in the house hold that she's in as a maid. A long life awaits Rane as she works towards a relationship with the prince.

Beginner Proofreader No Name 13

Artist Cover Drawn by Flora Blossom

This is the new series.

Chapters (8)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 33 )

10419600
Thank you!!! Working hard to get it right this time.

In my opinion, the pacing could use a little work. I personally would’ve woven this exposition dialogue when she comes to at the hospital, save the shower scene for giving Rane a chance to explore her psyche. The mind is one of the most vulnerable aspects of a character in my opinion, especially the protagonists.

While it might be out of your fic’s depth rating wise, look up stories of sex-trafficking victims. You’ll need it if you want to wring people’s hearts.

I am excited to see how this date turns out though! Definitely has potential! ^^

10439912
Your right about a lot of things the pacing is clearly fast and not pretty smooth, one thing wrong is every school has a med clinic instead of the hospital. The hospital isn't needed in this fiction yet... Or in this franchise yet!!!! Instead of the 6th century like I did with the 8 fictions franchise before I made this one. That's the smooth of it... This fiction is going to have maybe a few sequels... and a few prequels as well... this franchise is going to be massive like my SofL and FPB... (Secrets of the Library and Fear Pitch Black.) Instead of 8 fictions... ( taking a break from that big franchise... There will be more.) This franchise will have 10 stories... 10 oc and ten to tell the tale.... :3 Will I make a spin off... 100% yes!

10439988
I see. Don’t beat yourself up. First step is alwys the most difficult, and from there, it just gets easier.

Seriously, you definitely have potential to write something great.

Enjoying it so far.

10467476
I'm going to work hard to make this a master piece.

I personally think that the pain of Rane having her wing broken could've been described better. Breaking a bone hurts a lot, so describing Rane screaming in pain would be a good idea. Also, Prince Blue Dream's tears could've been described better too, the mare he loves in in a lot of pain right now.

You're working hard at least, I can see that ^^

10480811
yes it is true however, getting hit in the face can knock out a person cold. Even I got hit once and they broke my leg... So yeah... I also putting my self life a little bit.

10480819
I hear ya, I did the same (sorta) for Manehattan Vice. In any case, I didn't read that she got knocked out, I had mistakenly inferred she was conscious the entire time, so that would be a good detail to add.

10480824
ah, the physics of knocking out someone is pretty difficult, (if I told you shes out cold and then broke the wing) that would be telling i think???

When I use this So, she walked further, one of them used their left hoof, and used a power force on the left side of Rane's face. She dropped down and hit the gravel on the right side of her face. that is showing which I'm also testing my combat in stories... so, this is the best I can come up with.

when a pony broke a wing and didn't feel it then that also means that she's out cold.

10480840
I understand, how I would've done it is described how motionless she is as they walked over to break her wing. A good example of showing in this sense is "She walked further, one of them used their left hoof and a power force on the left side of Rane's face. She dropped like a corpse and hit the gravel on the right side of her face."

"The filly approached the very still mare, and without much resistance, used her left hoof and grabbed her left wing, she then stomped on the limp mare's left wing".

10480855
it was good talking about it... I did fix a few stuff on it... I made a few mistakes actually.

10480891
It was super fun for me too. I was also just finishing up the latest chapter of Manehattan vice before implementing some of the changes you suggested, so we both got to make our stories 20% cooler!

10480897
we should make a partnership.

10480899
I agree, that sounds awesome!

Just finished chapter 2! Love it so far!

10484750
well, there is still more parts for chapter 2... 3 parts that's where I'm going with this maybe...

10492814
I find this method interesting! very cool to see this ^^ You're doing fantastic story wise

10492883
why thank you. I hope that I get some inspiration on your story and hope you get some in mine.

Well, you seem like a reasonable person that wants to improve and hone their craft, so I’ll be brutally honest with you. Another commenter already pointed out that this story’s pacing needs a little work. To be fair, it needs a lot of work as the pacing is all over the place, and reading the whole chapter was really jarring. You start with an info dump (an exposition of redundant or irrelevant information), then fast-forward to Rane’s school days where she gets... bullied, I presume? That scene was really chaotic and hard to follow even though I read through it multiple times. Then we jump in time again to Rane slaving as a maid with the prince somewhat plotting something.

That’s a very rushed execution of something that could easily make for about half a dozen chapters. Coupled with a plethora of run-on sentences, some odd wording, and a lot of word repetition, I’m afraid that this story’s atmosphere is pretty much non-existent, and thus it’s likely that most readers who care about quality will not stick around to read on. Which is a shame, because the idea behind this is pretty great, and I’d love to see you flesh out this world a bit more :twilightsmile: Just slow down and don’t rush forward so much, let the readers get slowly and organically acquinted with your character and her situation.

On a side note, I don’t think I’ve spotted any typos, so you and your proofreader did well in this regard. Though I’d warn you against the use of the word ‘hoofs’. While it is technically correct, it’s very archaic. In other words, you won’t really see it used much in modern English, and so many people think that it’s a typo—I’ve tested it some time ago, and I’d say that about 98% people I asked considered it to be a very annoying error. Using the modern speling, ‘hooves’, is a far safer bet.

