TThe Adventures Begin

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Comedy

Sunset get banished into another world and start a journey to come back home (With some help)

• Violence
• Gore
• Profanity
• Crossover
• Human
• Alt. Universe
• Other
• Sunset Shimmer

Dragon Shimmer · 90k words  ·  55  26 · 1.9k views

Story summary: This is an alternate dimension adventure featuring Sunset Shimmer. When she gets banished from Equestria, she is invited to join a team and starts a journey with them to find the way back to Equestria.

Just like or dislike if you feel this story good or not good. Your criticism will help me a lot.

(My little pony crossover with Epic Battle Fantasy 3 and 4, owned by Matt Roszak.

The picture is owned by LeonKay.

Warning: Sunset is in her pony form throughout the story. And maybe OOC.

My analysis: Okay, I am somewhat familiar with the games this story references, and there is some fun to be had in them. However, this story is very confusing. There are good elements and ideas to this story, but I feel like the countless gramical errors make it harder to read. That, and I feel like the pacing is off. There are funny parts, but the combat sections are too many, with a lack of description through relying on the spell names. Parts of the story go too fast, others where the characters could have emotional bonding are glanced over, and some parts of combat and pointless points of the story could be skipped altogether.

Grammar: 3/10

There are countless gramical errors in this story, many of which a good spellchecking software could fix. I don't want to flood this whole review with this one section, so I took chapter two and editied it in a google doc. The pacing is pretty good in this one, but it was a good one to edit for spelling purposes.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t6L-GuG6b-5zX2BRaOr-13v0Lqo3ske-WvZUF4X8l6w/edit?usp=sharing

Story plot: 6/10

Okay, using this game is very clever, and the idea of this being the location of said banishment for Sunset is intriguing too. However, I feel like the potential isn't used to it's fullest, failing to create backstory for our three heroes. The concept is here, but it feels like it could have been utilized better in the long one.

Story flow: 4/10

I make a comment on this in the google doc, but several places that could be elaborated on aren't, and the long and uninteresting fights (There are a few good ones, just so you know) tend to drag the story down, like something that could easily be skipped, or make jokes over, or summarized quicker. There are good parts, but they are weighed down by the countless weak points. I think the baseline of a good story is here, but it's missing within the parts that could have been elaborated on, and having too many parts that could have been condensed.

Final score: 13/30 4.3 10

How to improve:

First of all, read my google doc, take notes about the edits, namely the shift to past tense and the adjustment to name repetition, which I have gone over in past reviews. I think there are several enjoyable ideas and parts in this story, and it has the groundwork of a good story. Don't take my criticism as a means to discourage you, but as a chance to help you imrpove. Take time to double check your writing, and ask a friend or two to go over it.

This is a rough story to read, but has the foundation of an entertaining and exciting story. If the author can at least fix the gramical part, the story will improve immensely. Keep writing, learn, and become better.

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Thanks for your reviewing. This series are not yet finished but I am admit that the flow is too fast.

P/S: I need an editor