TThe Adventures Begin

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Comedy

Sunset get banished into another world and start a journey to come back home (With some help)

• Violence
• Gore
• Profanity
• Crossover
• Human
• Alt. Universe
• Other
• Sunset Shimmer

Dragon Shimmer · 90k words  ·  55  26 · 1.9k views

Review: The Adventure Begin

Tags:  [Gore] 10%, [Violence] 100%, [Profanity] 30%, [Adventure] 100%/10%, (because there is more than one) 

Critic:  So the title is 1 story and not multiple?  And this fiction will be an adventure… I’m sure it must be a one shot with 1,000 words or at least 5,000.  So I’m sure that the greatest mistake is the title.. All must be capitalized because it’s a title of the fiction.  

Examples.  The Loud Mouth of the End.  The reason The is capitalized it’s because it’s the first word.  The second reason why the second the is not capitalized is because well not needed.  That included the of… but End needs to be because of it.  

You can’t describe something but you post a picture… Well since you're new at writing i’ll give you hints on how to describe.

“What are those? They look like the size of a mare size pony with those big black eyes and the mouth looks so dry.” 

Or something like that…. 

For the rest of the story.

You should have put more lore to the monsters and how they were created… unless you show it later in the story or a sequel or prequel.

It seems you might have rushed this a little bit.  Although not sure why you need 2 prologues. 

Conclusion:  I still think it needs improvements, since this is incomplete I wont go full board on this yet it’s still kept me interested.  However you need to do your part for all readers not just me that is…  endless readers. :3 … where other people may have a different opinion than mine.  It is clear that I’ll grade it today based on what you've done.

So far I have to say it’s interesting so far I give it at least an 8/10

The flow of the fiction is a bit choppy (link may have killed it for me…  however each picture is 1,000 words I think???)  but since you have the link to it it made me go to a different page.  Some readers would look down on you for that. The flow would be at least a 5/10 for now.

The word choice is pretty alright but it’s nothing too high yet. So in that case I’ll give it at least a 6/10 for trying at least.  Characters need to pop out a bit more otherwise the characters would be stale and it doesn’t look good if they are stale.

Grammar needs a lot of work still and this may be at fault.  Grammar is everyone's weak spot including me back in the day.  However, I have to at least put it down to a clear 4/10. It needs a lot of work.  This also counts as details, showing what the characters are doing.  Longer chapters are good.  Unless a short chapter is needed.  Is the fiction still readable… Why yes it is.

The final score that is so far is at least   23/40  which is at least a 5.2/10.

7505644
Thanks for your reviews. Honestly there is a sequel after I'm done this fic..

P/S: what is that 10%?

7505916
not enough gore sorry it's been a while.