SUMMARY
Following a heated sibling argument between Thorax and Pharynx, the older brother seeks out answers from the princess of friendship, but finds them in her big brother instead.

A simple story with a simple idea, Brotherhood highlights the role of being a big brother and how to get past those emotions that might tarnish that special bond. And it does this through a creative pairing, that of Pharynx and Shining Armor.

LANGUAGE - Good, 8/10
Style:
Overall, the writing in the story is clear and consistent throughout. The author's narrative voice is strong, providing an appropriate amount of detail without negating the immersion.

Some next steps regarding voice would be to start introducing these details to the reader indirectly. i.e. through the use of actions and tone. Take this excerpt:

As Ponyville came into sight, Pharynx’s hope rose. His hope that he would be able to set things right again between him and his brother. He flew down to Twilight's Castle and knocked. When Spike answered, he seemed a little surprised, but he didn’t say anything much.

The pacing of this excerpt is good and easily gets the point across. But it can be made more vivid with small details, such as suggesting how Pharynx's pulse quickened, or a warm feeling squirmed inside him, and so forth. Likewise with Spike being surprise - imagine how he would express that through wide eyes and muzzle drawn back in a puzzled look, or something like that.

The goal of any story is to take the reader to that time and place, with those characters and their lives. The language is the vehicle for transporting the reader there, and action and tone are the fuel.

My only complaint with the style of this story is the structuring of the timeline and how that is executed. The story begins with a single sentence establishing what is "present time" and then moves into a flashback to provide the context for the story's main plot. I like the idea of this to generate intrigue. I do not, however, think the use of italics to identify the flashback is appropriate to set apart a 1,300 word scene. Italics are slightly more difficult to read and generally reserved for emphasis. Furthermore, when emphasis is desired or thoughts are voiced in this format, the reversion to normal font does not convey the same level of distinctness.

I like this idea, as it is creative and dramatic, but I also find it hard to justify the need for this flashback scene when, as written, it is chronological to the main plot with the exception of the very first sentence. There are other ways to provide the details of the brother's fight, such as having Pharynx recall the important snippets while flying to Ponyville. (This would be the method I would use, since I could use the setting to assist in establishing mood and thematic elements).

Mechanics:
The mechanics of this story are good, with very few errors. Sentence structure is great, with a decent variety.

Some paragraphs, particularly those in the ending of both scenes, could be split to improve the flow of ideas.

The word "foreign" was consistently misspelled.

Spike seemed to pick up on this clue, as he just nodded, as he invited Pharynx inside.

This sentence is awkward because it uses repeated clauses "as he...". Consider revising with active verbs and structuring the actions of the character in a more linear fashion, instead of suggesting them in additional clauses.

"5+" should be written out as "five plus". In general, numbers one through nine should be spelled out, as well as numbers that begin a sentence.

Mood and Tone:
There is not much to comment on for this section. The use of italics has been discussed in the previous section; it is effective, but should be used cautiously as overuse can diminish its effect. Furthermore, word choice can convey the same sense of emotion.

The language is neutral in most places, while the tone of both Shining Armor and Pharynx is overwhelmingly polite. I would expect this from Shining, but given what Pharynx has gone through in this story as well as his presentation from the show, I would expect him to be more reserved in personal feelings, and more aggressive in expressing his negative emotions. This excerpt shows what I mean:

“Well, I had a little problem,” Pharynx began, “that I was sure that Twilight could help me on. But it seems I will have to wait. Anyhow. So what is it like being a big brother?” Pharynx asked with a shrug

It comes across as too casual or calm, especially if what happened was drastic enough to make Pharynx fly all the way to Ponyville and ask for help. The tone and mood should reflect the severity that.

I do like the use of setting to convey overall mood.

SETTING - Good, 7/10
The setting is good, although it does not play an active role in the story. Enough details and interactions are provided to establish it.

I like the choice of time (early morning) as it lends well to the mood of the story; I would suggest, to make this time feel more like 2 am in the morning, that the characters reflect that through their voices and actions.