10498669
Ah, yes the pacing is something I have a deep weakness of when writing it out. I noticed when I did my first series. New series, new critics which is good. Ah, yes a time for the past was meant to be a rushed job. I want to keep that as a mystery on why they did it.

With this section of idea plot there is many ways I can write this and it will be easy for me in the future. Yes this going to be a trash job on my part. Which I could try to flesh it all out. But, I want to shut the gaps in that for at least a few more chapters ahead of schedule.

Ah, reading it multiple times yes, this is good and bad on my part. This means I missed something out of place or I did something for the reader to keep his mind on it for later chapters. I know that was a shady thing on my part. 0_0...

Hhhh, the run on sentences. Yes it's well, yes, I do have a problem with constructing a sentence, and it's still hard for me till this day.

Hmm, the quality. I'm not very good on quality fictions yet. yes the few chapters will be a bit rough and bumps. I hope I can find it soon to realize it when I write.

Ah, but that's the thing :3 I don't want it to be boring on the main protagonist. Otherwise the details of the cleaning would just be on 5 chapters or more or so on that's what I'm avoiding, even if I did that it wouldn't be right and I may never continue the story because writing several chapters of all cleaning would be to boring.

Ah, fleshing it out. hmmm, I'm not sure if I can??? But will see because this isn't an adventure story however, it might change later on.

Ah, the hoof and modern writing. Well, I never done modern writing I'm not sure if I could. Or maybe I done it but, didn't realize it during the 1st series. But I will change the hoofs to hooves though.

10498922
Um, you sound a little distraught. Did my comment scare or confuse you a bit? I’m sorry if it did, I swear that was not my intention :twilightsheepish:

10498947
it's all good I should of told you my vocabulary is limited. Well, that's the problem when I write, my english is my 4th language. Trust me translating a fiction is the most terrifying part of doing this.

10499012
Ah, I see. And it’s fine, I understand. English isn’t my native language either, but after a few years of using it actively, nobody can really tell that I’m not British or American. Honestly, I think that the best trick to learning how to write well in English is to read and listen to it a lot. Forget textbooks and the like, you can pick up all the phrases, idioms, and general sentence structure just by observing how others speak and write. Also, I suggest hiring an experienced editor that could fill in the gaps in your knowledge and tell you that something does’t sound right. That’s also a huge step to improving fast.

Also, I see you edited your previous comment, so let me just clarify a few things. Fleshing out a story isn’t just a matter of adventure stories. It generally refers to just showing more of what’s going on. In other words, you could have shown more of her bullying problem, some interaction with the circus folks and her parents when they sold her away, her interacting with the ponies she now serves. Those are the things that I had in mind when I said this could easily make for a bunch of chapters. Showing five chapters of her cleaning would not only be boring, it’d also be pretty much irrelevant to the story at hand. But showing five chapters of her going from the bullied filly to the mare she is now, that’s a very different thing. As for the modern writing, you are writing in modern English. Plus hooves have been the preferred form of the word for about a century now.

10499075
ok... I think I understand just a little bit. However, bullying and the parents is way beyond in further chapters. I guess there can only be one thing... I guess we both have to wait until I complete this.

10499085

However, bullying and the parents is way beyond in further chapters.

Ah, the retrospective approach. In that case, I don’t think the parents selling her away and such need to be mentioned in the first chapter at all then. Better keep it as a surprise of sorts into the later chapters.

Anyway, I understand this might be a lot to take in. So, if you ever need anything or have some questions about how something can be executed or how something in English works, feel free to let me know. I’ve been writing for over a dozen years and have about half a decade of editing experience under my belt, so chances are, I’ll be able to help you myself or could at least point you in the right direction.

10499198
Cool! I never knew what retrospective is. But, I may have a few questions. Well, since this is getting good than my other series I feel a bit pressure. What do you do when your under pressure?

Should I use an english dictionary instead of a translator?

10499202
Well, depends on what kind of pressure you have in mind, exactly. If you could elaborate a bit, it’d be great. Also, since we are not really talking about the story anymore, I suggest moving this discussion into private messages.

As for the dictionary vs translator problem, I don’t think it matters that much. Dictionary won’t help you with constructing a sentence, translators (especially Google Translate) tend to be really messy. I’d say the best thing you can do is use a translator and then check if the words it spat out have the meaning you desired.

10499270
i'll keep those in mind thanks.

The series is going to have lots of characters!!!!!!!

Why are you already putting this story on hiatus?

10543950
Several good reasons... don't worry this story isn't going to fall under I can't finish section... I need some moments of time on how I'm going to do this. There is a lot of ways to make this story doomed or good. It is time to think how I'm going to put some of the other 9 oc characters in this series (there totally going to be in this structure world I'm building.) 1 fiction that isn't complete would be this one but I will finished it sometime in 2021... Most of my chapters are usually summer or fall. Winter such as Christmas doesn't give me the motivations and I have a feeling like I might screw up from parents sinning and watching Christmas movies.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!