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Note to the author: criticism and feedback are essential tools for writer improvement. My intent in writing this review is to help improve and perfect your writing. Please don’t be discouraged by anything I’ve said here! I truly hope you take this review as it is intended, as hopefully constructive feedback to help you continue on your journey to be the best writer you can be!

Summary

SPOILERS!

Isaiah “Zale” Chase makes a deal with Discord to be teleported to Equestria, on the condition that he give up many of his memories. He can take only his clothing and his iPhone, which develops sentience and strange powers. Once there, he meets the mane six and becomes caught up in the machinations of a villain, who appears to have also come from Earth.

First Impressions

I’m going to go chapter by chapter with my first impressions. These impressions were written as I read each chapter.

Chapter One: I like how this started out. There’s some interesting characterization of the main and side characters. Isaiah has some intriguing plot hooks; I find myself oddly interested in his whole misspelled middle name problem. I hope it comes up later, or even becomes symbolic of some larger issue.

I have some concerns about both the smartphone and the amnesia. Having a smartphone that never dies feels like you’re giving Isaiah way too much power, too early.

The amnesia is problematic for me because it seems to undo all of the characterization in the first chapter. Specifically, if he doesn’t remember these events, why do we need to read them? Amnesia as a plot device is a little cliché, but it allows us to slowly uncover the mystery of the character’s past. In Isaiah’s case, we already get a pretty solid glimpse into his life before he loses his memory. I truly hope that some of the events and issues that were hinted at will play a role in the story to come. Isaiah’s aunt seemed interesting, and I want to learn more about his parents, if only to hate them more for abandoning him. If none of these things are revisited, this entire chapter might be a waste.

All in all, this chapter hints at some really interesting things, while making me very nervous that none of them are going to be revisited throughout the rest of the story.

Chapter Two: This chapter starts right in the thick of the action, with Isaiah being teleported not to somewhere on the ground, but high in the air. The initial meeting and conversation with Rainbow Dash and Starlight works really well; it is nicely paced, and introduces the characters without slowing down the action.

The same can’t be said for the next section of the chapter. Once we hit the slumber party, the pacing of the story slows to a crawl. We meet the rest of the mane six, and each one is paraded before Isaiah for their own chance at an introduction and a couple of predictable lines.

I was possibly most disappointed by the first impressions of Tempest Shadow. She only spoke once or twice, and her behavior was strange and inconsistent with my expectations.

That’s not to say that the author doesn’t have the right to re-envision canon characters; that’s one of the joys of fanfiction to create your own interpretations of someone else’s work. However, there has to be an explanation, or a justifiable reason, and so far I simply haven’t seen a justification for Tempest Shadow behaving more like a Fluttershy than like the complete dominating badflank we all know she is.

One final positive note about this chapter: when I first read the bit about all the ponies singing along to Isaiah’s song, seemingly magically knowing all the words, I was a bit annoyed. When I thought about it more, I realized it makes perfect sense. Of course ponies are able to sing along to a song they’ve never heard before. It happens all the time! It made me laugh.

Chapter Three: Right off the bat we jump into a scene that feels forced. Isaiah wakes up after the sleepover, with Tempest draped on top of him. This feels like an attempt to artificially create romantic tension between Isaiah and Tempest.

From there, the author uses a scene transition mark to loudly announce that the chapter will now be from Tempest’s PoV. This is a huge mistake. It immediately breaks reader immersion. Dear author, please have enough confidence in your own writing abilities, and enough trust in your readers, to let us discover on our own that the point of view has now shifted. The section in question is written in such a way that we can easily understand the shift in perspective without needing the jarring announcement.

Continuing on through the rest of chapter three, I find myself dismayed that there is still no sense of conflict. Chapter one contained hints at some really interesting issues, only to all be erased by the end of that chapter. By the time we’re done with chapter three, there’s still no sense of tension, or of main conflict. Even Isaiah’s discovery of Starlight and Tempest’s checkered pasts is handled with little more than a shrug and a hand wave; what could have been a source of interesting tension is instead simply mentioned briefly then ignored.

Chapter Four: There’s not much to say here. Since the story still lacks significant conflict, my interest is flagging significantly.

