EMagical Mystery What If

• MLP: FiM
• Slice of Life

Twilight has an unexpected answer for her mentor the night she becomes an alicorn.

• Alt. Universe
• Twilight
• Spike
• Celestia
• Main 6

Nineveh Orion · 1.5k words  ·  98  10 · 3k views

SUMMARY
Upon being transformed into an alicorn following her success in solving the "magical mystery", Twilight Sparkle is faced with a choice on what to do next. Her answer is not what one might expect.

This is a short little story based on the season three episode "Magical Mystery Cure". It offers a "what-if" scenario that is a cute premise along with some of the writing. However, this is also a heavily debated episode within the fandom and this story does not contribute much to that discussion due to its surface level presentation and overused cliché.

LANGUAGE - 5/10
Style:
My impressions of this story's language style were positive on my initial read through. The writing is simple and seems to be directed towards a younger audience more inline with My Little Pony's target demographic. It made me realize that I do tend to assume most of the writers and readers here are of a more mature disposition.

However, my second read through revealed some significant issues that relegate this story to only a fair rating. The primary element of concern is the overuse of cliché. Consider just the opening sentences:

Twilight's head was spinning from all that had happened to her that day. First, she [...]

And now she was an alicorn, apparently. [...]

Her friends were taken it rather well, all things considered.

Sure, these phrases may communicate the intent, but they are hardly that exciting or engaging to readers. Even if the intended audience is younger, having some simple yet vivid language can make it fun as well as allow the character quirks and plot elements to pop.

This leads to my second point, which is that the writing is heavy on expository details. The action of the story is simply told instead of developed; characters' reactions are explicitly stated at a basic level. There is this series of actions from Celestia appearing every other paragraph in the middle of the story:

Celestia walked forward ...

[...]

Celestia shook her head.

[...]

Celestia nodded.

[...]

Celestia giggled as she stood straighter.

[...]

Celestia didn't mind though, as she chuckled.

[...]

Celestia gave her a wink.

[...]

Celestia giggled.

Simply put, these excerpts highlight a lack of variety and creative energy in the story. This story is only 1,400 words and it feels just that bare.

Mechanics:
There were several issues in the grammar mechanics of this story. Perhaps the greatest of these is improper verb tense. Here is an example from the first paragraph:

First, she switched her friends' cutie marks, fixed that, rewritten a spell by Starswirl the Bearded, gotten a rather nice song by Princess Celestia about how it was time for her destiny to begin.

The first thing to correct is the parallel structure - "rewritten" and "gotten" are past participles while "switched" and "fixed" are standard past tense. However, given that this passage is stating something that happened prior to the main timeline of the story, I would use past perfect tense instead; doing so helps the reader understand which actions occured relative to others.

Next, some conjuctions and/or transition words need to be added to the list. There are a number of ways this can be accomplished depending on pacing, flow, and just general stylistic preference. Here is how I would revise this sentence:

First, she had switched her friend's cutie marks but had fixed that while rewritting the spell by Starswirl the Bearded. Then, she had gotten a nice song from Princess Celestia about how it was time for her destiny to begin.

The sentences are fine throughout, although a few permissible fragments appear. There are some examples of incorrect comma placement, and a few typographical errors such as repeated words.

Mood and Tone:
I do not have much to say in this section as mood and tone are somewhat lacking in this story. However, this excerpt caught my attention:

Twilight giggled. That was a horrifying thought. Anypony who honestly thought making all of her friend's alicorns was a good idea was an idiot.

The language here is confusing as to what the intended tone is supposed to be. Twilight giggling implies a lighthearted mood, but then the word "horrifying" is a significant shift. Furthermore, the final statement implies a tone that is harshly critical. Three strong and vastly different emotions in a short time - very confusing for the reader.

SETTING - 3/10
The setting is very basic. Much of this story seems to take place in a white void as there is minimal interaction between characters and the setting. Is is not stated until the last paragraphs of the story that perhaps the characters are standing near Golden Oaks library.

There are some interesting details of lore with regard to alicorns. One is the idea that becoming an alicorn does not equal becoming a princess. But this is as far as that idea is developed.

CHARACTERS - 6/10
The characters in this story are fair and for the most part are written true to their canon selves. However, this is also my primary issue with the characters. They follow too closely their stereotype as outlined in the show and there is no significant development in any of their characters.