The use of the night sky and one star in particular is a nice use of symbolism and interplay with the setting.

CHARACTERS - Fair, 6/10
The characters in this story are good portrayals of their canon selves, with some nice development of Pharynx in particular. Both his character and that of Shining Armor are good choices to explore the idea of being a big brother (and sibling to a leader), making their pairing a nice fit.

The Pharynx presented in this story is one that has already undergone his development from the season seven episode "To Change a Changeling". The fight that Pharynx and his brother have at the beginning of this story is a good way to trigger this exploration of how Pharynx's character has progressed since that episode; the possible relationship between Thorax and Ember and Pharynx's reaction to it allows the reader to understand some of his current struggle, that of feeling jealous or perhaps lonely. This is further developed with the suggestion of the star and Pharynx's suppositions about it as Princess Luna herself guiding him towards both the answer to his argument with his brother and the possibility of a relationship.

However, the bulk of the story does not focus on this aspect of his character, nor does it really dig into the jealousy angle. Pharynx is portrayed as calm throughout most of his conversations with Shining Armor. Furthermore, I believe that their conversation reaches it's main point, brotherhood, too quickly, especially since that point is initiated by Pharynx's questions immediately after introductions. It has been established that Pharynx is not open with his emotions, thus it would seem to reason that asking for help would be a struggle his character has to overcome as it leaves him vulnerable. However, he seems to reach that decision easily each time he makes it in this story, thus skipping over the progress his character is making and denying the reader the satisfaction of seeing him grow.

Shining Armor is a static character, which is to be expected based on his role as the catalyst for change in Pharynx's character. He is portrayed here very close to his canon self, confident and, well, brotherly with all the associated wisdom and bit of goofiness. He serves as a good role model for Pharynx, but I think it would have been more interesting for him to lead the conversation rather than Pharynx. In this way, he could be the driver behind the development of Pharynx, rather than as a sounding board for his musings as he is presented in the story.

My only other gripe with the characters is the voicing which tends to rely on bits from the show. This excerpt, for example, draws heavily from the song "B.B.B.F." and seems a bit too expository for Shining.

I remember so many times that Twily, that’s a nickname for my sister, and I did different things together. One of our favorite activities was to go fly a kite, and eat an apple which we split afterwards.

PLOT/THEMATIC DEVELOPMENT - Good, 7/10
Overall the plot is good and well-structured for a character piece centered on Pharynx. As I mentioned in the previous section, the only thing that holds it back is that there does not seem to be substantial progress in Pharynx overcoming his emotions; he seems to have calmed down substantially between the two scenes, thus causing the reader to miss out on some of that inner tension.

The pacing is great, and I like the structure of timeline. I do think, however, that the first sentence should be expanded to justify the flashback, or reworked so that the flashback occurs as Pharynx is flying to Ponyville; the latter option would also help build tension and allow for the progress to feel more satisfying.

The symbolism of the star and what it represents, i.e. a relationship with Luna for Pharynx, is a nice element but is underdeveloped such that it feels like an afterthought. The plot is about Pharynx's relationship with his brother and not his romantic attractions. This idea could belong, though, if the jealousy/feeling left out angle was focused on more.

However, this story has a great message about brotherhood with several good ideas being presented. To that end, I believe this story accomplishes its purpose.

FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a nice story about two characters who do not get a lot of attention, especially together. I like the ideas the author presents. The writing is easy to read and shows that the author has a good command of language.

That being said, there is still room for improvement. Emotionally driven stories require emotions in the language, which requires attention be paid to the mood and tone. Additional details provide further immersion and buy in to the characters. Tension and a sense of progress will keep readers engaged so that the core message sticks with them.

Overall, Good story. 7/10

Score guide
Unsatisfactory: 0-3
Fair: 4-6
Good: 7-8
Excellent: 9-10

7586205
Thank you for this feedback. I will try to start adding more emotions to the story, while also slowing down the pace a bit to develop a little more.