"The great and powerful Trixie would like to have a word." I raised an eyebrow. I looked behind her, but no one was standing there.

"Okay, but I've only got a few minutes. Where can I find her?" I asked the unicorn. Her mouth went agape in disbelief and hurt. She stammered a little, looking a little annoyed.

Nice!

Towards the end of the chapter, we get to see a bit of action. However, it feels a bit contrived, disconnected from the overall plot of the story so far. I would love to see a conflict that is somehow tied to our main character, rather than some random unconnected event that he simply happens to observe.

Chapter Five: Finally we get to some sort of main conflict. I find it problematic that nopony seems too concerned about Isaiah’s apparent possession by an outside entity, but the fact that we are finally getting to the point is nice. I was more engaged in this chapter than any chapter since chapter one.

Also, it seems like my concerns about the phone being overpowered were premature. It looks like the author is using the phone appropriately, as an important part of the mystery surrounding Isaiah’s story rather than simply a deus ex machina.

This is clearly the best chapter so far.

The reveal of the villain’s involvement in the plot was necessary, to tie the Ursa’s appearance to the larger conflict, but I would have liked the whole thing to have been handled with a little bit more mystery.

Chapter Six:

"So," Cadence began, not missing a beat. "Have you decided what you want to do in Equestria?"

This probably should have come up in Chapter Two. It’s a potential source of tension, and would have improved the pacing nicely. Either Twilight or Tempest could have brought it up, really.

Reading the rest of this chapter, I can’t help but think many of these events should have taken place earlier. I would much rather have had Tempest introduced as a badflank personal bodyguard than a shy, nearly silent guest at a sleepover.

Chapter Seven: Much like with the phone earlier, I’m quite happy that my concerns about the amnesia were unfounded. It’s clear that Isaiah’s past life is going to play a role in the story going forward. I wish this conflict were introduced or even hinted at much sooner, but at least for now, it’s going to provide a good bit of dramatic tension going forward.

Also, this could be a personal bias showing through, but I’m a sucker for cliffhanger endings.

Chapter Eight: I do my best to respect each author’s personal interpretation of a character, but I’m simply struggling here with how different Tempest is from my expectations. I’d feel better about it if the story gave me a reason, but there seems to be no explanation yet for Tempest’s transformation from a strong, decisive badflank to a shrinking, shy, wimpy pet sitting on Isaiah’s lap.

When Isaiah cries over Celestia’s wounded state, it doesn’t exactly work for me. It doesn’t feel earned; he barely knows Celestia. Now, the author has created the framework to make it work; he’s already established that Isaiah retains his familiarity with these characters, but not his memories. But this doesn’t get mentioned, so the whole scene falls a little flat and feels perhaps artificial.

However, when Tempest comforts Isaiah, it works. Somehow it makes more sense for her to be comforting him, than the other way around. Perhaps this just points to my expectations for the character, but I think it fits nicely.

Once again, the cliffhanger at the end of chapter eight works well. In fact, it works better than the one at the end of seven. I’m excited to learn more about this mysterious caller, and the hints the author has already made make me eagerly anticipate what’s coming next.

Chapter Nine: This chapter starts out in a very interesting place, with some revelations about the iPhone that promptly go… nowhere. Followed by an intensely dramatic reveal from Valkyrie that also goes nowhere. The pacing is once again an issue, though this time instead of going too slowly, things are moving too quickly. We bounce from plot point to plot point, without enough time to fully explore the things that are being revealed.

…it took everything I had from me.. And forced me to do things I'm not so proud of." When she said the last part, she looked away, guilt and regret on her face.

"Oh.. I see." I said walking up and sitting next to her, back against the wall. "Well, I'm still me, right?" I asked.

This could have been one of the most amazing and powerful moments of the story so far, but instead, as a reader, I’m simply left angry that Isaiah failed to follow up on whatever it is Valkyrie is hinting at. I have a sinking suspicion that the author is trying to save the reveal for a later time, and it just makes me upset.

On the other hand, the wallet reveal is handled quite well. It adds detail while expanding the mystery. It’s a good way to reveal information and hints to the reader, while leaving the mystery largely intact.