Consider Twilight Sparkle as presented by this author. Initial her character is confused and somewhat dazed, a natural Twilight thing to occur; the rather odd phrase "what the friggety" provides a succinct description Twilight's starting point. But then she goes through several different emotional states, from in shock, to sheepish, to confused again, then finally landing on a sort of optimism. These are believable for the character, but she never really goes anywhere. The biggest suggestion of a struggle she faces is when she states this in response to Celestia's offer of being a princess:

Twilight thought about it for a moment, before shaking her head. "No. At least. Not right now. I don't know what I want to do with my life. This is just all so sudden. I'm not ready for it."

However, there is no noticeably tension with Twilight's character as she is making this choice, and thus no payoff for her character.

The remaining characters are just as static. Most of the other mane 6 seem to simply be included for the purpose of reminding the audience that they exist, and perhaps because they were present in the source episode. However, it is best to include only those characters that have a meaningful impact on the plot and other characters; otherwise they just take up space which as a premium in a short story.

The one character besides Twilight who is important is Princess Celestia. Her character is likewise stagnant. There are hints of her being a wise ruler, such as when she describes that nopony is perfect. There is also the very odd pull of her character towards Canterlot near the end of the story; I can see no other purpose for it other than to suggest the story is nearing it's end.

I believe that for a fan fiction with a possibly young intended audience, the characters are passable. Their dialogue is believable despite the frequent cliche. However, there is also no depth to these characters to make readers buy into them. They simply exist.

PLOT/THEMATIC DEVELOPMENT - 4/10
The plot of this story is very simple - Twilight has to make a choice. This could be an exciting premise, looking into the internal and external conflicts that could affect Twilight and those around her. But the premise fails in this story because it lacks the three basic elements (from a theory by author Brandon Sanderson) of a satisfying plot: promise, progress, and payoff.

Let's begin with the promise; it is in the title of the story: "an unexpected response". We as the reader can thus expect something unexpected, and we should be curious as to what that is. To some extent then, the promise is decent for this story, and further reinforced with some dialog by Pinkie Pie and the others.

However, the progress is lacking. The best hint is in this statement from Twilight:

Twilight blushed under the praise she was getting. She really couldn't argue with all of those points. "But what if I don't want to be a princess?"

It is a sort of turning point, but a weak one. There is no build up to this point in the story; indeed, even in just the sentence prior to Twilight's spoken dialog the text seems to indicate that she will agree with Celestia and accept her role as princess. Thus, Twilight's statement has no weight, nor does it deliver the gravity of an "unexpected response" since the lack of tension leading up to it destroys any release it might have created.

Finally, the payoff is not that satisfying, primarily due to the lack of tension. Twilight makes her decision without much fuss, everypony is happy about it, and then they have a party.

The plot should be the backbone of the story; it should be told through the characters, who in turn should be motivated by the central conflict, whether that be with other characters or themselves. The plot should take the characters far away from home, whether physical or just simply the status quo, in order to grow them in some way. Furthermore, a development of tension throughout the story can be effective because it makes the reader want to find that release, to keep reading until eventually they receive a payoff that is satisfying (or not, if that is the goal of the story. I'm looking at you Background Pony).

FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a simple story with a nice premise. The characters are true and there are some cute moments.

However, this story is also severely underdeveloped, at least for what I am used to. It seems to me that, aside from the "what-if" premise, there was not much original development of ideas. It's a story that exists for the sole purpose of expressing that what-if and to some degree, given the nature of this fandom with regards to canon and certain decisions by the show-writers, that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Overall, Fair story. 4.5/10

Score guide
Unsatisfactory: 0-3
Fair: 4-6
Good: 7-8
Excellent: 9-10

7516049
Thanks. The grammar mistakes are easy enough to fix. And yeah, I could've done more with some of the details and ideas. But this started out only as a silly idea stuck in my head that I had to get out before I went crazy thinking about it.

So I partly blame that. Everything else about the critique feels like a personal opinion though (since no one else has said anything about what you pointed out), so I'm not sure of how to take it.

But thank you anyway

7516196
Glad you found something out of the review.

You mention that some of my points felt like an opinion - please know that I try to keep my reviews as objective as possible, citing specific sections in the work I review along with the rule, theory, or writing concept that explains why that section is an effective or ineffective example.

As for no one else pointing out what I have said, I consider that a good thing and here is why: you submitted your story to review because you wanted feedback to improve, correct? When a commenter posts something, their intent is not that same as mine, nor are they necessarily looking through it with the same lens. I do multiple reads of each story and take detailed notes; when I write my reviews, I constantly refer to established rules and practices for writing to keep myself accountable to what I am saying.

You are always welcome to chat further with me through PM's or on our discord server regarding my thought process in this review. Keep on writing!