TDeath of a Queen

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Dark
• Adventure

Chrysalis had welcomed the end, but one final visitor forces her to reconsider.

• Violence
• Death
• Twilight
• Celestia
• Luna
• Chrysalis

Arkane12 · 153k words  ·  324  12 · 5.3k views

(Read till chapter 26, story is still unfinished at this moment I post this review)

Death of a Queen

Foreword:

Today's story is something special. Normally I write my reviews mostly logical and keep an eye open for the realism and therelike, but Death of a Queen needs a bit of a different approach. 
My usual way of reviewing would put this story in a more or less negative light, which would not spend the story the deserved credit. Even though I noticed flaws and problems with this story, some of them are quite heavy to be honest, still, this story manages to entertain. That's mostly due to the author's ability to write his scenes and social interactions between the characters, which reminds a bit of other, non mlp,  longer adventures style fics.
So what I try to say this time is, if you forgive me the bluntness, the overall plot is scattered, it lacks focus, purpose and very much common sense. Still, as I read along, I was entertained and it was a pleasurable read most of the time.
How does that come to be? Well let's look at the review to answer that, though, I will have to say something in the feedback section about this all again.

Summary:
This story takes place after Queen Chrysalis was defeated at the end of season 6 and had returned to an old hive somewhere in the desert. There, Celestia finds her and since Chrysalis is heavily wounded, wants to take her back to Canterlot to care for her. Chrysalis refuses and attacks Celstia, ending up in both being on the verge of death and getting picked up by Twilight later on and transported back to Canterlot.

From there the story switches, without spoiling to much, between drama, adventure, romance and later on a bit of action.  

*

As I already said in my foreword, the plot is more an aside in this story. Honestly I had no clue what this story was about for several chapters, and, if we are 100% honest, I still miss a focus or real goal till now. It has an overall direction, but everything along the road is more or less up to the author's mood or feedback they get.

Normally that would be disastrously bad. But like I said, this story has other strong qualities.

If we look at the start of the story, as well as most of the later chapters, the author takes their time to introduce us to the scene. Sounds, smell, view, whatever is needed to really feel into a scene is written down. In a slow place, the authors take their time to guide you into the situation they want to show you. It was sometimes on the edge of being too slow, but in the end, worth the read. You start the chapters with a good knowledge of what's going on and which mood and atmosphere is present. On that part, a job well done by the author!

Also, in the individual scenes, a lot of focus is spent on the surroundings too. Be it a conversation they overhear, some points of interest they pass by or simply a couple in the background that comes to notice. All increases the idea of a well thought out background and spended attention to details. Again, something that is good for the story and a pleasure to read.

And another point I want to address before we go to the negative territory again, is the way the characters interact with each other on occasional meetings besides the plotline. It feels whole, not plot driven only, not too slow or fast, but interesting while entertaining. The ability of this author to write individual scenes impresses sometimes.

Though, what really bugged me about this story was how the overall plot progresses and the individual goals for all parties involved. Let me explain on that:
How much I like how this author writes his scenes, so much I dislike how he connects them and how he decides what happens next.

This story starts adventure-mystery like, combined with the skill of the author, an enjoyable experience. Then it goes over to a bit of drama/cat and mouse play, which while written well enough, is a contrast to the start already. It tips the reader a bit off in my opinion. It is nothing story breaking, but something to keep in mind.

And then comes what kills the storyline in my opinion. The author tries his best, no matter what, to establish a romantic connection between Twilight and Chrysalis. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against this ship, and I have even stories in my favorites that handle that topic very well. Though, in this story, it is complete nonsense. It lacks the necessary buildup, both characters are not in the mindset for that kind of event at the point in the story it happens. Also while normally there is a reasoning for why they get attracted to each other, the reasons that are presented in this story are unrealistic and out of character for both of them, even by the slightly altered versions the author uses.

Sadly, this also tips off the ongoing storyline further.

When suddenly more and more of the events and dialogs focus on this ‘romance’ the previous main plot gets forgotten by the author. Sorry that I have to place a little spoiler here, but it is necessary to get the point across.
Celestia is in danger of dying, permanently it seems. Twilight is tasked to find a cure. It is a matter of time. Though, the plot drags Twilight to all kinds of social events, flirting a bit along the way and even having a relaxing day at the spa with someone all while Celestia could die. That doesn’t fit in the slightest. I don’t want to spoil all the plot so far, but it doesn’t make sense to have the romance take place there. More so with Chrysalis being responsible for Celestia's condition. The story shows how much Twilight cares for Celestia as mentor, as friend. Though, Twilight fell in love quite hastily with the character that may be responsible for Celestia dying, if she dies that is.

So with that being said, I want to point out again, that the scenes for themselves, if you ignore their connection to the plot, are well written. It is simply the overall storyline that does not fit with them at all.

*

Rating and Final Thoughts:

Writing Style: 9/10 

Pacing, wording, paragraphing and even chapter length are well handled. The reading experience is good with this story for the individual chapters.

Author Style: 3/10

That is the biggest issue with this story, while the author knows how to write, he does need help with what to write I think. Focus changes, irrelevant side chapters; many stuff that needs a second pair of eyes.

Romance: 2/10

This story is tagged Romance and Dark. There is no adventure tag, or drama or Slice of Life (as of the moment I write this review) That means I judge only that, and at this the story fails. The romance between Twilight and Chrysalis feels rushed, out of place, and wouldn’t work out the way it is presented so far.

Characters: 6/10

Here we have two things again, first, how they act and behave in the stories plotline. Means in the limits the author has created for them. And if we accept the form the author pressed them into, like the romance, or for Luna to be a bit more dark and mysterious for example, it works out.

On the other hand, they are canon characters mostly. That means they act like in the show whenever it fits for the plot, while they behave strangely when the plot needs them to be that way. Also counts for their intellect. They are a bit more clever than in the show and have more adult views on things, as long it does not affect the plotline the author wants for them negatively, if so, they are showlevel smart at best. This alteration for the sake of the plot is really a downer.

20/40 -> 5/10

Though!  As I said, the strict logical approach does not fit here. This story, even with all the flaws it has, entertained me and gave me a good reading time. (Till chapter 20 or so, where things really fell apart plotwise)

So by the emotional point of view, this story earned some extra points. And to be fair, quite a lot of those.

So my final rating would be:

6.5/10

*

Feedback:

I would advise to recruit a pre-reader or co-author and wait longer with the publishing of the chapters. You need someone who gives you a second pair of eyes on your scenes and ideas in my small opinion. You know how to write, but you need help with what to write I say again.

Also focus on your main aspect of the story, if you choose it to be romance, then stick to it. Recently you go for action heavy chapters, sometimes along the way we have Slice of Life (Fluttershy) and all this change in focus will reduce your main readers. You attract them with your description and the first chapters, they stay if they like what they see. If you change that too drastically you lose readers. (just look at your stories statistics for that)

Also, but that is a minor thing, keep track of your characters status in the story. As example Twilights injuries, they are kind of serious when they appear, slowing her down and therelike. Then for a few chapters you forgot about them it seems, (Visit at her parents), but remember them a few chapters later again when Twilight complains about them and they hindrance her to fly or move freely.

So overall, keep up your good writing style, but watch more closely for your character's motivation and the goal and focus of your story.