Towards the middle point of the chapter the author once again brings up Valkyrie’s mysterious kidnapping, and once again every single other character misses a chance to ask more about it.

At the end of chapter nine, we once again find Tempest and Isaiah snuggling together in bed. I’m very concerned that the author is trying to create a romance between the two without really establishing any real chemistry between them. Romance is so much more than spontaneous acts of physical affection and cuddling.

Chapter Ten: So pretty big reveal here. I honestly don’t know how I feel about all this.

On the one hand, the author has successfully imbued the big bad evil guy with a serious sense of menace and mystery. Chrysalis’ fear of him works, and feels genuine.

On the other hand, I feel like the friendship between Chrysalis and Isaiah is a bit undeveloped. I would have liked them to share some more moments together, some more honest conversations. As it is, they’ve had barely any interaction thus far, though much more than some other characters.

Chapter Eleven: This chapter opens with a frustrating lack of urgency. Nopony seems to mind too much that Starlight Glimmer and Luna are still missing. Once again, the pacing of the story has slowed to a crawl.

At the point at which Harmony reveals Twilight is at Donut Joes, you’ve lost me completely as a reader. I was unable to continue after this point. I can’t become emotionally invested in characters that don’t seem to care about the conflict. Personally, if somebody close to me was violently kidnapped, I would not go have a good night’s sleep, wake up, eat pancakes, casually go out to get donuts, and then consider having a meeting to plan what to do next. The pacing hasn’t been slowed to a crawl; it’s completely nonexistent. As a reader, I have no incentive to continue; if the characters don’t care, why should I?

Ratings by Category

Characters: 4/10. Some of the characters are interesting and well developed, but there are serious flaws. Isaiah gets some interesting development in chapter one, but most of that is erased from the story by his amnesia. We see glimpses here and there, but not enough to really flesh him out as a character.

A second issue with Isaiah is his frustrating lack of character flaws. A character has to be flawed to be relatable, and while Isaiah doesn’t come off as perfect, his flaws are undefined.

The other characters are hit and miss. Chrysalis’ limited characterization works well for me, Tempest/Fizzlepop’s does not. The other characters are simply window dressing, there for no real reason. Many of the mane 6 seem to have been reduced to caricatures of themselves, with a regrettable lack of depth.

Setting: 6/10. Isaiah’s home situation at earth is interesting to me, though as mentioned earlier, its impact is dampened by the amnesia. The other settings don’t seem to matter much, but the descriptions aren’t poorly done.

Dialogue: 5/10. The dialogue is not majorly problematic, but neither is it very interesting. Dialogue should be an opportunity to develop relationships and explore character depth, and the author misses several golden opportunities to do that.

Plot Structure: 3/10. This is the major issue of the story. Things that should go quickly (the introduction of the main conflict, the commencement of the investigation into Starlight and Luna’s disappearance) go slowly. Things that should take time to develop (the growing relationship between Isaiah and Chrysalis, the growing ‘relationship’ between Isaiah and Tempest/Fizzlepop) go instantly, or not at all. Fixing pacing issues should be the author’s primary concern going forward. Please see my lengthy feedback below for some ideas on how to resolve this issue.

Grammar: 8/10. While there are a few mistakes, none are significant, and what very few grammar issues there are don’t distract from the plot at all.

Total: 5.2/10

Final Thoughts/Feedback

I wanted to like this one, and I struggled. The pacing is all over the place, several things simply didn’t make sense, and the entire plot has several missed opportunities. The beginning showed such promise; I really wanted to learn more about Isaiah’s home life. I wanted to find out about why his parents abandoned him to his aunt’s place. It seemed like he had an interesting relationship with his aunt as a primary authority figure. All of these things hinted at conflicts and relationships that would affect the story going forward…

Until they suddenly didn’t.

From there, we went into nearly three chapters completely devoid of tension. Characters with no real relevance to the plot were paraded before the main character, almost like an introduction montage. By the time the Ursa Major showed up, I was dying for something to happen.

At this point, I’d like to take a few minutes to talk about conflict and pacing.

