Lateral movement: The 1million words review! - My Little Reviews & Feedback

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Firefoxino

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Firefoxino #1 · Aug 19th, 2020 · 5 · ·

TLateral Movement

Having been granted rulership over the city of Vanhoover, and confessed their feelings for each other, Lex Legis and Sonata Dusk have started a new life together. But the challenges of rulership, and a relationship, are more than they bargained for.

Alzrius · 2.3m words · 147 36 · 4.1k views

Lateral Movement currently at the incredible word count of 1,137,496, that’s quite big! Now what is there to say? Quite a lot actually so let’s go with the general introduction and then we can look more in depth to specific points. First of all what is this story about, the MC of this is story is Lex Legis, an inhabitant of the crystal empire that due to the curse of Sombra got thrusted into the future, in said future Lex finds the lack of advancement to magic disappointing so much so that he is convinced to be able to do a better job than the princesses.

Before he could even start though a portal created by the elemental bleed thrust him into Everglow, a pathfinder dimension where he will face dangerous adventures but that’s not the focus, this was all backstory. Coming back from Everglow, Lex and his new girlfriend Sonata Dusk will embark first on a journey and then on an adventure to reach and guide Vannahoover which was heavily hit by the Elemental bleed.

Our story starts with the journey to Vannahoover or at least that’s where they were supposed to go. Sonata bought the wrong tickets and now they are en route to Tall Tale, a little city near Vannahoover.

With this we start the first ARC of the story so let’s go: The first ARC starts with a lot of fighting between the newly encountered couple, all of this caused by several problems to the railroad and then the encounter of a half spider half pony creature that can use fire magic, his race the Aranera are not native of Equestria in fact they come from Everglow!

I won’t spoil anything, so I’ll just put out my opinion of it, first and foremost I must say that up until the big fight I was sincerely confused and a bit thrown off, not knowing what their backstories were like nor who they actually were, the problem arose from a lack of prior knowledge due to missing the previous stories featuring the couple. Now that might steer off readers, but it is worth the wait for explanation? Yes, with a resounding yes I proclaim the wait worth it.

The big fight is also where we see the real Lex, firstly acting like one may consider a racist due to his innate conviction of pony supremacy he absolutely delivers it when his values are shown during the fight, that pony life is absolute and takes priority over anything else. Lex is a very interesting character indeed, more on him later.

The ARC ends up with them finally going to Vannahoover, there we will have the biggest bulk of the story. The city is in a worse state than Lex even thought possible, undead are roaming the city, fish like creatures (Very similar to the Kuo-Toa) are infesting the waters and worst of all there is a supposed God inside the very water.

This ARC will be the one that will create a lot of attrition between the MC and the ponies he is saving, him being too harsh with the punishment will lead them to fear him instead of respecting him. But not all is lost, Sonata still being not the smartest is probably the best person to talk to an audience that because of fear is as dumb as her.

Enemies are abundant in Vannahoover both from inside and outside, but in this grim scenario we do have time for some love and even a reconciliation and reformation of former villains, won’t spoil who it is though hehe.

Let’s talk about the characters, I’ll analyse the main ones avoiding those that will appear too late into the story so to avoid any spoiler.

Lex: Lex is a pragmatic, socially inept scholar. He believes in the theory that ponies are better than anyone else and so it is his duty to guide them to become just that, he believes in his own code and follow it throughout the entire story without deviating from it, he won’t have mercy for non ponies but will never kill a pony, for pony life is immeasurably valuable.
Lex is a character that one has to like from the beginning because aside from discovering that emotions exist and people experience them he doesn’t change much, his mentality remains more or less the same so if you don’t like him from the start you’ll never like him. Lex is a well written character, fleshed out to a T with all of its mentalities made known to the reader. He is stubborn in what he believes is just and unfortunately for most ponies he has a vocabulary that would make some judges pale, he often uses extremely articulate phrases, dictation or words to describe the situation which may even alienate some readers but don’t worry! Ol pal Sonata is there to translate in more human terms.

Sonata: Girlfriend of Lex the two met in Everglow and she followed him everywhere since, Sonata is just like we remember her to be, not the brightest but she sure is charismatic and funny to read, she is literally the rock of Lex, when he is faced with adversities that would make him slip into a dark world she is there to brighten the way. She is not useful in governing or fighting most of the time but she is always there for him.

Kara: Not much is explained into the novel about this god, she appear every so often and gives her own magic to Lex albeit in secret.

The Night Mare: To not be confused with Nightmare Moon, she is the goddess of the night and the paramount of strength, she believes in strength by your own meaning that if you are strong you are fit to rule, those who are strong are right and that’s it. She can be petty and really easy to anger but gives Lex multiple chances to show his gratitude to her and he will then make a pact with her, power in exchange of worship in equestria.

