ENight Skies and Butterflies

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure

Fluttershy knows it is her honor to have born into the Lunar Guard. She knows it with all her heart. But sometimes, there is something that doesn't feel right. Sometimes she feels like Equestria is missing a little kindness.

• Alt. Universe
• Fluttershy
• Nightmare Moon
• Main 6

Daemon of Decay · 38k words  ·  315  9 · 4.1k views

Summary:

Night Skies And Butterflies

This Au story is about Fluttershy and that she is born as a thestral, and is a member of the Lunar Guard, loyal thestrals that went into hiding after the battle of the two sisters.
Her kind and friendly nature, along with her heritage brings her in trouble more often than not in this military organisation which leads to some ponies plotting to get rid of her. These events lead to Fluttershy is sended out of the underground Citadel into the land of the sun tyrant, old enemy of the one and only true princess…

*

So far the story is split into two parts. One is the ‘overall’ storyline, where the lore of the world is told by entering the point of view of different characters and tells what happens behind the curtains and sets things in motion. The other one is focused on Fluttershy as the protagonist, following her and showing how all this is affecting her life. The transition between them is fluent and well written.

***

Well this story is written by the book, in both good and bad. What we have here is a more or less typical ‘A Hero's Journey’ or ‘Stereotypical Adventure Story’ with some ancient rome conspiracies added to the mix. That mustn't be bad, but I think it limits the story's potential.

Let me explain on this, what the author created here is an interesting and well made new backstory for Fluttershy, so the lore and how the world is going in this story is a pleasure to read and entertain. However, how the story progresses while showing us around is very much predictable. The authors play by the book, meaning the story structure is like mentioned in many guides for writing this kind of story, raising tension, climax, resolve, calm phase with lore telling, raising tension… repeat.

It will depend on the reader if they are into this or not. For those who like a good old classic adventure story, this story is definitely worth a read. If you are looking for something out of the ordinary, besides the lore, there is not much to see.

*

What does peak out at this story however is the flow and the characters. The flow can be easily explained due to the story structure, but still it is well done non the less. This is, at the point I write this review, a 7 chapter and nearly 40k words long story, but except for one little scene, it never gets boring or filled with filler material. We all know that feeling when you read along and suddenly something happens the author finds worth to write but is of no interest for the reader, or at least not at the point it is placed. Well, this story does not have that flaw so far, at least for me, even with the predictable plot, it was a nice read.

And that leads me to my second point which stands out at this story, the characters. They have a great influence on the matter of course!

You see, many authors just grab some of the show characters and adjust them to their story to get more readers and don’t need to build the character up. This story however, not only adds a lot of well written Oc’s, who have their own goals and backstories to a degree, but also takes Fluttershy and makes her a believable alternative universe character. That is not an easy task!

The Fluttershy in this story has enough from the original one to be identified as Fluttershy, even if the author would have made her an Oc or changed her name, which they didn’t. You read about her in this story and can only agree, yes, that is Fluttershy, no matter she is a batpony and in the military. At the same time however, the author managed to give her enough adjustment to make her believable in this new background as well as cutting back on her annoying push-over behaviour from the show. And that is in my eyes a great achievement. To explain on that, I am not a fan of the middle seasons Fluttershy at all, due to her being a slow downer and millstone around the neck most of the time for everyone. Though, in this story, she is an interesting character who actually contributes something. And even more than that, she manages to stand out from the rest by showing mercy and compassion in a more cruel and dark world and that in a fitting believable way without breaking the flow or lore.

And not only Fluttershy is well done, all the other characters that show up in this story are too. They have their motives, their ‘screen time’, a purpose, in short all that is needed to entertain the reader and care for what they are doing. Hardly will you find a character in this story who is just an aside for the purpose of being there.

Rating:

Storyline/Plot: 5/10    
This story has an excellent lore and new background for Fluttershy, but is completely predictable in how it is going at the moment.

Characters: 10/10 
I hardly give that many points for characters, but this story makes everything right with them. 

Adventure: 6/10      
It has everything that is needed to be an adventure story, but what I really miss is the spark of creativity or surprise in the events that are shown. Reading adventure means that you want to be entertained with risks and unpredictable obstacles along the way.

21/30 = 7/10

Feedback for the author:

Well, in case of lore or characters I don’t have to tell you much. How you build up an ancient rome like political culture and fill it with life by your characters is already awesome. And as I said, your main character Fluttershy is also already well written. 

The only thing I really can point at is the chain of events, or their order. My advice would be to be a bit more daring in your writing. That is if it wasn’t your goal to write a run-of-the-mill adventure story. So far your story pleases due to its readability and interesting characters along with exploring the world in your AU, but what I miss is something worth memorizing in the long run. You know, that kind of stuff you talk with your friends about a year after you read a story, like, do you remember *random story*, and that or this scene? That was awesome!