Conflict, Tension, Pacing, and Chemistry

First, let’s define some terms. Conflict is something the character is struggling against, opposition of some sort. Tension is the feeling of dissonance that comes between where the character is, and where the character would like to be. Pacing is the rate at which the tension increases, growing through the story as it approaches various peaks and valleys in the action leading to an eventual climax.

Conflict is absolutely essential for reader engagement in a story. Conflict is created by the relationship between a character’s goals, and the goals that oppose those goals. Some form of conflict (or the hint of it, at least) should exist in nearly every scene of a story. It drives the story forward, and forces the characters to adapt and change to evolving circumstances. This could be some form of external conflict (two characters have opposing goals) or internal (one character has two separate goals that oppose each other).

Conflict creates tension when you define the stakes. Stakes are what a character stands to gain or lose by resolving the conflict. Stakes can be tangible (money, property, health, life, the health or life of loved ones, etc.) or intangible (faith, personal improvement, a friendship or romantic relationship). Stakes represents the consequences the character will experience if they win or fail at their goals. Tension is created when the reader knows and understands the stakes, and realizes what might happen if the character fails. When the stakes are strong, the tension is high. When the stakes are weak, there is less tension.

This is not a value judgement! At the beginning of the story, the stakes should be fairly low. As the story increases, as relationships grow between characters, and as conflicts cause characters to change and grow, the stakes should raise. It’s also okay for different characters have different ‘levels’ of stakes in a given scene. Not every character is as invested in a single conflict as the others.

Pacing is created as the tension of the story ebbs and flows, growing in fits and starts towards an inevitable climax. Stakes may rise and fall, but generally they need to be increasing as the characters become more and more invested in the outcome of the climax. Good pacing engages the reader by increasing the tension, with occasional sudden spikes throughout the story. Bad pacing either never has the tension to begin with, loses the tension, or ramps it up too quickly or too abruptly. This causes the reader to think that maybe things are happening too quickly, or too slowly.

Now, to shift gears a little bit to the story in question.

One of the primary issues with the story is pacing. In the first few chapters, there is no conflict. Isaiah has nothing he seems to be struggling against. He appears largely at peace with his appearance in Equestria, and has no disputes or issues with any of the ponies he’s meeting. He’s lost his memories, but he doesn’t seem too upset about the fact, or even too driven to find out why. In a pattern that is repeated a few times throughout the story, characters are simply paraded in front of Isaiah for him to mildly react to.

Compare this, for a moment, to the opening two episodes of MLP:FiM. Twilight Sparkle is also introduced to a parade of characters over the course of several minutes. However, there is a sense of growing conflict. First, Twilight’s premonitions about a coming disaster loom over everything she does. She is tense and nervous, because she knows she should be preparing for whatever is coming. On top of that, there is conflict with the ponies she is meeting. None of them seem to realize she doesn’t want to be there. As the episode continues, ponies ramp up their antics (increasing tension) and Twilight becomes more and more frustrated (also increasing tension). Note that while all this conflict is happening, we’re being introduced to the mane 6 in an almost gentle, slice of life style story.

How would I fix the first few chapters? There’s a few ideas that spring to mind. The first idea is to completely cut the first few chapters. What if Isaiah wakes up in the middle of Ponyville, and is immediately set upon by frightened, panicky ponies who have no idea why he’s there? Then, before he even has a moment to catch his bearings, the Ursa Major attacks. The mane 6, as the primary defenders of Ponyville from absurd threats, join with this strange and frightening newcomer to address the threat. Over the course of the fight, you introduce each of the characters to Isaiah, while the action is happening.

The second idea would keep the first few chapters intact, but add tension and conflict. Isaiah doesn’t know where he is. He doesn’t know where he was, because of amnesia. Shouldn’t that create a great deal of mental anguish? That idea should drive every single interaction he has. He should enter into this sleepover situation with a goal: find out where I am and why I’m here. Every single bit of dialogue, every action, every gesture, should advance this goal.

But not everypony there shares his goals. Rarity clearly has different priorities; she’d like to dress him up in something else. Perhaps Pinkie wants to make sure her sleepover goes well, and Isaiah’s interrupting that. Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle just can’t help herself and keeps trying to sneakily attach scientific testing equipment to Isaiah without him noticing. This approach is certainly more comedic in nature, but it still would work.