Nosey Newsy: reporter from Cnterlot and one unfortunate enough to face a fate that may be worse than death. She will help Sonata and Lex through the story, she is bright and blunt with anyone only interested in getting the best scoop for her newspaper. She will later on grow up and see that the world is not just some place to get a scoop from.

And these are the three main characters we want to talk about, anything else would have been flagged with spoilers, so what is there to say about them? Lex is a guy that really embodies the “late bloomer” saying, he needs a lot of time and work to become a person that really understands others and he may never reach that at all. But that’s fine, a character with such a flaw makes him that much more real, he loves his ponies he just doesn't know how to show it, but it doesn't matter how frustrated he gets he never gives up.

For the Author now, you did a wonderful job. You managed to create a world that one can really immerse in and one that can tickle the fantasy bone of the reader. The plot is well thought and the plans of Lex are really something that I would expect from someone with his level of intellect. I would have said something about the typos but you already have your own typo searching squad haha. The characters all have their own flaws and strengths but all of them have a reason which is something that other stories lack, you did good and I absolutely await for you to write more.

Scores!

Core Idea: 9/10 The idea is really good, I rarely see D&D or Pathfinder used like this and I truly enjoy the story itself, good work on that.

Grammar: 9/10 While your typos are getting eliminated there are still some that escapes the net. Nothing major I assure you but still there.

Pacing: 9/10 at times it is not what one would like, the chapters for one are short but that’s not the real issue, the biggest issue is at the beginning. Unfortunately the readers that didn’t read other installments won’t know anything about your world thus the thrust into it without too much explanation is a factor that pushes readers away from the story, the beginning is, without knowing anything almost boring. Up until the dragon shows up that is, from there on the story becomes thrilling and enjoyable.

*BONUS*

Characters: 10/10 they feel real, they are what one should strive to have in a story, characters with a heart be that one filled with friendship or hate.

World: 10/10 the world itself is thoroughly built around a recent disaster and many other factors dictate how characters go around dealing with it. The Vannahoover situation was one that I truly didn’t expect but wasn’t bad at all, the contrary.

Final score: 9.4/10 Extremely good job, it is a real good story one that I absolutely recommend continue like this my man, and because I’m such a nice reviewer here, this is for you.

“A wonderful story that will capture your attention, the surprises are everywhere behind all corners keep your eyes open for this art piece of the unexpected.”

You are welcome ;)

Final thoughts: I enjoyed this story greatly, the overall thought I had during it was that I couldn’t stop reading one motive may be your incessant cliffhanger issue. But other than my frustration I truly loved reading through this immense story! So is it worthy of your time? Absolutely and I absolutely recommend everyone to give it a try you won’t be disappointed salutations from me!

Alzrius

Alzrius #2 · Aug 19th, 2020 · · ·

7304983 Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story! I know that reading over one million words can be daunting in the extreme, and as such, I'm more grateful than I can say that you took the time to do so. For you to find Lateral Movement to have been worth investing your time in, and deserving of such a high rating, is immensely satisfying!

While there are all sorts of things I'd like to comment and expand on what you've noted here, I'll try and retain some decorum, limiting myself to just one or two salient points.

Pacing: 9/10 at times it is not what one would like, the chapters for one are short but that’s not the real issue, the biggest issue is at the beginning. Unfortunately the readers that didn’t read other installments won’t know anything about your world thus the thrust into it without too much explanation is a factor that pushes readers away from the story, the beginning is, without knowing anything almost boring. Up until the dragon shows up that is, from there on the story becomes thrilling and enjoyable.

I'm thankful for the high score here, as you correctly note that the beginning of the story is the slowest part. The reason for that is that I was very concerned about presenting a main character who was 1) original, 2) of a rather dour disposition, and 3) powerful. All too often that's a formula for potential readers to say "overpowered red-and-black OC, huh? No thanks." As such, I wanted to showcase who Lex was as a character - highlighting his beliefs, motivations, goals, etc. - before getting into what he could do. The consequence was that the story initially de-emphasizes the action in favor of character drama. In hindsight, I might have leaned on that a little too heavily, or perhaps too long, before getting to the action. Hence another reason why I'm glad you stuck it out through the entire story to date.

“A wonderful story that will capture your attention, the surprises are everywhere behind all corners keep your eyes open for this art piece of the unexpected.”

Squee! Thank you for the pull quote!

If you don't mind, can I put a comma after "everywhere" and a period after "corners"? I wouldn't want to make any changes without your say-so, and that seems to make this flow better.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and review! As the story is still ongoing, I hope you'll continue to enjoy Lateral Movement for a long time to come!