But you haven’t said anything about romantic chemistry yet!

Let’s talk about that right now. This one’s really hard to pin down with words. It’s certainly so much more than just physical attraction, though that does play a role in romantic chemistry. I read one blogger describe romantic chemistry as being “…an energetic exchange between people that indicates that romance could exist between them.” (Kristen Kieffer, “How to Craft Romantic Chemistry Between Characters.”)

Conflict, tension, and stakes can all help to create chemistry. Allow me to give you an example. Han Solo and Leia have a physical attraction, right? But maybe it wouldn’t have gone anywhere if the conflict in Empire Strikes Back hadn’t forced them into close proximity. Because they are first forced into each other’s presence in the Hoth base, then later forced into an even more cramped setting on the Falcon, they are able to have tense, emotional conversations that create the brilliant chemistry that we finally see in the end of the film, when Han says, “I know.” The conflict helped to create the chemistry, and the increasing tension solidifies that chemistry, blossoming it into a passionate romance.

How does this relate back to Tempest/Fizzlepop and Isaiah? Well, there is never any ‘energetic exchange’. These two characters barely ever have a conversation together, before the two are engaging in physical interactions (booping, sharing a blanket, petting, etc.) They’ve exchanged barely two or three sentences, and now they’re physically flirting? I’m sorry, but I don’t feel it.

So how would we fix it? Again, I have a few ideas, all of which relate back to my ideas for fixing the pacing to begin with. What if we imagine the first idea I presented above, where Isaiah pops into the middle of Ponyville. The ponies around him immediately react with suspicion and fear. Perhaps Tempest even sees him and confronts him aggressively. Maybe she accuses him of being some sort of evil monster come to destroy Ponyville. Then the Ursa Major shows up, and Isaiah has his badflank hero moment, fighting alongside Tempest to fend off the threat.

Now there is a genuine relationship between the two. Maybe Tempest is still suspicious, but she has a growing respect for him. Maybe that growing respect and admiration is now at conflict with her natural suspicions. Maybe she’s naturally attracted to physical strength, and finds herself drawn to his obvious power. Maybe he feels the same way, and finds himself gravitating towards her. They’re tense, but curious about each other’s stories. So they want to learn more, and understand one another.

Thus, conflict creates chemistry.

Conclusion:

I really hope all of this made sense.

Reading this story, I wanted to enjoy it. I root for the author, and his boldness in tackling a difficult genre. HiE is hard to make work, and I think it takes writing courage to attempt it.

However, the story falls short on several levels. Many promising elements are underexplored or shoved aside, and the pacing suffers throughout. There are some moments of genuine humor and sweetness that work, but the overall plot struggles.

But please note that this is all just one reader’s opinion. If you like isekai, HiE, Slice of Life stories with some genuine sweetness, you might really like this story.

Best Part: The setting and characterizations in the first chapter. The ‘Valkyrie’ reveal. The interesting and unique way the iPhone is used.

Hello, thank you very much for your feedback and advice, it is much appreciated. This is the kind of criticism I was looking for, and you delivered it nicely.

You're right about having the confidence in my writing abilities, and that's something I should develop. The pacing of the story could be better, and I'll double down to revise it. I do like the ideas you presented, and I will consider even revamping the story, with the same general plot and villain.

The romance part was a tricky one for me to narrow down in all honesty, so i appreciate the source and I will look into it. The personality change was something I was going to go over later, but I guess that ties in with my poor pacing, and would feel very displaced regardless of what I did. Even so, I'll work on it. The character flaws were also another thing that would present itself, but in hindsight they should have been presented sooner, rather than later. Poor planning on my part.

Also, even though you didn't mention it, I could have made the description a bit more ominous and mysterious, to go along with the idea of amnesia, and have a sense of character development.

Thank you for the review, and I'll take your advice and apply it to the best of my ability. It'll take a while, but I'll get there. Have a nice day!

7324811
Great (2nd?) review, apple! I appreciate you breaking down the story chapter by chapter and then diving deep into your analysis and criticisms. Try not to get bogged down by whether or not a review ends up being long - I think you'll find that, so long as you were able to explain your point clearly, the number of words becomes a moot point.